ClaudiaPeterson Asked November 2021
Resentful of my elderly inlaws whom we live with
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We sold our home and business to move up to live with my husband's elderly, ill parents. His Dad has dementia and is difficult and I feel very stuck. I don't know how long this care will go on for and feel resentful.
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I wish you good luck. Little that we here can do, but perhaps much that you and your husband as a team can do.
If you were just paying for a room/houseshare on the open market, you'd be paying $24,000/year at most. Whereas the services you are providing might realistically cost $170,000/year.
This is when you bring in real paid help. Which is unlikely to occur as everyone sees you as just being there for "free" and not the $150,000/year deficit.
You move out but closeby, and you're then in the positions of these sibs and their spouses. What portion of a 168-hour week would they realistically carry? They don't have to answer now, because they see you not as working for free but having this "free" roof over your head.
You can only cut this off by moving out, which will thus put the care decision back in the hands of the biological family, who will then be confronted with what 24/7 care entails.
1. F.O.G (so thick I have no idea how you can even breathe!)
2. A devil's Bribe: I'll give you a house - but you must give me your life
3. The Promise (no nursing home ever)
A tale I have read many times now: stepping in to help, with good intention, but sliding down fast into quicksand & now stuck.
There is HOPE & you CAN get out!
That resentment you mentioned. It is like a a warning light - flashing *this must change*. Embrace the resentment. Let this give you courage for the honest, hard but necessary conversations that will be needed.
I'm glad you reached out. Is your DH with you in the quicksand? Are you standing together or or you alone so far?
Many family members get "assumed" into caregiving. Since we don't know what was promised or expected when you and your husband made this decision, I think it is not too early to diplomatically start to let him know that the arrangement is much different than you envisioned and you're struggling with it. And knowing that it will get more and more restrictive and intense, you want to talk about how to make it less onerous for the both of you, since your marriage takes priority over his parent's care.
If your husband is his parents' PoA, hopefully he has a grasp on their financial resources. One solution is to use these resources to hire aids to come in daily to take up some of the care tasks and companionship. Another is for them to go to adult day care for a few hours every day. You should not be spending any of your own money to pay for any of their care. Also, the financial PoA needs to consult with an elder law/estate planning attorney or Medicaid Planner to make sure money management doesn't cause either parent to be delayed or disqualified for Medicaid, a very important resource that many elders eventually require if they ever need to be transitioned into a facility. Many people fear "running out of money" but this is what they had saved for -- their care in their declining years. Many people run out of money and it's not the end of the world if they planned ahead. Protectiveness of inheritances causes many people to make some very poor decisions, and creates terrible rifts in families.
"I don't know how long this care will go on for..." -- no one ever does and this is part of the problem. Begin a conversation with your husband in a calm and private moment. Come with some realistic solutions to present to him. It may take more than one discussion for there to be agreement on what to do. I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart as you move forward together.
Am I correct in assuming that either one or both of you are currently unemployed in order to be full time caregiver(s)?
Did "the family" think it would be "easier" for you/husband to give up your employment because you worked for yourselves?
For heaven's sake, if this is recent, cut and run. The longer you remain unemployed, the more difficult it's going to be to find a full time job with any real means of financial support; then you become dependent on your in-laws for a place to live, and everyone else in the family thinks you're "lucky" to get "free room and board", and it becomes a vicious cycle. There are, literally, dozens of posts here describing that very scenario. Find a few, and show them to your husband. Because your "free room and board" might run out really quickly once your in-laws can no longer live at home - and believe me, that day will come eventually. Then the home will need to be sold for their care, and you/husband will find yourselves in a real pickle of a situation, and still the rest of the family will not understand ("how can they have no money??!!?? They were living all this time for free!!!").
It's not too late to have a change of heart. If your husband isn't on board, were I you I would still look for full time employment, especially now that there's such a shortage of workers out there! Don't fall into this trap that the "only" option in-laws have is you/husband as a caregiver!
Good luck!
I think you and your husband need to have some frank discussions and come to terms with what you're comfortable with and what not, and decide if you're going to continue with the care. If not, you can be helpful by finding other sources and making arrangements.
It's not wise for anyone for you to be in a caregiving position which you don't want and with which you're aren't at least comfortable. You may have to have a heart to heart talk with your MIL, but if that helps all of you reconcile the situation and find solutions, then do it.
"they have always treated my husband poorly"
This is a common thing on this forum. Seems the abused child is always the one expected to do the care. Actually, its the last person who should be doing the care. Bet you weren't told how bad Dad was.
Sendhelp said: "Shared housing will always come down to 1) Two women in the kitchen, and 2) Who's the Captain of the ship?"
I have been telling my DH this for years. Two adult woman cannot live in the same house especially when one of them owns the house. His Mom was after him for years to move to Fla. I didn't want to go but would have if he chose to. I did tell him if I made the move, we would not live with his Mom. Lots of reasons why not. We never moved.😊
I agree, get a place of your own. If they can afford it, hire an aide to help with the bathing and some light housework. But you will need to set boundries whether you stay or not. Yes its his parents house. But DH is an adult now and needs to at least some respect shown to him and you. You have done them a BIG favor which they should appreciate. I am not beyond a little threat. "If you don't start treating me and wife with a little respect, then we will be leaving. We gave up alot to do for you and you can at least show some appreciation". Since DH has always been treated poorly, he owes them nothing. If it wasn't for u, they would probably need an Assist. Living or LTC.
There are stories on this forum about how the Caregiver/s have been left out of the Will. One because the parents felt they gave the CG a place to live and never charged them rent. So, the siblings got the inheritance. Never considered what the cost of caregiving would have been if they had to hire someone. The Golden child never does any of the caring but gets all the awards. So, make sure your not doing the caring so that the siblings get the inheritance. Even if you share in the inheritance, you won't get more because you did the caring.
As said, if this is not working, then ur DH and his siblings are going to need to find options.
If this is a move that your husband made without input from you or little consideration as to how this will effect you and your marriage it might be time to have a sit-down talk with him.
How long will this go on? How long can you tolerate it? 5 years? 10 years?
The funds that you got when you sold your house, are they still available? If so it might be time to cut your losses and start a search for a home. Of your own.
You can decide it you want to be close or further away. You and your husband get to decide.
If he does not want to make a move then you decide if it is worth continuing or do you separate. (I hate ultimatums but if this was a decision made with little input from you then maybe it is time for one)