I live with my grandmother as an agreement reached before her failing mental health and the death of my grandpa, her husband of 73 years. Her POA has moved from California to be near us and is aware of her failing mental state. She tells me I overreact after continuously begging her for help. My mother has summoned her to find help, even providing numbers and names and how to yet she has failed to do so. How can I go about making use of that information? I can’t wait anymore I will end up in the hospital with a heart attack. I am 45 years old and these last 2 years have been a slippery slope. family visits for maybe 2 hours once a week, she def does the "show timers" thing and she’s acting out in front of my 11-year-old daughter. the POA has made no attempt whatsoever in FEAR SHE WOULD BE BLAMED FOR PUTTING HER IN A HOME. I need help!

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You are in a tricky spot. You have taken on the care responsibility but lack the authority to make changes (decisions & financial).

The quickest way from there is to quit.

Give 2 weeks notice to the POA. If not permanently, to take a holiday. Is there someone you could stay with for 2 weeks if need be?

Without you, the POA must provide round the clock care in-home themself, hire help or have Grandma moved into care.

Either the POA is in denial & you stepping back will allow them to SEE & FEEL reality.
Or, they do know the needs & are using you. Either way, without you, reality will FORCE the POA to make big changes.

This is extreme & many could not even contemplate as it would leave their elder in danger. Is this the case?

If so, say so. So we can help form a SAFER plan.
Helpful Answer (15)
Reply to Beatty
Demamdatory Nov 25, 2022
i make her meds morning and night she is not capable of remembering them and i feed her dinner she makes her own toast for breakfast i am right here and keep her from burning the house down. def would not be able to leave her alone. i barely do, only the time i go to work. which i ve knocked down to four hours a day three days a week...people call to check on her but she uses the phone for the tv remote leaves the phone off the hook cause she thinks its the remote daily. i appreciate your reply more than you know thank you so so so much. ill be looking for a two week vacation in my near future. at least one week .....
You are NOT responsible for your grandmothers care. The POA is. You understand that right? You are risking your own health for what? And who's going to take care of you when you need it?
Are you living rent free in exchange for caring for your grandmother? And I hope you are still getting paid for your 24/7 care?
But even if you're getting paid, you know that all the money in the world is not worth losing your health over, so give the POA a months notice, go get yourself a small apartment, and a new less stressful job.
And if need be, call APS and report a vulnerable adult living on their own and they will come and do an investigation. Then the POA will really be in trouble if they don't step up and provide the proper care needed, whether it be hands on or being placed in a facility.
And you can once and for all get on with your life, and get back to just being the granddaughter and not the caregiver.
I wish you well.
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to funkygrandma59

call the local Area Agency of Aging and ask for a needs assessment. Having a professional evaluate GMs needs should help.

I think this is the one in your area.

They have a hotline. You can discuss her situation and if need be give them the POAs number. They may refer the situation to APS? I’m not sure. It is a place to start.

Who is the POA thinking is going to blame her? More like getting blamed for standing in the way of her mother getting care.
You have your daughter, your grandmother and yourself to protect. I’m glad you are finding the forum helpful.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to 97yroldmom
Crystals9369 Dec 1, 2022
I agree with this 100%.
It sounds like you're in over your head. Elderly caregiving is one of the most difficult jobs in the world. However you're getting compensated is not worth it imo. You're going to have to give the poa your notice and they will have to figure it out. It will be a lot more expensive but that's their problem.
Rip that bandaid off because this will age the heck out of you.
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This is EXACTLY what I'm going through! My advice is to stop allowing them to use you. I hope you are getting paid out of grandmas annuity to help care for her. I speak from experience...I am 45 and have been taking care of my grandmother for 9 years! She is 99 and my dad (her only child) is POA. I would suggest everything everyone else has said. It sounds like you have a huge heart and took on a MAJOR responsibility and now you're being taken advantage of. I know it's easier said than done to walk away. Prayers for you.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to annette925

Get a job and move out. You are being used.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to ZippyZee

What you can do is leave immediately. Let the POA know that you can no longer do this and it is their responsibility.

I learned the hard way that you don’t do any caretaking for someone unless you are the one with medical & financial POA……..they have all the control
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Jada824
BurntCaregiver Dec 1, 2022

That is the best advice on the thread. Never do any family caretaking unless you are the medical and financial POA.
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Whatever agreement you made with grandma is probably "void" since she is no longer cognizant and decision making is out of your hands.
Whatever living arrangement has been made you need to look for other arrangements if placing grandma in a facility is in the future.
Send a letter, I would send certified, to the POA and inform the POA that under the current conditions you can no longer SAFELY care for grandma.
Outline what changes need to be made in order for you to continue caring for her.
Pick a date that the changes need to be made by. If there has been no improvement then tell the POA that for grandma's safety and yours you will no longer be able to care for her.
You could contact APS and inform them that as of (give the date you gave POA) grandma will be an at risk senior living by herself with no caregiver.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Grandma1954

If the POA has her own mother to care for she shouldn't be POA. If she is not performing the duties of a POA it should be revoked. Problem with that is Grandmom is not capable of assigning someone else.

I would call APS and see what they can do. But, I think it comes down to you getting guardianship to override the POA. This can be expensive. Grandmoms money maybe able to be used to obtain it. As guardian you will then have the right to place grandma if you need to. Get help in the house so you can work full-time.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to JoAnn29

who designated you as the caregiver? Why do you think you are the one responsible for her if you don/t have the POA? Would it be possible for you to drive your grandmother over to the POA's house and drop her off?
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to kahill1918
KNance72 Dec 1, 2022
Thats the best advice so Far .
Who would blame the POA and why would it matter? If she needs better care, the POA might be blamed for keeping her from getting it. Tell that to the POA.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Fawnby

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