I lived with my 89 year old mother, who has Alzheimer's, for the last 5-1/2 years until just one month ago the siblings decided to take turns caring for mom. Of course this is not working out and to cover the gaps I want to hire outside help. Problem? Mom thinks she is perfectly fine and gets angry if we even mention the fact. She cannot do anything for herself, unfortunately. She needs 24/7 care. I've been talking with a few agencies but have frozen when it comes time to "introduce the new caregiver." I will look like the "bad" daughter and I don't want to upset mom -- but know this may be what is best for her. Suggestions?
And many people I talk to act like I should just brush it off and help "mama." Put up, shut up, offer it up seems to be the preferred way to deal with difficult elders. As long as society expects this, nothing will improve. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if more people abandoned their elders in favor of their own health and wellbeing. What would society do?
For us caregivers/adult children, it's the most maddening thing. To be looked at as "the answer" -- while our methods are deemed inferior to their slanted memories of doing fill-in-the-blank better. And our suggestions are dismissed out of hand.....simply because they are OUR suggestions.
I have no answers. Just commiserating. If my mom had allowed outside help, she might still be alive.
On the other hand, the last several years of mom's life (such that it was) stressed the sh*t out of me. My rational side understands that "more for more's sake" is not a great alternative. An extended old age for mom would have been an extended Sissiphyian drama for me -- with or without outside help.
Hang in there, everyone. You're gonna p*ss off mom or dad no matter what. So do what makes sense for YOU and what's left of YOUR life.
She probably shouldn't be showering alone (has neuropathy in both feet and has told me it's hard to get her feet out of the tub), but to this point doesn't think she needs help. She has a life alert button, and is currently in the process of considering converting to one with the automatic fall detection option. Who knows when she will actually get that, as she tends to talk and talk about something before actually doing it (has been talking about getting a housecleaner for 4 months now and hasn't done anything to make it happen).
When we visited an AL place four months ago, she told the director that she would like someone to be there when she showered and also to help with getting dressed. But she has made zero effort in trying to get some help with these activities at home.
If she ever gets around to some personal care help, she will not be hiring a freelancer. If her LTC insurance is to ever kick in, she has to show a record of having help from a licensed agency. I'm sure she will balk at that price, and the fact that there is a minimum number of hours. She may just never get around to getting any help at all.
I am not willing to be her housecleaner or personal care attendant, because of her OCD and the way she treats me.
If I had to be her shower monitor, I would require payment, and I'm sure that would set off a yelling or the crying/shaking routine from her.
She thinks my time is worthless (had another example of that just a few days ago), and I will not subject myself to her emotional abuse.
I'm sure she will find fault with any housecleaner or caregiver, and I'm not looking forward to the endless time on the phone she will waste while she complains about them. She doesn't understand what a nuisance she is on the phone. She thinks that because I'm not actually "doing something" for her, that that time doesn't count at all.
(Sorry I seem so negative these past few days in my replies, but I'm still smarting from the emotional abuse I had to endure the other day.)
Then I started saying "your friend is coming by today". If she did not remember I would say "your friend Alicia, you two always have your fun together on Wednesday". She adjusted very easily. Alicia would take her to Braum's each week so the workers there got so they welcomed mom like an old friend. Then they would go for a drive talking about everything they saw, and then circle back to Braum's for a hot fudge Sunday before returning home. Momma eyes were always sparkling after a visit from Alicia.
When time is up IF she remembers tell her that you both did such a good job on the forms that you now are helping train new workers especially if high turn over - this means she is doing an useful thing by allowing help in the home - depending on her memory you might not need to go this far but let whoever is helping know how you are proceeding - good luck & if this works let others know
Take heart and you will find a way. My mom finally wound up with an RN who was willing and able to take care of her...because this woman "NEEDED THE INCOME" (Turned out that Mom was more right than we thought.) They became so close that the care continued after Mom went to a nursing home!!
It seemed to make Mom feel better that she could still contribute something to someone's life. (Mom was a retired English teacher/guidance counselor.) She hated feeling worthless and "like a burden". Your mother and mine would have been of the same generation. That's their MO!
I think one of the hardest things on an older person is to feel worthless and helpless. It's frightening and depressing, in spite of the mental capacity - or lack thereof.
Seek support and intervention for yourself and your siblings. Don't let yourselves become stressed to the point of breaking and burnout. You are a GOOD daughter as you are showing by seeking answers for your mom. And just one other thing:
Tell her occasionally that you are proud of her. (You will be happy you did later.)
When she eventually required 24/7 care, I was instrumental in the adjustment, change and move. I visited her a few times after she moved.
This was a less than 32 hr week gig, OT only on holidays, so the family still had to step up a lot, but they got some respite.
The Agency even sent a caregiver who had a knack of getting the elder to accept her. She met her challenge with my Mom, who shooed everyone out, so I had to cancel the Agency. Before long Mom had to be placed in long-term-care. And the caregiver that Mom shooed out became my Dad's caregiver who he then had for over a year. She was great.
Please note having 24 hour care at home will become costly. For my Dad it was $20k per month, yes per month.