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My mother in law who has alzheimers and dementia (and her dog) moved in with my husband and I about 10 months ago. She was living with her longtime partner but he passed away.


It was either a NH or our home at that point. She is unable to cook or even remember to eat as well as keeping herself safe. When my sister in law came to us about moving ML in to our home, both my HB and I made the decision to have her move in. At this point, I had no idea how it would affect us.


ML has severe alzh and dementia, she needs 24/7 care. She needs help with everything except using the bathroom, and cannot be left alone. She recently started having BM accidents and chokes on her food sometimes. ML gets easily confused, asks the same questions or tells the same story over and over all day long. I am her main caregiver because I work from home. I take care of all of her needs (HB has started helping more on his days off but this just recently changed. She has in home care set up with her grand daughter who has been helpful. She helps her shower every other day and keeps her on Fridays for a few hours every week but also has a full time job so her ability to help during the week or weekends is limited). My SL also recently started taking ML during the day on weekends. We have ML Mon-Thurs full time and evenings/ nights the rest of the week.


I feel like my life has completely changed and is starting to affect my relationship with my HB.


MIL hates me. She doesn't hate me as much when my HB is at work or gone. When HB is home, she sticks to his side at all times. I cannot have a conversation with HB in front of ML because she gets agitated (if looks could kill, I'd be dead). She is rude to me and treats me like sh*t. She has cussed at me, tells me this is her house (she thinks we moved in with her) and has constantly told me to get the f**k out of her house. When my HB is not home, she can be sweet and is not as rude to me so I understand it is a jealousy thing.


We have had to watch what we do or say in front of her to avoid putting her in a bad mood. Little things that we use to do such as giving my HB a kiss goodbye when he leaves or comes home, sitting next to each other at the dinner table, watching a movie together in the living room, having a conversation are all things we can't do anymore because it makes ML angry. Being able to go to the grocery store or appts. for my self and kids without having someone watch ML are things I can't do anymore. I sound selfish but those are all things that are important to me and I feel like it is affecting our relationship.


I have talked with my HB several times about how I feel but last night, I told him I am done. I am mentally exhausted. I can't do it anymore. A couple of weeks ago she complained and criticized our dinner and said how s****y it was for the entire time that we ate because she knew I made dinner and my HB sat next to me. For 30 to 45 minutes I had to listen to how horrible my food was (even though she ate it all). I lost it! Got up and said "better than nursing home food" this went right over her head and she forgot I even said that 5 seconds later but I know it hurt my HB and I feel terrible about it (for him). This is not who I am or who I want to be. I usually just take her words and try to not let it bother me but lately I feel like I've had enough.


HB does not think ML is ready to be in a NH and thinks I need help. ML is helpless. He says I should block everything she says and let it go because she has a disease and this is temporary. He is not forcing me to keep taking care of her but he is definitely making me feel guilty for saying I can't do it anymore. His solution is to hire someone to come in and take care of her while he is at work. This would help but it wouldn't change the way she treats me or give us back our "normal life". Also, before ML moved in, we saw her no more than 1 or 2 times per year so I am a complete stranger to her and I never had a relationship with her. Please help.

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Does MIL have a doctor? Could he/she explain to your husband that this disease is not "temporary" and will only get worse? Perhaps the doctor could suggest that long-term care is needed.
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Glad for the update. SIL needs to have all the problems dumped in her lap. You are still doing to much and finding answers that she vets. Now its her turn. Let her figure out the $ and the place etc. Nothing is making her happy so she should deal with it herself. I wouldnt fork over $ til I saw the proof for it first.
Ley her be in control bc nothing else will do. Id sit back and let her handle everything. GD will burn out soon.
Its not the mil you cant deal with, its the disease at dementia. Let sil be blasted, insulted. She might even get physical. I notice as sil has no problem putting mom on others but she isn't stepping up for her care. Donr back down or they will have you watching mil every time go goes to work.
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I am so glad that MIL is off your back. Let DH and his family sort this.
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Well done!!!!! Good for you and yes keep track of the money situation,
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WITL, I am so pleased to read your update. I think you should be enormously proud of yourself. You were pushed hard into the corner but instead of saying there (like many do) you used communication & action to get out & find better solutions.

Your DH should be congratulated too for being able to look properly & lose his denial.

SIL still seems under the fog of denial. Knows she doesn't want memory care or strangers etc but what DOES she want? Magic? Give her time. Hopefully she too will get through her denial & accept the reality.

Granddaughter/carer probably has to live it to get it too. Will buckle pretty quick IMO so have that memory care place on hold. 15mins to your place - sounds like a great solution.

Come back anytime & update or advise others.
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Dear "WITL2020,"

Thank you for your update as I was wondering as well as the rest of us how things were going.

At least there is a new plan that gets you out of the "caregiving business" so to speak.

I sure hope everything works out as planned and am glad you're feeling like you have your life back and it's like a breath of fresh air - because it is!

Even though you didn't want to take on another dog, I'm glad you did because as you said the dog is already having a hard time being separated from MIL and I'm sure she'll get used to living with you especially if you ever reach the point of having MIL over for a visit.

I'm sorry that things didn't end too well between you and your SIL but, maybe in time she'll come around.

I give you all credit for coming to the forum, getting much needed advice/suggestions, reading through all of them together but most of all, putting it into action and creating a permanent solution - so many people don't!

Best wishes to all of you as you start the process and hope you will give another update somewhere down the road as to how it's all going and working out for everyone - in the meantime take care of yourself now!

Oops! forgot to hit the "reply" button :(
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Hi everyone! Just an update:
The past few days/week has been very hard on us. MIL moved in with her granddaughter who gets has been getting paid to care for her.

HB was home with his mom all week, I did nothing to help with her and let him do all of the work. I pretty much stayed in my room or out of the house for an entire week. After finally getting my HB to understand and see that having his mother live with us was too much for one person to deal with, damaging our relationship, hurting our kids and myself; He spoke with his sister and they agreed to look in to a memory care facility. SIL had told us that my MIL's medicare/medicaid would not cover the entire monthly fee so we would have to pay for half of whatever the extra fee would be. I let SIL know I was fine with us paying for half of the cost. I then did some research and found that the entire amount would be paid for and found a memory care facility that specializes in Alzheimer's with an opening. This facility is just a 15 minute drive from us and 10 min for SIL. SIL then didn't like that currently, the facility only allows visits on specific days and times (due to COVID) , and MIL would also be able to spend time with family on days that she has Drs appointments. SIL said she did not like that she would not be able to just stop by whenever she wanted (even though we have no restrictions for visitors at home and we never saw her all week). Anyway, SIL told me that a memory care facility or nursing home was not an option.

I finally had enough of her excuses and told my HB I was absolutely done and they needed to figure out what to do with their mom as I was not an option anymore. HB also got a taste of what my life looks like except he was able to focus on just his mom and not work..

I have a feeling that the granddaughter is not willing to give up the money she has been getting to care for her grandma, but that is not my problem anymore.

We moved my MIL with her granddaughter this weekend and we were told we would have to pay for half of the cost of a private caregiver since the GD works full time. I brought up the fact that In Home Care is paying out 92 hours per month and if we let them know that we now need full time help, they would probably help with more. SIL said they do not want a stranger coming in to the home.

In the end, I am just happy to have my life back. I don't really care about the unnecessary money we will be paying out, we can afford it. I give them 2 months before they put MIL in the memory care facility because they have never spent more than 8 hours with her.

MIL's dog stayed with us because the granddaughter doesn't want the extra work of having a dog in the home even though I was always told MIL had to have her dog with her "mom is easier to care for if she has her dog" "ger dog will keep her busy" "the dog has been with mom all her life, she would have a hard time if she wasnt with mom"- But not when it comes to them having to take the extra responsibility. I also did not want an extra dog but we took her in because she has been with MIL for the past 8 -10 years. The dog is having a really hard time, I am hopeful that with time, she gets use to being with just us.

I just want to say THANK YOU to everyone who took the time to respond and give an honest opinion. I am glad my HB asked me to do this, it has really helped me understand that MIL had to go, I am not a bad person for wanting my life back. I am hoping that with time, I will be able to take MIL out for ice cream or have her come over for dinner. I feel like once she forgets that she hates my guts and that her son is her husband, I will be able to be around her.

As far as the SIL goes, I feel like I lost a friend- I have known her longer than I have my HB and I considered her my BF up until now and I am ok with that.

The past couple of days have been like a fresh breath of air, I had forgotten what it was like to live a normal life.
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notgoodenough Nov 2020
I'm glad it's working out for you.
I have just one more bit of advice, and that's in regards to the money your SIL seems to think you "owe" to pay for MIL's care - whatever it is you're willing to pay, I would send an e-mail (and I would BCC myself on this email to show what day/time you sent it) specifying ***exactly*** what you are willing to contribute - this way, there's no "misunderstanding" down the road.
I would send this ASAP, while things are still new.
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WITL,

Your description of a parent moving in as ‘life changing’ is dead on!

I know that I wasn’t prepared for the changes or challenge of caring for a parent.

My heart goes out to you. I hope that you will find a viable solution soon.

Sometimes it works out to have parents live with adult children. It seems like more often it doesn’t. It clearly isn’t working in your situation. Keep us posted. Vent anytime and I wish you all the best.
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You need to get her out of your house and your life. She is far gone and it gets worse in time. You never know what they will do next. She is not really safe in your house. If you read what other people have written you can see. I tend to think that husbands don't deal well with their mothers but they are not around or doing all the work that their wife has to do. You work from home? That must be hard. Look for a place to put her. Alz patients don't seem to really taste food after awhile. Might be able to get them to eat their favorite ice cream or something they love but that is about it. The sense of smell and taste goes at some point in their disease. If HB won't listen to you (and I think it is hard for him to make the decision) then leave him alone with her for a weekend and you go away. Then he can see what it is like. I am sure he misses the life you two had together.
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You should tell your husband you took his advice & joined a support group. And then show him this post with all the responses from your “support group” ;)
Maybe he will see the light and realize how badly he is handling the situation.
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My mom had akz for 15 years. I fully understand the behavior. With all the compassion I can muster, stop the freakin madness. And that's what it is, madness. You may not be able to see this from the inside, but I certainly can. Your MIL needs a nursing home. You will spend your health trying to do something you can't.

In a short time she may need diapers, refuse to bathe, get violent, walk out of the house while your sleeping, drink Murphys oil soap when no one's looking because it looks like apple juice (my precious mom drank blue nail polish remover because she was thirsty). I'm so very sorry but you're out of your depth.

The choking concerns me. At a nursing home, they have special meals for those who tend to choke. They will even have someone feed her if that's needed. They have a large supply of diapers and pull ups. There is someone around and awake 24 hours a day in case something happens. She can make friends who are in the same boat. Havibg that was a great comfort to my mom.

I would start touring nursing homes. A good one can be a life saver. You will know when you walk in whether it's goid or not. Pay attention to the way the people are treated.

Good luck and be strong. If your MIL moves to a nursing home, you can visit often. You'll just have someone else doing the heavy lifting.
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Dear OP, I was concerned about what was happening for you, and re-read the first few posts, including “I love my husband and he is truly a wonderful man. His caring and compassionate personality is what made me fall in love with him.” I recently replied to another poster who said her fiance is ‘a keeper’ for much the same reasons (and about similar problems).

My reply was “There are many posts about guys who are ‘keepers’, and it often seems to depend on them being helpful, non-assertive, and pleasant to be with. Unfortunately, many of them seem to be incapable of standing up to mother. Give him a clear choice - you or mother. If he won’t choose, get out. The compromise solutions are just another way to show that you don’t come first.” 

I do hope that things are sorting themselves out. Yours truly, Margaret
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I'm sorry for your experience. I would loop in her doctor and request a meeting with a memory care service provider. Let them explain how her needs are best met in (memory) care unit. Her safety is paramount and her acting out is not manageable at home. You could supplement by visiting, bringing her treats and being available to her. Best wishes ~ Nydia
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This arrangement is clearly not fair to you and your husband does not sound at all sympathetic to your feelings even though you are helping with his mother. In addition, your MIL is interfering with your marriage. I would let him go ahead and the hire 24/7 help and then step away from your current responsibilities for her care. In other words, let him fully take responsibility of everything involving her care and maybe he'll appreciate you a lot more. Since she is in your home, it's also very important to start setting boundaries with her. Even a young child will respond to boundaries and it's not too late to start with her. You deserve the proper respect in your own home. It's inexcusable for your husband to ignore her behaviours directed towards you. Even if some behaviors are due to her altered mental status, that does not make it less distressing to you or anyone else who has to take care of her. If worst comes to worst, maybe her physician can be consulted about what can be done to improve her agitated mood. Best wishes to you.
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Imho, this dynamic is not working especially since your MIL has Alzheimer's. Suggest facility living for your MIL. Prayers sent.
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I’d go to your library or call social services and see where you can get some material to read about people with Alzheimer’s or dementia. She can’t help it she repeats stuff all day long or doesn’t remember stuff. And if you scream at her it makes it all that more worse!!
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Isthisrealyreal Nov 2020
It is not the Original Poster that is doing the screaming, it is the MIL and she does know because she doesn't do it unless her son is there. Selective cognition?
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Some people are not meant to be caregivers especially for someone you don't know very well. I understand that your husband doesn't want to put his mother in a care facility, but does he want to stay married? Sometimes you can't do both. You will continue to build up resentment no matter how much "help" your husband gets you. Your house is not your house anymore. I'm sorry if it sounds harsh but, this will not get better, only worse. Sit down with your husband and make arrangements for assisted living, memory care or whatever for your mother. You may need to resort to medicaid, but if that is what is available, then that is what is available. Both you and your husband may have to develop a thicker skin so as to not feel guilty, but you (and he), need to put your marriage first.
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It sounds like your husband needs to be educated on his mother’s illness and the support group .
I would suggest a camera with audio.
your options are hiring outside help and she remain with you or reconsider assistive living in a memory care unit .
it doesn’t sound like a healthy situation and your husband has blinders on .
I have lived in a mother /daughter.
Recently , My mother past and we are planning to sell and move my dad into an assistive living bc the stress is affecting our mental health , physical health , blood pressure , not to mention our relationship . My husband fall asleep at 8:30 the other night after a stressful day .
i wish you the best .
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I've been the husband. I couldn't handle seeing my LO loose their personality, their independence...who they were at their core. My husband did most of the heavy caretaking for a year before we finally, after a few incidences of dementia induced violence, made the decision to put my LO in a nursing home. It was a rough year - it was very difficult to go on vacation, leave the house even for a hike... To this day I admire my husband for all he did and I thank him every time my LO comes up in a conversation. I highly recommend that husband starts showing some appreciation. What your doing is a nearly impossible job that you're not qualified for and for your husband to tell you that "need help" without thanking you and showing major appreciation, is bad bad bad on his part. To your husband: I think it's important to think about whether your making things worse or better by keeping MIL at home. And you need to consider everything that's important in the decision, including your marriage. Yes, dementia is a disease, but like what someone said before, keeping her at home isn't going to cure her. She's not going to get better. If guilt is what is keeping your mother out of a NH...why isn't guilt for putting your marriage and your spouse through such stress and insults a consideration for putting MIL in a NH? What if something happens under your wife's watch? Do you and your family plan to blame your wife? Did you think about the massive responsibility your putting on your wife?
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If this is harming the relationship between your husband and you. If it is emotionally harming you, then those are reasons enough for MIL to stop living with you and be living in a place with trained help. Your home needs to be a safe environment for you and family. It’s impossible to ignore her behaviour and live with it. Her words and actions will keep triggering you and this is toxic. Caregivers can become stressed and sick.
Take care of yourself and of your relationship. Say no.
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Having gone through this with my own father I know what you are going through. Your spouse is selfish as he is not at home to take care of her. Who is actually taking care of her? When I moved my father in he was able to help himself and my spouse hated it! His mother wanted to move in as well..she has two daughters who I might add she cared for ALL their children...I have no children. I told him help no, I would rather divorce him and live with my father. Well then it really was an issue so I moved my dad back into his own home and I moved in with him and now he needed 24/7 care. My sister did not help, my spouse was just a selfish person.

If MIL has a daughter that is who she should be staying with and if that is not possible it is time to put her in NH as doesn't get any better, only worse. My dad passed last year August 22 and I miss him terribly but if what I know now I knew then I would not have moved him into my home...it caused a great big mess in my relationship which to this day has not healed and I doubt it will.

My sister in law and I said we would NEVER care for our MIL cause she has two able bodied daughter, and grandchildren...she is not our mother and main thing is we did not have a relationship with her. She was plotting to move into one of her home...she stated so, but thank God we both are strong and independent and said hell no! When she was plotting to move in she started calling us and sending birthday cards and giving us Christmas gifts. Really lady? We did not fall for it!

Tell your spouse you love him, but his mother is not your responsibility...I am sorry you are going through this, it is not easy when it is your own, and it is even more devastating when it's not your own parent. Tell your spouse it is time for NH...yes it is hard, but for your sanity...you need to do it! I was losing my mind, no sleep, not eating and cried all the time especially when I thought about if I died before dad who would care for him?

I wish and hope for you all the very best and that a favorable solution is reached and reached fast! Hugs!
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rovana Nov 2020
I have to disagree that it is a daughter's (read woman's) responsibility to do caregiving. Women have a right to their autonomy just as much as men do.
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You have been left with more responsibility for your MIL than you want., and your husband is obviously torn between attachment to his mother and standing up for you. If he is nurturing and empathetic and feels a need to "protect" his Mother as she becomes more disabled and dependent, I feel badly for him, but he needs to be realistic about the her attitude has on you. It may be unreasonable to expect youto do all the accommodating.

You have some good plans for hands-on help, but It must be very defeating to endure MIL's criticism. Your exasperation at her complaints certainly justifies your outburst of "better than nursing home food." I think if it were me I would be tempted to take a "vacation" for a couple of weeks and stay in a hotel, but that might be harder to do during COVID.
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My mom moved in with us. She needs 24/7 care which we receive through Medicaid. I have caregivers coming and going 24/7 which is an invasion of privacy but it works ok for us... we just hope it doesn’t go on for years. The caregivers stay with my mom in her room or take her outside. Check with a lawyer if you can get her on Medicaid CDPASS.
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FloridaDD Nov 2020
In many (most?) states, it is virtually impossible to get 24/7 care paid by Medicaid.   It is a state by state thing, but even NY is getting tougher.   They will push for the elderly one to get moved to nursing home
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The hard truth is that this is just the beginning of a decline for your MIL. You can't stop it, but you can save your relationship with your husband. Taking her into your home was kind but unrealistic. What do you do when the granddaughter can't help? When her incontinence increases? When her mind plays worse tricks than you can imagine on her and you?
After 15 years of caretaking, I placed my mom in a NH to keep her safe and to save my health. After a lifetime of exceptional health, I was just diagnosed with a serious heart problem. They "don't know" when or why this developed, but I'm sure the years of stress took their toll, overloading my body with cortisol. The rest of my life is diminished. This could be your fate if you ignore your own needs.
Your husband desperately wants to help his mother, a good son and a good person. It's hard to admit a parent's state is beyond your means to help. His experience and yours are different here, but neither of you can know how long this stay could be or how hard it can get. You have to both fight the denial. Sorry, but it WILL GET WORSE! Save your marriage -- and your lives -- by moving MIL into a care facility while you still have the energy.
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I think you should let her stay until your husband feels something else s.sneeds to be done. Hire someone to come in and help you part time. If you put her someplace that gets quarantined due to Covid, she will be all alone and chances are won't be allowed any visitors. I seen this where I work and even in their last hour they were alone. Do you want to take a chance that you cause that to happen for your husband and his mother?
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runaway Nov 2020
I am sorry, but you are worried about the husband and his mother...what about her sanity and that fact that MIL is not her mother and not her responsibility...the husband needs to figure out how to take care of his own mother without killing off his wife! So sorry, I am not caring for anyone else's mother unless he is an only child and they have a great relationship...but the abuse is definitely a no, no in my book! Husband needs to find a way to care for his mother himself...not his wife's job...not in my book!

Okay, so we are all worried about COVID-19, well what if the wife dies, what then...won't the husband have to find a way to care for his mother?????? Just saying...I took care of both my parents and I am not taking care of anyone else's mother...caring for my parents almost killed me!
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Tell him that she is starting to choke on her food because maybe she has some shakes? parkinsons? Either way having a professional available at all times to help with the choking is necessary and the best way to do that is in a nursing home. The amount of stress taking care of her has put the whole family in turmoil.
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lealonnie1 Nov 2020
Choking & eating issues in general come along with later stages of dementia; it's quite common.
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What helped for my HB and me was to hire someone to stay with MIL for an evening and get out on a date night.  Go somewhere you can talk openly about what is happening and needs to happen.  It may be that he is so close to mom that he is not seeing what it going on.  I suggest a picnic in the park, if you like that kind of thing and if weather cooperates,  or a casual dining place like pizza,  but whatever you do make it somewhere you can talk to each other openly.  It helps, sometimes just venting to him will help him see what MIL is doing to your relationship.   (I know I had MIL in our home for 10+ years before we finally made the decision for a NH,  and even under the best of circumstances it effects your relationship with HB.)
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You took on a job you had no experience with, and now, you have no support. Dementia & Alzheimer's is something that even seasoned pros who work in Memory Care Assisted Living homes have difficulty with at times. They work in teams 24/7, yet you are expected to do this alone, for the most part, and care for a woman who is quite agitated (which is common with dementia) and acting out towards you most of the time. Your DH has his head in the sand and is laying a guilt trip on you and that's a bad thing. Perhaps HE should quit HIS job and take care of her FULL TIME? That would last a week, at most, before he threw up his hands in surrender and started looking into Memory Care ALFs, trust me.

Advice to shift your MIL around from house to house isn't good. People with dementia need familiarity and continuity. A Memory Care ALF would be best because they are fully equipped to deal with her behaviors 24/7, while you are not *nor should you be expected to*.

I hope you do show your DH all these responses and that he has a reality check as a result. Caring for a demented elder in home reaches the point where it becomes impossible for the vast majority of us, as you are now seeing. When your MIL starts playing with her feces and smearing it all over the place, we'll see you back here asking for advice about what to do NOW!? That's how this scenario often plays out. Then she needs an anti strip jumpsuit to sleep in along with a Depends and a liner, so she can't get into her pants and make a mess. THIS is where dementia/ALZ often goes..........downhill FAST.

Research nearby Memory Care ALFs. My mother lives in one and let me tell you, she gets a GREAT quality of care over there that I could NEVER give her here as I'm only one human being. Common sense dictates what needs to happen now.

In the meantime, I suggest you read up about dementia/ALZ at Alzheimers.org and watch Teepa Snow videos on YouTube as she is a wonderful teacher on the subject & can provide you with valuable coping strategies as well as hands on techniques to use with MIL.

Wishing you the very best of luck getting through to your DH and getting him to see and to FEEL your pain. Placing his mother in care is not 'abandoning' her; it's helping her AND it's saving his marriage, which is what ought to come FIRST.
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I say step out of the picture100% in her care. Your husband needs a wake up call. He's in denial. Until he realizes just how bad she is, nothing will change. You've done your part, now let him do his and blast that sister in law to suggest mom lives with you!! Your mil needs to be in a facility wether your hb thinks so or not. You deserve a 3 week vacation leaving husband alone to care for his mom. He can get at the very least time off his job from the family leave act. You've done your share...now let him either do his or HE can find her a facility. She is his mom...not yours. God luck...
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lealonnie1 Nov 2020
Exactly! A 3 week all expenses paid vacation to an all inclusive Club Med type place on the beach!!
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One thing fir sure, with dementia, it won't ever get better, it only gets worse.
I suggest having another family member have her move in with them and if that can't happen, see if you can move MIL into a Senior Apartment and hire a Live In as that would be about 1/3 the cost of hiring Caregivers in Shifts for 24 7 Care.

All the family could take her one day a weekend to give the Live In a break, therefore you might just have her one day a month.

Check your MIL finances and see if this is something affordable.

If not then start
Checking on Nursing Homes. Find a couple, show them to your husband and then let MIL choose the one she likes best.

In the end, you are the only one to take care of you.

Start going places and let Your husband stay home with his mom all day by himself and after a few weekends, he'll realize what it's like for you and will be more understanding.

Sad when people lose their minds but in this case, seeing someone once or twice a year is understandable that you are a stranger to her and she sees you as you're invading her home.

Prayers
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Tutgrum21 Nov 2020
Ther are no facilities open to new senior citizens in Flagler County , so what do you suggest?
Doesn’t look like families have any alternatives also the cost of NH is prohibitive, parents who don’t plan ahead or give their children Power of Attorney are being unrealistic, ( I’m assuming they have a loving , caring , attitude.
It helps to have a discussion long before the need , so that all consents and provisions are agreed for when and if the occasion arises.
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