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My mother has early stage dementia. She is not real bad at all. She maybe won't be able to tell you what she had for lunch or maybe she will tell you something twice. Or for example: One minute she remembers the name of name of the corona virus the next she calls it something similar and says what's it called again? But she will remember always of the issue with the virus. Knows we need to find a vaccine. Knows the president. She knows where she is and what is going on. Understands and acknowledges she is forgetful. But other than that she is running around involved in activities at her assisted living facility. She washes her own clothes, bathes herself, gets ready herself, picks her own meals, takes her own meds. So pretty independent so to speak. She does not have oxygen or walkers or anything of that nature. Overall in good shape she just can be a bit forgetful at times.


Her brother is her POA. He has put her in an assisted living facility for 4 years. She does not want to be there. Never has. He has always told her don't worry you will get out. This isn't forever. He has been forcing her to stay there and to pay that and on top of that he has let her house just sit there for 4 years. So she is paying for an empty house and for an assisted living. He tells her when she gets better she can leave. Who are we kidding?? Dementia does not get better. It only gets worse so enjoy your years while you are still mostly with it! He has sold her dream after dream. I offered for her to come move in with me. He said no way because he hates me and doesn't believe I am smart enough for that. She really wants to but he has her under the impression she is stuck there and she has no say so in anything because he is in control and she needs to be there. He wants her there because it is easy for HIM. He wants to travel and not have to worry about her. He calls her maybe twice a week. He does not truly care for her emotions. She says she is just miserable. She always says to him I don't want to be here. I don't want to die here. I want to get out. He says "Well you have to die somewhere" He is just emotionless for her. He is throwing her items out which she never gave the okay to do. He told her he'd put him in storage because he will "get her an apartment" (That's just one of the dreams he sells her) She has asked to go to her own house just to see it.. he does not allow her to. He is not doing what is in her best interest or acknowledging her feelings. She lives miserable everyday. Yet, she is not exactly clear on what he is doing because he brainwashes her. He uses her weaknesses to his advantage. He keeps selling her dream after dream. I asked him to his face if he has any real intention on getting her out. He said no. Not until she is better. I told her to exercise to help her brain she won't do that. Like are you kidding me? You're going to punish her when she has her daughters house she want to and can go to?


I feel he is not actually working in her best interest but rather in what is easiest for him. As well as retaliation because he hates me. He is a control freak. He went as far as trying to stop her communication with me. As well as with her friend. He filed a police report against the friend of hers who has been there for her for years. He made he say what he wanted and now the friend can't visit her because he made a police report. The report is all in his words. Even says it is him vs the friend. Yet he made the living place stop him for visiting and told her there is a restraining order and she can't talk to him or she will get in trouble with the police. it was an incident report.. No restraining order! & She can do whatever she wants. Now that she has had time away from him in lockdown she is talking to the friend again as the brainwashing and scare tactics are not around her currently. She cries to me on the phone how she wants to get out of there and prays he has a change of heart.


My questions are.. what can I do??

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If the brother has POA then that was conferred upon him by your mother, and apparently four years ago. Are you saying that in this four years your mother has remained so very little impaired? Do you visit your mother frequently? Are you prepared to care for your mother in your own home? If so, then you can visit an elder law attorney who will visit and speak with your mother. If she is competent to make out a new POA assigning you as her POA, the the one assigned her brother is negated, but the attorney will want to visit with your mother alone to accertain that he knows and understands fully who now has POA, who she wishes to have it in future and etc. It is not necessary that she be not forgetful or anything, simply that she fully understands what she is doing by conferring POA upon you. If she is NOT fully competent, and you wish to care for her in your own home, you can seek guardianship. This is expensive and you would be reimbursed by your mother's estate only if you won guardianship. If the brother fought you in court this would be well over 10,000 to do and there is a good chance that, given there are two family members, the judge will confer guardianship upon the state and appoint a guardian that neither her brother nor you will have any control over. So it is all dicey. There has to be some reason your mother chose the brother? Do you know what that reason is. It is clear he is not abusing his care of her in that her care for four years in ALF is quite costly.
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I am so sorry. This is hard for your mom and you. How did her brother get POA? Why can’t her friend visit? Why did he file a police report? Do you see your mom? Do you live in the same city? It is very hard to be a primary caregiver.

She might have to be in a facility because she won’t ever be cured but it’s sad that he keeps her friends away. Does she have friends at the facility? What doesn’t she like about it or is it just that she would rather be home?
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I agree with everything Isthisrealyreal posted. You may be romanticizing taking care of her. Please please read the thousands of posts on this forum under Caregiver Burnout by the loving, well-meaning children who didn't really understand their parent's dementia and what they were signing up for. No one is going to rescue you when you are exhausted and can't leave her alone or she is up all night or soiling herself and removing her protective underpants before you can get to her and she resists showering and anything you try to do for her or she becomes angry and says ugly things all day long etc etc etc. And there is not much financial help for in-home care so I hope one of you has a lot of money for outside help. Not saying you can't do it. Just ponder whether you should.
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If your mom is of sound mind she can revoke the current POA and name someone else to be her POA.

I would use an attorney to do this.

Be very educated on what living and caring for dementia looks like before you do anything.

Sometimes people are in the life long home begging to be taken home.

Dementia is brutal and it only gets worse, are you prepared for the long haul? If not, she may be in the right place for her condition.

Can you speak with her caregivers and doctors to find out what she is diagnosed with and how she behaves daily. A phone call or visit can be showtimed and you think that all is well, then you spend a day or week with them and what happen? They are not like you thought from phone calls and visits.

I hope that you are able to help your mom find contentment, wherever she is.
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