My ex and I are on reasonably good terms and speak often. He is sole caretaker for his mother (just turned 100 in May) who is in a retirement home and has been for years. It is the best alternative for him financially but he has to go over there 3 times a day and bring her meals from the dining room to her room and set them up. She has an aide who comes in twice a week to bathe her but he does everything else for her. Runs her to eye doctor, PCP and labs- everything.
Ever since he and I met in 1968 I knew that his mother was a self-centered shrew who was capable of fooling everyone (at least for a while) but I never put up with her crap. She does nothing but give her son grief constantly and he takes it, but I can see the toll it is taking on him.
Recently she got a new aide for the baths and they were talking. At one point the aide said "What would your son do?" and his mom replied "Probably kick me." Now this aide is making it a point to knock and immediately burst in when my ex is there with his mom. She starts all this phoney hugging and schmoozing, "Just want to see how you are, sweetie!"
My ex is afraid that he could be slammed for elder abuse. What would happen in such a case? Who would take care of her; I certainly wouldn't as I have to care for my own mom.
Regardless - mom yelled at me “I’m gonna turn you in for elder abuse!” To which I replied “Great! I’m sure I’ll be barred from seeing you while they investigate- I could use a break. But tell me, which one if your sons is gonna step in and take care of you in the mean time?”
That was the end of that and she never made the threat again.
I would also request that she not barge in while he is visiting. If he pays out of pocket for her, then he needs to tell her he is her boss and he won't tolerate her actions.
The aide is being very unprofessional. She has no proof of abuse. When your ex visits, the door should be left OPEN AT ALL TIMES. If possible, Mom needs to understand that if she makes accusations, even false ones, they will be investigated. Her little handmaiden will be barred from visiting and then where will she be? Your ex needs to go to the RN on duty at report the actions of the aide. Unless the aide has been “planted” by APS she is waaay overstepping her boundaries. He can also call a Care Confernce and Lay down the Law.
There is no resident doctor as this is technically a "retirement village" rather than nursing home-it is less costly and there is limited means. So trays are not brought unless it is paid for separately...at $25 a day! So the ex goes three times a day, plus he needs to monitor her meds for her.
X-MIL never was good at understanding others or any kind of empathy so it is useless to try and explain to her. I have been giving him little tips about things that I find on this site and hopefully he gets some relief.
My dad did stuff like that and I was fortunate that his aides were mature enough to see how I treated him and knew it was him, not reality.
Maybe one week without his care will show her how much she is risking for her own self as others don't seem to matter to her.
Encourage him to get some respite, he could die before her and then what happens?