Crystals9369 Asked December 2022
Response to a friend who claims she would never put her mom in a “home.” Any advice?
Follow
Share
Read More Close
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
95 Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- What is the best way to handle issues or complaints with the assisted living place where my mother lives? I have POA.
- Am I justified to get tough with dad?
- I need to get my 92 yr old mom into AL. She has dementia and is almost completely blind. I can’t care for her in my home any longer. She will resist, any advice?
- CSA: Society of Certified Senior Advisors. Any advice?
Ask a Question
Bottom line is that we are all individuals. The person who is thrust into our care is also an individual. I had hoped to keep my Mom in her home until she died. I even put all my stuff into storage and started a new adult life so that I could help her stay in her home. Alas, I found out that I'm not cut out for this caregiving business. However, I know that I tolerate the shenanigans better and worse than professional caregivers. That is because I am an individual and my Mom is an individual.
It doesn't matter if a person is married or not, with kids or not, he/she/they/them. We each are individuals.
If you want to keep the friendship, I would suggest that you just steer clear on the caregiving topic. However, if that is a topic that you want to discuss, then you need to make the decision on whether to keep the friendship or let it go.
She is entitled to have her opinion just as you are entitled to have your opinion. Now you have to decide whether you want to continue the friendship or not.
How would I respond if that situation happened to me? After the "shock" wore off, I would stop the person from continuing the train of discussion and say "I value our friendship. Let's change the conversation to something else and agree to disagree on this aspect of caregiving."
So is it necessary to take those differences personal or even attacking other peoples' wishes "shameful"?
In this forum, are there people taking care of spouse or parent at home by family members or hired-home care without going to AL or SNF? If yes, why is that "wish" "shameful"?
Best of luck with your Mom. I hope you find kind hearted support where ever you go.
The promise I made to my mom is that I will keep her as safe, secure, healthy, and happy as possible. The location where those things can best be done will vary with her needs.
My mom is 91 years old. She moved to live close to me 7 years ago, and still lives in her own home with a lot of support from me. We picked her home specifically for the layout that would work best for aging in place, and made a few moditifcations on top of that so we can be ready to address several scenarios that might come up.
My mom is extremely happy in her home. But, she knows that, if she needs short term rehabilitative care, long term skilled nursing, or hospice palliative care I will move her to the location where she can receive the most appropriate care.
It is important to me that I enjoy my role, and not be worn out by providing basic care. If her health has a prolonged decline, I want to spend my time with her sitting by her bedside, listening to her stories, holding her hand, and making sure her pillow is fluffed and her feet are warm. I do not want to spend the final days/weeks/months of her life run ragged trying to do everything simply because I promised to keep her at home.
My mom is a former nurse and cared for her parents in their home. We are both very realistic to know I cannot do everything that might come our way. She is a true partner in the decisions, and I appreciate our conversations where she tells me what she wants. There is so much peace that comes when you know what your parent wants, they know they can trust you to care for them and all the necessary legal paperwork is done to ensure it can happen.
I wish everyone is able to find that kind of peace.
It’d go like this…” Hahahahahahahahaha!…No. That’s not possible in my my case. “
If it warranted explanation I’d point out some of the many factual reasons why taking care of mom by myself, in my house, is literally impossible.
Some people are kind and have no idea on the reality. Some people have doubts on themselves and put down others’ lives to boost their own feelings. These situations have a way of sorting out who sits where. Some friends are good to keep close, others can be kept but at a farther distance. Sigh.
The disappointment never feels great though. Big hug to you…
your spouse is a whole lot different. Financial aspects can literally bankrupt you leaving the surviving spouse with nothing to live on.
Some people can be very judgy and 'holier than thou' in these situations. I think it's because they feel threatened or fearful in some way. It's about what's going on in their own heads - not about you at all.
One time I was buying mum a thick warm cardigan on a market stall. The stall holder kept saying, 'I could never put my mother in a home, never'. I felt a bit peeved, and I was thinking 'Yes, but would you actually be looking after her, or would that fall to your wife, sister, other female relative?' H'm.
What is your friend afraid of what would happen if not using professional facility care? Neglected personal care and companionship? Money? Mother's money pays for her care. Even down to Medicaid level. Forget about inheritance, because it is not her money until mother passes away, if anything if left over.
That's what assisted living and nursing homes are for: Your Mother's Safety. What would happen if your mother suffered fall injuries at home without help, her condition got beyond your level of care and the hospital will not allow her back home? What would your friend then say??
It might be best to move on to leave your friend who does not support your decision. Perhaps she may consult professional help.
there are different ways to take care of our parents as they become older and need more care. Being a caregiver is a 36 hour day, seven days a week 365 days a year. Even when people bring in some help such as a private duty caregiver, most people can not afford a caregiver 24/7. So the question becomes when do I bring in extra help? How many days a week, How many hours. Without a plan or help the adult child caregiver is impacting their own lives and health as well.
You are doing the right thing, looking At communities for your Mom is allowing her independence, care as she needs it and socialization. It also allows you to be her daughter, not a 24/7 caregiver who may start to resent their parent.
your friend is truly not being realistic.
I fail to see how speaking in cliches is helpful either. There's no such thing as a 36 hour day and everything you're saying here is nothing new and people have heard it a thousand times over.
I don't know what wrong Terminology you're talking about when it comes to residential placement for a person. Why not call something what it is?
A nursing home.
An assisted living facility.
A board and care home.
A senior living community.
A memory care facility.
This is what these things are. Placing a person isn't the part people have a hard time living with. It's the pain and guilt that comes with the decision. Therapy can really help a person.
I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years and have seen more families than I can count struggle with the decision to place and elderly LO because of the crippling guilt they felt even thinking about it. They knew placement was the answer because their LO's needs could not be met at home anymore. Yet they were keeping them home at great risk to them and others because they felt guilty. They were coerced and guilted into making a promise that they would never put mom or dad in a "home".
I always told people in such a situation that sometimes a person has to renege on a promise when they know it's the right thing to do.
As for the guilt. Well, you have to learn to live with it.
Here's the thing about the overwhelming guilt people have about placing an elderly LO in managed care. More often than not it's a crutch that enables the caregiver to be a martyr. Believe me when I tell you, living as a martyr to caregiving will ruin your life and the lives of everyone you love. I'm speaking from experience here.
Get a job and move out. Then there's two choices for your mother.
Live-in homecare or a managed care facility.
Then there's unlimited choices for you. Guilt is not more powerful than self-preservation. Don't make the mistake so many people do and talk yourself into believing that it is. It's not.
Therapy can help you get through those feeling of guilt and doubt. It really can. I speak from experience with that too.
Good luck my friend and please seriously think about taking YOUR life back.
Don't take it personally. Your friend has an opinion, but no experience. She only knows what she knows. Her choices in life have no bearing on yours.
She was firmly on the side of "no nursing game, ever."
I was on the "facility care, as soon as possible" end of things.
We talked. The differences in our mothers' circumstances were stark and defined what was best.
Her mom had no funds. Lived in a wonderful rent subsidized high rise apartment in view of the Atlantic Ocean. With a balcony. Completely handicapped accessible.
My mom had substantial assets. Including an isolated suburban home on 3 levels.
Her mother was able to get 24/7 live-in aides through Medicaid. A doctor who came to the apartment. Eventually, Hospice services.
My mom went first to a nice IL, then after a stroke and broken hip, a NH . Where she lived pretty contentedly for 4.5 years.
My mom died at 94. Her mom died at nearly 102.
Neither one of us would have done this any differently.
Circumstances can dictate what is "best" and what one chooses.
Exactly right. There comes a point where keeping a person at home is no longer in their best interests.
A good friend of mine is going through this right now. Her and her husband moved in with his mother and she's the 24/7 caregiver. If her MIL gets placed now the home will have to be sold and the Medicaid 'spend-down' is where the money from it will go. They don't want to lose the house which is understandable. The parents whent he father was living made no arrangements to protect their property from a Medicaid spend-down or from the greedy claws of a nursing home. Many seniors refuse to make arrangements to protect their assets because they see it as a type of insurance policy with their adult kids. That they will keep them out of a "home" if they want to inherit some day. Most people end up placing a person when the wandering, paranoia, and pants pooping starts. No asset is worth giving up your life for. It really isn't.
It’s needing others to listen and understand that she is hurting from her friend’s remarks. People come here for empathy.
If you think about it, the remark can come off as passive aggressive, of course her friend is entitled to do as she wishes. She isn’t denying that.
Different people have different needs. Some people know when they need a break before they burnout. Others are able to struggle through it.
In my husband’s case, the anger at his mother’s bad behavior and her refusal to accept medical treatment and give up a dog that isn’t house trained are more than reasonable reasons not to have her in our home or near us. The stress of her presence or proximity is enough to send us both running for cover.
My MIL is very manipulative. She tried to convince me to let her move in. I told her that she had to give up her dog before she would be allowed even near us and that there would be rules to living here. Doctor visits, no shopping, no constant tv watching, must participate in adult day care. DH reiterated it. She was told this several times. When she took her time, we had our daughter move into the space she had her eye on. She was incensed & said it was promised to her. I said that the part she was supposed to do - get rid of her dog - did not occur and therefore no promises.
On the other hand, my Granny was the best, most agreeable woman and was with family to the end. She was social, enjoyed activities and friends, had a life with family. There wasn’t a focus on an animal over family members.
counts on him using pee pads in one of the bathrooms. When he stays with me he loves to go out to do his business and even when I walk him when I am visiting he acts like he is trying to squeeze every last drop out of his body while he has a chance.