Response to a friend who claims she would never put her mom in a “home.” Any advice?

Yeah, there are people like that. There are people like that on this forum too!

Bottom line is that we are all individuals. The person who is thrust into our care is also an individual. I had hoped to keep my Mom in her home until she died. I even put all my stuff into storage and started a new adult life so that I could help her stay in her home. Alas, I found out that I'm not cut out for this caregiving business. However, I know that I tolerate the shenanigans better and worse than professional caregivers. That is because I am an individual and my Mom is an individual.

It doesn't matter if a person is married or not, with kids or not, he/she/they/them. We each are individuals.

If you want to keep the friendship, I would suggest that you just steer clear on the caregiving topic. However, if that is a topic that you want to discuss, then you need to make the decision on whether to keep the friendship or let it go.

She is entitled to have her opinion just as you are entitled to have your opinion. Now you have to decide whether you want to continue the friendship or not.

How would I respond if that situation happened to me? After the "shock" wore off, I would stop the person from continuing the train of discussion and say "I value our friendship. Let's change the conversation to something else and agree to disagree on this aspect of caregiving."

"This is what is best for mom. She needs more skilled caregivers than I can be for her. It is not about me, it is about mom."

When there is no consensus on what method is better than another in terms of taking care of one's LO at different stages of life, either don't share with people your personal matter or allow others to express their ways of how they "wish" or want to do it, unless you see other ways specifically unethical, immoral or illegal.

So is it necessary to take those differences personal or even attacking other peoples' wishes "shameful"?

In this forum, are there people taking care of spouse or parent at home by family members or hired-home care without going to AL or SNF? If yes, why is that "wish" "shameful"?

What an unfortunate, passive aggressive reply your friend has chosen in your time of need. Next time (sadly there will be a next time) I kindly suggest you are direct with her. “That was hurtful. It’s breaking my heart navigating this chapter of Mom’s life and to say *** does not help and is uncalled for. Please stop.”
Best of luck with your Mom. I hope you find kind hearted support where ever you go.

My very strong suggestion is for no one to ever make that promise.

The promise I made to my mom is that I will keep her as safe, secure, healthy, and happy as possible. The location where those things can best be done will vary with her needs.

My mom is 91 years old. She moved to live close to me 7 years ago, and still lives in her own home with a lot of support from me. We picked her home specifically for the layout that would work best for aging in place, and made a few moditifcations on top of that so we can be ready to address several scenarios that might come up.

My mom is extremely happy in her home. But, she knows that, if she needs short term rehabilitative care, long term skilled nursing, or hospice palliative care I will move her to the location where she can receive the most appropriate care.

It is important to me that I enjoy my role, and not be worn out by providing basic care. If her health has a prolonged decline, I want to spend my time with her sitting by her bedside, listening to her stories, holding her hand, and making sure her pillow is fluffed and her feet are warm. I do not want to spend the final days/weeks/months of her life run ragged trying to do everything simply because I promised to keep her at home.

My mom is a former nurse and cared for her parents in their home. We are both very realistic to know I cannot do everything that might come our way. She is a true partner in the decisions, and I appreciate our conversations where she tells me what she wants. There is so much peace that comes when you know what your parent wants, they know they can trust you to care for them and all the necessary legal paperwork is done to ensure it can happen.
I wish everyone is able to find that kind of peace.

Sounds like your friend was making a judgement, shame on her. No one should give advice unless they've lived your situation. Just my two cents.

If someone - anyone - told me that I would burst out laughing. I know I would, because I’ve spontaneously erupted in laughter before over similar, impossible comments!

It’d go like this…” Hahahahahahahahaha!…No. That’s not possible in my my case. “

If it warranted explanation I’d point out some of the many factual reasons why taking care of mom by myself, in my house, is literally impossible.

Some people are kind and have no idea on the reality. Some people have doubts on themselves and put down others’ lives to boost their own feelings. These situations have a way of sorting out who sits where. Some friends are good to keep close, others can be kept but at a farther distance. Sigh.

The disappointment never feels great though. Big hug to you…

"I used to feel the same way, until I became a caregiver!"

A lot of talk here. I’m just saying there is a big difference between your parents and a spouse. I think decisions regarding parents are easier. Do som careful asset planing then at the right time pull the cord and put them in a care facility. My parents actually lived quite well in a retirement home. I suppose it would be not as nice in a care facility. But remember you have your own life to live.
your spouse is a whole lot different. Financial aspects can literally bankrupt you leaving the surviving spouse with nothing to live on.

Your "friend" has never been in your situation so she should have no opinion on how you care for your mother. Every situation is different. When people say similar comments to me, I point out that love isn't based on where someone lives or how much hands-on care someone is providing. But more importantly my mother receives better care surrounded by professionals who can provide her the level of care she needs.

Tell “friend” to “Walk a mile in my shoes”

Walk in my boots before you judge!!

Your decision about your mother getting placed to an NH is fine. Sorry to learn about what your friend thinks. Here's my thinking: If someone jumped off of the Bay Bridge, would you follow her and do the same thing?? Your friend views that home arrangement for Mom will work out better than NH care. This decision is a folly.

What is your friend afraid of what would happen if not using professional facility care? Neglected personal care and companionship? Money? Mother's money pays for her care. Even down to Medicaid level. Forget about inheritance, because it is not her money until mother passes away, if anything if left over.

That's what assisted living and nursing homes are for: Your Mother's Safety. What would happen if your mother suffered fall injuries at home without help, her condition got beyond your level of care and the hospital will not allow her back home? What would your friend then say??

It might be best to move on to leave your friend who does not support your decision. Perhaps she may consult professional help.

As someone who has been in the senior living industry, and is a Certified Dementia Practitioner, receive the situation consistently. For a family member to say that they would never put someone in an assisted living community, or a nursing home as many of them use the wrong Termanology, they are truly not being realistic. Every person is different, and requires different levels of care. If someone does not have the experience of a caregiver, can help with their loved ones activities of daily living, can take the time to educate themselves and find the resources to truly help their loved one. They are not doing themselves or their loved one any justice. I also find that many times people that say this I’ve never been in an assisted living community. assisted-living is not a nursing home, it is an engaging lifestyle for area seniors to receive the levels of care and services that they need to maintain their dignity as well as outstanding social programs and activities to keep them engaged. So many seniors are lonely, They need connections with peers.
there are different ways to take care of our parents as they become older and need more care. Being a caregiver is a 36 hour day, seven days a week 365 days a year. Even when people bring in some help such as a private duty caregiver, most people can not afford a caregiver 24/7. So the question becomes when do I bring in extra help? How many days a week, How many hours. Without a plan or help the adult child caregiver is impacting their own lives and health as well.
You are doing the right thing, looking At communities for your Mom is allowing her independence, care as she needs it and socialization. It also allows you to be her daughter, not a 24/7 caregiver who may start to resent their parent.
your friend is truly not being realistic.

After facing this degree of ignorance and being fully aware of my own circumstances, I stopped wasting my time responding.

so maybe your mom could move in with you and if you or she have enough money for an AL then maybe that money can go to help at home.

Ignore it. Sometimes people just speak without thinking. This appears to be one of those times.

My fiance used to say the same about his disabled brother. "I'll never put him in a group home. I know how those places are." His brother would thrive in a group home, but their family never saw it as an option. Now, he says he would put him in memory/nursing care if it gets bad enough. Right now, his brother's main issue is short-term memory loss. He's very capable of doing a lot of things. When you haven't been in a situation where outside care is needed, you really have no idea what you would do. Is it possible to keep someone in your home when they have Alzheimer's, Dementia, etc.? Sometimes. Is it the best situation for all parties? Not usually.

your friend lives in a bubble and speaks from delusion and judgement! I once said that too, when my mother was young and had all of her marbles! Now she’s 90 and I am her 24/7 live in caretaker and it’s hell. I’m burned out, resentful and unhappy and try as I might, it’s rare that I can muster the patience we both deserve. I’d put her in a home in a second if i didn’t have to rely on her pension to live just above hand to mouth and could live with the guilt it would cause me. I don’t abuse my mother but I can be impatient with her. I’m constantly changing diapers, tending to her needs and restricted to having to be close. A night out with friends? Maybe for a few hours but when I get home she’s made a mess in the kitchen and likely the bed too so it’s a big clean up. I want my life back! God help me but I wish she’d die soon and free us both. I’m just being honest. My nerves are shot, I’m on the verge of tears half the time and this is no way to live for either of us. Plus I’m resentful that she would rather put me through this than consent to assisted living so there’s the guilt trip. Before any of you say “she took care of you as a baby and growing up”, that was her job as a mother and thank you but it’s not the same thing. A baby grows up to hopefully be a functioning adult, this is going in the other direction. Taking care of an aging parent at the end of their life isn’t the fantasy of a privilege, it’s hell on everyone. I wish I was a saint but I’m not. That being said, making the decision to put your loved one in a home is a good one BUT do your homework and be thorough in your investigation. Some of these places are horrible so make sure she is properly taken care of by people who will treat them well. That is love, not abandonment! Parent AND child deserve that.

To each her own. No matter how much a parent is loved, sometimes a "home" is the best place for her.

Everyone needs to do what they feel comfortable with and feel they can manage. From what you have said, your friend has never taken care of anyone...not even a husband or a child, so I don't think she knows what the hell she is talking about. Let her blabber on about what she thinks she will or won't do. LOL The first time her mom accuses her of stealing her money, keeps her up all night and then soils herself and your friend has to clean it up, she will be calling you for suggestions where to place her sweet mother. LOL

Don't take it personally. Your friend has an opinion, but no experience. She only knows what she knows. Her choices in life have no bearing on yours.

My best friend and I had similarly aged moms. Both developed different kinds of dementia (my mom had vascular; no one dxed her mom with any particular kind).

She was firmly on the side of "no nursing game, ever."

I was on the "facility care, as soon as possible" end of things.

We talked. The differences in our mothers' circumstances were stark and defined what was best.

Her mom had no funds. Lived in a wonderful rent subsidized high rise apartment in view of the Atlantic Ocean. With a balcony. Completely handicapped accessible.

My mom had substantial assets. Including an isolated suburban home on 3 levels.

Her mother was able to get 24/7 live-in aides through Medicaid. A doctor who came to the apartment. Eventually, Hospice services.

My mom went first to a nice IL, then after a stroke and broken hip, a NH . Where she lived pretty contentedly for 4.5 years.

My mom died at 94. Her mom died at nearly 102.

Neither one of us would have done this any differently.

Circumstances can dictate what is "best" and what one chooses.

Try to hold your tongue. Many people think they would never put mom in a home but after cleaning up adult poop from someone who is up all night and calls 911 every time they get near a phone and who follows you around and makes no sense at all — very often ideas change.

“Oh I know, I never expected to either but when I realized it’s what’s safest and best for her I had to give up my selfishness and do the harder thing instead. I have to let it be about her and not me”.

Why do you have to respond to what she chooses to do? Maybe you are seeing her position as criticism of you if you place your own mother in care. As far as her own hopes to be able to take of her mother at home, you can acknowledge her good intentions and hope she can set up a workable plan. You do not need to make a judgement about whether her plan is reasonable or not.

It’s a shame that she couldn’t offer you more compassion and support. Unless your friend is one of the very fortunate few whose LO ages gracefully, you could choose to withhold a response knowing that she is ignorant of what it’s like taking care of an aging parent with dementia. In reality, there’s a world of hurt ahead for her.

Some people will never "get it" until they "get it." If she is truly your friend, don't dwell on her ignorant comment. Change the topic and move on. Remember: forgiveness is a gift that you give to yourself. Peace.

I guess I would say something like, "Well, my mom's needs changed, and at Assisted Living, she can have 24 hour a day, 7 day a week care, something that one person just can't provide."

It is one thing if one is able to take care of one’s mother, who cooperates, is agreeable and goes along with the program. It is another, when the parent is difficult, unpleasant, belligerent, feels entitled, and expects service after years of poor treatment. The capacity to empathize may not be there.

In my husband’s case, the anger at his mother’s bad behavior and her refusal to accept medical treatment and give up a dog that isn’t house trained are more than reasonable reasons not to have her in our home or near us. The stress of her presence or proximity is enough to send us both running for cover.

My MIL is very manipulative. She tried to convince me to let her move in. I told her that she had to give up her dog before she would be allowed even near us and that there would be rules to living here. Doctor visits, no shopping, no constant tv watching, must participate in adult day care. DH reiterated it. She was told this several times. When she took her time, we had our daughter move into the space she had her eye on. She was incensed & said it was promised to her. I said that the part she was supposed to do - get rid of her dog - did not occur and therefore no promises.

On the other hand, my Granny was the best, most agreeable woman and was with family to the end. She was social, enjoyed activities and friends, had a life with family. There wasn’t a focus on an animal over family members.

rlynn123 has the best short and sweet response.