My father is 90-years-old lives at home with my 81-year-old mother who’s has late stage dementia. My sister,brother and I are taking care of them. My mother refuses to take any medications that she needs and becomes very combative and verbal (lots of cussing). My siblings and I have tried to get dad to place mom in a memory care home, he is refusing saying that he married for better or for worse and is worried she might not get the care she needs there. We have also suggested in home care, but he doesn’t say much about that either. My father does not help with the care for mom. He can barely get around himself. I don’t know what to do. Any suggestions please?
I would imagine that you and your siblings are spending way too much time taking care of your parents and keeping their house running, etc. It's time to bring in hired help (on your parent's dime) and get some relief from the never ending things that need to be done. Sorry, but too bad if he doesn't like it. You all need to get on the same page and cut back. Say that you are tired and burnt out, etc. I'd get a cleaning lady and someone to do errands and cook a few meals.
Check out MC, agree with siblings about the best choice and bring dad the paperwork. Some places have waiting lists so at least get her on the list. Then when they call to say a bed is available, you might be able to get him to go for it. Is your dad competent?
Such a tough situation. Sorry that you are dealing with this.
1. Keep following Dad's 'plan' - until a crises or burnout forces change
2. Take over
3. Step back & let natural consequences happen (aka let the chips fall).
"he married for better or for worse and is worried she might not get the care she needs there".
Dad is caring. A loyal husband. His worries are valid.
Yet he lacks planning ability.
A tsunami is approaching & yet he is ..what? Sitting with his head in the sand.
He will be calling you surrendering .
Your Dad is not going to hire help or place your mother so long as his children are enabling , propping them up . As far as your Dad is concerned it’s working the way it is because you guys are doing the caregiving . BACK OFF . Stop helping . Let them fail being on their own , so Dad has to give in .
Like the others said. You may have to resort to calling APS if Dad does not give in. And if/when one or both end up in the hospital , talk to the social worker about Mom ( and possibly Dad ) needing placement.
By participating you are enabling.
Give Dad the phone numbers he needs for emergencies and for contacts and stay out of it.
Let him know you are doing so in order that they understand they are endangering themselves in this choice.
Eventually, no matter what you do, this will come to a head and burst. Dad will fall ill or even die. So be ready for that. Mom will end in hospital. If that happens call in Social Services and social workers at once.
Consider calling APS telling them you are helpless in this, cannot manage your parents' choice in this, and would request their opening a case and intervening.
You may need state intervention and APS may be the first step to that.
Stop doing everything for them, force the issue, call APS if he doesn't concede to at least her into MC.
It is time to take a stand before something terrible happens.
Don’t worry about the other meds, IMHO. If not taking them causes her to fail sooner, call it a blessing. This is a stage of her dementia and will hopefully pass as another behavior takes over.
You are going to have to stand up to your father if you want to change anything. Some families just can’t do it. You may have to share the pudding.
Who pays dad’s bills? Does he have everything on autopay or do one of you look after that? Buy his groceries, etc? Is he checking receipts and giving change or is your name on the bank account as well? Just wondering how trustful he is of your help. Does he still drive?
Personally what I did was add layers of help as long as I could and it took care of things. What I saw my DH family do with his parents was not much as they would not go against the dad even though he also had dementia. A natural disaster took care of things in the end. Life does happen all around us and things move along.
After you move mom, dad will have lost his purpose and will be right behind her in needing more help. I’m assuming he might be pretty good on his ADLs for now but perhaps no one is paying much attention to him with mom being center stage. He is also benefiting from your care. He is living a stressful life with moms condition, just as you are. You move mom and you will have two places to manage care. But it may be worth it.
I would immediately hire a housekeeper who would also provide light meals. Tell dad they are helping you.
Stand back from hands on care. Hospice or home health can come in and bath and give some guidance. Increase the calming meds as needed. Something will happen and you will be able to take action. If any hospitalizations of either, be ready to say “Not a Safe Discharge” to being discharged to home.
Filing for guardianship will grease the wheels but will not keep you from having to deal with dad. I’m sorry. I know it is beyond difficult.
I am in favor of what Barb has suggested to you.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
Consider having mom taking to the hospital by EMS next time she has a fall/outburst/spell and inform the social workers that there isn't adequate care at home.
Dad will fight you on guardianship, won't he?
If you stopped how would he manage? Probably wouldn't. If he thinks he is "independent" now maybe you and your siblings should cut in half the amount that you are doing for them. He might then get an idea that he/they are not independent.
Rather than just placing mom in Memory Care how about looking for Assisted Living for BOTH of them.
He would have help with her, he would have help for himself and you and your siblings will not be doing all the work.