Crystals9369 Asked December 2022
Response to a friend who claims she would never put her mom in a “home.” Any advice?
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And no one knows what they will do until confronted with the reality of a loved one’s needs. Even a person without a full time job and children—that would be me—can’t be a 24/7 caregiver. The single person actually has no backup, physically or emotionally. So be careful about “judging” what your friend might be able to do.
I agree that rlynn123’s response is perfect. And I am sorry that your friend, rather than giving you support during this difficult time, has been unhelpful. Just remember that getting your mom into a place where she is safe and cared for and may even make friends allows your time and energy with her to be spent in a positive way—enjoying her company as her daughter.
I can’t begin to tell you how many times I felt this way. Caregivers are taken for granted and desperately need a shoulder to cry on at times and have people show support for their decisions even if they are different from what others may have decided on.
I would rather someone not say anything at all than to make a passive aggressive statement or a ridiculous one. Honestly, I would prefer that someone tell me off instead of being patronizing or passive aggressive.
Even just a smile or a hug is comforting.
I had a neighbor who never asked me how I was holding up. Her first question to me was, “How is your mom doing?” At first I thought it was sweet, but I so yearned for someone to ask ME how I was doing.
She NEVER did ask me and it hurt. So, the next time she said, “How is your mom doing?” I said, “I am okay but very tired.” She asked again a little louder, How is your ‘MOM’ doing?”
I repeated, “Oh, I have been really tired lately.” She looked puzzled. She said even louder, “I asked you how is ‘YOUR MOTHER’ is doing?
Then I said, “I know perfectly well what you asked. Forgive me for being facetious but I was making a point that I wish you would ask me how I am doing sometimes. Obviously, you didn’t get my point.”
Maybe that was rather a sarcastic thing for me to do but she caught me on a bad day when I was truly exhausted. I wanted to scream at her saying that she knew that my mom was in her 90’s with Parkinson’s disease and dementia.
Didn’t she have any common sense to know that my mother was not going to improve?
These things really work on caregivers nerves who are stuck in a rut like I was.
I am so glad that the OP recognizes that she can place her mom. Good for her! Why wouldn’t she feel good about her mom receiving 24/7 care? One person can’t do the job of others doing three shifts.
Anyway, you should tell her that she should start doing her research now if or when that happens to her mom.
My mom is in a memory care facility. She’s had Alzheimer’s for a while and my dad took care of her until he had a stroke.
My sisters and I stepped in to take care of both of them w/ a caregiver. It was very stressful.
Unfortunately, my mom fell and fractured her hip. She got surgery and has been recovering in a skilled nursing facility ever since. We see her weekly and they are taking very good care of her.
You can only do so much . If you feel the AL is what she needs for her decline then check some out.
Don’t feel guilt, don’t let your jerky friend make you feel bad about this choice.
My Daddy was 6'2" and there was no way I could care for him because I work 8 hours a day. Do not let anyone bully you into do things. I have a neighbor and as my Daddy was declining she told me of how her sister-in-law would not let her husband go into a home what-ever and I told her that's great I am glad she is able to take care of her husband. I also had a friend whos husband declined and she could not take care of him herself and could not afford to have him at home. She placed him in the closest AL and sat with him everyday for as long as she could then would go home rest, then back the next day. She did this up until the day he died which was about a year.
Blessings to you! You know in your heart what needs to be done let it and Let God! Hugs
You need to stand up for yourself, even if you don't do it vehemently like we are doing for you on this site! You need to - we are here for you. Hugs!
* Confronting sets up an argument of "I'm right" and most importantly "YOU ARE WRONG" when it is about personal values and decision-making. This dialogue won't help either of them.
* When dealing with someone who can't see / feel beyond their own little world, all the talking in the world won't help / matter. It will only cause more upset.
While it may be difficult, realize her limitations and take her 'ramblings' with a grain of salt - or better yet, dismiss them immediately. She doesn't have YOUR (nor your mom's) best interest at heart. She is limited and thus very ... unsupportive - and appears to want to vent / encourage YOU to feel GUILT (as if she was in your situation, she'd feel guilt making decisions as you are / considering ... so she cannot HELP but dump her guilt on to you).
This isn't a friend.
How would I respond?
This is very personal. She won't 'get it so why waste my time (or yours).
* I likely would stop communicating with her or have very limited interactions and very occasionally (if you want to maintain the relationship).
* You might want to say "this is how you 'feel / think' for your situation; it is not my situation with my mom. We all do what we feel is in the best interest of our loved one ... although you may NOT understand this. And, I accept that you do not understand how I feel, even though it hurts.
I would encourage you:
1. to get new friends (who support you in your situation);
1a. People / friends who DO NOT judge you/your decisions. (She cannot as she isn't developed enough to be able to do this.)
2. stop listening to this person. She will only continually trigger your (vulnerable) buttons at this time - this is painful and difficult for you as it is; you don't need another layer of pain which this person will continue to exude. She doesn't have the psychological / mental capacity to reach beyond her own little world. Feel compassion for her and stop associating with her.
Gena / Touch Matters
There are far better alternatives. If and/or when your mother does need additional care please look into home care. Where she can have people come right to her home. She need not loose everything she has just to move into a tiny room. Why do you think people die so soon after moving into these places?
If your mom needs help financially there are programs for that as well. We have one called IRIS that is wonderful.
Please listen to your friend. She is telling you from her heart what she knows is best.
God Bless her for trying to help you understand!
I cared for my mom in my home but I wouldn’t dream of telling others that they are making the wrong decision to place them.
It was extremely hard to be a full time caregiver. I most likely would not do it again.
I say the same thing. My mother has knows full well for many years not that if dementia shows up to the party and I am in charge of her care, she will be placed.
If my sibling wants to step up and take over her care, then more power to her. I'm not doing it though.
Ignore her, or say we are trying to do what we feel best and search situation is different and then let the subject drop.
And when it happens in her family, bite your tongue so you don’t say I told you so.
I think I'd indulge in a bit of 'I told you so' when it happens in her family.
What works for one family does not work for others.
I applaud you for doing “what you felt was best” in the position you were in. We assess the situation of our loved ones, we assess our physical and mental status and then we Act.
Why is putting your loved ones in a AL/NH etc…taboo? As sons,daughters, husbands,wives,neice’s,nephews ,
mil/fil, and even parents or grandparents possibly ( of children with disabilities) our duties as such is to give them the care needed, whether we can or can not do it ourselves.
We just assure the care is adequate! Ofcourse no one will love and pamper them as lovingly as we will, but we do our best to assure the care is adequate.
Best wishes💕
Actually mostly I do now.. because they just haven't lived it.
But one time, with a particularly judgemental response, very similar to your friend, using 'loves her Mom SO much' blah blah, I choose to make a point. I picked that apart in 20 straight fire questions. One scenario after another.. By the end the lady had her head on the table, distraught, telling me "There was no other option left! My G*d I would have to put Mom in a home afterall!"
Then I apologized.. it was a silly thing for me to do I suppose - to prove my point. She apologized for being judgemental.
We agreed that you can LOVE someone but also NEED to move them into a care home. That home care is not always possible. Or can work for a time but has a stopping point. She then understood.
Seven months ago, I found her on the floor, mid-seizure. Overnight, she went from a vibrant, intellectual woman to a scared, angry child who threatened suicide if I didn't bring her home and wondering why I hated her so much to do this to her. God bless my coworkers and my job for indulging my complete despair and tears because I just didn't know what in the hell I was going to do. It took a case manager at the hospital telling me that she would need 24 hour care and that for me to be able to do it, I was going to have to call in every favor I've ever made to everyone I know. The thing is, we live in this city by ourselves. My sisters are two hours away. Mom's many grandkids are scattered around the state. There was nobody to help or pick up the slack. So, I had no choice but to put her in a nursing home. I thought of every option I could and nothing was viable. But, I promise you, if I could, I would bring her back home today. I miss seeing her every day, desperately. I can't imagine how I made it through Christmas without losing my mind
I don't judge what other people do. If you can make it work, keep them at home. If you can't, find the best home you can and hire an attorney to get you started on the Medicaid process. Not everyone has the same kind of parental relationships as the next person. I don't know if I would've done this for my dad. He and I did not get along at all.
Crystal, your friend most likely CAN'T imagine life without her mother right there, as she's always been. She speaks from a place of love when she says she would never put her mom in a nursing home because that's not her reality yet. When, or if, the time comes, she may very well have no choice whatsoever. What she'll need then is compassion and a sympathetic ear from a friend who's walked that path.
Don't bother with her!