I'm an only child. Mom 8 years into Dementia, Dad retired (both 84). They moved in with me and my husband of only 2 years back in May. Primary goal was to help take care of Mom. Dad is mentally stable in general, but is extremely moody and sensitive. Upon moving in, we agreed to 2 financial conditions (I continue to work full time from home); they paid off credit cards and are funding the building of a large garage/barn for the extra needed storage (he has multiple vehicles). The building process of the garage has been delayed and Dad complains at almost every turn about the timing, the elevation, the site condition, the nearby flowerbeds that that he weeded that got ploughed over, etc. Today I told him he needs to quit fretting about these various issues until the project is all done. Now he's mad, says he's not going to say anything else about it because he's always criticized. This is one of several times this situation has occurred in the short time they've lived here. He's been on depression meds for 20+ years and is often mean/rude towards my mother. I need advice on how to handle/manage this. If I had the funds I'd tell him to take his garage $ and shove it, I'll finish it myself. Love him dearly, but he's causing me significant stress right now.
Why? So you can help provide care for Mom (with dementia).
Dad will need help with that, absolutely. What his plan there? You work during the day.. will he hire caregivers when his supervision/assistance is no longer enough? Is it expected you will work during the day & be 'on call' for Mom when home? Including evening & overnight?
While Dad goes off to spend time in his giant shed. Hmm
I kind of smell a whiff of *daughter will do everything for us* here..
I forsee a giant sized sit down family chat.
Having an honest discussion about the future. (Actually MANY).
What are your Dad's expectations? VS Yours & your husband's future plans?
I'm not sure you are all on the same page, maybe not even in the same book.. you have a 'Dutiful Daughter Guidebook' but Dad may have a very old fashioned manual 'Men - Retirement: Sheds. The Rest is Woman's Work'.
(MECCA is the Motoring Enthusiasts Club of Central Australia. DH is the web master, and regularly screens out ads for travel and candles from companies who assume a different Mecca. That’s not relevant, but I do understand the pressure on you.)
However as MECCA members age it is very very obvious that owning multiple vehicles at age 84 is not all that bright. Eventually you can no longer drive – one member is miserable about have to ask for lifts. Just looking at them and polishing the fender loses it’s charm. Building yet another bigger shed is just plain stupid. There is already too much money tied up uselessly.
Instead of going along with the difficulties of shed building ON YOUR LAND, talk to your husband about putting your foot (feet?) down. ‘No, it’s too difficult. You can’t drive those multiple vehicles (certainly not more than one at a time) now, let alone in a couple of years’ time. We don’t want to give up the land, or cope with the problems it is bringing both you and us. It isn’t going to be built. You need to start thinking about how to sell the cars instead’.
I realise that you have a bigger problem, but my own DH is in the process of planning and building another shed, also on a difficult slope and needing a connection to the current smaller shed, so your situation touched a nerve with me. Yours, Margaret
Forget about the garage barn thing, let them use their money to go into AL,
This will not work, do your own thing. Your marriage will suffer as will your health, not my rules, just how it works.
If dad is "extremely moody and sensitive," he isn't mentally stable. That always gets worse. You're not going to change him. This is the way he is. When you explain your frustration to him, he doesn't understand. His behavior is similar to how dementia presents in some people.
So you've got two people living with you and your husband, and you deserve to have this time with your husband to yourself. Those early marriage years will never happen again, and you're sacrificing them for your parents. How does your husband feel about this? Do you even know?
Mom is into dementia eight years, and she won't get better either. Ever seen anyone with advanced dementia? Ever cared for one? Do you know what is likely to happen physically? Loss of ability to take care of themselves, like bathing, toileting, walking, talking? Are you prepared to give up your work, postpone having a family, start taking them both to endless doctor and hospital visits? The next few years if you keep them at your house will morph into a version of hell that you didn't know existed.
Cut your losses now, and make sure they get to a continuing care home with a memory care unit. Soon. You'll have no life if you don't.
I have no advice to offer except that you probably should have read these forums before moving them into the house. You may have tried other alternatives.
Your dad is also stressed.
If he is on traditional Medicare and has a good supplement, he can see a talk therapist for little if any additional cost out of pocket. Other insurance may cover as well. I just know about this one.
So, while the barn is being built he can go vent with the therapist every week, even twice a week. He can do this to help you. It is very hard on ANYONE to do construction. Books have been written, movies made, etc etc. one feels so out of control and at great expense.
It will help.
Also his meds might need tweaking but this is a situational issue that will resolve in time. The therapy will just help him manage his feelings a bit better. He might go for the issue of the construction but find it is helpful to discuss his issues of moving, of losing his Dw to dementia, to not having his own home any more, to feeling he has to run everything by you, you get the idea.
if he won’t go. You go. One of you needs some relief.