I am a caregiver to my 87-year-old mother in my home. She reported me for elder abuse. How do I deal with that?

I am just going to vent here - I am so tired of the self absorbed, narsicictic parent running over some of us with their constant demands, uncaring manner and self absorption. My mother is in a facility due to the fact that through her actions (and i won't explain) she put herself there. She will constantly taunt me with her grievences. her demands that make no sense, but are controlling none the less. I'm done with the excuses of dementia, etc. when this is on-going behavior forever sincee I was 12 years old. I have had to be the mother while my mother went on to have a decent life. It seems to be we have created a generation of self-indulgent elderly who demand just what they want and when they want it. I have three girls to still be a mother to they range in age 18 - 23. They are resentful of how my mother has always tried to manipulate me with "whatever" to get what she wants. The God I know and love and believe in wants me and my family to have a full life full of his graces. If my mother wants and tries to sabotage anything I have; I will protect it all with the fierceess of a lion protecting her cubs. My mother said when I had children that she was :DONE WITH BEING A GRANDPARENT - fine with me; I'm done with the drama, etc. Seems like there is a generation out there - post world war II vetereans and there families who feel entitled to demanding and ruining of the children's lives. Mfy mother through her actions has put herself in a nursing home. She blames everyone else for her problems. I refuse to ruin my family by stooping to her demands...She single handedly ruined my father's life and I loved him more than words could ever express. I feel we have to stop the controlling parent who makes there beds and should lay in it. I am done.

You go through the system, get "investigated" and learn that this is not uncommon. It's a (not useful, not practical) way for elders to seize some control over a dwindling universe and lack of autonomy in the ways they are used to: It must be someone's "fault." If they can be "rescued" they return to life as a 45 year old, or whatever.

Repeat this to yourself: it isn't personal. It's a oping mechanism. It isn't personal. And the APS people will see that when they come check things out. As for other family members, invite them in to see the situation.

My mother had bruises from medical procedures and told 2 nurses, a physical therapist and 2 doctors that I was abusing her. She thought it was cute and funny. Even after I explained how serious those allegations are taken and that it could cause me no end of trouble. She scoffed and acted like I was making a mountain out of a molehill. I called the social worker on HER and they did a home visit at my request. The doctors knew me and our situation and knew I was not abusing her. I never heard anymore about it. She was in assisted living within 2 months. She had lived with my husband and I for 4 and a half years and I took care of her and her husband for 4 years before that in their home. I still make sure she is well taken care of. Mostly from a distance. On a more positive note, I have been able to forgive her and find compassion for her. It has not been an easy journey but one I am glad to be making. I did not believe I would ever get to this point but thankfully I have. I let her know in no uncertain terms that I am not her emotional punching bag and that I will end the visit or not visit at all if she is ugly. Things have been much better since then. It's possible with a good therapist, understanding family and most of all, for me, God's Grace and Mercy. Still a work in progress but progress has been made. It's possible.

I had the abuse allegation also. My mother's health care provider prescribed her Xanax, tramadol, Norco, and remeron. She was an incoherent zombie and already sundowning without the drugs.
I talked to the healthcare provider and related the problem it was causing. Instead of re-evaluating her medication they sent two patrol cars out to check on her welfare.
They had no concern that she was up all night with these medications that would snow a horse or that she had been a drug seeker/hoarder since she was 50 yrs old. (Or that she refused to destroy her deceased husband's old medication. )
The officers thought she was well cared for and by no means neglected. They reported she was in no distress and had a clean living situation. Her appearance and good physical condition is because she ties up every waking minute of my time. ( I have not one minute she's now wanting something or complaining about a non existent problem.)
That was how the healthcare provider addressed to he problem. She is up all night and the breakers have to be turned off on the stove. Money, keys, medication has to be hidden. She requires 24/7 observation. She is combative much of the time and noncompliant with everything prescribed.
I worked as a psych RN for 40 years. Am still licensed and in good standing. My health problems forced me to retire. Still no one would listen.
I changed her health care providers because if this incident. I am consulting an elder law attorney now because I can't stay awake 24 hours a day and she has to go to a care home.
I would not wish putting her on anyone but they get paid for caring for her and there are three shifts to deal with her behavior.
I am glad I decided to do this. Sometimes u just have to say enough and move on. I have no guilt and am sorry I didn't do this two years ago. Some people are just toxic.

For Libracat, what I think most people don't understand is that we have been hardwired since we were wee children to think that our worth comes from what we do - not who we are. Cattails is so right about the post war generation. They were raised to honor their parents, and raised us the same way, but they are living decades longer than their parents. I think we're struggling with what does "honor" mean? As kids in the fifties, it meant absolute respect for grown ups no matter what they said or did to you (many of us hid abuse) it meant the kids were responsible for most of the chores in the household (that was our extracurricular activities), it meant get good grades or you got beat (not a private tutor to help you find your way). We lived for our parent's approval and it was not given easily. So we're absolutely hard wired to this obligation to care for them. While sometimes I find the younger generation a little "entitled", they have a much better sense of self worth than we do. I think they will find a much better balance in caring for us when we are elderly and I say good for them. I don't want my daughter to go through what I have been through. So there's nothing wrong with you that you feel this overwhelming responsibility to care for her, there's nothing wrong with you that you feel like a little girl that has "failed" again to please your parent, there's nothing wrong with you that you have a hard time putting your finger on "why" you put up with it, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, you're just doing what you have been programmed to do.
Now as far as the situation you are in...I am there too. I cared for my mother, in her own home, for 8 years. Did her laundry, cooked her meals, cleaned her house, took care of her financially, took her out on outings, sat with her for numerous hospitalizations, ER visits, dr. visits. Just doing what I was programmed to do. Then she told my siblings I was abusing her. Similar complaints - I did try to talk to her about not living on sweets, about the importance of doing her physical therapy, about unsanitary conditions in her home. I was just doing what I was programmed to do - which was to do a good job taking care of my elderly mother. My post war generation mother treats this as though I am a small child "talking back" to her - her programming is that I owe her undying compliance even though I'm the one that will have to sit with her for hours on end in the ER with a CHF event after she downs all the sodium rich food she can lay her hands on. Plus, I think she wanted my siblings' attention and this was a way, within her now limited powers, to get it. Now my siblings have disowned me and are sending hate emails to my pregnant daughter about her "toxic, volatile mother". My extended family is irretrievably lost to me.

Here is what I did. Find a therapist and let go with love. You can honor your mother without giving up your life. You are a special person with huge value and your value is not contingent on whether you or not everything you do pleases your mother. Let her make her own choices and let her have the consequences of her own choices. My mother now has in home help. I visit her only when her aide is present. No one will ever be able to accuse me of anything again because there is always a witness - and I am, and always have been, sweet as pie to my mother, even though she was not really a very good mother to me (alcoholic, abusive environment). I encourage you to work with a family therapist to sort this out. You have a right to take care of yourself and you can take care of yourself and protect yourself... and still honor your mother. You kind of have to reboot and reprogram all that hardwiring. Most of us couldn't live with a spouse who demanded blind obedience and treated us as a small child whose needs were subserviant to theirs. Why would anyone expect that we're obligated to live with an elderly parent that demands that of us? Its okay to assert your rights, it is not disrespectful, it is not a failure to honor your parent. I don't know what the right answers are for your situation - that lies within you - but please find a path where you can love your mom and honor your mom and still love and honor yourself.

Libracat, thank you for posting this. Is your Mom normal? Just ungrateful?

This is a wake up call for me. My 81 year old healthy Mother has told many lies to family and friends. She has always been narcissistic and selfish. She wants attention. Her lies have ruined my relationship with my brother. He chooses to believe her, sort of, depending on the lie.

My aunt 'outted' her. Told me how she says no one checks on her, she could be dead for days, what terrible children we are. We have done everything to try to engage her and include her in our lives. She is really not interested.

Mom is still healthy but I will not take her into my home. She will do the same thing to me that your mom has done. They are just ungratful, selfish people. Mom will go to a nursing home. Your Mom should be ashamed of herself.

This one is a no brainer for me. If my mother ever reported me to a government agency, I would make sure she no longer had to be exposed to such a terrible person as myself. It wouldn't matter if it was dementia. It would be time for me to move on with my life. I don't owe the risk of legal problems to anyone.

It feels like a re-victimization when people say to us "why do you put up with it?" "why do you stay?" (You have to wonder why they don't ask "Why doesn't she stop abusing you when you do so much for her?) But as jeanniegibbs says above, it's an enlightenment issue, it's not that these site members are trying to hurt us. (And btw, jeanniegibbs, you provide wonderful, insightful, compassionate responses all the time, I love your responses). When your self esteem has been trampled to the ground since you were a toddler, when your omnipotent parent's approval (as all parents are omnipotent to their kids) is elusively withheld from you and then granted to you in small honeymoon periods, you survive your childhood by constantly trying to adapt your behavior to what you think your parent wants. You adopt a belief that it's your fault because surely you can make them love you if you just get the behavior right. You develop a belief that you can control how they feel about you and react to you with your behavior, with your good deeds. We do not develop a true "self"- a true capacity to make choices based on what we want, because our very survival as children is based on making choices of what we think the parent (and ultimately others) want. And that becomes your programming. You believe that the things that you do (not who you are) are the way to control your parent (and ultimately others) into loving you, into reacting to you the way you want. The truth is we can't control another person into liking us or loving us or responding to us the way we want them to respond. We just have to get to know our self, what our self is willing to do and not willing to do, we have to accept our "self" for who we are and accept others for who they are. We aren't children anymore. And I can tell you if I read this a year ago, even 6 to 8 months ago, I would think it was preachy, I would think that's ridiculous, of course I love myself, I am an extremely loving and giving person because I'm always doing for others, I'm always sacrificing for others. It has taken me a year in therapy (and I'm still working on it) to start acknowledging that I have needs and that now I'm the responsible adult that has to make sure those needs are met. You are truly a loving and giving person who has probably spent a lifetime loving and giving to others. It's time to give that love to yourself, without shame, without guilt, give yourself the unconditional love that was denied to you as a little girl.

Wow I know that is hard to take. My mother tries to gain sympathy and attention in the same manner. I was grilled by my brother and sister about why wouldn't I let mm mom in the kitchen and switching her medications. Well, my siblings never help take care of mom and sure don't want to start now. We all got together, including my mom, to discuss this. She tried to claim she never said anything like this. At least my sibs got to see first hand mom's game playing. Also in front of all, I explained to mom that if she really feels like she's not allowed in the kitchen etc. she can go to assisted living and if she keeps up with these stories they could back fire on her and she'll have no choice but to go someplace "safe". I think what she really wants is attention and we're trying to get her to socialize a little with the other church ladies. I don't know if this helps but please know you're not alone. If your mom continues, the outcome is her own doing and maybe there's a little peace in that. Good luck.

this is how dementia works - the brain loses its filter - and does not function the same - this is not the fault of the person themselves - This is DEMENTIA. It causes so much stress and heartache in families - behaviour can be different and abusive towards the primary caregiver - the rest of the family who are only around part of the time hear the complaints - this called PARANOIA. Make sure your family knows what is going on & especially the medical professiuonals. remember CAREGIVERS CAN BE ABUSED TOO