My husband and I live 800 miles away from my parents. We have decided to sell our home and go live at my parent's home. We realize it will be a major change and I want to get as informed as possible to what to expect.
My mother recently went through lung cancer operation and chemo, which she quit half way due to her feeling too sick to continue. The flying back and forth was becoming very expensive and my father just can't seem to handle all the pressure involved. My dad is 77 and mom is 75. What I have noticed is that they are both becoming forgetful. Also my mom seems to be in a somewhat depressed/angry/violent at times mood. She is making a habit of leaving the house and disappearing for many hours when she gets upset and consequently we worry like crazy. I always said I would take care of them and I am happy that my husband is supportive and willing to make this move. We are childless and my only other brother (he was a quadriplegic for 18 years, due to an accident) died 2 years ago. Helping to take care of him, I realize how much work there was to be done and how demanding people can become. What I see/hear mostly is the difficutly involved with living and taking care of aging parents, is there some stories where things work out relatively well? Or should I re-think about moving into the house with them? My mom doesn't drive and doesn't speak english very well either and always depends on my dad to do everything except cook/clean house unless she's too sick.
What I really hate, more than anything else, is the lack of privacy, space, and solitude. I have the small bedroom and that is literally the only private space I have - and it's not really that private because it's an apartment. The other night I was in tears over feeling trapped in my tiny room just because I needed some alone time, without being talked to, or stared at, or followed around. Maybe it's different for those who aren't introverts, but I am starting to feel claustrophobic being here, and now winter is upon us, and I've sublet my place so I have literally nowhere to be alone anymore, except driving around in my car, which has become a mess because I feel like I'm half living out of it.
I really miss being able to go back to my own home and decompress, charge my batteries. Like, I REALLY miss it. Sometimes I hate my mother SOOOO much, all because I can't get any space.
It's just something to think about. If you are going to move in with them, make sure you have your own private space, hopefully with your own private bathroom (I can't even go across the hall to take a leak without being stared at or drawn into some inane conversation), and set your boundaries right away.
Ideally I would have moved each of us into opposite sides of a duplex instead. But at least I didn't move away from the town and people I love for this.
It was devestating for me to have to quit a job I had done for 30
Years. MY dad was fine until June if 2016. I asked him to come see me and stay the weekend several times and he always declined. He came for Christmas and maybe 1 other weekend a year. He worked until he was 82 driving cars for an auto dealer and had a
girlfriend he took out to eat. He always went to church every Sunday. He always had time for everyone but me. He fell and had
a blood clot on his brain. He came to my house when he could no
longer keep up with his finances or take his medicine. He had brain surgery and since the he has demenia. Everyday of my life he says the same thing EXACTLY!!! You can not get him to stop. I am sick and my blood pressure
Is 80/50 when I get up. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and some days
I can hardly move. Stress makes both of these conditions worsen.
He demenia is so bad he doesn't realize what he's doing. He does not qualify for Medicade because he can walk, eat, use the bathroom on his on. He can not be alone. Does anyone have any answers for me? TN must be the worst state ever for elderly care!
Have you considered moving into your own place that would be near them? I just moved my Mom to live near us about 4 years ago. We live a minute away from each other but have our own places. I have also hired a paid caregiver who comes in twice a week. It really gives us a moment of respite.
I cannot tell you how emotionally draining this job is....I am sure at one point I will find it rewarding as well. But for now I am just tired and have no life of my own.
I don't want to discourage you from doing this noble thing...just wanted to share my reality.
good luck to you....let us know how things turn out...and come here often. There are so many people here that are willing to share their knowledge.
Lilli