I am 29F, and my partner 29M has some health issues. Nothing that stops him from working yet, but multiple recurrent issues that disturb normal living and day-to-day work. He is absolutely lovely and I love him so much and want to marry him. I think we may end up getting married within the next 1-2 years, but he does not like to talk about it. He says he wants to figure out his career first (I am also finding a job at the moment as I am just finishing Masters in a few months). And I know he is serious about me and cares for me.
Also, he has old parents who have quite a few health problems like diabetes etc. He is an only child so he feels it is his responsibility to take care of them, which I admire. In Indian families, we tend to have a joint family system, so this is nothing new to me. He is also the sole breadwinner in the family so the family is financially dependent on him and he has clearly said that they will stay with him after he gets married. Again, I completely understand that and respect that he wants to take care of his parents. However, given his own health issues, their health issues, limited family savings and their complete dependence on him, I get scared sometimes.
I do want to marry him, but sometimes I am afraid that life becomes will become hard both financially and emotionally because of all the caregiving I may be expected to do after marriage. Though he has never said that taking financial care of his parents would be my responsibility. But I guess it would become so after marriage because he has also mentioned that after marriage, finances of a couple should be joined. Also, I have my parents to take care of. Though my parents have always been adamant that I live my life and they can take care of themselves, I feel they say it only because in Indian families, parents dont expect their daughter to help them. But I can possibly not do that, and we are all sisters, no brother, so who takes care of my family emotionally (financially my parents dont have a problem).
AITA for thinking like this?
- He currently has health issues...he has clearly said that his parents will stay with him after he gets married...he hasn't discussed if it's acceptable for you - it seems like you're being more subservient to him and just accept things as he wishes rather than having your own voice. It's a big expectation for parents to be living in the same house. Plus, your boyfriend would be financially also taking care of his parents - AND, he's decided for you that finances of a couple should be joined - so in essence, your income worked will be used for your in-laws.
Wow, this is all a formula not to be happy - at least for me it would be. I felt suffocated just reading about this situation that you might have. I get the sense that your boyfriend calls the shots and your opinion doesn't count for much. Ugh.
Well, since your boyfriend doesn't want to even discuss marriage right now, would you consider using this an opportunity to step back and be open to dating other people? You don't have a commitment with him at this time, so it may be a chance for you to make sure you're doing the right thing in this situation - and give others a chance. I think that's what I would do.
Wishing you all the very best for clarity and peace ~
Also, just my opinion, but your BF doesn’t want to get married. You might consider starting to emotionally detach now and find a future where you can excel and soar instead of getting dragged down and suffocate.
I hope you make the best decision for you. Keep in mind that there are plenty of guys both within and out of your culture who would love and cherish you and aren’t sick with sick parents.
I think you are smart to look ahead. I found it scary to love someone so much that did not love me in the same way. Think, do you really want to spend the early years of your marriage caring for two old people and you will do the caring. What you need to be doing in that first yearvof marriage is getting to know each other better. Sharing intimacy in your own home with no one around.
Put marriage in the back of your head and look at the whole picture. Just because we love someone, does not mean we can spend the rest of our lives with them.
If you are going to stay within the Indian cultural expectations of you, at least find a healthy man with a great job who can properly support you and that you won't wind up taking care of ALSO. Someone who wants to get married and wants to talk about it and plan a future with you. Someone who makes enough money that he's not relying on YOU to support HIS parents.
That's my suggestion. You are NTA for looking out for yourself in this situation. If it feels wrong, back AWAY.
Along with being INFORMED and articulate, you are not any longer young. You have lived a while, spent time with partner and family, and know the drill, as well as the likelihood of progression of things.
I am a great believer in grownups who are FULLY informed making their own decisions with full recognition and full acceptance of responsibility for choices made.
More simply said? This is up to you.
So my question would be are you living in India or elsewhere? If elsewhere, I would think long and hard before taking on this huge responsibility, as it sounds to me more of a life of hell then of love, joy and freedom.
Why did you do a Masters degree? Where did you expect it to take you? (Surely not into aged care) Why not make some use of it?
Your man wants to leave talking about marriage for now - “he wants to figure out his career first”. How about you do the same? If you really love each other, your relationship will stand a postponement of a year or so, while you and he both get settled after finishing your studies. Try some travel, a job, a look at the big wide world before you get tied down for life. It will make your marriage better if you have more experience to bring to it. It’s safer for both of you, not to slide into something so complex, more or less because that’s all that’s in your life now.
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