I lived with my 89 year old mother, who has Alzheimer's, for the last 5-1/2 years until just one month ago the siblings decided to take turns caring for mom. Of course this is not working out and to cover the gaps I want to hire outside help. Problem? Mom thinks she is perfectly fine and gets angry if we even mention the fact. She cannot do anything for herself, unfortunately. She needs 24/7 care. I've been talking with a few agencies but have frozen when it comes time to "introduce the new caregiver." I will look like the "bad" daughter and I don't want to upset mom -- but know this may be what is best for her. Suggestions?
With dementia, sadly, it's really the providing of care that has to take first priority and often you can't avoid the person being resistant, hostile, nasty or unhappy. I would work as much as possible to make it smooth, but, that's not always possible. I'd just develop a tough skin.
There are also some techniques on how to work with people who have dementia on You Tube. Look for the Teepa Snow videos on Dementia. She has some good and practical ideas. I hope you can find something that is helpful.
Your mom with dementia? Your siblings?
If this isn't working out, with the siblings taking turns, time for a family sitdown or Skype meeting to figure out the next step.
No upsetting your mother would be nice; but there also needs to be consideration given to keeping her safe and allowing you and your siblings time and space to live their own lives. Balancing this can be difficult, but it CAN be done.
Getting everyone on the same page is the start.
You need this time or you will break. Take courage, and enjoy the respite!
Initially, do you think your mom would accept help coming in to do her least favorite task?
Another poster introduced a home health care aide as the sister of a friend who needed a job.
since she has not a good memory you might be able to fool her & get someone that looks like someone that of a family member ..then it may not be so bad .
It is great you want to keep her at home, we felt the same. But if you are not getting much help from siblings you might have to hire more help. We used a private hire list we got through the Office of the Aging. Our girl had her CNA certification.
Best of luck to you and your family.
As far as looking bad, you need to stop feeling guilt. We are all doing what we can to give great care to our loved ones. And Dementia will let you feeling short of that goal many times. 2004 is when we first started seeing evidence of dementia. June, 2008 at 69, she was "layed off",September she was diagnosed with Probable AD. Next week she is starting her 4th year in memory care unit. There are fewer moments when she seems to connect with the world. Since I live 11/2 hours away, I miss most of them. So when guilt wants to rear it's head, it tells me I should bring her to my house, so she has the comfort of family at those moments. I have to tell myself, I would have no support system, and there is a lot of care between those moments, plus I am the main caregiver for my in-laws. I wish you well.
My mom has Alzheimer's and refused any sort of help. She insisted she was fine.
I hired caregivers a few times. One time I said this person was my friend and needed a place to stay and hang out while her house was being painted and she was more accepting of that. Another time I hired someone and I said "this person is going to stay with you while I am gone" and it ended miserably. She got angry, agitated and I had to send the person home.
If your mom is already resistant to needing help than she probably won't like the idea. So give it a try, have a "friend" or someone that you hired come over to "help you". The agency you hire will also need to come out and assess her. Make sure whom ever you hire, that the caregivers are trained in dementia.
The other thing I told her was I had a dear friend I wanted her to meet she was excited about that so that opened a door to other ways to introduce a stranger in the house. hope it helps, God Bless
The Agency even sent a caregiver who had a knack of getting the elder to accept her. She met her challenge with my Mom, who shooed everyone out, so I had to cancel the Agency. Before long Mom had to be placed in long-term-care. And the caregiver that Mom shooed out became my Dad's caregiver who he then had for over a year. She was great.
Please note having 24 hour care at home will become costly. For my Dad it was $20k per month, yes per month.
When she eventually required 24/7 care, I was instrumental in the adjustment, change and move. I visited her a few times after she moved.
This was a less than 32 hr week gig, OT only on holidays, so the family still had to step up a lot, but they got some respite.
Take heart and you will find a way. My mom finally wound up with an RN who was willing and able to take care of her...because this woman "NEEDED THE INCOME" (Turned out that Mom was more right than we thought.) They became so close that the care continued after Mom went to a nursing home!!
It seemed to make Mom feel better that she could still contribute something to someone's life. (Mom was a retired English teacher/guidance counselor.) She hated feeling worthless and "like a burden". Your mother and mine would have been of the same generation. That's their MO!
I think one of the hardest things on an older person is to feel worthless and helpless. It's frightening and depressing, in spite of the mental capacity - or lack thereof.
Seek support and intervention for yourself and your siblings. Don't let yourselves become stressed to the point of breaking and burnout. You are a GOOD daughter as you are showing by seeking answers for your mom. And just one other thing:
Tell her occasionally that you are proud of her. (You will be happy you did later.)