Response to a friend who claims she would never put her mom in a “home.” Any advice?

You don’t need to justify your decision about how your mom can best be cared for to anyone.

And no one knows what they will do until confronted with the reality of a loved one’s needs. Even a person without a full time job and children—that would be me—can’t be a 24/7 caregiver. The single person actually has no backup, physically or emotionally. So be careful about “judging” what your friend might be able to do.

I agree that rlynn123’s response is perfect. And I am sorry that your friend, rather than giving you support during this difficult time, has been unhelpful. Just remember that getting your mom into a place where she is safe and cared for and may even make friends allows your time and energy with her to be spent in a positive way—enjoying her company as her daughter.

I would say you just don’t know until you’ve walked in another person’s shoes. I did take care of my dad in my home, but it was very hard work and very stressful. He was terrified of nursing homes and the hospital and it was something I’m glad I was able to do. It was the right choice for his situation but for some it may cause more harm than good for everyone involved. If you can afford a decent nursing home and your mom is cared for then that is a good choice. They have fresh staff coming in at different shifts as opposed to one person doing all the work 24/7. It is especially difficult if the person has dementia as my dad did. Your friend may end up eating her words someday.

Here’s the thing. So often, caregivers feel invisible. They don’t feel as if they are seen or heard by others. The OP simply needs a friend who will listen and show compassion for how difficult her situation is.

I can’t begin to tell you how many times I felt this way. Caregivers are taken for granted and desperately need a shoulder to cry on at times and have people show support for their decisions even if they are different from what others may have decided on.

I would rather someone not say anything at all than to make a passive aggressive statement or a ridiculous one. Honestly, I would prefer that someone tell me off instead of being patronizing or passive aggressive.

Even just a smile or a hug is comforting.

I had a neighbor who never asked me how I was holding up. Her first question to me was, “How is your mom doing?” At first I thought it was sweet, but I so yearned for someone to ask ME how I was doing.

She NEVER did ask me and it hurt. So, the next time she said, “How is your mom doing?” I said, “I am okay but very tired.” She asked again a little louder, How is your ‘MOM’ doing?”

I repeated, “Oh, I have been really tired lately.” She looked puzzled. She said even louder, “I asked you how is ‘YOUR MOTHER’ is doing?

Then I said, “I know perfectly well what you asked. Forgive me for being facetious but I was making a point that I wish you would ask me how I am doing sometimes. Obviously, you didn’t get my point.”

Maybe that was rather a sarcastic thing for me to do but she caught me on a bad day when I was truly exhausted. I wanted to scream at her saying that she knew that my mom was in her 90’s with Parkinson’s disease and dementia.

Didn’t she have any common sense to know that my mother was not going to improve?

These things really work on caregivers nerves who are stuck in a rut like I was.

I am so glad that the OP recognizes that she can place her mom. Good for her! Why wouldn’t she feel good about her mom receiving 24/7 care? One person can’t do the job of others doing three shifts.

Your friend has absolutely NO CLUE about what she would do if her mother started to decline to the point where she needs constant care. And talk about insensitive! This pisses me off!
Anyway, you should tell her that she should start doing her research now if or when that happens to her mom.
My mom is in a memory care facility. She’s had Alzheimer’s for a while and my dad took care of her until he had a stroke.
My sisters and I stepped in to take care of both of them w/ a caregiver. It was very stressful.
Unfortunately, my mom fell and fractured her hip. She got surgery and has been recovering in a skilled nursing facility ever since. We see her weekly and they are taking very good care of her.
You can only do so much . If you feel the AL is what she needs for her decline then check some out.
Don’t feel guilt, don’t let your jerky friend make you feel bad about this choice.

did not read any of the other responses but I would say... "Its great you love your mom and you feel the need not to place her in an AL. I really love mine and feel I cannot give her the care she needs and deserves."
My Daddy was 6'2" and there was no way I could care for him because I work 8 hours a day. Do not let anyone bully you into do things. I have a neighbor and as my Daddy was declining she told me of how her sister-in-law would not let her husband go into a home what-ever and I told her that's great I am glad she is able to take care of her husband. I also had a friend whos husband declined and she could not take care of him herself and could not afford to have him at home. She placed him in the closest AL and sat with him everyday for as long as she could then would go home rest, then back the next day. She did this up until the day he died which was about a year.
Blessings to you! You know in your heart what needs to be done let it and Let God! Hugs

I agree w/everyone else! Only thing is, if you never confront her about her insensitivity (even gently) you will have a piece of yourself in constant unrest.
You need to stand up for yourself, even if you don't do it vehemently like we are doing for you on this site! You need to - we are here for you. Hugs!

Many people cannot 'see' (do not have the awareness) to put themselves in another's place. They only see from their own personal feelings, experience, religious (or not) values, etc. This IS your friend. She is unaware.

While it may be difficult, realize her limitations and take her 'ramblings' with a grain of salt - or better yet, dismiss them immediately. She doesn't have YOUR (nor your mom's) best interest at heart. She is limited and thus very ... unsupportive - and appears to want to vent / encourage YOU to feel GUILT (as if she was in your situation, she'd feel guilt making decisions as you are / considering ... so she cannot HELP but dump her guilt on to you).

This isn't a friend.

How would I respond?

This is very personal. She won't 'get it so why waste my time (or yours).
* I likely would stop communicating with her or have very limited interactions and very occasionally (if you want to maintain the relationship).
* You might want to say "this is how you 'feel / think' for your situation; it is not my situation with my mom. We all do what we feel is in the best interest of our loved one ... although you may NOT understand this. And, I accept that you do not understand how I feel, even though it hurts.

I would encourage you:
1. to get new friends (who support you in your situation);
1a. People / friends who DO NOT judge you/your decisions. (She cannot as she isn't developed enough to be able to do this.)
2. stop listening to this person. She will only continually trigger your (vulnerable) buttons at this time - this is painful and difficult for you as it is; you don't need another layer of pain which this person will continue to exude. She doesn't have the psychological / mental capacity to reach beyond her own little world. Feel compassion for her and stop associating with her.

Gena / Touch Matters

Your friend is VERY WISE!!! Please listen to her. If you knew of all the abuse and neglect in these homes then you would NEVER put your mom in a home either.

There are far better alternatives. If and/or when your mother does need additional care please look into home care. Where she can have people come right to her home. She need not loose everything she has just to move into a tiny room. Why do you think people die so soon after moving into these places?

If your mom needs help financially there are programs for that as well. We have one called IRIS that is wonderful.

Please listen to your friend. She is telling you from her heart what she knows is best.

God Bless her for trying to help you understand!

She has to learn her own lessons and will learn the meaning of the sentence, "Never say never."

Awww, so sorry for that discontent! I myself ended up giving up my work life for my Mom, to take care of her at home but it was a huge decision that needed my husband's full support and everything to be aligned. My kid was independent. And my Mom herself just would not have flourished. It was a blessed gift, but not all get that or need that. If she had the funds to go to AL earlier, when she could adjust, that would have been better, as she was very social and wanted that. Point is, every situation is different, and there are as many scenarios as there are people. If you do move her to an AL, move her close to you. Why not try to make her life even better by being able to visit often? Seeing her grandchild etc. Research well, find a good place, move all her favorite things in, help her adjust, and keep tabs on the place. You may actually improve her quality of life. Your friend may be jealous, too. Something to keep in mind. Just don't judge her, don't judge yourself, but truly try to do the best for your Mom and you won't regret it. Gpod luck and God bless!!

Nobody ever gets what caretaking is about until they have done more of it than they ever wanted to do. It is one of those things that one must experience. The innocent will be innocent.

ignorance is bliss.

I would tell her that it isn’t your first choice either but sometimes circumstances dictate that we have to make difficult decisions and that you hope she never has to make that same decision for her own mom.

Yup..some friends have told me that also..after their parent gets dementia I will see how well that goes for them. I choose to ignore the statements…they have no idea what our parent is like..

Do not let your friend sway you with guilt for something she’s clearly naive about.

Ignore her, or say we are trying to do what we feel best and search situation is different and then let the subject drop.

And when it happens in her family, bite your tongue so you don’t say I told you so.

If you do not want to lose your mom fast then you will not put your mom in a nursing home. No matter what. The hospitals, nursing homes and assisted living will want to take her away from you. Do not let them. I had my mom with me till the end. With my grandmom it was a different story. They did not want to release her back to me. That is how they work in this country and those people that work in those places are not what they appear. Do not let appearances deceive you. When the big bill comes in then they will put a lien on your mom's possessions. It is a disgusting system. Get help at home. Do not trust them.

you don't have to respond at all to her but if so gently explain to her that everyone has a different story to their life and because you DO love your mother so much and know you aren't in the immediate area to care for her the safest and most caring thing YOU can do would to be to ensure your mom's safety and that might necessitate AL. If she is a true friend she won't question you but support you during a stressful time, a time of making very hard decisions, and you can also say that to her in a loving and caring way too.

Easy to preach when you have NO idea what you are talking about. Mute her and do what your heart tells you.

Tell her that every situation and persons involved are different.

What works for one family does not work for others.

Crystals9369: Don't dwell on the comments of your friend. Focus on the needs of your sweet mother as you are continuing to do.

Shame on your friend for trying to make you feel less than😞. The Universe has some life lessons for her I’m sure!
I applaud you for doing “what you felt was best” in the position you were in. We assess the situation of our loved ones, we assess our physical and mental status and then we Act.

Why is putting your loved ones in a AL/NH etc…taboo? As sons,daughters, husbands,wives,neice’s,nephews ,
mil/fil, and even parents or grandparents possibly ( of children with disabilities) our duties as such is to give them the care needed, whether we can or can not do it ourselves.
We just assure the care is adequate! Ofcourse no one will love and pamper them as lovingly as we will, but we do our best to assure the care is adequate.
Best wishes💕

Sometimes I have said "Good for you".

Actually mostly I do now.. because they just haven't lived it.

But one time, with a particularly judgemental response, very similar to your friend, using 'loves her Mom SO much' blah blah, I choose to make a point. I picked that apart in 20 straight fire questions. One scenario after another.. By the end the lady had her head on the table, distraught, telling me "There was no other option left! My G*d I would have to put Mom in a home afterall!"

Then I apologized.. it was a silly thing for me to do I suppose - to prove my point. She apologized for being judgemental.

We agreed that you can LOVE someone but also NEED to move them into a care home. That home care is not always possible. Or can work for a time but has a stopping point. She then understood.

I guess your friend’s I response might be one of the reasons you aren’t super close with this friend anymore. Clearly she lacks the ability to understand everyone’s situation is different. You can’t judge or quantify love. Your decision is the best decision for you. She’s looking for a big, fat, pat on the back that’s she’s somehow more caring than other people.

And….she has no idea what she’s in for…

I had a "friend" that said this several times in front of me, knowing my situation. I am an only child, both parents had strokes within 2 weeks of each other, mom had cancer, need f/t care then, after she passed, dad's Parkinson's progressed to dementia and needing fulltime care. He outlived all family, it's just me and my husband and we have a teen daughter who needs us. Dad had no funds to get 24/7 home care, only option was SNF. She judged me because I had to do that and made deragatory comments. She is no longer my friend. There were other issues but this was the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. People that haven't been in your shoes with caregiving have no room to talk or judge, and do not understand how hard it is. One day she will. But I decided a real friend wouldn't purposefully say hurtful things like that to me, so I let the friendship go. It was the right decision for me, she was always negative and not having that in my life when I am going thru such a hard time with my dad has been the best thing for me.

First of all. Everyone has their option and it’s ok. I agree with her. But then again , no in e e er truly knows what they would do. But in their hearts and mines they feel this is what they believe they would do. Just bc u have family doesn’t mean you’ll can’t work help momma. The world is a bad place everyone is not good. It’s a few in a million who cares. What makes u think if u don’t want to deal with ur own family others certainly don’t . They’re just getting paid. U don’t know what some ppl say to them out of anger for example ur family don’t want u that’s y ur here. They could be abusive. It’s a money thing a business. I heard some ppl say that and it happened to some ppl I know they get missed treated some not all. If ur rich maybe u get treated better. I don’t know. I hated when my mom moved to another state. I told her keep ur house stay in ur home never go to a nursing home. No one was there for her when she passed. We begged her to stay with one of her children or near so we all could take turns grands all to check on her. My mom was feisty and hot headed. No one ever ever wants to be in an unfamiliar place. Everyone wants to be where they had fond memories and ppl they love dearly. Just bc u get old shouldn’t mean u get tossed aside. Our parents took care of us. We should do the same. What u do to ur parents ur kids will do to u. I’m saying this as a whole to everyone. Love matters, ppl matter and one day when ur in those shoes than u would see clearly when it’s to late. Some ppl see ahead others it’s too too late. Pray and God Bless and do ur best.

You respond by saying "because I love my mom, I want her to be safe and as healthy as can be. This is how I am doing just that."

I was that person. 57, never married, no kids, the youngest of three sisters, and my mother, with whom I'm very close, lived with me. She's my best friend. I always said - and meant it! - that I would never put her in a nursing home. We even joked, morbidly, that I was going to keep her around even after death. She's 92 and her health has been declining for the past couple of years, but up until last year, she was still driving, shopping by herself, and gardening. With the exception of a decline in her short-term memory, I had no worries about her ability to take care of herself on a daily basis.

Seven months ago, I found her on the floor, mid-seizure. Overnight, she went from a vibrant, intellectual woman to a scared, angry child who threatened suicide if I didn't bring her home and wondering why I hated her so much to do this to her. God bless my coworkers and my job for indulging my complete despair and tears because I just didn't know what in the hell I was going to do. It took a case manager at the hospital telling me that she would need 24 hour care and that for me to be able to do it, I was going to have to call in every favor I've ever made to everyone I know. The thing is, we live in this city by ourselves. My sisters are two hours away. Mom's many grandkids are scattered around the state. There was nobody to help or pick up the slack. So, I had no choice but to put her in a nursing home. I thought of every option I could and nothing was viable. But, I promise you, if I could, I would bring her back home today. I miss seeing her every day, desperately. I can't imagine how I made it through Christmas without losing my mind

I don't judge what other people do. If you can make it work, keep them at home. If you can't, find the best home you can and hire an attorney to get you started on the Medicaid process. Not everyone has the same kind of parental relationships as the next person. I don't know if I would've done this for my dad. He and I did not get along at all.

Crystal, your friend most likely CAN'T imagine life without her mother right there, as she's always been. She speaks from a place of love when she says she would never put her mom in a nursing home because that's not her reality yet. When, or if, the time comes, she may very well have no choice whatsoever. What she'll need then is compassion and a sympathetic ear from a friend who's walked that path.

I was convinced of the same before I was put in the position, although I never would have imposed my naive beliefs on someone else. Once I was in the position, I realized I had to ensure every meal was prepared and eaten. Every pill had to be administered on time. Every healthcare aide would need to be vetted and trained. There would be many of them. Every 3:00am disturbance would need to be addressed, just in case it was a medical emergency. Someone would need to be in attendance 24/7. Any falls would require immediate attention. Until reliable and knowledgeable aides were secured, this meant there would be no time available for career, relationships, or one’s own personal needs. Personal health quickly becomes a factor. Most importantly, a senior’s health emergency could only be addressed once 911 was called and had arrived. I cared for my mom a number of months before I understood I was not capable of the task. I was not interested in inheriting my mother’s assets. My priority was in her personal safety and welfare. It is easy to have lofty ambitions when you’re not in the trenches fighting the battle. It’s always easiest to judge that which you don’t understand firsthand.

No one to worry about and she says SHE would not do what you are doing?
Don't bother with her!