Parent changes their mind for admission to AL after signing paperwork: How do I talk them in to going?

The other answer about asking him to “try it” for a month is the process I plan to follow. Alzheimer’s patients often have no concept of time. For example, my mother has been living with me for seven months. She believes she has been here a few days. When I move her into memory care, I will tell her it’s rehab as this is something she is open to. Rehab will last the rest of her life and I will visit. When she asks when she is going home, I will tell her “in about two weeks” which I believe she will be satisfied with.

I’m not sure what you could do about it if your father refuses to enter the facility. Maybe others will have an answer for you.

I would try not to think about it too much and stress yourself out. Do you have reasons to believe that he won’t follow through with going to the facility?

Wishing you peace as you continue on with your caregiving journey.

IF he is demonstrably unsafe in his current living situation/has been professionally determined to have dementia/has had accidents or falls in his current setting/has granted you his POA- OR any combination of these factors, let the staff at his new residence know that he may be a reluctant placement, take him to his new residence, tell him you want him to come and see the place (or have something to eat, or whatever), let the staff know that you’re coming, give him a compassionate very brief hug, say “I’ll be back soon” and WALK AWAY.

Don’t turn back, LEAVE.

Will it be the hardest thing you ever done? YES.

I can’t even stand thinking about the “first times” I had to do the “drop and run”s, but the outcomes, after sufficient adjustment time, sometimes months, have always been for the best FOR MY LOs.

I’ve done it more than once. I’ll be thinking of you. Hope all goes well..

Inform the facility that dad's having second thoughts and ask them if you can bring him for additional visits. Plan to get there when something good is going on, like a birthday party or social hour or exercise he might like or a regular meal in the dining room with nice table mates who can encourage him.

He may or may not remember it afterward, but it might get him off the loop of thinking he's going to be a caged animal. Which is hardly the case. He needs to be there. The options are all worse.

My friend did this:
When moving take the person that is moving on a long day trip thus making them tired --- meanwhile hire people to duplicate the persons house at the facility to look as close as possible to their original home. Placing pictures, tv, sofa, bed, chair in order. When arriving act like nothing is different and calling it home. "ah what a day nice to be home"
This is how my friend did it and worked great.

If you are his DPoA and he has a medical diagnosis of dementia/ALZ then your authority is active and don't have to pursue guardianship.

If no one is his PoA then yes, he can check himself out. If this happens, the do not go get him or help him. I strongly recommend he have a DPoA in place asap if there is not one now. An elder law attorney can assess whether he has "capacity" (and even mild cognitive/memory impairment doesn't mean incapacity).

If no one is his PoA and he refuses to legally assign one, and refuses to move to AL, then you will have to keep calling APS oon him as a vulnerable adult. Eventually -- when things get "bad enough" -- the county can acquire guardianship and will manage all his affairs and place him in a facility whether he wants to go or not. You can pursue guardianship but please know it can be very costly... numbers I have seen from other posters are in the $10K range. Does he have the funds to pay for AL or MC? Several thousands of dollars every month.Medicaid only pays for LTC in most states and he has to qualify both medically (per doctor's assessment) and financially (with a 5 yr lookback in most states).

Would he be open to having a companion aid to come daily? It will cost less initially but "someone" has to manage it. He may refuse this as well but if you find the right person he may warm up to the arrangement.

If you do go the guardianship route, it still won't be "easy" to get him to go if he's resistant. Once there, if he attempts to leave the facility he will be considered a wandering risk and will be moved to MC where it is secured.

With dementia you won't be able to use reason or logic with him. He is losing his ability to have empathy for others (so he won't care about the stress he is causing you). Cost of care may be the determining factor in your decision. Please do not consider paying for his care -- at the prices, it is unsustainable and robs you of your own future care, putting a burden on your own family/children.

AL will not be a good fit for someone with Alzheimer's. He'll have few friends there because others don't want to interact with folks who have memory issues. Eventually he'll have to move.

Why are you not doing memory care instead?

Some people have had to resort to trickery to get a loved one in a facility - arranging with staff ahead of time to leave them there after going for a complimentary meal, or for a short respite stay, or just for a tour. You may not have to resort to such drastic measures if you leave him an out; tell him that he can return to his apartment if he doesn't like it after a one month trial (fingers crossed).

It sounds like you may be jumping the gun. If dad has dementia he will likely need memory care. Or does this place also have memory care? Have they met dad? Has he been interviewed and assessed? Will they keep dad when dad runs out of money and place him on Medicaid? Has dad seen the place? You probably know that dad most likely will not remember seeing it, signing papers or anything else in six months, I am sure.

A person with Alzheimer's is not a person you 'talk them into going.'
They will not agree to go 99.99% of the time.

* You create a room that is similar to his room now, familiar items (bed, furniture, photos).
* You check with MD about medication to ease the transition.
* You and others visit (although some facilities will suggest / encourage family stay away so loved one has time to adjust w/o interference (?) from family. Talk to the facility and see what they say.
* Depending on if this might help, you say "We'll give it a try for xxx (a week... a month... a few days and see how it goes).
- Say they have xxx which he likes (cheese cake or poker...) may not help, but worth a try.
* Do you not argue; this will keep him emotionally and psychologically elevated / triggered. Agree / reflect back his words "I know you feel xxx and that you do not want to go. I understand."
* You expect it will be a rough transition. You are dealing with a chang(ed)(ing) brain (chemistry), confusion, fears, sadness, loss of familiar surroundings, including family.
It won't be easy for him. Nor for you / the family.

* Keep in touch daily with the staff social worker or case manager. Befriend them. They are your new 'best friends,' - your life line to your dad.

* Bring him food(s) he likes.
* Expect him to be MAD at YOU . He had to get these feelings out and you/family is the focus of these changes. It is understandable he will take it out on you.

* Try not to take his words too personally although, of course, you will. He is your dad. It hurts to see him needing to move and get this care... in the process DO take care of yourself. Get enough sleep, exercise, eat healthy as possible ... do something you enjoy - a walk in the park or to the museum. Get yourself mental and psychological breaks. This is stressful for you / the family, as well as him. It appears from my experience, with time, a person does get used to their new 'home' - it is difficult with Alzheimer's although perhaps he will forget his old home 'due' to Alzheimer's (I don't know - forgetting can be a blessing in these situations).

Gena / Touch Matters