In 2013 my husband had major heart surgery where they removed the sac around his heart. He spent six weeks in bed. They tried & tried to give him PT but he refused. Now he’s just a lump that sits all day & makes demands of me. Because of a cane, he has now destroyed his shoulders & it’s to late for surgery.
After talking in length to my stepson I found this is not new for my husband. He’s been acting like this for 50 years! Every time he’d get injured or sick he played the “poor me” card & milked it as long as he could!
I have to do EVERYTHING & he is continually pulling me away from what I’m doing to refill his coke or get him something from the kitchen.
I have disabilities of my own (my back is completely destroyed & you can actually hear my bones crack) & I’m not a young woman anymore. I’m full of resentment & bitterness that I just can’t get under control.
I don’t have any friends, haven’t been to church in 18 months, don’t have time to pray or read my Bible, and my family all live a very long way away & don’t have time to listen to me! And I really don’t care to talk to them & just complain.
I’m one hot mess!!!
It's time to sit down with your husband (and get his son involved if willing to help point out the history) and tell him everything you said here. If he tries to argue or throw up roadblocks, just reply with 'that maybe, however'...and continue with your conversation. No arguing and don't engage with his roadblock comments...simply 'that may be, however'.
Give him your expectations that he needs to begin physical therapy and start getting out of the chair, you are no longer going to just watch him wither away if there is something he can do to be stronger. Explain that you will no longer stop what you are doing for a soda - it will need to be an emergency or some type of urgent issue for you to return to the room. Talk to his dr in advance and ask if physical therapy can be ordered as in-home care or possibly a rehab facility to get him up and moving again - this way you can offer this during the conversation of something to help him get up and exercising. Even if dr won't order it, it would be worth the $ to ask for a private pay physical therapist to come in and get him going on exercises he can do and come back periodically to increase the activities. Lay it all out of the table for him and let him know the decision is his to do more for himself or you will help him find a facility appropriate for his care because you cannot physically take care of his every whim when there are certain things he can do for himself.
Maybe a little forced motivation will help him.
If you step and fetch, if you drop what you are doing at his call then you are the only one that can stop this. Make him wait for his coke.
I would also encourage you to ask his doctor for some antidepressants. Heart procedures can cause depression and it needs to be treated. Maybe getting him in a position to feel better will get him to want to participate in life.
Good luck, this is a tough situation to get out of after so much time.
Get ear plugs, maybe use them during the day when you are busy and don't want to be pulled off what you are doing, then you could honestly say you didn't hear him, no need to say because you had ear plugs in.
I'm a Christian and occasionally (weekly!!), I say or do things that are really mean and spiteful to my ill husband. He diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer in 2013. I am lucky he is still here with me, in that he is physically still here, but mentally, verbally and physically he's been in a steady decline. It's so hard to watch and sometimes I feel guilty for being angry with his lack of interest in anything, but his diagnosis was death within weeks in 2013. What a great example I am to my sons (NOT), and yet, honoring our spouse is the REAL example we're setting and I think it means alot. Cry out to God about your feelings, your pain and with His help, create some healthy boundaries that make you less of a doormat.
{{HUGS}}
If church was a good social experience for you, go one day this week. It doesn’t sound as if he’s in any danger being left alone for a couple of hours. It might do you good, and online support is a poor substitute for being in the same room with your fellow human beings.
So sorry Kickingranny, for your suffering & frustration.
Please devise a plan 4 urself, make a few small changes at first, (to get out of this rut)!
Dont discuss ur ideas with hubby cuz that will discourage you.
Just go shopping or for a walk in a park, or maybe to a movie.
Husb can tolerate u being gone for 2-3 hrs can't he? Also agree that church wud be a great start! God bless.
There is nothing sadder than someone who plays the sad poor-me card and milks everyone for help.
The two things that stand out to me in your post and comments:
1) "After talking in length to my stepson I found this is not new for my husband. He’s been acting like this for 50 years! Every time he’d get injured or sick he played the “poor me” card & milked it as long as he could!"
2) "...I got back home I found out nobody came to help."
Okay. So, from #1 you found out this is who he is and has been. Accepting that is one thing. Feeding it is another. NOT feeding it wouldn't be unchristian, at least not for me.
You can still love someone without bowing to their every demand! It might take time to "untrain" yourself, but when he says jump, you should not immediately be asking 'how high.' More like replying 'Say what?' Unless it was a dire emergency, I wouldn't do whatever it is he is asking/demanding unless you happen to be going anywhere near he is sitting like a lump (but ensure it is NOT immediately - make him wait!) Even then I might "forget" to do/bring whatever when I happened to wander over to where he was and just say oops, forgot you asked for that if he asks again.
#2 - The fact that he 'survived' TWO weeks with no one looking after him, it sounds like he is more than capable.
I would go about my own day and let him fend for himself. He is NOT an invalid. Go for a walk every day. Enjoy the world. Find another church that you like and go, maybe even multiple times/week (and wear those jeans and T-shirts, you are not there to get rated!) Volunteer somewhere, join a gym (maybe free if you have a Medicare Advantage plan), or go places where you can meet others/participate in activities.
MAKE a life for yourself and let him learn that you are not his servant OR slave (at this point it sounds more like a slave.) Get yourself OUT of the house so he can't demand anything from you, you won't be tempted to capitulate and he can figure out he will have to either go hungry/thirsty for a while or do for himself. This is more than just enabling!
It isn't easy to undo a lifetime of learning to care for and help others when they need it, but when people take advantage of that help, it is time to put a stop to it. It may sound cruel, but if he managed to get through those two weeks without you or anyone "helping", he can learn to get his ass up and get whatever it is he wants/needs himself. You are not doing him or yourself any favors by 'catering' to his every demand.
Abusers isolate their victims, wear them down and use whatever they can to emotionally blackmail and browbeat them. It can be money, religion or anything. Perhaps your husband is using your beliefs to abuse you. You haven't been to church in 18 months. That's isolation. I suggest you start going to church once a week and leave your husband to fend for himself during that time. Try to build a support network for yourself in the church community (your husband may not want this).
It sounds like he isn't as helpless as he wants you to think he is. Remember God helps those who help themselves - your husband should help himself get up and get around. Also you - help yourself to get back to church and into a community.
Religious belief is supposed to be a support, not a guilt trip trapping you into enduring abusive behaviour. There is a time when you should no longer turn the other cheek. You are not a punchbag or a slave - oh, didn't God lead people OUT of slavery in the bible?
This man treating his wife poorly has nothing to do with God, it is not scriptural in the least, he needs to MAN up and treat his wife like a queen, that is scriptural.
If possible, hold the yelling. I understand the frustration which leads to this, but when you start feeling frustrated, walk away before it degrades into yelling. Just doing that when he demands something will eventually get the point across without raising your BP and anger! I used to vent my frustration with brothers (alone in my own home), and finally realized that NONE of this impacts them, only me. In my case, I spewed everything into emails intended for each one, but never sent them (it would be pointless, as they don't get it!)