Does anyone else experience rude treatment from your loved one's helper?

At one time I was the caregiver. I was treated rudely by the family. I was trying my very best to take good care of their loved one and that was not good enough. So it happens on both sides. Finally I had to quit, it was an impossible situation.

I have a nightmare with a foster home Berry Patch in Springfield,OR Mom trust this people now more than her family that wants to move her out of there she not right but this foster home had a lawyer APS and other in on all this my mother was all right to move out of there but 2 days later she said I'm not moving I love it here ect. as this foster home has corcerd her so much. I can't belive the shit they get away with

Thanks. I am unable to take care of him. I am not in good health and I cannot lug him around, lift him, etc. I have already had hernia repair surgery with mesh and he is close to a foot taller than me and around 200 lbs. I also have a young child that I need to stay semi-healthy for.
My husband is not in good health and works close to 50 hours a week. We found out today there is a push to get hospice involved after he threatned to kill himself. We are stepping away as much as possible because he is simply not worth killing ourselves over. It is now in the hands of his nurses and soon to be hospice. He has lived his life and we have a young child to live for. If he didn't need us, he wouldn't have any contact anyway.

You know, you are all right. My father was in the hospital again with another UTI, Pnemonia. Unfortunately, his UTI was a super bug and he was not responding to antibiotics and at the young age of 80, this really played havoc with him, and also his dementia. When dad was in the hospital, I called him a bed jumper. He would be out of bed standing, before the alarm went off. Long story short....this is why I decided to stay with him night after night. I was exhausted....but I knew the nurses could not watch him like he needed to be watched and the last thing we needed was for him to fall and add a broken whatever to all of his other problems. I guess what I am trying to say is, you will never find anyone (more than likely) that will take care of your loved one like you will. You either make the commitment to do it yourself....if you are able to. Or do your very best .....and research and get a teddy cam and everything else you can do, so that you and your loved ones can be at peace. Sometimes they slip through the cracks.....all you can do is your best!

Oh Lordy Lordy, we have that problem in my husband's family-his mother. My MIL told family and friends the most horrific things about us and everyone reacted to her words....until I asked what we had done to "earn their rudeness", now we are all on same team. To others she accuses us of: throwing all her clothes away (we do b/c medical contamination b/c she poops on herself): denying her food (we must deny foods she can no longer eat due to severe digestive issues) : stealing her cell phone (it was in her hand as she was clawing at me while screaming at me): stealing her money (we only use her money to pay for her medical co-pays and prescriptions - we cover 100% housing and food and everything else): locking her up in the house and never letting her leave (until she is more steady and she complies with PT and Dr she is not allowed to drive and/or be in public places for fear she will feign a fall or accuse us of "ditching her and leaving" (history here). Old adage: we should all only believe what we see with our own eyes....it seems that our elders don't want anyone to like us....[middle school anyone]? Eddie is right...period. I'm an emotional thinker so I would need to know why, try to talk with the nurse to see if there's any reason she's been offended. On another note: be aware of what she is saying to her nurses and your loved one. Best of luck and bless you.

Thanks Castle. No, there is no way to get backing from her or an MD over a hearing aide. She won't help us on the issue andhe refuses to go to a doctor anymore. There is an agency that has a franchise (covers our state and a few others) and they send out a nurse practictioner who fills his perscriptions. The last doctor he went to told him like it is and because he didn't flirt and talk baby talk and whisper sweet nothings in his ear, my father-in-law refused to go back and switched to another doctor in the practice. The practice moved to a new location and he refuses to go.
The agency has told me to lie to my father-in-law and tell them that the nurse practioner is a doctor. I told them I'm not lying to anyone and what do I say when he demands new perscriptions that only a doctor can give? She said, "well, that is something to think about I guess."
After tracking down the last mess for over an hour, my husband just told me he received a text message from his fathers nurse saying he needed to pick up a prescription for his dad and to text her his responses and not to call her.
So I will no longer be contacting her for anything as I do not have a phone that can text unless I am with my husband at the time.

Sounds like a complex situation, with key changes likely needed, and care conversations need a bit less haste. Sounds as if you have had a complex conversations in range of your FIL's hearing, and if he tends to shout "No!" - that is not a conversation where you can sort out what's happening. Better chance of working out changes is to not expect quick, informal conversations. Thank FIL for input, reassure him, wait until issue has calmed, then ask the RN to talk with you in a different room if you want to pass on important info, or write the info in her notebook, maybe also communicate with her agency and ask her to call you if any questions.

With hearing aide, that is in your discretion to make the suggestion, maybe even find an MD and schedule an appt. Elders often object to them, for they don't realize how hard it is for others to shout! You can ask for the home-carer's help in persuading him. Do you read the care notes? That can help you get onto the same wavelength as the caregiver, instead of arriving like the 5th wheel, when she has struggled to develop and implement her own strategies to reach your father in law and keep his care moving forward.

You may very well have a person who acts unprofessional, if she brings her husband over there - did you not ask her to explain precisely what she meant by saying, because "she felt it best"? That question needed to be asked, of her and also her supervisor. And it may well be that you are not comfortable with her methods and can ask for her to be replaced, you always have that option.

Yes, family have the need to follow what is going on, and they have the say - it's just that among different family members there are often conflicting expectations given, and on-site care people naturally get to know the pt better than the family. The whole process of reaching and persuading your father in law to cooperate with care, can be a real challenge, and she may have struggled to find peace and keep things moving well, and some smiles and flirting may do the trick and be understood between them, if she sets clear limits, as a joking way to get around his belligerence. That's not my style, but I've seen it from some others, who also understand how to keep it in context, and keep things in line. Dealing with a man who shouts "No!" on a regular basis and cannot hear is no picnic, and aides often have to figure out how to get on that person's side, so that they will cooperate with care needs - and aides do that in different ways, seeing cooperation as the goal, and some have better skills than others. So, it's not the problem unless someone has missed setting boundaries, and that help can be given to them not see them as awful.

After struggles to gain cooperation from difficult persons, it can be momentarily challenging to have family arrive with other issues, be unaware of the aides's struggles and gains, expecting her to suddenly grasp their ideas, described on the spot rather than planning a time for an individual, quieter conversation.

One agency in Mass that has set up a closed computer communication program for each case, and each aide writes their daily notes into the file, which is sent to all family members involved, and family members can comment - this way the complex challenges that are faced and addressed by the long term person in the home, are mentioned and considered and addressed by family as it goes along - a better way than having very separate involvements over time, which the on-site caregiver is addressing, and finding plans that leave out her challenges. I think the industry has major flaws in planning for supervision, but it is not background checks and worries about thieves that are the biggest issue - though those are essential elements to pre-check - but good supervisory practises of following up care in ways that are respectful to the caregiver and the family, different members with different ideas, with the middle man being an agency supervisor - lots of room for folks with few standards for good supervisory methods for getting at details with respect for all.

Then, issues can be explored, give someone the benefit of the doubt and arrange for later feedback - and if it doesn't work out, change the care person. That process takes time but dealing with a difficult elder who is losing abilities is a SLOW and challenging and evolving process, so families who expect instant understanding, would do better to ask questions when issues arise, not just focus on the care plans, for those who do in home care, know it's not easy.

It is actually my father-in-law. It doesn't matter if she is great with him, no one should have to suck anything up, she should be professional.
I met her after she had been a visiting nurse for awhile. My father-in-law had one of his "emergercies" and his power-of-attorney was changed, then changed again, then the man died and my husband and I had alerted the 2nd in command. She asked us if the person knew and my father-in-law screaming (as he usually does) said, "no." I tried to inform her quitetly that the person had been informed and give her the info and she just got smart. I tried to tell her my father-in-law desperatly needs a hearing aid and she smart-assed back, "well, he doesn't want one." I then told her that I don't want to yell all the time, which is why I say little.
The television is so loud (which he refuses to turn down) that you can hear it through a brick house, a security door and in the driveway with the car doors closed and the windows rolled up. A caring professional care giver would encourage a hearing aid (and yes it is the type of hearing loss a hearing aid would help).
While there, she made a remark of a sexual nature and my husband and I feels she flirts with him. Her last name on her cell phone does not match her work name and on a recent visit (husband came by unannounced), she had brought her husband because, "she felt it best." Then after she leaves, my father-in-law begins yelling at my husband that he never wants her to bring her husband back in his house again.
We recently had to call her about a perscription. She called back the next day, took 10 seconds for the call and hung up without giving us complete info. It took me an hour to track down all the information of what was needed because she was in plain speak: a jerk.
My father-in-law has 2 nurses, 2 house cleaners and expects my husband to check on him 2-3 times per day. He curses and screams if we are not at his door in 5 minutes (it takes 15-20 to drive to his sanctuary). My husband is giving it until spring and then is going to tell him to find full-time help. He cannot work 50 hours a week and do this too.

References, references, references. There are many, many wonderful caregivers out there and some 'bad apples'. The only way to ensure that you'll get a good one is to ask for references and call them. Agencies can be a great way to go (and, if you're not paying the bill, may be the only way to get the care paid for), but don't rule out asking friends for anyone who knows of a companion. Very often, a licensed caregiver isn't really necessary. If your father-in-law just needs a little help getting around and someone to serve him meals and help around the house, a companion can provide that. There are pluses and minuses, but it can be a good solution for many situations.

I am a caregiver with Visiting Angels and have worked for our local agency for two years. I can honestly tell you that each aide hired must undergo background check and drug screening on a regular basis. We have monthly in-service covering a range of issues that face our clients and us as caregivers. We are all certified in demintia care. What I have read shocks and saddens me as I am sure it is all very true. Might I suggest that families look for a reputable agency such as Visiting Angel's.
BBB, Angie's list and I am appalled at what I have read, I can tell you that

JOYCE:

Main visiting nurse might be treating you like some sort of "fifth wheel intruder," but the bottom line is that you don't have to take that kind of treatment. Doesn't matter whom, doesn't matter when, doesn't matter where. Make that clear to her.

Rudeness is not an acceptable behavior on the part of the caregiver to the family. Period. It indicates a lack of respect and indifference and may signal an inappropriate attempt to align themselves with the patient in order to curry favors from an unsuspecting and emotionally vulnerable person. Is it frequent? Blatant? Was it an accidental event for which an apology was immediately forthcoming? If not, it is then likely to be an escalating problem: if they can get away with small indiscretions in behavior, the probability is that they may increase.

Have you quietly and clearly addressed the problem with the caregiver, not in a confrontational manner, but in a questioning way in order to clear the air? Your father may have really poisoned the waters, so speak, but qualified caregivers usually understand family dynamics and if present family members are loving, attentive and respectful to the parent they get treated by the caregiver in kind. Are you going in being bossy and commanding? Even if just out of frustration and concern? That will certainly confirm any bad stories Dad may have said, even if they were not true.

You are clearly the employer if writing the check even if Dad lives independently. If not, are you the legal guardian for your father? Contact the resource where you found this person and get them to address this problem immediately. If this is not successful I would get them replaced. They may "sweetie pie" your Dad in from of you, but heaven only knows what goes on in your absence. I am quite fond of the "nanny cams" when there is no one at home to watch just what happens. If the caregiver is wonderful and a jerk to you, then so be it. Deal with it. if the caregiver is manipulating Dad in your absence, then you need to act to remove her immediately.

Look at the evidence: is he clean, eating, any unusual bruises on his body, does he seem overly exhausted when she has been there? or, he the opposite of all these things, seems well and content and the nurse is just witchy to you? The bottom line may be that she is great with Dad and hates you, so suck it up.

You need more data to decide.

Sorry - better focus my reply above, more explicitly to the topic. My company was called a few times, with reports of my rudeness. I found it so demoralizing because every time, I did not know how to explain my perspective, to outside observers, and it was horrible, that the family was encouraged to deal with the agency, not the aide (me) directly, which could have resolved issues. The family who complained that I was not walking behind, holding the man's belt - added a few other items, and I was reprimanded, after agreeing to go over there on Thanksgiving, because no other carers could be found. I noted they had the wrong size seat on the toilet, which was the cause of chronic accidents, and they found the input valuable, but when the daughter later arrived and heard of my coments, she called and said I was opinionated. My boss agreed and said she would put these things in my file - and it was not until a few months later, that my boss told me (in our rare conversations) that this family had rejected every carer they sent, and was very difficult to deal with. Or another family where a daughter cared for her father at home, and had a strict list of how to deal with the father, including how to get him out of bed, oversee, etc, a huge list. I appreciated the structure and input, but she had no idea how to hold back some impatience, and allow me to add my expertise related to mobility, and gave me instructions just before I was about to do them - when I showed some frustration, as I was concentrating very attentively, to watch her father, make sure there were no risks spots, she would correct me or instruct, and when I showed momentary frustration, she called my company and complained. Another time, I supervised a pt in a hospital setting, and worked my tail off making sure that every wish was well met, and she fell asleep - but the pt in the next bed had diarreah, and had been operated on that day, and you can imagine the cries for help - and after chasing down hospital aides to help her get up to the commode 4 times, reassuring her while she waited, trying to keep all calm so my pt could sleep, I looked exasperated, and that was also reported to my company! So, I give those examples to note that direct care demands attention and resourcefulness, and though there are some aides, like those described, who find their own ways of getting paid (!) - that is terrible, it is just that the subtle ways aides find to pace themselves and do their best, are not visible to outsiders, even other healthcare officials, while the list of frustrations with aides can be long. I have no problem with someone having a nap, even a male - as long as they are able to hear the pt clearly, use a baby monitor if it is not in the same room, and they see it as their role to jump to alert attention, at any sound.

This list is so great, it is wonderful to hear the different stories - it works so well to have them all organized by topic! On this issue. So many feelings for me, for I was a loving, caring, attentive, respectful caregiver for elders - and I usually found one or two that I really liked, and worked with them over 3-4 years, my last one 7. They often very old (mid 90s +), independent women, and men - who took no mood medications, but needed help not only with a few healthcare issues, but were also mobile and valued help with ways to cope with motivation and hope through the years of their declining abilities - when their children by then were also old. There was one daughter who was 85, and would leave her nursing home once a year, to travel to visit her mother in her assisted living facility where she received 24 hour care at 108 - daughter slept in her spare bed when she came.

On the topic. Working for an agency, I have found that most caregivers try to bring kindness and care, and each one has their different ways of pacing themselves, and all try to deal with the patient's moods that can be difficult as the person ages and they lose their memory and imagine they can do a lot more than they can, or have the same conversation 40 times. The caregiver gets to know the patient, and sometimes I have found it very difficult to later shift gears, when a family relative arrives, for they have their own memories of the person, their own understandings, and these are often outdated. I learned most of my skills in dealing with balance and mobility, and also belligerence and memory issues, from my years of responsibility for my youngest brother with brain injury, not from formal nurses aide training. I found my flexibility an asset, not a detriment, for I knew to watch for adjacent issues when one issue was resolved, and handle each one promptly, which I knew reassured my brother - and later, my patients. But it is a thankless job, when the elder's mind deteriorates, and family, long distant, come back on the scene, and if the elder has developed alzheimers and forgets the caregiver and wants above all, to please the daughter - one finds oneself ignored. I learned to use the pt's energy and planning for any parts of mobility that they can, which I believe retains their mental abilility and sense of competence, but family arrrived and called my agency to complain because I was not following behind him with my hand on his belt. I found my what had evolved over years as my real work ignored by my agency, who only hired carers to do set list of nursing aide tasks, not to provide any other reassurance, companionship, unique friendship which can develop - all that is not seen as part of the job.

I don't know the solution, but I see the issues as a major gap in healthcare services, for both family and aides could use some training in how to communicate with each other, so that you don't have some charismatic aides doing all the communicating with family, or just the agency - when the real help and healing and reassurance are coming from someone left invisible.

We have had some bad experiences also.Had caregivers in the past who removed medications,mainly for pain,clothes,towels etc.Had one who was grilling some meat,for my grandmother,and poured lighter fluid on the meat and served it to her!I hired a male nurse,who told me he was tired,and would take naps on the couch,and several others who said,;You arent going to make me get up again,are you?:We went thru several,before we found the correct one,hired thru a reputable company.

I agree with ellantz, yes that is a real issue at times. I know from experience how needy can translate into stories. What to do? I am not sure.

In addition to the very real possibilities indicated above, I can also think of the following:
The loved one is very needy for attention, and plays a victim to the caregiver by fabricating a relationship of neglect and abuse by his family. An untrained and inexperienced caregiver with her own psychological agenda assumes the role of savior angel to the loved one, and forms inappropriate and untrue judgements of the loved one's family, and openly expresses hostility and disdain for them.

OMG yet again another pitfall for those needing help taking care of their loved ones. I can tell you of one incident I had non related to my mother. I met a woman through a friend of mine she was a CNA. She was in my apt and the next day, I couldn't find my necklace; I was invited to her house for dinner and just let it go. We were at the table and she had these lovely cut glass wine glasses, and I said they were lovely. She smiled and said she took them off the woman she takes care of because she was being so bad that day. I was horrified. I got up and walked out and never spoke to her again. People will take advantage of others because they think in some perverse way they are entitled. I am sure that there are good carers out there but there are a lot that are not and only looking to take advantage. I don't know what the solution is other than to ask around, I hear there is Angies List, never went on it but maybe it would be helpful.

Unfortunately, I think this will be a constant problem.....for those who need care, AND for those in the caregiving industry who are really trying to be upstanding. Sooo many people have flooded this field because it takes so little to "qualify" for the job, consequently, you have caregivers who really do not have any specialized training in the field. AND it doesn't help that Home Healthcare agencies are completely UNregulated by any branch of authority that would hold them to a standard of accountability. So many unemployed can easily get hired at these agencies, or hire themselves out privately for $$$$ under the table, that it's downright scary who could be walking into the homes of our elderly. Do not EVER assume that just because you've hired someone through an agency that they know what they are doing. Only time will tell that. I do speak from experience, as my in-laws have to have round the clock care for my father-in-law who is completely paralyzed on one side as the result of a stroke, and who also suffers moderate dementia. The last agency they hired sent caregivers that we now know, ended up working together as a team to rob valuables out of the house when my mother-in-law would go out to her own doctor's appts. or grocery shopping. Even though police reports were filed and we immediately dropped that agency, no arrests were ever made and none of their belongings have been found or returned. We believe they got in "good" with my father-in-law and got him to divulge the secrets of where all the valuables were hidden around the home, took them while mother-in-law would be out of the house, knowing she would not immediately be checking these spots on a daily basis, and then dear father-in-law, because of his dementia would never remember anything! (And even if he did.....who would believe a man with dementia would know what he was talking about?)

I have racked my brain to try to find a *real* solution to the caregiver (integrity) issue. I still don't have any good answers. : ( It just seems that every "solution" is only a trade-off that leads to some other kind of problem.

Moms caregiver, from an agency, told me very rudely "I work for your mother, not you". Funny, how when mom was running low on funds, this caregiver didn't mind taking a check from me on my own personal account. My experience with a paid caregiver was horrendous. Moms gone now. but my husband or i ever find ourselves in need of help, i hope i NEVER have to hire someone again. I was in constant contact with my mom, we lived a few miles apart, talked to her or saw her every day and still my mom befriended this woman and to this day I still don't know what all went on. As I always say, there are great paid caregivers out there and I'm here to tell you from personal experience there are some real "rats" too.