Response to a friend who claims she would never put her mom in a “home.” Any advice?

"I hope that works for you when the time comes".

How about, "You're in a very different situation than I am. I have a husband and a child, and they're my first priority. I can't hand over my life to my mom's care without breaking my marriage vows and cutting myself off from my child and future grandchildren. But you're lucky. You can devote yourself only to your mom if you choose to. And unless you've walked in these shoes, you can't really know how hard it is."

"Shut the f--- up" also works.

“Oh I know, I never expected to either but when I realized it’s what’s safest and best for her I had to give up my selfishness and do the harder thing instead. I have to let it be about her and not me”.

"I used to think that exact same thing. But after living through the reality and the stress, I've had to find a different solution that protects my marriage and family so that we didn't all burn out. AL doesn't mean I don't love my Mother. I've learned to never say never."

My best friend and I had similarly aged moms. Both developed different kinds of dementia (my mom had vascular; no one dxed her mom with any particular kind).

She was firmly on the side of "no nursing game, ever."

I was on the "facility care, as soon as possible" end of things.

We talked. The differences in our mothers' circumstances were stark and defined what was best.

Her mom had no funds. Lived in a wonderful rent subsidized high rise apartment in view of the Atlantic Ocean. With a balcony. Completely handicapped accessible.

My mom had substantial assets. Including an isolated suburban home on 3 levels.

Her mother was able to get 24/7 live-in aides through Medicaid. A doctor who came to the apartment. Eventually, Hospice services.

My mom went first to a nice IL, then after a stroke and broken hip, a NH . Where she lived pretty contentedly for 4.5 years.

My mom died at 94. Her mom died at nearly 102.

Neither one of us would have done this any differently.

Circumstances can dictate what is "best" and what one chooses.

Tell her you want your mom to receive the best care possible. Because you have responsibilities in addition to responsibility to mom assisted living is the best choice to get mom the help and care she deserves.

your friend lives in a bubble and speaks from delusion and judgement! I once said that too, when my mother was young and had all of her marbles! Now she’s 90 and I am her 24/7 live in caretaker and it’s hell. I’m burned out, resentful and unhappy and try as I might, it’s rare that I can muster the patience we both deserve. I’d put her in a home in a second if i didn’t have to rely on her pension to live just above hand to mouth and could live with the guilt it would cause me. I don’t abuse my mother but I can be impatient with her. I’m constantly changing diapers, tending to her needs and restricted to having to be close. A night out with friends? Maybe for a few hours but when I get home she’s made a mess in the kitchen and likely the bed too so it’s a big clean up. I want my life back! God help me but I wish she’d die soon and free us both. I’m just being honest. My nerves are shot, I’m on the verge of tears half the time and this is no way to live for either of us. Plus I’m resentful that she would rather put me through this than consent to assisted living so there’s the guilt trip. Before any of you say “she took care of you as a baby and growing up”, that was her job as a mother and thank you but it’s not the same thing. A baby grows up to hopefully be a functioning adult, this is going in the other direction. Taking care of an aging parent at the end of their life isn’t the fantasy of a privilege, it’s hell on everyone. I wish I was a saint but I’m not. That being said, making the decision to put your loved one in a home is a good one BUT do your homework and be thorough in your investigation. Some of these places are horrible so make sure she is properly taken care of by people who will treat them well. That is love, not abandonment! Parent AND child deserve that.

I guess I would say something like, "Well, my mom's needs changed, and at Assisted Living, she can have 24 hour a day, 7 day a week care, something that one person just can't provide."

I would respond to this by telling such a friend,

Never say never.

Or if you really want to get your point across, you could say something like "Well, if you ever do find yourself in this position of having to make such a heart-wrenching decision, as a nod to our friendship I promise not to throw your hurtful comments back in your face and say "I told you so".