Hi everyone! So I’ve been having a terrible week. Well, year really but who isn’t right now. Anyways, I was adopted by my best friends family at 14, and as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized I’ve endured a lot of emotional abuse because they are narcissists. I have been the scapegoat child for some time now and things have never been even close to fair. I won’t get into examples, but I essentially told my mom how I felt and how hurt my feelings were about a specific instance of me setting healthy boundaries and her not allowing it. She freaked out and hasn’t responded or spoken to me in a month now. (Usually if I ever bring up something that hurts my feelings that is a big deal, she turns to the good ol” you’re ungrateful for what we have done for you, or I can never do anything right by you, insert any other stonewalling, guilt tripping, or gaslighting tactics). My sister then contacted me via text, (we haven’t been close for years because she’s been mean to me and abusive as well), and she wrote out this long message calling me out on my actions of not choosing to come home and spend time with them among other things. I then decided I’m not going to roll over like I always do, and I texted her back and let her know I’m confused where this is coming from since we haven’t spoken in a year, she’s been mean to me the rest, and this really isn’t her fight per se...
Needless to say, I am anxious over all of this drama, plus anxious over keeping my stressful job (metric based), in these tough times...stuff just feels heavy and I feel alone. I ended up forgetting to call my biological grandpa on his birthday. I of course never meant to do that, but it happened and I feel terrible. My bio grandma knows I’m going through a rough time emotionally, but she sent me some realllllllly nasty messages last night. I kept apologizing and wrote some heartfelt messages trying to express how sorry I was, but she kept digging and literally trying to hurt me by calling me pitiful, selfish, etc. I am wondering if I deserve this? Is this a normal reaction? Not sure if I am just taking it really badly because I am already emotionally exhausted and feeling like I can’t do anything right or what. Thank you for reading
Happy Birthday to everyone I know for the next 12 months!!
I forget birthdays, anniversaries, deaths -
And I forgive myself and so should you
sick of people trying to find grudges!!
your Grandma should have sent out a heads up a few days prior saying
hey it’s Granpas. Birthday coming up-he’d love to hear from you!! Love Grandma!
Dont waste another minute feeling bad!!! She wants to be in a superior position
you have apologized
sorry you had to go through that
i forgot way worse than you!! And I know my heart is in the right place
she sounds like she was ready to pounce and did
i would have given a heads up if her intention was to make Granpas day
Yes, "JoAnn29" pretty much hit the nail on the head. I too, had recommended the book "Boundaries..." on another thread and I used it for the first time in my life with my half-sister who was 15 years older than myself. I never lived with her but, I still had to deal with her throughout my childhood and into adulthood...until I turned 38. Not only do they not change, they can't change and they don't think there is anything wrong with them that even needs changing. There is no such thing as having a healthy, rational discussion with them and you can't reason with them either. They thrive on seeing you hurt, cry, defend yourself - that is their fuel. These people are empty vessels and they use their prey to feed off of. Think of it like your car. You start with a full tank of gas but eventually you will run out. Your car can't and won't function without gas and therefore you must refuel your car. To them you are the "fuel" only problem is their tank even when filled, has a hole in it so they run out quickly and need to be constantly refueled. They will NEVER, EVER see your side of anything. You are still young enough to make significant changes in your life so that you don't have even more regrets than you may already have. The only way out and this is hard - is to have NO CONTACT -- ZERO, NADA, NOTHING! You will never, ever win with these people - not that you are trying to win but, they want to win - it means everything to them. They are a bottomless pit and they will drag you right down with them if you let them. The longer you allow it, the more trauma you will eventually find yourself dealing with. These personality types do not like people like you, in fact it's for that very reason you became a target - out of envy on their part. If you are kind, loving, caring and show any type of human compassion or empathy - it drives them crazy because they can't exhibit nor do they even have any of those traits. They will always try to "suck you back in" - they may even try to attempt a "fake" apology at some point but, they never mean it and before you know it you are back to square one with them. They seek to destroy their prey and that's all you are to them - prey - and they are the predators. This is a disorder for them and even therapists can be fooled by them. They are very manipulative and often "mirror" the person they are trying to have some sort of toxic relationship with. Also, they hate boundaries - they themselves usually don't have any but, they won't accept any boundary that you may attempt to put up. I would actually recommend the book "Safe People... Avoid those that Aren't" it is also written by the authors of "Boundaries" Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.
I have seen people who keep these types in their lives for 30, 40, 50 years. When they finally realize that they were truly being emotionally, psychologically and sometimes even physically abused they experience PTSD, trauma bonding and more. Please don't let that be YOU! Start a new life - without them!
You are spot on!!
From what I have learned from this group, you can not change a Narcissist. Its how they are wired. The are self-centered and have no empathy. They don't realize how what they say hurts others. Its just me, me, me. They aren't the problem and don't feel they need the therapy, you do.
I think there is a personality that a narcissist targets. Usually someone who is easy going, doesn't like confrontation, sensitive to others. Tries to please. I will bet if u look back on your relationship with GF/sister, you always gave in to her. Maybe she put you down in certain ways so u tried to do better. Narcissists breed narcissists. Some of their children walk away knowing who their parent is but there is always one, that feels they should help. Then find the abuse goes on and on.
There is a book that members have recommended called "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend." In my opinion, the best thing you can do is back off. If you don't, you will find later in life you will be the one expected to do for them and by then u will have endured years of abuse. You are lucky you weren't adopted as a baby. You would have been so conditioned by now. You see how the last 10 years have been, do you want the next 50 like that? You need to learn to set Boundries. One of them may be just walking away and not looking back. You r not their punching bag.
Why weren't you raised by ur grandparents. Not sure why your Grandmom reacted the way she did. Everyone forgets especially now when the days just seem to run together. Has she always been like this, or something new caused by COVID?
to answer your question, my grandparents couldn’t take me in because they lived in a community that did not allow children. My grandma has always been really strict and kind of mean, but lately she has been excessively so. I think it’s because she’s a lot younger than my grandpa and has to take care of him as he is declining. I know that has to be hard. Also, she has never had kids of her own so she doesn’t really have a lot of patience.
I mean, for example, we can all jump in intending to be supportive and say "oh no, definitely not your fault, evil adoptive family, wicked sadistic bio-grandma" etc etc. But since we haven't the first idea of what happened or how everyone relates to everyone else, what possible worth can our opinion have? We'd just be echoes, wouldn't we, and that is of no use whatsoever to you. You might as well ask the cat.
I see from your profile page that you're already working with a therapist - isn't this something you'd best share with him/her?
No one deserves it. I often wondered if I’m biologically related to my family. I’ve been treated similarly as you. When I address it, I get the “why are you always like this”, “you have a problem” recently, “you make things up”. Meanwhile I’m the only one helping Mother and I’m a horrible person and the sister has cut me off. My mother actually defends her! Her behavior (sister) is acceptable my hurt feelings are not!
There are two sides to every story, but you wouldn’t be having these feelings if there wasn’t a reason. This site has been so helpful and if nothing else makes you realize you are not alone. Set up your boundaries and stick to them, they are yours and do not need to defended. Do it for you! 😊 Good luck, we both are between a rock and hard place.