Sister in-law has POA and it's getting to her head. She always says, I am doing what mom wants. Mom has Alzheimer’s and half the time she turns on and off her Alzheimer’s. She seems to do it to us, her son and me but, to others she is just fine. So, when we ask her things that deals with POA, she always says, got to ask Lisa. It seems that she doesn’t know anything about anything. We feel my sister in-law is using mom as a prop and doing all and making all decision by herself and just saying I am doing what mom wants. lol
I was the oldest daughter and close to my Mom. I lived in the same town where brothers lived 8 hrs and 30 min away. The 30 min away brother is useless. Love him but as the baby, just not there for my parents. So I was assigned POA for Mom. As POA, I felt I was the one of 3 kids that knew what my Mom wanted when she no longer could express it. My brothers had no idea of Moms likes and dislikes. So decisions I made were based on, what would Mom have done. I had it in the POA what my responsibilities were. What I could and could not do. I would have never taken on Moms care if I had not been her POA for both financial and Medical.
SIL does not have to do the physical caring but she is responsible to keep Mom safe, clean and fed. If that means hiring an aide, on Moms dime, so be it. If Mom needs 24/7 care she has the ability to place her. Also, the ability to sell the home to pay for the care.
If you are no longer responsible for her care, then let SIL do what she wants. Or, leave it between ur husband and SIL. You need to concentrate on you.
" I have a sister inlaw who acts like a good daughter to her mom now that her mom is getting close to death. All the other years it was me and her son who took care of her and the husband. Husband died in Jan and now somehow without telling us why she wanted to live with her daughter now. Well, she did me a favor cause I am happy to have my own life back......"
And Geaton is right; AD doesn't present itself as a fluid issue 100% of the time; it's subject to change continuously. The best thing you can do is educate yourself about the disease so you can better understand how it works.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing Alzheimer's Disease and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia/AD and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Good luck.
Nope, that's not how ALZ works. Please go to ALZ.org or watch some Teepa Snow videos on YouTube to educate yourself about this disease so you can stop being suspicious about and second-guessing your SIL. Your mom may have given her DPoA (Durable Power of Attorney) which is active immediately, even without a diagnosis of impairment or incapacity. That's what my Mom gave me and she's still very capable of a lot of things, but sometimes her memory is off and sometimes she gets confused. Her neighbors are shocked when I tell them this because they don't see it.
If your Mom seems "just fine" it may be what is called Apparent Competency. My MIL had this and it relates to short-term memory loss. If you asked my MIL general questions (How are you? What are you up to?) she'd give general answers (I'm fine, Not much, etc.) BUT once you asked her who the President is, what's today's date, what season is it now -- she couldn't answer any of those questions. Even though my MIL didn't have dementia per se, her short-term memory was so bad that she didn't know if she'd eaten that day or not. She had to go into AL. So, it is very likely your SIL is acting appropriately for your Mom. Your Mom chose her so you will need to accept it and it would be loving and awesome if you asked her how you could support or help her to take of your Mom (if you aren't already doing so). I wish you family harmony as everyone goes on this ride together.