Crystals9369 Asked December 2022
Response to a friend who claims she would never put her mom in a “home.” Any advice?
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The promise I made to my mom is that I will keep her as safe, secure, healthy, and happy as possible. The location where those things can best be done will vary with her needs.
My mom is 91 years old. She moved to live close to me 7 years ago, and still lives in her own home with a lot of support from me. We picked her home specifically for the layout that would work best for aging in place, and made a few moditifcations on top of that so we can be ready to address several scenarios that might come up.
My mom is extremely happy in her home. But, she knows that, if she needs short term rehabilitative care, long term skilled nursing, or hospice palliative care I will move her to the location where she can receive the most appropriate care.
It is important to me that I enjoy my role, and not be worn out by providing basic care. If her health has a prolonged decline, I want to spend my time with her sitting by her bedside, listening to her stories, holding her hand, and making sure her pillow is fluffed and her feet are warm. I do not want to spend the final days/weeks/months of her life run ragged trying to do everything simply because I promised to keep her at home.
My mom is a former nurse and cared for her parents in their home. We are both very realistic to know I cannot do everything that might come our way. She is a true partner in the decisions, and I appreciate our conversations where she tells me what she wants. There is so much peace that comes when you know what your parent wants, they know they can trust you to care for them and all the necessary legal paperwork is done to ensure it can happen.
I wish everyone is able to find that kind of peace.
Best of luck with your Mom. I hope you find kind hearted support where ever you go.
So is it necessary to take those differences personal or even attacking other peoples' wishes "shameful"?
In this forum, are there people taking care of spouse or parent at home by family members or hired-home care without going to AL or SNF? If yes, why is that "wish" "shameful"?
Bottom line is that we are all individuals. The person who is thrust into our care is also an individual. I had hoped to keep my Mom in her home until she died. I even put all my stuff into storage and started a new adult life so that I could help her stay in her home. Alas, I found out that I'm not cut out for this caregiving business. However, I know that I tolerate the shenanigans better and worse than professional caregivers. That is because I am an individual and my Mom is an individual.
It doesn't matter if a person is married or not, with kids or not, he/she/they/them. We each are individuals.
If you want to keep the friendship, I would suggest that you just steer clear on the caregiving topic. However, if that is a topic that you want to discuss, then you need to make the decision on whether to keep the friendship or let it go.
She is entitled to have her opinion just as you are entitled to have your opinion. Now you have to decide whether you want to continue the friendship or not.
How would I respond if that situation happened to me? After the "shock" wore off, I would stop the person from continuing the train of discussion and say "I value our friendship. Let's change the conversation to something else and agree to disagree on this aspect of caregiving."
I often see people on this forum say they would never place their parent in a facility, I call that shaming. No one has the same situation as you or anyone else.
I am half a mile away and I can tell you, you will still be very busy and involved.
my best to you and your Mom
We all have those friends.
I generally respond to end this type of conversation, talk to me when you do year or more of caregiving.
People show their ignorance all of the time because of their lack of experience. Their was a time in my life when I was extremely naive about caregiving.
It would be nice if your friend could keep her insensitive remarks to herself. She most likely feels that she is speaking the absolute truth. She may have good intentions or she may be passive aggressive. Only you can make that call.
You certainly have a right to be upset because her comments aren’t logical at all. People are often narrow minded.
Why should she expect everyone else to see things exactly she does? You know that you are entitled to your own opinion. She should respect your opinion regardless of it being different than hers.
Is she a person who is naturally argumentative?
If you have tried to explain and she is overly defensive then she has a problem. You can’t reason with people like this.
For what it’s worth, the majority of people on this forum will stand behind you.
Believe me when I say to you first hand that you made the smarter decision to place your mother.
I had my mom with me for over a decade living in my home. It’s incredibly difficult.
I was caught off guard and vulnerable at the time I decided to take mom in. She suddenly became homeless due to hurricane Katrina.
I didn’t see how complicated things would become with long term caregiving. I had no frame of reference. My parents didn’t care for their parents.
When our family decided to move mom into a hospice home it was the best decision for her. She was well cared for by a professional staff and died peacefully.
Just tell her to change a couple hundred adult diapers, clean up a few blowouts, spend all day several days a week seeing countless doctors, get awakened from a rare moment of sleep by her mother screaming because she dropped her tv remote, etc.
And THEN see if she can make that statement with absolute conviction.
The generous response is to wish that she will never come to know better. Have that thought first, and then if you still want to ask her how her comments are supposed to make you feel.
And you can also stick out your tongue and flip birds behind her back.
Most of these critics have never walked into these new AL/MC facilities, I have two LO's in an upscale real nice home, they are well cared for and safe.
I may have kept my Mom with me if it was just because she had mild health problems or financial problems. But Dementia is a whole other thing. Its like taking care of a small child but in reverse. I had Mom for 20 months. Dementia is just too unpredictable for me who likes order. She had so much freedom in an AL unlike my house.
We all do what we have to. Our families are our #1 priority. What our spouses want is important. If there are options, I am for trying them first. I loved my Dad but he was not an easy man to live with. I married someone the complete opposite. I told my brothers years ago, I was not caring for him if Mom passed first. He would be their responsibility. If they did not want to do the physical caring, then he would go to AL or LTC. Which I really don't think he would mind. New people to tell his stories to. Never had to make that decision, he passed before Mom.
As said, give her another chance. Tell her what she said really hurt you. That sometimes allowing other people care for a LO gives you time to enjoy them without all the stress. And tell her there is stress because you now have the care of another person and all that goes with it. Me, it was a house I couldn't get rid of. Putting out money on it that could have gone for Moms care. My SIL it was cleaning up Credit Card debt and making sure Mom didn't spend the money she needed to live on. I like the response "Never say Never" you have no idea whats ahead for you.
I can see why you were taken aback by what your friend said, that she loved her Mother. Making it sound like you don't love your Mom. Placing a parent or love one into Assisted Living/Memory Care/Nursing Home is also "love" because now it takes a village to help them with every day life.
You'd be surprised at the number of people who say they would never put a love one into assisted living or a nursing home. Families will pass down from one generation to the next how these places were horrid, frightening, dark and dank. Yes, back in the early 1900's, usually one was place in a County Asylum as doctors were not that familiar with major memory loss.
Instead, the assisted living/nursing homes of today are more like living in a hotel. I know my Dad was so surprised at how nice the place was, that he wanted to sign on the dotted line right away. He wanted so much to be around people his own age :)
It's also like we see on TV commercials of a grandparent moving in and enjoying the family, helping out, playing tennis, etc. The commercials don't show what really can happen when it comes to Alzheimer's/Dementia and other medical conditions that need constant care.
Too bad your friend acted the way she did. Sounds like maybe other relatives and other friends were telling her that her Mom needs more care.
Your friend hasn't yet been faced with a crisis situation so she's very sure of what she 'would' and 'would not' ever do. "Always" and "Never" are two words most of us grown up's learn to stop using after we're gobsmacked with reality once too often.
When your friend suffers a crisis with her mother that she 'loves so much and would never put in a home', she'll change her tune in a New York minute once faced with the reality of a challenge she cannot handle herself. Then you'll be tempted to say "I told you so" but you won't b/c you are a REAL friend, and not a person who says ugly things to bolster her own sense of self worth.
Let your friend's rants go in one ear and out the other b/c you're way too busy tending to more important matters right now, like the mother YOU love and need to attend to. I'd also rethink this 'friendship' b/c to me, a friend is someone who stands by me during my times of need. She doesn't pass judgement over me for my choices, but rather lifts me UP with positive words & reinforcement instead, offering to help me in any way possible. If your friend cannot find it within herself to do that, then what kind of friend is she?
When I first met my husband's extended family, I remember one of them bragging (in a very superior tone of voice) to me about how their *entire* family gets along. This was in response to my comments about not being on friendly terms with my dad's family, especially once he had passed away (when I was still a teenager), due to the rotten way they treated me, my sisters and my mom. I just smiled and made polite noises about how nice that must be! And you know what happened once my husband's grandparents passed away? You guessed it - that whole side of the family is now at each other's throats over inheritances.
Whether or not your "friend" is sincere in her belief now or is just trying out her "holier than thou" underwear should really be of no difference to YOU and your decisions about what is in your *mom's* best interests - and if mom can no longer live alone without help, it *is* in her best interests to be someplace where she can live safely.
You have nothing to feel guilty about; nor for which to apologize. And to cause yourself unnecessary agony over her uneducated comment is really just a waste of your time.
own independence!
Thankful we want nothing, nor expected anything, from either side, and had to build a life for ourselves. We watched youngest children stay stuck at home, until the folks are now old, and need help, and the no longer youngest sibling, is now a full grown mid 20 something, now 30 something, and choosing to stay comfy, where all the conveniences are, and before you know it, yea, our folks need full time help, cause the same way they forced her to not fend for herself, is what YS set up with them! They stopped sending gif themselves, choosing to have her be their full time only caregiver. The three older sibling were not consulted.
I learned to work young, so did second downs us, and third. Youngest learned to be comfortable, somewhat spoiled. I love her dearly but she has no clue. And I have no clue what it is to be a caregiver, cause I have not been allowed. I get annoyed when I read repeatedly that those of us that do not help, do not want to. Just like not all drunks, gave a family background of drunks in the family. Not always, each case is individual. I have only good wishes that my sister, will be ok at the end of this journey. And if she gets everything, if will not necessarily be fair, but not going to lose sleep over her windfall. Only she knows all details, as the golden one, in our family.
ignorance and insensitivity . I wouldn’t just throw away a long time friendship just because of one conversation.
You have responded in the way I probably would have. No response IS a response.
Seems like your friend has possibly been groomed to become her mother's caregiver. She can't see it any other way.
You have wonderful comments below. Use any one you like. Ultimately, the real reason it doesn't matter what you respond is that this person is very unlikely to be your "friend" in future. She has just shown you who she really is, and you are smart enough to get it. Forgive her, and move on.
We are always so hurt by this sort of person that we ruminate on such comments for days, for hours, thinking "I SHOULD have said......" over and over again.
Your friend is either "mean" or so "clueless" that spending time on any response to her will be of no avail. Just see to it that she doesn't change your own GRIEF to the other G-word, "guilt"; because as she showed you, words matter.
You didn't do anything to cause this, and you have no power to make it all better. Not everything can be fixed. YOU have learned that now the hard way. Your friend's lessons are still on the horizon.
My very best to you, and I wish HER luck.
I already have Burnt's post to me about "Uhhh you're going to have to house her elsewhere" in my head. To be fair, my mom already does know of this possibility. And it's so terribly bad with my mom cause she is still "recording" memory albeit fitfully so she remembers this, is aware of the possibility etc.
If it were possible to recommend your friend to a list, a miles long list, of helpful stories, from people who absolutely always loved their mothers and still love their mothers desperately who do not have been the slightest dysfuntion in their family dynamic between at least *themselves* and their mother... she would see... there are limits. They can be mental, physical, financial, social, phsyiological, heck you can even throw in spiritual if you like.
Psssh. Show her this forum. Tell her to take a read-through. :p
People think of caregiving very differently when they aren't actually doing it.
It's easy for people to criticize and offer helpful "advice" when they have no idea what they're talking about.
No parent who actually loves and cares about their children would ever try to extract the promise to not put them or the other parent "in a home". I find it absolutely disgusting when aging parents do this with their adult children and they all of who do should be ashamed of themselves.
Also, I believe you may have misquoted me. I don't think I'd ever start a sentence with, "Uhhh". I really don't.
Every caregiver is different, every person with challenges be it dementia, mobility, other health problems is different.
What YOU chose for you and your loved one is the right choice for you and your family.
I said early on in my Husbands diagnosis that I would keep him home as long as it was safe for HIM for me to care for him and as long as it was safe for ME to care for him.
So safety was my proverbial "line in the sand".
Safety is not just physical safety but mental, emotional as well.
For some it might be incontinence or just the time that it takes. There are caregivers that work and have families of their own.
It is also very easy to say "Oh, I would never put mom in a "nursing home". Well, until you have cared for someone 24/7 you have no clue as to what it is like. Talk to me after you have been a caregiver for a month with no break.
The choice to place someone in Memory Care or a Skilled Nursing facility is not an easy choice and I imagine HOURS of agonizing thought goes into making this decision. It is not an easy one emotionally or financially. Then once the decision is made comes the task of finding a place that is acceptable knowing that none of them are "perfect". Then comes the unwarranted "guilt" that goes with the decision.
So if you feel the need to comment simply say.. "you are very lucky that you can do that" but I would not even get into the discussion with them. Not worth it talk politics or religion something less touchy...🤣
I wished her happy birthday, on FB messenger, hoping to avoid a phone call, because they end badly. She says whatever she wants, and doesn’t allow me to express my opinions, and past family experiences, without forcing her “correct” opinion on me, or telling me things are different, she’s just a lot. She called me, the conversation went bad, like always, cause at age 63, I’m done having my auntie force her opinions on me, as tho hers are correct, and mine are wrong.
She lost my uncle at age 55, and her daughter, same age ish as my youngest sister, still lives at home with her, expected to keep her out of a nasty, horrible nursing home, and she is not shy about saying that is her job. I tend to not share my strong opinions, that are very opposite. My sister never left home either, and at age 49, neither of them likely will, as they are taking care of the parent/s, who took care of them.
No more. I wrote her a text, and while it took her almost a week to open it, she finally did. It explained, with all the love in my heart, that I’m allowed my opinion, and in the future, topics that go wrong between us, are best avoided, if she doesn’t care to hear my opinions, and thoughts as well. Period. Told her I am a grown woman, and done having her treat me like a child, and bully me, in the same manner my two youngest sisters do. My auntie’s mind is as sharp as when she was in her 20’s.
It took me way too long to stand up for myself, and so just telling you to do the same, well, I know it is tough. But all the answers I read before mine, were wonderful! Tell her next time what is in your heart, cause you want to be able to maintain a good friendship, and you are allowed to have a different opinion. If she answers back, the way my third down sister did, write her off, walk away, cause it isn’t worth it. I’m still waiting for my auntie to answer me, and hoping she did feel how much love, was in my words. I’m patient, and will wait for her to write back. She knows how I feel, saying it nicely, but firmly, mattered. Good luck.