Question for full-time live-in caregivers- how do you commit?

We moved our father into our guest home 5 years ago. He was diagnosed with dementia. I thought it would be better to have him close by. I would check on him when I could and eventually when he needed more help he would move into a care home. Sounds easy right? My sister is intent on keeping our father out of a nursing home and expects me to care for him even though I severe health problems. I tried to reason with her, saying i believe most people can no longer live safely at home in the end. She’s not worried about safety only his happiness. My father does not recognize he has dementia and says he will only move into a home if he becomes bedridden. Yet I worry about his safety everyday. I’m getting sicker from all of the stress. I finally had to block my sisters calls. I only wish I had read about stories like these before we move our parents in with us.

Have you actually got your mother's agreement to this idea? - you say she has always been clear that she wants to remain in her own home. I see nothing about her ever saying she'd like you to join her there.

If your mom is willing to let you give up your family and your life to care for her—especially where she has the money to make other arrangements—that is something you need to think about. And why you would even consider it is another thing to look at.
I took my 93 yo mom out of an ALF at the start of covid and after a hospitalization and brought her to live with me. This is temporary until she can get vaccinated and safely return. That day is getting closer but some days I don’t know if I’ll make it.
Your mom needs a longterm solution. The truth is we all want our loved ones to be more able. But that will not happen. My mom has declined in the 9 months she’s been with me. If she were still in the ALF, I’d blame that. But it’s just the way it is. Time does not stand still. And it won’t stand still for you, your husband and children, either. You cannot fix this situation for your mother by sacrificing yourself and your family. And that your mother would allow it is very worrying.

Live-in help can work out well if you hire privately. Don't use an agency, and make sure you hire two caregiver. One for during the week and one for week-ends. This way works out the best because no one can do it seven days a week. I've known people who hired two and they each worked half the week. That can work too.
Don't leave your own family to care for an elder by moving in. That will not be a good situation for you or your family.

My family comes with me I’m a package deal. My mother resides in my home and is handicapped and dementia. It’s hard but no way would I consider giving up my family. She has to give up and sacrifice for the care or she has to go to a nursing home , assistant living or have home health care. Neither one of you girls should have to leave your families. But if this is the Avenue you take trust me it does get harder w time. It’s so hard to decide what to do with a parent. They raised and loved us. So I feel that loyalty to my mom. But it’s very hard at times

Talk to mom to let her know it is becoming more difficult.

If she has money, hire someone to do the things (plus a little more time) to handle things she needs. If no money, talk to her about using her income to move into assisted living or a nursing facility where people can help her 24/7. She may have no desire to live with either of you, nor disrupting your lives by having either of you move in w/her.

If living between the two of you is an option, from your/sibling's perspective, then tell her that. You want her there because it's getting to hard, and not so safe, to stay home alone anymore. She may agree to it now. You/sis could rotate this arrangement while her mind is still good.

You don’t want to leave your husband. You want to care for your mom. You feel stuck in the middle.

If you moved into mom’s home, how long will it be before you resent being at your mom’s house?

How long will it take before your husband resents your decision to move into your mother’s home? Would he go with you?

Would you want someone caring for you knowing that they are resentful?

I couldn’t ask my children to care for me. I don’t want to burden them. I would rather others care for me.

If your heart isn’t in it, you can’t do it. It’s hard enough for people who want to care for their parents full time.

My mom lived with us because she wasn’t able to live alone.

Mom absolutely hated being a burden on us, but was fearful of living in a facility too.

It’s hard on them and hard on us, tough all around.

Would I do it again? Mom lost her home in Hurricane Katrina. She did not have money to last in assisted living and I could not have even looked at nursing homes in the midst of the aftermath of a major catastrophic storm!

So she would have at least have had to be with me temporarily. I would not be a full time caregiver for as long as I did (15 years) if I could do it over.

Daughter1930’s father was a wise man! In our case it absolutely changed the dynamics of our relationship.

I am not telling you what to do. That is your decision. You asked for our stories and I shared mine with you.

I wish you all the best and truly hope you find what is best for you.

Do not even consider it. If you move forward there will be no turning back and only end up creating more havoc. I get wanting to care for parents but we made it to the point it was actually doing more harm than good.

Also, as your mom declines, she is going to need more help than you can provide. And you don't know how long you are going to need to be away, whether it's months or years. Don't sacrafice your family.

I know you are worried about mom. Sometimes, they make decisions that hurt them. And we pick up the pieces, enabling them to do what they want, while we pay for it.
No scenario is pleasant, whether it's leaving family for them, or letting an emergency happen before they get the care they need.
Its difficult either way.

The ideal would be for them to willingly get a professional caregiver. But sadly, they choose not to.

Big hug

Do not leave your home. Your first priority is your husband and children. You're right - leaving them does NOT compute. Don't do it.

Your mom is going to need more help than you and your sister can give her remotely. Sounds like she needs some assistance. Could hire a part-time caregiver to do a few things for/with her. When that is not enough, she will at some point need more in home care or will need to go to a nursing home. Of course she wants to live alone and stay in her home. No one wants to live in a nursing home. Yuck. BUT at some point it often becomes a NECESSITY, whether anyone like the idea or not. Safety is the priority.

My mom has lived with me for 5 years and it's put a HUGE strain on our relationship. If I could go back in time, I NEVER would have done it and will NEVER do it to my children.

I don’t understand why you would even consider forfeiting your marriage for your mother? Why you might think that her wants trump everything else in life?do you feel obligated to put her before not just your husband & children/grandchildren but also yourself? If you move in, her health care and her needs (and wants) become your entire life. Your life will consist of you running in circles to ensure her needs and wants are met. If she can no longer live alone, it’s her decision not to move in with her children. But she’s going to have to either hire caregivers or move to assisted living. Her life decisions don’t obligate you or your sister to give up your lives & move
in with her. And I agree with alva and Joann—if she is not cooperative, you will have to wait for an emergency to happen & use it as your avenue to move her to assisted living or long term care.

It's hard to chose between parent and spouse and children. All are important.

There are ways to help mom without leaving your family. Like assisted living. She can have the care she needs. And you can stay with your family who needs you.

Find a place that has good care, and activities, and nice and clean.

Wish you the best

Mom needs to make the decision to go to an AL if she can afford it. Its now what she needs not what she wants. She needs to see how her needs are effecting you and your sister. I understand wanting to stay in her home but it no longer is possible. She needs 24/7 care and you should not have to give up your family to do it.

Like Alva says you may have to wait until something happens. She winds up in the Hospital, the rehab. Then u have her evaluated. If 24/7 care is recommended then the choice is made for her, an AL or LTC.

I was a nurse. I knew all my life I could never be a 24/7 caregiver. There is a world of difference in caring for elders for 8 hours, and taking great joy in that job, and in trying to do it 24/7. That is aside from the fact your would be leaving your family.
The time may be here that Mom needs to be placed in care. If she is competent still in her own decisions, however, you cannot make that decision for her. It will be made when the inevitable happens, an accident, a fracture, something which WILL come. If Mom has some dementia it is already dangerous for her to be on her own, and if there is no POA in place, guardianship will be needed for placement.
I am so sorry. The truth is that your Mom is 95. Today it is not unusual for some elders to make it to 100, and we have a person on Forum who has a relative living at 107. Will you give up the family who needs you? I hope not. I am so sorry for how tough this decision is. I am thankful you have a sister and the two of you are so supportive of Mom and of one another. I wouldn't continue to see "moving in with Mom" as an option, and wonder what your own family currently says about that idea?

My father had a firm rule of his own making, that no adult child could live with him and he would not live with any of us. He said he’d seen it ruin too many relationships. I remain thankful for his wisdom. You don’t have to read here on AC forum long to know the moving in has been a huge mistake for so many. It alters most all relationships for the worse. I hope you explore other alternatives