My mom is 102 years old. Her wish was that she would never end up in a nursing home and would never be incontinent, experience dementia and be so helpless. I love her so much but I want her to find peace. I am guilt-ridden and despise myself for wanting her to pass. I know she has to but when I hold her hand, I don't want her to go. Please help, I love her so much and this pain has been going on for over a year. What do I do?
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/Why-you-secretly-want-elderly-parent-to-die-139321.htm
When he passed, I was sad but at the same time relieved.. and then felt guilty for my relief.
Mom lives with me at age 84 with some pretty good health problems but nothing terminal. She was always a mostly evil person with glimmers of good. Now she is mostly a shell of a person with some ugly and some nice coming through.
I don't know why she is still here. She doesn't know what is going on half the time. She doesn't want to leave the house. Has no interest or hobbies (except napping - boy does she love napping), she has lost her taste for food, can barely hold a conversation and when she does, no one wants to talk to her because she is mean.
I tiptoe into her room every morning to check and see if she is breathing. I'll be honest: most days I am rooting for "not"
Most residents are doing the best possible given the depressing and lonely environment. As my spouse says, "you're my only link to reality".
There is nothing wrong with you feeling as you do. I think about quality of life and ask myself is this what I would want for anyone, including myself someday? I think we would be mentally lopsided to not ask ourselves if it's better to be alive or deceased. When my spouse was admitted to the snf I had a good conversation with a manager about this issue. She too said it was natural to feel both ways, and none of the nursing home staff want to end up this way. She then said she would not be happy. She cautioned me both my spouse and I would someday ask "Why do I feel this way?" So you are not alone in feeling as you do. If your mom gave you any instructions as to when to let her go (as my mom did) there can be a certain comfort in knowing that you are following her wishes. Put yourself in her position and ask if that's what you want for yourself. Most of us say we want to kept comfortable, not be deserted, and not be in pain. If you are doing your best to achieve these outcomes then you're doing your job. You're being all you can be to your mom. I talk to my friends and others about this very issue from time to time. You might be surprised at how many feel as you do - both older and younger people. Keep us posted on how you're doing.
The guilt is normal, but it's YOUR guilt, mom probably wants to go. I cannot imagine living that long. I think you feel guilty for her pain, or for not being able to make her life better now. I doubt it's over hoping she can pass. The time we spend watching a loved one "die" whether it be hours, days, weeks, years, can be so sad. Our emotions get all confused.
You just keep on loving your mom. As someone who fervently believes in a beautiful, pain free afterlife, death is but a simple walking through a door. I feel my dad's spirit with me often. I hope you can find peace.
Don't feel guilty that you wish a swift and dignified end to your mom's long life. Be there for her, hold her hand so she knows you are there and love her. When her suffering ends after a while, the memories of the recent past will be overridden by the memories of when times were good and happy with your mom.
At 102 your Mom had beaten the odds by many many years, and all the wonderful things she had witnessed throughout her life that were invented. That's a full life and then some.
Your Mom is on her own time table, just be there for her without it consuming your life. She is getting good care at the nursing home because you know she needed a higher level of care.
I felt the same with my Mom who was 98 when she passed, and had been living in long-term-care. Only months earlier she and my Dad were outside raking leaves and putting the leaves in recycling bags. Only a few years earlier, she and Dad were walking 2 miles a day. Mom was pretty sharp for her age until she had a very serious fall. But to see her just lying in bed, unable to hear, barely see, not be able to walk or even stand was heart breaking. Her mind was so very confused.
This was equally as heartbreaking for my Dad to see the love of his life in that condition. Dad's caregiver would bring him to visit Mom during lunch hour, that way the caregiver could help feed Mom. Dad would only stay a half hour, he wanted to go home. He also was resentful as he wanted to move to a nice senior living facility but Mom refused. He felt they could have enjoyed a couple more years together had they moved. Dad joined Mom a couple of months ago.
My own wife has been a stroke victim since early 2005...she is in a nursing home for many years now..I visit daily and hire paid ladies to sit with her at the dinner hour seven days a week...She is paralyzed and cannot speak...I do wish that she could sleep away as her quality of life is so limited. I do not feel guilty..
God bless you.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
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