Why does society think we owe our elderly parents?

HOW we care for our elderly parents is a personal decision and we should not hold ourselves to outside standards when we make those choices.

Amen -Trying

Oops I hit a wrong button

I do think society has expectations for familes to help care for their elders but I think it's a complicated subject. Sometimes I think we have a warped view of what care is and people get pressured into thinking they are obligated to do far more than they might choose to do without this outside pressure. Yes there are those who freely and willingly sacrifice above and beyond to provide care but I think there are many who feel pressured into it and that is unhealthy.

I was at a meeting last night and a woman spoke about her years caring for her Mom who had AD. She said her focus on her mother was all consuming and caused her to neglect her own daughter and husband which took a heavy toll on her daughter. She said she now realizes her devotion to her mothers care went far beyond what was needed and she wished she could have seen that at the time. Hearing her story was such a blessing to me. I always admired her and was touched by her honesty. I have been struggling with "doing the right thing" by my parents and looking to others to tell me what that is. Between reading all the stories on this forum and finally hearing this woman speak I think I finally understand that HOW we care for our elderly parents is a personal decision and we should not hold ourselves to outside standards when we make those choices. If I let others judge me then I will feel free to judge others. That's just a vicious cycle that makes everything harder.

I agree with you southerngirl, but as my mom gets older and sicker, I am grieving because she is not the mom she used to be and because she is suffering so. She wants to go and be with the Lord and he is not taking her is what she says. I tell her it's not your time yet he will when it is your time, mom. But this is sososososo hard. I keep thinking about my own kids that I do not want to burden them after going through this with my mom. They say I don't have a choice but I pray I don't get to the point where I am so totally dependent on my kids. I want to be there for them to help them in any way I can as their kids grow up. Growing old is hard I don't care what anyone says.

I have looked after my Mom with absolutely no regrets. I have been looking out for her since my father died when I was four. This might sound stupid but I've often thought that was my purpose here on earth (to look after my mom).

I have six siblings and yet have always been the one. Now my Mom is in a nursing home and although I don't have control over her care anymore I still feel a responsibility to her. Its never even crossed my mind that this is not the way it was supposed to be. Although I sometimes resent my siblings lack of involvement I guess it never crossed their minds that they should help since its been my job for so long.

But I love my Mother dearly and she has never been demanding or selfish which is another reason why I never resent the small sacrifices I have had to make.

Ive been reading and gritting my teeth here so I do have to put forward an argument.
I raised 2 children alone after my husband and I divorced and had to work damned hard just to put food on the table. one went to university so again more costs. I was jsut getting onmy feet and bought my own house when 6 months later I was made redundnant and ended up in a negative equity situation. I worked 3 jobs and saved enough for a deposit and was made redundant again. Finally I got a management position again redundancy and again a loss. I had to move to the capital with all the associated higher costs and struggled to make ends meet. E£ventually I got a really good job and could afford to buy a flat. 3 years later the house market slumped and then my daughter had a nervous breakdown from staying in the same house as my incredibly demanding mother - we didnt know then it was dementia but I suspected as much. Mum had a serious fall, my work wouldn't let me have the time off to care for her. Ended up selling the flat at a serious loss (about $50 000 loss to be exact) to come and care for her. She wouldnt support me in fact charged me what is in your money $350 a month plus food to live there. Our government didnt pay me that much and I stilll needed a car to get Mum around (which again she wouldnt pay for). Eventually having spent my savings I went back to work but couldnt manage 32.5 hours part time work plus a furthe 60 ish hours with her. At 62 I have hardly any pension and am stuck in the rut BUT would I do it again? Yep she is my Mum at the end of the day . If I put her into a care facility they will sell the house from under me so I do understand how you could feel angry. I don't feel angry - mad as a March hare maybe but not angry - it serves no purpose and just increases your stress levels. I suppose I need to look for a rich husband .pppffff not a chance I would rather be allowed to die when I choose - not being given that right...now that makes me angry

I have taken care of both of my parents for over 5 years. It is exhausting and
I am at the point of a complete breakdown. I have been at every emergency room and hospital in the city. My mom is now in hospice - and I am glad that I have some help in dealing with her health issues - but I am the one responsible for all of the decisions. My father is 91 - completely deaf and a completely self- centered. After I sat with with my mom for hours after her latest stroke last night, he wanted to make sure that I had his tax information together and to make sure I would get his ice cream and a then a long list of things he needed. I think that I would feel better about giving up close to 6 years of my life - if I felt it was appreciated. It is usually a long list of things that I have not done. There is something wrong with 60 and 70 year old people taking care of 80 and 90 year old people. It is no wonder a third of the caregivers die before the people they are taking care of. Their parents just wear them out and it is the only way to get a break. I don't feel guilty - I've done all I can possibly do and then some.
When I opted to move them here and into my home it wasn't because I owed them. I loved my mom and was worried about her. I felt it was the right thing to do. I just didn't realize what I was getting into. Now, I know. Unfortunately it is 6 years too late to make a plan that would have helped my parents and left me with some semblance of a life.

What ever happened to save for a rainy day that our parents who were raised during the Great Depression kept trying to instill in us?. Believe me, I listened and so did my sig other. We are ready for old age.

I had a co-worker who was in her mid-70's that I use to pick up and drive her to work. She had wished she could go back in time and saved money instead of spending like there was no tomorrow. She was terrified that she would lose her job and not be able to afford secondary health insurance.

Now a days I read how the younger generation isn't saving money, they are so busy buying stuff, which is good for the economy but what is going to happen to them once they become elderly?

Nobody says you have to look after your parent especially at the cost of your own welfare. I worked until I was 73 to be able to provide well for myself in old age. I do what I can for my mother, largely at arm's length as she is mentally ill. She is well cared for in an ALF. No way could or would I do hands on caregiving at any point.

sanity - could you look for a part time job to bring in some income for yourself and get you out of the house or can your mum not be left alone?

It's a very hard thing to be angry also. It makes one feel like a bad person. But when a person spends 18-25 years or so raising children, thinking ah yes, now I get to have a little my time, then 5-10 years later, t find themselves taking care of folks. & that scary statistic that a third of us will die before they do. Any way. It's a very good thing to be able to put stuff down here with less guilt feelings anyway.

All ancient religious texts tell us to honor the elderly. Of course when they were written, being old was a rare treasure. Social Security was invented to take the financial burden off of children so they could keep grandma without starving their children during the Great Depression.
Nowhere have I seen it written that you must work yourself to death taking care of them, yet 30% of caregivers do. Society does not expect you to kill yourself for ANY reason. Don't confuse "society" with what you see on TV. They are not the same thing.

I am so angry about having to care for my mother.. I know she worked hard as a single mom.. but she had a decent job and home of her own..her funds have
run out..
I went thru a divorce never saw a dime of child support, then lost my full time job, used up my 401k thought 2 years ago after filing bankruptcy Id be able to start a new life...HA!!!!!!!!!!!
. Now I have no income ( I know I should be thankful that I have a roof over my head even if its all in need of serious fixing. ( its moms house) but im resentful.. I have no income.. a kid in college. I will have no SS when I get old.. I have sworn I will never put my daughter in the situation !!!!
by the time mom passes.. I wont be able to keep the house. or get an apartment. ( no $$$ no credit no job ) lack of work skills now and Im going to be 53 in week,, Whats to be come of me????????
I yell at mother that im just fading away,, I have no life of my own and im scared as h*ll......

It's interesting that some people think I'm crazy for taking care of mom. One person said 'well, eventually you will have to put her in a home'. Maybe, but I am not sure that she would get better care. She is pretty easy. We talk about that when she thinks it's terrible that someone has to take care of her. I am NOT a saint. If she was mean & ornery & demanding she would be in a NH but we get along fine & she spent many years caring for other people. I guess I can do it for her. The way I look at it is this. God has given me many many great things in my life & He hasn't given me a lot of bad things. If this is the payment for the life I've been blessed with, well, I got a deal.

JudeAH53, you're not alone w/your philosophy. I don't have children, and wouldn't want to rely on them anyway. I hope that whatever financial resources I have left when I get to be too old/infirm to care for myself can be put to good use for others, helping people thrive -- NOT propping me up when it's obvious to everyone that I've "stayed long enough at the party," if you know what I'm saying. I try to have a very healthy attitude about life, death, the meaning of it all -- this isn't me being morbid.

Ooooh Whitney I wouldnt go that far at all. The will of the the individual is just what it says on the tin - it is their will not necessarily based upon the service given by the children. I wouldnt want my son to visit or support me nor my daughter for that matter. I would prefer, if it was ever made legal, to determine that now is my time to go so please let me go. I dont want to be reliant on others but sadly live in a society where this is not possible ....perhaps I should have been an ancient eskimo. As I have posted before a parent "signs up" to care - offspring don't get given the choice if there is going to be an expectation that they will care. Right now I resent not having the right to determine what will happen to me. before anyone says it I am not depressed at all it's just my philosophy on my life, and always has been xxx

I think if adult children live in the area of their elderly folks and do not visit, offer to at least do something every once in a while, etc., the adult children should do the honorable thing and ask the parents to be taken out of the will. Some adult children have strong feelings about NOT helping out, yet these same adult children paradoxically have strong feelings about getting their share of the inheritance.

I agree with the original poster that our society does feel it's the duty of grown children to take of their elderly parents. The first thing you hear if an elderly person is left alone or is not being cared for properly is: "Bu where are her children?" And I think there are lots of reasons for that, from simple to very complicated.

The most basic reason is that, after a point, the children are generally the only ones left for the parent to rely on. The spouse is deceased or too impaired to provide care, friends have died or are also elderly, kids are younger and generally healthier, and it's possible to make a case that they are obligated because in most cases they received some care and support from their parents in the past. So basically somebody has to take care of the elderly, and most of the time there are no decent candidates except their kids.

Now some of the more complicated reasons. Society doesn't want to bear the expense of taking care of the elderly, so "family care" is touted as the ideal because it's seen as free. The actual costs are being borne silently by individuals who are giving up their plans, goals, income, leisure, health and sanity to do the caregiving that saves the larger society from having to think about it (or pay for it or provide for it). The lack of resources other than the family pretty much forces adult children to shoulder the burden whether they want to or not.

Then there's the perspective of the elders themselves. Why do they believe their children are obligated to take care of them? I think it's because they won't accept that they either need to be responsible and provide for their own old age or they need to accept the consequences of failing to do so. My mother wants and wanted to have it both ways: retire early on a meager income, spend every cent that came through her hands from her parents' inheritance and my father's life insurance, but still live on her own in a nice house in the suburbs, with cleaning and maintenance and transportation provided by...well, it has to be her kids since she can't afford to pay anyone.

I personally don't agree that grown children are obligated to rescue their parents from their own failure to take responsibility for themselves, but the system is set up in such a way that it's almost impossible to avoid it (and yes, most people will denounce you if you walk away no matter how justified you are).

I don't see it as an honor nor a debt to be paid to care for my Mom. It's just something that has to be done, and to be done the best I can. I often wish Mom and Dad had discussed with my brother and I how they wanted to be cared for in their old age. Did they want to go into a caregiving facility or did they expect my brother or me to take care of them when they could no longer care for themselves?
I think this is a discussion we should all have with our kids. I know I absolutely DO NOT want my son or his family taking me into their home when I can no longer live on my own. I want to be put in an appropriate care facility and if I'm on any meds I want them stopped. I have an obligation to let my family know what I want done. To me this is as important as filling out that advanced directive!
As far as what society thinks I don't really care. But, I would suggest they not judge too harshly until they've walked a mile in a caregivers shoes.

I think it's very simple. Our parents raised us, fed and clothed us but we did not ruin their lives. (At least in most cases). I think we have an essential obligation to see that are elders are cared for either by us or paid caregivers/facilities. We cannot become consumed with sorrow and guilt as elders age and become mean,selfish and difficult. This is what happens, get over it and deal with it. While cruising around this site I'm always amazed at the abuse people suffered at the hands of their parents as children, and the guilt they feel as caregivers when their parents are still horrible.

Ooooh so many conflicting views here. I certainly don't deem it an honour to look after my Mum - sorry people but I don't. I am adopted yet she never showed me, or anyone else for that matter, love the way my Dad could show love. She was always critical and he was always supportive and that was unconditional on his part - my mother was a different kettle of fish entirely. They both may have wanted to adopt me but only he loved me as was proved time and time again. She had a child of her own who died and I think she never grieved for him and blamed me for living. However when it came to needs or decision making in later life it was me she turned to. I would never ever turn my back on her however vile she is or has been....I do recognize it is NOW only the illness of Alzheimers, Vascular dementia AND Lewy body dementia that exaggerate her previous behavior beyond all recognition but an honour to do it? Nope not in a million - not for me. I promised my Dad, when he was on his death bed, that I wouldn't put her in a care home and that's a promise TO HIM that I will keep. However had it been the other way round Mum wouldn't have asked and I wouldn't have needed to promise because caring for him WAS an honour and something I was more than happy to do, so much so that I was the only one with him when he gave his last breath god bless him.

I don't think it's about honour or duty it's about how you feel inside about the person you care for, how you were treated by them and a myriad of other things we don't even understand or perhaps recognize. I think that your feelings do change somewhat as the your parent's illnesses deteriorate into something you could never have envisaged when you first agreed to care. For me I don't see her so much as my mother anymore more an elderly person whose needs I meet...sad I know but that is me being honest. If that's bad then I am bad, if it's normal then hell yes I am normal for once!

This is such a personal decision. When my mom came to live with us a little over a year ago, she was in fairly good shape. I thought having the family around to chat with and spend time with would be good for her. And to some degree it has. However, in the last few months her physical and mental state has deteriorated dramatically. We're in the process of either hiring a home companion (first resort) or placing my mom in a NH (last resort). She cannot be left home alone while we work (and we have to work) and needs to take her meds and have a TENS unit applied throughout the day. Unfortunately on top of dementia, she has nerve pain from compression fractures, and the pain is becoming almost too difficult to manage here at home anymore. Holy cow - I never knew any one with this condition, and it's a truly miserable condition to have. She wants to stay in bed most of the time, which is understandable but isn't good for her. Plus she balks at eating and drinking, even foods that used to be her favorites; the stress in the situation is becoming a real factor in her care.

So even if you begin to care for your parent with the best of intentions, remember that life causes the best of plans to be re-assessed and adjusted. Just be sure to take care of yourself in the process!

Yep - I ain't saying BULL any more except that I need the time off. You try to be open and honest and you get kicked in the gut. I can't afford to lose my job because of obvious reasons plus I pay for me and my husband's health insurance with it. People who don't caregive AND who work have no clue. Hang in there!!

DEH~I am concerned too about when I come back. My leave starts monday for 4 weeks, I can't afford to be off more than that. Bosses really can use their power for good or bad and I don't know why they would want to go out of their way to make things difficult for an employee but they can. This is why I chose to use the FMLA instead of going out on disability with pay. FMLA protects my job and my former manager has been transferred to another store. Bosses and managers need to be fair and my former manager even told me that the situation with my mom was not interferring with work but yet she couldn't understand why I worked instead of being a 24/7 caregiver. The least you say to your co-workers and boss about your mother, the better. It really is none of their business and if they ask, just say the issue has been resolved.

Sharynmarie -

I made the mistake of telling her the dr. said my mom can't live alone anymore, (we as a family covered mom 24/7 while we waited to get a diagnosis from a neurologist),after I told my manager this, she started scheduling me to work 5 days a week, calling me in on my days off and it was suspicious to me that she started doing that to my schedule as prior to that conversation, I never was called to come in on my days off.

WOW - this happened to me too! I wasn't even told we had 12 weeks for FMLA and not just 4 weeks. My boss said he didn't know. Bull!! Then when I realized what was actually covered by my colleagues - it wasn't crap! Then I get the talk I have to be really focused on my job and not screw up now that I've been out a few weeks - are you kidding me? I'm tired, over stressed and none of these co-workers are caregivers, nor would they be. Amazing. I just pray daily that god doesn't give me more than I can handle. Mother is back in hospital and more testing etc...I just wish we could turn back time sometimes. I pray for all caregivers to have strength and call out to angels if you need them. I have to when I wake up crying in a panic. Hope folks have a good day.

DEH369~I had the opposite experience with my former dept. manager, she kept telling me family comes first, which it does! But for me, I can't help my family without an income. I made the mistake of telling her the dr. said my mom can't live alone anymore, (we as a family covered mom 24/7 while we waited to get a diagnosis from a neurologist),after I told my manager this, she started scheduling me to work 5 days a week, calling me in on my days off and it was suspicious to me that she started doing that to my schedule as prior to that conversation, I never was called to come in on my days off. I really think she took personal issue with me based on what she would do which is wrong for a manager to do. I commend you for being able to take care of your mother 24/7, I however cannot. Mom is now in assisted living and participates in memory care daily. I am still very responsible towards her care, I visit 2-3 times a week 3 or more hours at a time, we have lunch together, I make sure she gets a shower and washes her hair 2 x a week, mom has her dog living with her so we walk the dog, I do her laundry, take her to all her dr. appts., take the dog to the vet, take the dog in for grooming (a poodle),plus I am going thru mom's house sorting her belongings, getting things ready for an estate sale and we will be selling her house. I was abused by both my parents, dad an alcoholic...mom has a personality disorder that Alzheimer's made worse for a while but now mom is easier to handle as she has progressed. Guess what...if I could reverse time, I would rather have my mom being the abusive nasty person she was a year ago even though it meant I limited my time with her, than the person she is today. I will always be involved in my mom's care...not because I owe her, because I choice to follow what I believe is right for me and my life. I only wish I had more hours and energy to give my loving supportive husband more time. Without my husband's support, I don't know what I would do. I am sorry your mother is in the cardiac unit and I hope it is not too serious...hugs and prayers to you!!

I'm sorry DEH369 for you feeling so bad. My Mom is currently not hospitalized, but when she goes to the hospital it is very stressful indeed for so many reasons. I enjoy that this is the place to vent and keep doing that and I'm sure you will find people that will have their warranted opinions as well, but all in all, we are basically in the same boat trying to help parents and sometimes it does feel like we are walking backwards. Keep the faith and good things shall come to you.

It would have been wonderful to have a sweet mom like you have. Unfortunately I, and many others on here, did not.

And P.S. - to that sentence - you don't know my family dynamics as you put it - that wasn't always the case. It's taken years to get over some of her abuse but I've forgiven her and I don't mind the care giving. She always had a good heart - she wasn't always mentally stable until she got on meds.

The post I posted was ENDEMIC TO MY SITUATION AT MY JOB. I thought this was a forum for us to vent, to find respite NOT retaliation. Some of you posting to my post, try to understand this isn't about YOU it's about being able to vent. I don't appreciate your preaching to me either. So please, don't assume what I have to say has anything to do with anyone here on this forum I don't know any of you or your situations which is why my post was JUST for me to get stuff of my back. And for the person above, I actually DO know their family dynamics - they don't give a damn so again, don't judge me - when you do that you are only judging yourself. Now, I need to get back to the hospital room in cardiac care unit where we just admitted my mother yesterday.

DEH369, I haven't seen one post on here that criticizes you for taking care of your mother with love. Maybe you have us on AC mixed up with the people you work with. If you are entitled to take leave, take it and quit worrying about your coworkers. If they are harassing you, talk to your manager or someone who can help. You have enough stress, why add this to it.
I have never seen it written that just because someone doesn't live in the same state as their parents, they automatically don't care about them. So if they live in the same town, the love meter registers ultimate caring and love? Sounds like YOU are judging, something you say you do not want done to you. You don't know their family dynamics any more than they know yours.
The last two sentences in your post were very unkind and judgmental. You either didn't read every post on this thread or you chose to ignore the fact there are others who were not as fortunate as you are to have a loving mother. It would have been wonderful to have a sweet mom like you have. Unfortunately I, and many others on here, did not.

DEH369, I am glad you have the relationship with your parent to be able to care for them with love. But please realize all families are not the same. Those of us who have come from dysfuctional families have a very different situation. And to accuse us of being selfish is just more insult to the injury. Try to be a little compassionate please.

Besides as I said before, my mother WANTS to go to a nursing home. Yes, I know that sounds crazy and she is not doing this out of love and concern for her children. She thinks we want her money and this is her way of saying to us, "F You". Neither my brother nor I have ever asked for and taken one red cent from this woman. We cost her nothing except food and shelter, and I mean nothing. She has no friends, treated my father terribly and triangulates her children. So please don't preach to me or those who have a different opinion.