Follow
Share

I am 29F, and my partner 29M has some health issues. Nothing that stops him from working yet, but multiple recurrent issues that disturb normal living and day-to-day work. He is absolutely lovely and I love him so much and want to marry him. I think we may end up getting married within the next 1-2 years, but he does not like to talk about it. He says he wants to figure out his career first (I am also finding a job at the moment as I am just finishing Masters in a few months). And I know he is serious about me and cares for me.

Also, he has old parents who have quite a few health problems like diabetes etc. He is an only child so he feels it is his responsibility to take care of them, which I admire. In Indian families, we tend to have a joint family system, so this is nothing new to me. He is also the sole breadwinner in the family so the family is financially dependent on him and he has clearly said that they will stay with him after he gets married. Again, I completely understand that and respect that he wants to take care of his parents. However, given his own health issues, their health issues, limited family savings and their complete dependence on him, I get scared sometimes.
I do want to marry him, but sometimes I am afraid that life becomes will become hard both financially and emotionally because of all the caregiving I may be expected to do after marriage. Though he has never said that taking financial care of his parents would be my responsibility. But I guess it would become so after marriage because he has also mentioned that after marriage, finances of a couple should be joined. Also, I have my parents to take care of. Though my parents have always been adamant that I live my life and they can take care of themselves, I feel they say it only because in Indian families, parents dont expect their daughter to help them. But I can possibly not do that, and we are all sisters, no brother, so who takes care of my family emotionally (financially my parents dont have a problem).
AITA for thinking like this?

This will be blunt, but why’d you even bother with getting a masters if your life’s ambition is to caregive everyone around you but you? You won’t have your own money even if you work a few years because surprise, he wants it to go to your perfectly bossy and entitled mother in law. God help you when you have kids and have to allocate resources to them plus the in laws plus your parents?
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to PeggySue2020
Report

Hi lola - OMG, there are so many "red flags" in your boyfriend's situation. I really hope that you can step back and process it all. You should write the list of Cons down because it's a lot to take in ~
- He currently has health issues...he has clearly said that his parents will stay with him after he gets married...he hasn't discussed if it's acceptable for you - it seems like you're being more subservient to him and just accept things as he wishes rather than having your own voice. It's a big expectation for parents to be living in the same house. Plus, your boyfriend would be financially also taking care of his parents - AND, he's decided for you that finances of a couple should be joined - so in essence, your income worked will be used for your in-laws.

Wow, this is all a formula not to be happy - at least for me it would be. I felt suffocated just reading about this situation that you might have. I get the sense that your boyfriend calls the shots and your opinion doesn't count for much. Ugh.

Well, since your boyfriend doesn't want to even discuss marriage right now, would you consider using this an opportunity to step back and be open to dating other people? You don't have a commitment with him at this time, so it may be a chance for you to make sure you're doing the right thing in this situation - and give others a chance. I think that's what I would do.

Wishing you all the very best for clarity and peace ~
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Hopeforhelp22
Report

Idk what to tell you but what you have told us is a LOT and you are right to question what your role will be in all of it.

Also, just my opinion, but your BF doesn’t want to get married. You might consider starting to emotionally detach now and find a future where you can excel and soar instead of getting dragged down and suffocate.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Southernwaver
Report

If you live in the US, be aware that your future children may not share your enthusiasm for sticking to your Indian culture. With you possibly caregiving your husband and his parents, the kids may come to resent you and the culture. That’s just one problem. There are so many more that others have addressed.

I hope you make the best decision for you. Keep in mind that there are plenty of guys both within and out of your culture who would love and cherish you and aren’t sick with sick parents.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Fawnby
Report

I have heard that daughters are not expected to care for parents, but DILs are. You are young and should not tie yourself down with caring for anyone but maybe a child. Boyfriend already having health problems at 29 is something to consider. No problem in maybe caring for him someday but then throw in in-laws and maybe children? I get overwhelmed just thinking about it.

I think you are smart to look ahead. I found it scary to love someone so much that did not love me in the same way. Think, do you really want to spend the early years of your marriage caring for two old people and you will do the caring. What you need to be doing in that first yearvof marriage is getting to know each other better. Sharing intimacy in your own home with no one around.

Put marriage in the back of your head and look at the whole picture. Just because we love someone, does not mean we can spend the rest of our lives with them.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

This is not the AITA Reddit sub, first off. Secondly. Your bf does not like to talk about getting married, is sickly, has old and sickly parents he expects to live with and take care of, and on and on. On what planet does all of this sound like a good idea?

If you are going to stay within the Indian cultural expectations of you, at least find a healthy man with a great job who can properly support you and that you won't wind up taking care of ALSO. Someone who wants to get married and wants to talk about it and plan a future with you. Someone who makes enough money that he's not relying on YOU to support HIS parents.

That's my suggestion. You are NTA for looking out for yourself in this situation. If it feels wrong, back AWAY.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report

Is your boyfriend actively DOING anything about his health to try to improve it? Obviously, some conditions can’t really be fixed (you can’t, like, grow a new leg or something 😉), but many CAN. Or is he content to passively drift toward a sickly future like that of his parents?
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to SnoopyLove
Report

You have known him a long time. You clearly are a thinking person, and have thought about all of this. You know all that there is to know. For myself, I only worry about people who may not know "what they are getting into". You clearly do know ALL of it both in terms of your partner's own health and about his determination to be in care of his parents.

Along with being INFORMED and articulate, you are not any longer young. You have lived a while, spent time with partner and family, and know the drill, as well as the likelihood of progression of things.

I am a great believer in grownups who are FULLY informed making their own decisions with full recognition and full acceptance of responsibility for choices made.

More simply said? This is up to you.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report
ElizabethAR37 Aug 20, 2024
I agree but there's a lot to consider here--some of which are "known unknowns". But there are also a lot of "unknown unknowns". They are what can sometimes trip people up even if they think they've thought a potential situation through. I think that I would proceed--but with caution. The OP needs to ask herself if she is truly O.K. with becoming a "career caregiver", even in India, because that will probably happen.
(2)
Report
Here in the US, your possible future situation sounds like quite a nightmare, but I understand that in the Indian culture what you've described is quite "normal," or at least in India it is.
So my question would be are you living in India or elsewhere? If elsewhere, I would think long and hard before taking on this huge responsibility, as it sounds to me more of a life of hell then of love, joy and freedom.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to funkygrandma59
Report
lola221 Aug 18, 2024
Yes, we are planning to live in India in the long term. Also added an edit above.
(1)
Report
What other life experience do you have, besides study and this particular relationship? It sounds as though you don’t have much room in your life for almost anything else. Both the study and the relationship issues are really complex, enough for anyone to think about.

Why did you do a Masters degree? Where did you expect it to take you? (Surely not into aged care) Why not make some use of it?

Your man wants to leave talking about marriage for now - “he wants to figure out his career first”. How about you do the same? If you really love each other, your relationship will stand a postponement of a year or so, while you and he both get settled after finishing your studies. Try some travel, a job, a look at the big wide world before you get tied down for life. It will make your marriage better if you have more experience to bring to it. It’s safer for both of you, not to slide into something so complex, more or less because that’s all that’s in your life now.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to MargaretMcKen
Report

See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter