What would be fair rent when sharing a rental with my mother-in-law and husband.
She only puts dishes in the dishwasher on occasion, does some of her laundry, and dusts her bedroom. The cooking, yard and home are cared for by her son and myself.
You are not there to care for Mom. He brought her into ur home, he takes care if her. She is 87 and is slowing down. I would have her do as much as she can for herself. If she can do her own wash, then she does her own wash. She keeps her room neat and clean. And you, do you do too much cleaning wise? I maintain. I use Swifer products. Their dry mops and dusters are great. I have arthritis in my lower back so rarely use the heavier vacumn. I have a lightweight one that does pretty good. I would not be helping DH in the yard if he expects me to be there for Mom. If she can get up and get herself a glass of water, then she does it,
I so wish you could just pick up and leave. The one thing going for you, with your back there is no doing for Mom if she worsens. She will have to pay someone to care for her. I would make this very clear to both of them. You would be cooking for two anyway, is one more that much work? She can get her own breakfast and lunch. You explain, he is her son, your not her daughter. Your wedding vows said nothing about caring for a MIL. If anything, it says the wife becomes #1.
It’s now clear that MIL and her financial contribution are not the biggest issues here. However DH may be “telling you to leave if you don't like it”, but this may not be what he expects. Bring things to a head by stopping waiting on MIL hand and foot. Stop cooking for her, stop doing her washing etc. Ask her to leave the common rooms at a reasonable hour, like 10 pm, so that you can enjoy the place you are renting without her being present all the time (and offer her some time on her own to make it fair). Then shout! Stop cooking for DH if that works too. If you are doing the shopping, ‘over-spend’ by putting funds into an account in your name, to give you something just in case you do leave. And if you and DH have a joint account, take your half out of it BEFORE things get really bad – you don’t want him to clean it out first.
It would be a good idea to think carefully about whether you would be happy to stay with DH if things go better with/without MIL. Or whether what you really want to do is split!
If sonny has a man cave, where's YOUR She Shed?? I truly hate to hear what he's putting you thru catering to his mommy like this and telling you to leave if you don't like It! What kind of husband says such a thing?? You should go stay with a friend for 2 weeks and then DH will have to come out of his man cave to entertain mother and cook and clean, etc. That should wake him up to the reality of what life w/o you would look like.
Ain't no amount of rent enough to put up with THIS, imo.
I’d suggest you split this between ‘rent’ and ‘care’. She pays a third of the ‘rent’ bucket including utilities. There is a separate ‘care’ payment ’ for “cooking, yard and home” which “are cared for by her son and myself”. You can work the ‘care’ component on an hourly rate plus costs (eg special food). Some things may also be a third (like cleaning the common parts you also use), but there is something on top of the basic rent and utilities. 'Rent' doesn't include hotel-type services.
Don't do it! It will get worse and worse and worse. The arrangement may cause problems between you and your husband, you'll have no privacy, and you'll want to tear your hair out after a month. And maybe MIL's hair too.
Sometimes in life we need to tell others, "Stop! You're not doing that to me" (or us, or yourselves, or the world in general). Whatever rescue mission you're on, it's not worth it. They will not appreciate what you're doing, and you'll all end up hating each other.
Read some of the posts on here about generations sharing homes. Then read them to your husband. Then drop the idea.
Our marriage is not doing well. He keeps playing games with me, telling to leave if I don't like it. I tell him I am on the lease and going nowhere. Mama's dear, sweet boy can do no wrong. She won't even speak up when her tells me to leave, (wonder why, right?). I have read so much to him. He doesn't listen and blames everything on his mid-west upbringing. My dad was from the Midwest and would never move his mother in nor would he tell my mom to get out. There has been a lot of hate an animosity already. I have a great psychologist.
You should see an elder law attorney to work out a shared living expense contract. If you take payment in "shared living expenses" then it isn't taxed and she hasn't gifted you and has proof of that.
Think in these terms. Do you have a mortgage or is your home paid for? What are the taxes on your home? What upkeep costs do you have yearly? How much space is she renting from you. ie a room and shared kitchen? Do you take her to shop? Do you pay for her groceries? Does she cook for you or for herself or not at all? What are your utility bills.
Think then in terms of thirds. One third of Utility bills. Washes her own dishes her own clothes and cooks for self. Hourly fee to take her to appointments and mileage costs. Hourly fee to take her shopping. She buys her own personal supplies.
None of this is Rocket Science no matter how you work it out between yourselves. She is sort of paying rental. When a landlord asks rental money he takes into account care of grounds, taxes, what he supplies and what tenant does and so on.
Again, a good elder law attorney will help guide you and while there any documents for advance directive, POA for Health and for Financial can be checked up on and handled. If you do bookkeeping POA work you can take a fee also and attorney will tell you what that is for your state.
Good luck. Be certain that contract has checkup times. ie you will consider every 6 months whether this is working for ALL OF YOU, and if it doesn't work for one person, the deal is off and MIL finds her own housing.
No, it's not rocket science for sure but I just wanted opinions from others on what may be fair. My husband and I are permanently disabled and make only enough money to stay afloat. She makes about 5x a month more than us. We have nothing to spare for an elder law attorney and the two of them wouldn't go for it even if we were loaded.
This is a done deal so I am in counseling and her son is in his man cave as much as possible. She has been paying us rent for 3 months now, 1/3. 1/3 of all household expenses. She used to (her immaculate home, kept by herself)pick up a dust bunny off of a gnats butt as it flew out the door. Now, nothing but her bedroom. I do all of the vacuuming, mopping, dusting, bathroom, kitchen cleaning, etc. and share cooking and yard duties with her son. When it was decided that she was going to move in with us when the time came, she stated that she would pay more than 1/3 because we would be caring for her. The husband feels that she shouldn't have to pay more than 1/3. We rent a 3/1 right now, it's very small and we can practically hear each other breathe. We are looking for a 3/2 and that will cause the rent to double, or more. The husband initially said that she would be responsible for the difference but he no longer feels that way. I am sitting here with sciatica (or worse) having yelled once today due to the pain. Have had surgery on it once already. Her son has 2 bad shoulders, metal in 3/4 of his back and a knee that he knows needs to have a meniscus tear repair surgery. I cannot see how she should pay a 3rd while we wince in pain and do all of her shopping, bills, driving 2.5 hours to visit her sister, and it will only get worse.
If there are 3 people then the fair share would be 1/3 of all household expenses. Divide by the number of people. If you have yourself and your husband and 2 kids then 1/5 of all household expenses would be hers. I would get this set now before any move in together arrangement. If she has medical issues, dementia, mobility problems her care will increase. The question is will YOU be doing the caregiving or will your husband? Will she be able to pay for a caregiver? Schedule an appointment with an Elder Care Attorney.
Just read your profile...I guess the move has already been made. Better figure out who is going to do what AND what is your "line in the sand"..when can you no longer handle it, what will you not do, or what can't you do?
I so wish you could just pick up and leave. The one thing going for you, with your back there is no doing for Mom if she worsens. She will have to pay someone to care for her. I would make this very clear to both of them. You would be cooking for two anyway, is one more that much work? She can get her own breakfast and lunch. You explain, he is her son, your not her daughter. Your wedding vows said nothing about caring for a MIL. If anything, it says the wife becomes #1.
It would be a good idea to think carefully about whether you would be happy to stay with DH if things go better with/without MIL. Or whether what you really want to do is split!
Ain't no amount of rent enough to put up with THIS, imo.
Sometimes in life we need to tell others, "Stop! You're not doing that to me" (or us, or yourselves, or the world in general). Whatever rescue mission you're on, it's not worth it. They will not appreciate what you're doing, and you'll all end up hating each other.
Read some of the posts on here about generations sharing homes. Then read them to your husband. Then drop the idea.
I have read so much to him. He doesn't listen and blames everything on his mid-west upbringing. My dad was from the Midwest and would never move his mother in nor would he tell my mom to get out.
There has been a lot of hate an animosity already.
I have a great psychologist.
If you take payment in "shared living expenses" then it isn't taxed and she hasn't gifted you and has proof of that.
Think in these terms. Do you have a mortgage or is your home paid for?
What are the taxes on your home? What upkeep costs do you have yearly?
How much space is she renting from you. ie a room and shared kitchen?
Do you take her to shop?
Do you pay for her groceries?
Does she cook for you or for herself or not at all?
What are your utility bills.
Think then in terms of thirds. One third of Utility bills.
Washes her own dishes her own clothes and cooks for self.
Hourly fee to take her to appointments and mileage costs.
Hourly fee to take her shopping. She buys her own personal supplies.
None of this is Rocket Science no matter how you work it out between yourselves. She is sort of paying rental. When a landlord asks rental money he takes into account care of grounds, taxes, what he supplies and what tenant does and so on.
Again, a good elder law attorney will help guide you and while there any documents for advance directive, POA for Health and for Financial can be checked up on and handled.
If you do bookkeeping POA work you can take a fee also and attorney will tell you what that is for your state.
Good luck.
Be certain that contract has checkup times. ie you will consider every 6 months whether this is working for ALL OF YOU, and if it doesn't work for one person, the deal is off and MIL finds her own housing.
My husband and I are permanently disabled and make only enough money to stay afloat. She makes about 5x a month more than us.
We have nothing to spare for an elder law attorney and the two of them wouldn't go for it even if we were loaded.
You state in your profile that you’re not ready to live like this. Whose decision was it to move your mother in law into your home?
Is this a temporary thing or an open ended arrangement?
Does she have any health issues? Financial problems? What’s the deal? Do you have any ground rules in place regarding this arrangement?
I suppose that you can ask her for one third of the rent and utilities. Who pays for their groceries, pharmacy expenses, etc?
I hope this won’t be a forever situation for you. This has the potential to cause stress in your marriage and your overall wellbeing.
Even in good relationships it is hard to combine family members. With difficult relationships it can become intolerable.
Wishing you all the best.
She has been paying us rent for 3 months now, 1/3. 1/3 of all household expenses.
She used to (her immaculate home, kept by herself)pick up a dust bunny off of a gnats butt as it flew out the door. Now, nothing but her bedroom.
I do all of the vacuuming, mopping, dusting, bathroom, kitchen cleaning, etc. and share cooking and yard duties with her son.
When it was decided that she was going to move in with us when the time came, she stated that she would pay more than 1/3 because we would be caring for her. The husband feels that she shouldn't have to pay more than 1/3.
We rent a 3/1 right now, it's very small and we can practically hear each other breathe. We are looking for a 3/2 and that will cause the rent to double, or more. The husband initially said that she would be responsible for the difference but he no longer feels that way.
I am sitting here with sciatica (or worse) having yelled once today due to the pain. Have had surgery on it once already.
Her son has 2 bad shoulders, metal in 3/4 of his back and a knee that he knows needs to have a meniscus tear repair surgery.
I cannot see how she should pay a 3rd while we wince in pain and do all of her shopping, bills, driving 2.5 hours to visit her sister, and it will only get worse.
Divide by the number of people.
If you have yourself and your husband and 2 kids then 1/5 of all household expenses would be hers.
I would get this set now before any move in together arrangement. If she has medical issues, dementia, mobility problems her care will increase. The question is will YOU be doing the caregiving or will your husband? Will she be able to pay for a caregiver?
Schedule an appointment with an Elder Care Attorney.
Just read your profile...I guess the move has already been made. Better figure out who is going to do what AND what is your "line in the sand"..when can you no longer handle it, what will you not do, or what can't you do?