Im pissed off and just really feel like running away from this family and never coming back?
No matter what happens to me or how bad mum is getting I am drained from family ignoring the HUGE smoke signals? I love my mum but cant do this anymore as I have such anger for my family "how dare they leave this sick old woman with me to look after alone with no help OR solutions".
I dream of just waking up and packing and divorcing the whole lot of them.
Has anyone just ever got up and left? a selfish family and an ungrateful woman full of bitterness and anger and takes her unhappy life out on me yeh shes ill am sick hearing it. She dosnt know what shes doing OH REALLY DOES SHE NOT? she seems to be just fine when sis is here then a down and out when she leaves? I ask myself whats the point here I get no appreciation from anyone except one brother who although supportive has no idea what its like.
I think to anyone here SA is a prime example of a "survivor" no matter how much crap shes had thrown at her shes still here like alot of us im telling you it comes from having to deal with "crap" from an early age! I dont remember a "childhood?" i remember being worried all the time anxiety at 4yrs old? watching my dad beat the crap out of my mum didnt help then hed hit us as he was in an unhappy marraige and wanted out? yep you toughen up pretty damn quick! At my dads "wake" my brother said something that meant something and its true "dad you made me who I am today and for that im grateful". We are all fairly tough in our family but alot of kids are that have come from dysfunctional backgrounds we had no choice but its made us what we are today which is a fairly decent human being maybe a bit too caring and sensitive but thats not such a bad thing. theres 3 types of people in this world: Winners,losers and survivors thankgod im a survivor!! I have to have hope and even though ive had a stroke ill be damned afterall the crap ive been through that something is going to kill me now! im no where near ready to die ive got a wonderful life to live gosh my life hasnt even started yet so im not worried i deserve to be happy and so do we all on here if i thought for one minute that i would be here looking after mum for the next twenty years in this "one horse town!" with no money,job,friends,MAN well id just eat a million doughnuts and smoke myself to a quick death! No as ive said before im going to die in my late 90s laughing my head off and yes "break dancing in some fancy NH!". LOL
Wonder what they'd do if you suddenly could not do this anymore?
What if you had a nervous breakdown and had to be hospitalized for awhile?? Hell, maybe you ought to fake one (please, no offense to anyone that's had one!) and see what happens. You're probably not too far from one.
In any case, please do something for yourself. Even if it is just talking to someone or continuing to get advice here. Your health is as important as anyone else.
I limited my visits with my mom towards the end. I did see her before she died, thank God, but I just couldn't take her crying and screaming every time she laid eyes on me anymore no matter how badly I felt for her. It was killing me. Like Ash said, my blood pressure went through the roof every single time and it took a while to come off of that stress and feel calm again. I WANTED to be there more, but it was just freaking impossible.
I wish you could come here and chill and rest awhile, Kaz. We could sit in the sunroom in the peace and quiet and smoke a fag or two together, sip some hot tea and watch the geese on the lake. Drive to Myrtle beach or Ashville and stay a few days watching the ocean or chilling in a cabin in the mountains. Anytime, Kaz! *hugs*
Well on the way down looney tune road my mother drives me crackers by phone to the point tonight I changed my phone number and made it unlisted. The NH has it but she never will. I've been sobbing ever since. Why? I hope because I'm, a decent human and it wasn't something I'd want to do but I really had no choice.
My mother is not a sweet little old lady, she's a narcissistic, mean, evil, manipulative sob and has been all her life. She gives not a damn about me or my well being and,as she's never asked about my stroke or wellness, I have no hesitation in kicking her to the curb.
Im glad you dont spend too much time with her sounds like even a few hours is enough! my mum is fine as long as she gets her way until i go to a friends then she will attack me she has no idea how ill i am and just how tired i am and im wasting my time trying to explain that to her her dementia has made her a very aggressive spoilt brat!
Nikki I used to be ill with the guilt even if i was away from mum for a few hours but ive had to harden up and not let her get to me and just ignore her rants it worked dont let her get to you be strong and ignore her it does work you are doing all you can and she knows that! Chin up our lives will get better!
I can't take "less" time... as it stands NOW I see her from noon until 3 daily and still she complains of loneliness. If I take 1-2 full days without seeing her, she threatens to move away and says "something has to change.... i can't sit in this house all alone all the time....I guess I'll just talk to the furniture... let me know when you have time for me..." yeah.. yup. 1-2 days and that is the talk that starts up from her.
Not even exaggerating!
Besides if I had a day, the stuff I should do with it (get caught up at home, spend time with my daughter, etc) wouldn't be done. Instead I would spend it sitting on the couch thinking about my future, which scares the crap out of me.
Mom is the kind of person who says 'let's go out to eat!' and I say ok I'll get my 13 year old daughter in on it too.... (HER granddaughter) and mom says, oh no. Just you and me.... well mom I can't leave my kid home without dinner... "well make her something first!" It's awful. She wants ME. She won't even come over the house to visit me unless nobody is here. I hate it.
Nikki you should get POA if your mum has dementia. I know how bad things are for you now BUT heres what i would do:
You live across the street (you are so far lucky with that you dont live with her).
Call in on her everyday cook her meals make sure she has what she wants THEN LEAVE and go and do something for you just do not spend so much time with her i wish to god i lived across the road.
Bring her out the odd day and do something fun but dont let her be your whole life you will like me end up hating her as i do sometimes my mum and am not afraid to admit it.
Put yourself first now OR like me you will get ill. Your ex sounds like a pig your friend sounds like a good guy.
I would get POA and ask if you can have a little salary of your own that your mum pays you?
Was your mum always mean? if she was then she will be worse. Lucky my mum was always there to help us out thats why I feel so guilty leaving her but ive had a stroke from the stress and need to leave now or she will kill me.
Try and get her into daycare im so sorry for you and wish you well its not going to get better its going to get worse so you are doing all you can for her and love her and theres no more any of us can do with this awful illness.
the best thing that happened to me the last year is that i stopped feeling so guitly as i knew i was doing more than my share and at the end of the day I love her and want the best for her but like you im 48 and have my life ahead of me and we are important too I hope to god i make it to 76.
Nikki the only advice i can give you is less guilt and less time with your mum you will see her attitude change when youre not always there and she will appreciate you more (for about 5mins anyway). Shes going to get worse and lucky she has the assets to get into a good NH just make sure you try and get POA.
Hugs one day we will look back and laugh at this!!! GULP! x
I know things are going to get worse.
I talk to God, I keep my sense of humor (which is quite witty if I do say so myself) and I try to keep it all in perspective.
Basically I'm painting a better picture for my own mind than what really exists much of the time.
My 17 year old son is so disrespectful to me... does nothing to help Grandma with exception of carrying her "bags" from shopping home to her... he will hug her for 3 min and leave to come back. He won't work, he's slacking at school, he doesn't even want to drive. What 17 year old boy doesn't want a license for God's sake... he's happy in his room, truly happy online with his friends... and while my gut says KICK HIM OUT at 18 and let him see how it is out there, my mind says, "he'll never make it"... and he wouldn't have a clue how to. I have seen psychologists with him since he was 7. He's been on ADD meds, and behavior practices that all fell through the floor..... he has a good heart, loves animals, but is impulsive as hell. I thank GOD he doesn't drink or do drugs. That alone is my saving grace with him. His father is no help and blames me for getting pregnant 17 years ago. Nice huh... His step-father helps me with his behavior, but without being here in the house he can't really do anything. we are friends but aren't together..... I know something has to give with my son, and I'm scared.
Then, of course, there's mom.
Mom has a good estate with her 3/2/2 pool home. She has money in the bank. She has stocks.
Sometimes, not often, when I fill up the gas tank to the tune of $60, she will give me $20 and I thank her.
Once in awhile, I can't pay my cable bill or something and ask for a loan. She will give me the loan and I will always pay her back, but in the interim between getting the money from her and a week or two to pay it back, she will tell the grocery cashier or anyone who will listen in conversation that she loaned me this money, bought my car for me, etc.... yes she bought the car but 80% of the driving is to entertain her, and I pay for the insurance and the maintenance as well as gas.... and for what. To put most of the miles on it to drive her to the clothing stores and thrift shops...
I'm frustrated, I'm down, and I know it will get way worse before it's over.
But still, I bend over and I take it, because she's my mom and I love her.
If I were you I'd run away like a bat out of hell and leave them all to get on with it. Make your plans secretly (so they can't do a guilt trip on you), where you're going, what will you do, then first thing in the morning tell your brother, take off and don't tell them where you're going or how they can reach you. You have to get out of there for your own health and sanity. Good luck!
I have to say though although my mum has dementia she would never keep her money like that and does help me out the odd time sometimes she goes from hoarding her money to being too generous ive felt guilty in the past when she spent money on me BUT not now i damn well deserve it and she knows i do or why would she do it.
Your mother is right we shouldnt have to get paid to look after mum BUT if youve given up your job and life to care for them they should be grateful and help you out when you need it. Gosh mum would never see me short but thats so she can throw it in my face when she wants me to feel guilty but I dont anymore.
So sad you sold your house I hope you come up with a solution and soon we will have peace one day but unfortunelty thats too far away from me and as you say my mum is only 76 i could be here for another 20yrs oh god help me id sleep on the streets if I had to!
Hugs!!!!!!!!
I have sent her an email and copied to all family that she takes a wks hols and mum goes to paris on her own. My mum is still fairly competent she can get wheelchair assistance from the airlines so shes escorted on both sides my sister just has to collect her at the other end?
Its disgusting that ive had a stroke and still no respite? my mum is entitled to go into a very nice NH free but has now refused to go so thats zero respite for me.
I am going to leave here although have sleepless nights thinking of mum here on her own but my brother is just down the road so he will have to cope but can you really see this guy cleaning up after her hygiene?
anyway i have no choice but to walk away my sister was offered a job back here and turned it down she wants to come home but i guess the thoughts of being nearer and closer to mum put her off.
My blood boils when they pretend to care and do nothing everytime i approach the subject of mum and her future care it falls on deaf ears. My poor brother in uk is the only one that supports me thankgod i have at least that but theres not alot he can do as hes out of work and is in the uk because of his son.
My mum is not taking her meds properly and refuses for me to take them off her im beyond fed up theres times when i just think ok kill yourself because thats what shes doing.
Doc dosnt seem to take things seriously and says if she wont go into a home or take care of herself then theres nothing you can do?? great advice?
Im caring less and less as the stress is just too much my mum was always a stubborn cow but this is just a losing battle we get on fine when im here and running around after her,as soon as i want to go out or try and take her meds off her a huge row starts and she becomes very aggressive.
My mum is entitled to 3 half hours care a wk thats it paid by government i will have to see now how much care she will get if im not here?
I emailed a radio show today he discusses various subjects so ive asked him to ask the public how they are coping with selfish families he was very keen to approach this subject and will air a show on this very subject! it will be interesting to hear.
I told my sister that her savings (80,000) and whatever money i get will have to be considered for mums care if we have to get someone in to look after her she didnt respond? I wanted to scream at her but have to watch my stress levels?
I dont think people out there really believe the crap carers go through with siblings its not the parents that cause the stress its the family if i never had to see or deal with siblings ever again i could look after mum no problem its them getting away with thier repsonsibilities that just makes me so mad then like IWEN says they will be there at the end to get thier inheritance.
My question was has anyone just walked away? the guilt will be hard but the family have pushed me into leaving so screw them thats how much they care about mum.
Mum agreed to me and my brother getting POA together but getting her to do it is just exhausting and since then ive decided to let him be POA and any crap and we will see him in court POA is that he is responsible for her CARE and WELFARE let him at it and see how long he lasts.
The outside of the house is a mess it was his job to keep it clean and safe but he does nothing and hes not even working?
Sorry for ranting but I think ive no choice or any solutions here but to leave and let my family get on with it. Nobody can do this job alone with no respite unless they are caring for a very placid good humoured parent. my mum goes from nice to nasty within minutes of course her meds not been taking properly have a huge effect on her health but what can i do she turns into the DEVIL when i tell her im going to give her meds.
Kazzaa during the four years of hell I cared for my mother I plotted my escape every day. Sadly I had sold my nice home that I'd worked all my life for but I should have rented it off for a year so I had a parachute.
I know I won't be 'stuck' forever.... but my maternal grandfather lived to be 99 (yeah 2 nines there...) and my mother is going to be 91 shortly.... so let's see, there's actually a good propensity she could live to be almost 100. 9 more years... ? hmm... yeah I wish I could get away; you have no idea. Just give me a week without any of them.
My 13 year old is typical but the 17 year old has ODD. If you don't know what that is, it's a clinical term; Oppositional Defiance Disorder.... he's also smart as a whip, which makes it easy to manipulate those around him. So when I'm not catering to mom's every whim for entertainment and socialization, I am worrying about what will become of a child I apparently raised to be a spoiled and lazy individual.... not self sufficient as I always did too much for him and he never went without anything... now the piper is coming to collect dues, and I worry (for him as much as me) what will become of him, and us as a whole.
But mom is self-absorbed and you know that old saying, "if mom is happy everyone is happy"? Yeah, um no. UNTRUE. Mom is happy if I take her out every day and manage both households, sure.
I fall asleep worrying about my financial future (I have ZERO savings and live month to month) and yeah I will admit it; I resent that she has money in the bank and is very comfortable because she actually smiles at me and says, "It feels secure and nice to have money! I can buy anything I want..." Yet when I tell her must be nice, I have to get a job mom I have no retirement and I am 47, she threatens to move away and says she never heard of a daughter being "paid" to take care of her mother.
If I dare to bring these things up, she gets angry, cries, hangs up on me, threatens to leave (there's no way she could make it without me as she has NOBODY else) and then I end up apologizing.
So yeah. Yup. I want to run away. OFTEN.
While I have no answers for you, just know you're not alone. You are most definitely in good company with me.
All of us on dysfunctional families has felt this way most of us on that discussion thread "dysfunction families how you doing" think about doing this every other day, most of us do not have support...do you have finances(hers) for her to go into an adult daycare or is one offered in your area, if not and in the US you can have someone from social services come out and tell you about programs geared to help you, some programs such as, Cash and counseling, that will pay you or someone else to look after your mother, but those are people who qualify for public aid, but still if the only assets she has is her home or car and not much money, they can still pay you, but they will put a lien on the house, when it is all over.
I am surprised that someone from the family has not come out to say
they are POA of your mother and taken over that aspect, but don't be surprised if lack of support = greed, you know when they wont lend a hand but will have their hands out, at the end.
That's assuming that you like Paris, of course. And, by the way, who's paying?
My sister AGAIN asked ME to come to paris WITH MUM??? as she has to work I said you have ten wks holiday a year take a week and spend it with your mum instead of pissing off somewhere nice for your hols and spending a lousy 3 days here when it suits you? its just not going in shes so selfish she wants me to come to paris so I can look after her mum while she works? what a bitch!