What do you say to your very, very independent Mom who's dying?

My post is only to tell you I am sorry. I have lost my Dad and sat with him for a week before he passed. He loved a good joke and told one just before going into a coma like state. My Mom lives with me and I know I will have to face this sooner than later. She always says I don't know what I would do without you and I reply the same. I think you take it moment by moment and you will know. We all have to go through this but knowing this isn't comforting to any of us. Just the fact that you ask this question shows you love each other very much. Every night I ask God to give peace for those who suffer. Please know all on this site understand. So very sorry, thinking of you.

Well if it makes you feel any better we are all dying. I dont mean to sound insensitive, it is just a fact of life. If shes independant let her be, and if shes in denial let her be in denial. No sense in arguing with someone especially if they are elderly and set in their ways!!!!! I am very sorry you are going through this, make sure to take care of yourself . If she needs you she will come to you , otherwise if shes acting like nothing has changed i suggest you act as if nothing has changed too , even if it is hard. Thats what i would want at least {hugs}

My mother suffered from Dementia for 12 years and blood cancer for 10 years. I come from a very religious family. Who believes you step from life to another. My father die with out notice. My mother never told me for 25 years. I went on my own belief and worked in a geriatric facility for 32 year. I did the best I could. I move in the last 8 years of her live. The last six months of her life. I had Hospice and they where excellent. There where times that where tough on my mother, physically, behavior and emotionally. I was greatful I had the medicine in the house to meet all her needs. The Thursday before my mother died and I know this happens. My mother's dementia left her for a few minutes. I knew it was my old mother. Who said to me "Mary please let me go I've had enough. I told her, I loved her and she told me she loved me too". I believe everything happens for a reason. In dementia she knew she was dying. She took responsibility for what she wanted. Which took a ton weight off my head. Friday she developed a fever and a rapid pulse. Hospice told us she would not make it through the weekend. Saturday she started feeling discomfort. We started Morphine and increased it as needed. Saturday night I got into bed with my mother and just held her hand. My sister and I took turns giving her morphine hourly to keep her comfortable. We sleep maybe go an hour each during the night. Sunday morning we had to increase the Morphine dose twice. We where in contact with Hospice. At 2PM. I gave her the last dose of Morphine. I could see a change after the last dose. I told my 3 siblings it won't be long now. At 2:20 she quietly passed away. We went through the wake and funeral. We where still numb. Even though I knew it was a long goodbye. You are never ready for the actual moment it happens. I had help so I could do what I needed too. I never questioned anything from the start to the end. If I had to I would do it the same way. My comfort is my mother is with my father and all that have gone before. That comforts me. I wouldn't cry in front of your mother. If she cries then it is ok to cry together. I would keep her comfortable and tell her you love her. Their is help from Hospice and in the community to help you. So you can do the things you need to do. It has been almost 3 years since my mother died. I am in a good place and have accepted it. I know she is in good hands. God Bless you.

Everyone is different, of course. My mother was troubled by unfixed, unfixable relationships with some of her children ... and by worries about leaving my Dad, whom she even then knew was showing signs of early dementia.

I wrote my mother a "thank you for my life ... here's what I remember ... and it's okay to let go of your worries" letter. It was 12 pages long, and it was just a collection of happy memories from my entire life that involved her. Many of them were things I suspected were "tiny moments" that she probably didn't remember herself ... because that's what's so interesting about the way we affect one another's lives; what is a passing moment to one person becomes a lifelong memory to another. Towards the end of the letter, I transitioned from memories to thanking her ... again, a separate line for each, for all that I am grateful to her for, and for all that I learned from her ... I apologized for some things that I regretted, but I strove to keep anything negative or sad in the letter EXTREMELY light. I spent a great deal of time with my mother towards the end, but I wanted to give her something that she could read and reread in those last days and hours, even during the times when I couldn't be with her ... too, I knew that my taking the time to commit those sentiments to paper would mean a great deal to her. She kept that letter close by until the end.

Since then, one of my best friends died, also following a terminal illness ... and I wrote her a similar letter in addition to spending a great deal of time with her in those final weeks and months.

On both occasions, I found the exercise of writing the letter to be incredibly meaningful both to me and to the recipient ... I highly recommend doing this if you can find the time and the emotional bandwidth. I don't suggest taking actual "in-person" time away from your dying loved one to do this ... but if you live remotely from him or her, or if he or she is not up to visits for more than a few hours a day, etc., and you have "away" time available? Give it a try. For me, it helped me grieve. It helped me KNOW that I had said all that I wanted and needed to say. When my mother died, I had no regrets about "missed opportunities," or about not having done all I could to reassure her.

And again, I do NOT suggest or recommend using such a letter to air any old grievances, accusations, disappointments, feuds, arguments, etc. Apologies are fine, if sincere ... but for what my opinion is worth, I'd recommend keeping references light and general. In many ways, my mother and I had a difficult relationship. But in the 12-page letter I wrote to her, I think my only reference to the problematic aspects of our relationship was something along the lines of "Mom, I know we haven't always seen eye to eye, and that we've struggled over the years with the same battles for independence and identity that all mothers and daughters do ... but please know that there has never been a time that I have not known to my deepest core how much you loved me ... and I hope with all my heart that there has never been a time, even when I was snapping peevishly at you, that you felt anything but solid in my love for you. Because that love has never wavered. And it never will."

Most of all, I reminded myself through the whole process that this is a journey I will also be taking. What will I want in 20 years, or 10 years, or next week when I am facing the end? If I want to talk, I'll want someone to listen. If I am worried about something, I will want to be reassured in a meaningful way. If I want to feel that someone will remember the memories that I have been a steward of, then I'll hope that they will not seem bored or distracted or not to be paying attention while I recall something that was important to me but may be less meaningful to them. And so on.

Kahune, saying goodbye in this way is one of the hardest things you will ever do, but this is also some of the most important time you will ever spend with your Mom. I know you feel that you are breaking, and that you have nothing to offer her. But you are providing so much more than you can imagine. Huge hugs to you ...

Keep it simple. I would say, I love you!! I also would pray with her. We pray with my mom when she goes to bed at night. We say the prayers she knows, The Our Father and the Hail Mary. Our dogs give her lots of kisses. That's nice too. I'd love some dog kisses when I go, as long as I know someone will be there to take care of my dogs and love them after I am gone.

Well, it doesn't sound like she has dementia, or does she? Whatever she is dying from (and something is always going to make each of us die), independent people can usually weather the ups and downs of life. When she finds it harder, be that shoulder to cry on and just listen to her feelings.

I like the idea of sharing some memories and maybe asking her what she fears most in the "in between"? How can you make that easier? What does she imagine in C? Keep letting her talk, share the tears, then have some good laughs. Keep doing as your doing and reinforcing "mom, I love you..you don't have to endure B by yourself, I'm here to walk that walk with you until you get to C, we'll see this thru together --oh, and mom, we'll do it your way! I'm so proud of the strength and independence you've shown me thru the years".

This is a difficult period for you and your mother. I just told my mother that she would not face this illness alone. My father and I would be with her every step of the way, reassured her she would not be left alone. She did have faith and had been badly injured at age 6 so she had faced down death in her youth.
She was an excellent patient, never complained but accepted that suffering was part of most people's life. She never took good health for granted.
Knowing you are there and care for her, will give her a sense of peace.

Unfortunately across this country each day, millions are going through this process with no one who loves and cares for them. I try to remember them in prayer as they need help to handle their death alone.

Listening to all you wonderful people who tried to answer my question and took time out of their life to try and make me feel better. You all are truly a blessing to me that you care, and I feel my heart is sad with what you have been through. God Bless You All.

My mom and I were best friends forever (after my teens) and have been non-seperable for the years before and after my dad died a horrendous, horrible death at the age of 40 --- 40 years ago. They didnt have the pain killers they have today and I remember those years as the most horrible nightmare anyone has ever gone through.

We had many talks about death with dad and mom, I being only 17 . I had to raise my younger 2 sisters aged 11 and 9. a lot of time when they had to travel to another city for chemo and radiation all the time. My dad did not want anyone to know he had cancer, and being the same strong independent dad my mom is asked Mom and I to be a ( eg. our last name) and not cry at the funeral. which I now think is ridiculous. We could cry over movies, boo boos boyfriend dumping etc just not in death among people. I, myself am the biggest bawl baby in the world and still am, but I abided by my dad's last wishes and never cried in public.

Now my mom is another story, different sex but just as independent as her soulmate and my dad. Actually I feel so much better for hearing what you guys suggested I do because I have done it all, her and I together, laughing, crying and loving each other

Mom and I were always getting into trouble it seemed, although we are both upstanding citizens. We have so many stories, my kids call us the Bad Apples but we just laugh, we just seem to fall into situations that are so funny. we have talked about these for years, laugh till we cried.
One small story: We read in the paper they were having a UFO speaker at a school. We got there early, asked someone where the ufo guy would be and he gave us a room number. We went there, It was a francophone class room but the desks were placed like a lecturer would want. There were donuts and coffee, we debated and got a donut and coffee. People started filing in staring at us, very much younger and found a seat. Soon everyone was there, they turned on the french music and I whispered iN Moms ear.HOLY S----- We are in the wrong place. I started to laugh a little and the teacher said What child do you have in our french class. I got up, took my donut and coffee and got the giggles in the hallway, but Mom wasnt so lucky, she was grilled, she told her UFO. everbody's laughing and finally mom was in the hallway with her donut and coffee. We totally lost it. we went to the door and left but had to go by the window of the room to get to my car.. It took several tries before we felt able to walk past the window. When we did, the people all broke out in laughter, so did we and we decided we better go to the lounge and have a few drinks. Funny,Funny,Funny

So actually, my dear friends we have been to hell and back, had wonderful times together, so much laughter.

I feel now that we have discussed death, dying, getting past point b and on to abetter life in heaven with her soulmate, her mom and family.She is worried about me because I am divorced and mom has been my rock and best friend forever.
I asked her if she would leave this earth willingly, she said not until YOU decide its
ok.

I told her not to worry about me, gave her my blessing to leave this planet and even told her Godspeed my mom. Dont be afraid Dad is there to take you dancing!!

It's a difficult and unparalleled time. Hold her, listen to her, love her...be there for her.

My Dad found it helpful to be told he has taken good care of his family, and it is also our good fortune that this might also take care of his grandchildren. I've told him he has done everything he was supposed to do.

He is not sure about what happens after you die. This used to scare him, his mother died when he was 7. I tell him that humans require a great deal of resources to live, and nature does not squander energy, that energy will continue after his body is worn out. I remind him that mom will be waiting for him, whatever is next, because I hear him talking to her in his sleep. He replies, "You think so..." I let him know I really believe this and that when he goes, "you will be pleasantly suprised". (He handles loving humor well.)

PS: I worked as a phone counselor. I remember talking to an old man, afraid of dying. I reminded him that the brain has ways of protecting you from too much trauma. I reminded him that birth seems pretty traumatic a transition, and that most folks don't have scary memories of being born. I suggested that death is also a natural transition, and that when I worked in a nursing home, it seemed true there as well that the mind protected folks from the trauma of transitioning to what comes next. This man was not open to spiritual type of comforting, and found this logic based approach sufficiently comforting. He felt he could trust his body to protect him from fear.

What a wonderful story, Kahune - sounds like incredible fun, you are so lucky to have had times of such laughter with your mum. God bless both of you. She must be very proud.

Tale some time to reminisce with your Mom. If you have a photo album with old pictures, helps to bring back memories and share feelings.

When my Mom crossed over I know I was holding her hand, and I think I said, "Mom, it's OK , you did your best."

Listen, listen and then listen some more. Always tell the truth. When a loved one asks if they are dying tell them the truth. There are things they want to do people to say goodbye to and arrangements to be made. Hold them, lie beside them. tell them how much you love them, what they have done for you and forgive them any transgressions. Keep them comfortable and respect their wishes. no one knows what happens after death or if there is and after life so don't make up fairy tales but support their beliefs. Comfort, comfort comfort and God Bless

My heart goes out to you both. This is a great question that I wish asked, but I never really knew exactly when my Mom would go. In my mind, it could be at any moment or it could have been in years to come.

My Mom recently passed away last year right after Super Storm Sandy. The few days before my sweetheart told me to go visit my Mom, early before the storm arrived.

During that visit we made pasta together. We chopped vegetables for it together and thought of new ingredients to add, we mixed and sniffed and tasted together. We talked as everyone here suggested. I asked her to tell me things. She struggled to find answers to some of my questions ... so I told her I loved her. I hugged her and touched her arm.

I told her we would do what ever she wanted to do.

Eventually she told me she didn't like her latest nail polish color, so I changed her nail polish for her.

She wanted to come to my house and she wanted to have pizza for dinner that night.

I showed her how to download a book to her kindle and during a terrible storm, she could read with the light in her bed. When she fell asleep the kindle would sleep too. I promised her that I would not leave her.

Then, as independent as she is, I asked her if she wanted a battery operated light that my Dad (her husband) had given me and she said she didn't want a night light. I put an apple, a banana and a small water near her bed and tucked her in. I kissed her good night and told her I loved her.

The next morning, half the apple was eaten, half of the banana was eaten and part of the water was gone. Mom was gone too. She was bundled warmly in bed. I know she felt loved.

She touched everyone she came in contact with throughout her life and her spirit lives on in all of us. I am so thankful for the loving time we shared together and I'm glad I was able to listen to her wishes and keep her comfortable.

I think the fact that you asked this question indicates that you will be a loving companion to your Mom and you will always remember this time and the kindnesses you share. Bless you both.

I love you mom, and I am here with you. You are not and will not be alone.

Aww, Sooozi, I hope MY last day on earth is half that nice. You "done good."

These are all very good, but I would ask if they aren't baptized if they would like to be. It's the only way to Heaven, and ask if they would like to talk with a priest,pastor or whom ever they would like. God bless all who are losing their parents, or anyone who is still dealing with loss. God holds you in his loving arms, and his Love is everywhere.

I would like to respectfully add a different perspective from those who have posted comments indicating that Christians are the only people who can look forward to a peaceful and pleasant afterlife. I am a Christian AND I respect everyone's right to choose their own theology. I don't wish to start a theological debate in this venue, as I don't think that would be appropriate or helpful. However, in response to several comments already posted, I respectfully submit that those of faiths other than Christian and even those who have no particular faith can be confident and hopeful of a positive experience once this life is complete. Yes, I know what the Hebrew/Greek/Christian scriptures say, I've been studying Holy Scripture all my life and still study it. I just want to say that, based on valid interpretation of the Bible and other sacred texts, some of us Christians do NOT believe that we Christians are the only ones assured of peace and joy in the next reality. Some of us imagine that many different faiths and beliefs will be represented in the next life, while granting others the right to disagree with us...Blessings to all, G~

Does Religion have a place in your life's. I can't say I know what your mother is thinking but there are stages of dying. There is no time limit on when what stage comes. If she wants to talk then you talk about it. Don't cry by yourself in front of your mother. It is ok to try together. Try to talk to you mother at a point to have her papers and funeral arranged. It is too much when they die. You need to know what she wants. Bottom line Just love her!! Remember the good times. My mother died in 2011 and my father for year. Remember how important these months or even years are. The older person cancer grows slower and people live longer too. Good luck. I will pray for both of you

my mom, a very special lady, had dementia...she was not very clear that she was indeed dying...she had expressed fear of dying alone...when I started to see her declining I took more time from work each day to be with her...she wanted me to read to her and stay near...which I did. Our minister came every day for a few minutes. I talked about past good times. Her breathing started to slow and I started praying the Lord's prayer..she mumbled some with me. She took a big breath and died in my arms. I think so many good ideas have been presented here. Be with her. Comfort her. Remember the good times with her. Ask how she would like you to be present. God bless.

Your Mom was a very special lady and she raised a very special daughter. your story is very heartwarming. Blessings

Dear oldfriend2me, May the Lord give you peace and comfort!!! You are indeed a special lady too!