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I care for my Mother, my Dad and my husband. Last night I screamed at my Mother (who has advanced dementia) and although she seems to have forgotten it, I can't. I feel like a monster - like I'm losing it.
The feeling of not being alone is Grace for me. I think you will find this site to be a beautiful place to compare your experiences, as well as being able to voice your outrage or feeling worthless. Being a caregiver can often lack any "atta-girl!" remarks. Depending on your previous relationship with person you are caring for, it can be a thankless profession(yes,it is a job) or for some s chance to give back to someone loved. Thank you for being brave enough to share. Thank yiu.
My screen name used to be Thanklessjob until it offended someone and I got my *ss chewed out because I "should" be grateful to do it.
In my mind, how about being grateful that you had better times with your loved one or that WE don't need to be taken care of?
But chewing my cheeks off because I acknowledged that this IS a thankless job, sometimes with abuse from the loved and the family and friends as well, is just a low blow.
Acknowledging that caregiving is a thankless job doesn't mean we don't love and care for the loved one.
I am a terrible person, JSB. I was nodding away reading your post about building on the safe space, then realised, abashed, that we had different occupants in mind. I hang my head.
No worries, Countrymouse. I was thinking of a place for the CAREGIVER to release his/her frustrations without being heard by the one receiving the care (and any other bystanders).
For years I have wondered if a useful addition to a house would be a little room padded on all sides and soundproof so one could go inside, shut the door, and then scream, curse, and pound the walls for a few minutes or whatever...and then come out with the relaxed feeling only this kind of catharsis would be able to provide.
Oh, BabyCakes, so sorry! We can ll be pushed over the limit.
The best thing is to give yourself permission to make mistakes. We will all make them--can't be helped! Then apologize to your mom--she won't know what you're talking about but you will feel better. Then try to implement the great advice given here. Get away or walk away if you can't get far enough away. Take time off whenever, however you can!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My dear husband's dementia, sadly, has brought to the forefront his very worst behavioral and personality traits. Early on, not knowing how to deal with the situation, I coped by leaving for hours at a time - and very much dreaded the thought of returning home. And yes, I've screamed a few times too. And I don't feel at all guilty about it. As a caregiver, I've come to realize that my survival is every bit as important as his. And this AARP forum has helped me immensely in my journey. By far the most valuable piece of advice I've gleaned is that he lives in an alternate reality, and that both of our lives benefit if I can simply validate his reality instead of continuing my attempts to orient him in actual reality. With this approach I've managed, in the past year or so, to gain a measure of peace I thought had been lost forever. It's like magic!
SWOMBO, your story sounds identical to my situation with my mother. Hopefully, your words and the affirmation of so many others on this forum with provide the initial poster with a measure of peace. Hugs to all of you who are dealing with such difficult situations as well as for your loving natures.
When you're at the breaking point, go out of the house. If you're lucky to have an auto, get it in a scream away. I understand where you're coming from. I was called "Hitler" by my own mother. Do not engage in acrimony.
why did you yell at your mom or screamed ..i had done it to ..she is gone now ..but well you can go out side & away some where to scream ..that can help ..liike i keep saying & seems on one pays attention or do may not tell me ..but to calm her down so easy when you know she is going to go thru sundown - changes from nice to mean a hour if you can ..you can get it at walmart called melatonin sell at vitamin section has a purple top & fruit flavor give one to her that will really work to calm her down .trust me & see good luck
I completely understand how you feel. It is best to turn around and walk away (easy to say; but, the best) My Mother in Law can be insulting and a bully. As a teacher, I have a great deal of patience; however, when she is sassing me and getting in my face I feel my blood pressure spike and I feel like I want yell. It takes a lot for me to be calm long enough to make sure I am safely away from her. When alone I feel like trembling jelly and want to just leave, never come back. I do love her and feel guilty when I feel myself losing my patience- which is my key to walk away. On one side I know this isn’t who she really is. But when someone is in my face and giving me a, sincerely, evil grin after trying to lock me outside or is grabbing my foot to get me to leave the house; I feel all my defenses brim over. I hope you are able to get some respite. It does help!! Best wishes!! Take care.
I have to agree with tornadojan, screaming is bad for you and for your loved one and it never helps, it just makes things worse for both. You need to walk away and count to 10 when you feel yourself losing it. Take deep breaths or say a prayer. Also try to figure out your anger trigger so you can diffuse it. Figure out a better way to do things that are making you upset. Are you upset bc they can’t do what you are asking them? Think about how hard iit is for them and maybe feel compassion instead of anger. Daily pill taking with my mom and I had become a screaming match, then my brother suggested I crush the pills into some apple sauce with a little added sugar and cinnamon and NOW I never have a problem with pills any more. I use to get really upset when she would dump her spoon on herself so I started getting baby spoons for her and now she can hold them much better and dumps less food. I had to realize that I can’t expect her to be rational or do everything I need so now I just take a deep breath, count to 10 or walk away for a few minutes. Sometimes I even sit in my room and cry for a minute if I have to. Just know you are better than that and your loved one deserves better also. Imagine yourself on camera at all times or like you were watching someone else care for your loved one the way you are, it helps keep your actions in check. You would be furious if you saw a health care provider yell at your loved one, you feel ashamed if a friend or family member saw you yell, so these thoughts help me keep myself in check. Good luck. You are not alone.
Bless you. You are so right. Sometimes I feel like I've lost myself and that's a frightening feeling. I just don't have the patience you have. I will try to remember "the camera."
I very rarely swear in real life and I never would have predicted it, but I have used swear words with my mom, called her a b*tch, and on one or two occasions yelled. Never thought it would happen, and I am not proud to admit it. However, we are being pushed to the limit and things happen. We are not perfect. You are right in that your loved one has always forgotten.
Note: If you ever well and truly think things could escalate to a really bad situation, it is imperative that you immediately WALK AWAY and get that physical distance to calm down - no matter what the situation. I have done that, and it really does help. Forgive yourself! Best wishes.
Superman was not from Earth so don't try to be like him & realize that you are a human being [welcome to the club] - many have done much worse than yell at a LO - I yelled at mom a few times but at least one she didn't do the behavior again so maybe it got through to the deep part of brain that is still active [she wanted to go home & I told her she had the means to do so in her purse so if she could plan & execute a move then she deserved to be there ... never heard her say it again]
I find humour helps so turn on the comedy channel & gets some laughs - it can actually physically make you better - listening to laughter can make you feel more in tune with the world maybe because if you laugh too then it was a 'group activity' which makes you feel not as alone anymore - listen while you cook, sort laundry etc & the only possible side effect is you feel better about yourself [use chapstick regularly so you don't crack those dry old lips when you laugh .... LOL]
There are a lot of good responses here. From my experience, the stress continues in a cyclical downward trajectory. Get caregiving help any way you can. There have been recent studies on the wellbeing on familial caregiver’s physical and mental health. The findings are disturbing. Caregiving for our sick parents can have an extreme adverse affect. It’s difficult and sometimes costly but you need to find a way to relieve yourself of some of this stress. Check out living facilities, in home care, and other services available to you and your parent. Start with your parents Doctor for resources in your area. Stress does horrible things to your body and mind. Do not feel guilty for taking care of yourself. Sometimes we MUST take a step back to better care for our loved ones and ourselves. I cannot stress enough about letting go of any guilt you may have. It is counterproductive and guilt does not help you in any positive way. I wish you peace and hope you take care of yourself.
You express yourself beautifully. Thank you for your advice. I do have help with both Mother and Dad, but still the 24/7 responsibilities can be so draining. My favorite outing is Walmart! Isn't that crazy. :)
Shoot, you just screamed, my sister screamed and then moved out!
Call the State social services department. They will provide you with respite for a few hours to a few days to just get away and breathe, clear your mind and just be you/husband. My high school best friend was the Director for this back in my home State of AZ.
If you have kids or they've moved out on their own....you're going through the same thing AGAIN only it's your Mom whom you respect and the shoe is on the other foot, but she's still your Mom.
I watched my Mom when her Mother was living with her for the same reason and she'd yell at grandma too. Our great-grandmother lived with us for awhile, she had her mental abilities until she died, but Mom NEVER EVER raised her voice to great-grandma.
It may be time to consider a nursing facility or group home. Talk with her doctor about it.
You're not the only person out there who has ever done this.
FYI....my parents divorced over 25 yrs ago. I rarely talk with my dad. I had to 1 day because of a family issue regarding one of my siblings. He said something to me that was finally the straw that broke the camel's back. I not only screamed at him....over the phone....but I told him f*** you!! I cried after I hung up on him and had to call my therapist....yes, I am bi-polar and being the middle kid, everything one hears about being the middle kid is true!!
She asked me how I felt about saying that to Dad. It felt great, but I said it to my Dad. That was why I was hurting and crying.
You're not bi-polar, but you're frustrated and....she's Mom.
The only time I didn't feel guilty that I yelled at my Mom, was we had EMTs trying to get her to the hospital. She was fighting them (Alzheimer's), I told her she had 2 choices. I was getting the safety belt to help the EMTs and her choices were 1. Let me help them by placing the safety belt around her 2. I would spank her with it She told me to go back to bed. The EMTs were laughing telling my husband that was a first. I got the belt around her and she elbowed me in the neck. I told her she could hit me all she wanted but she was going to the hospital. I had a bruise for over a week and sore for about 3 weeks!
I'm her guardian/conservator now and she and my stepfather are in an assisted living group home since.
Wow, you have a lot on your plate. I have been there. Demand, demand and after some time goes by, screaming is just you asking for help. Read about Caregiver stress and maybe get some ideas; you getting some assistant to help you with morning or evening care.o I have been overwhelmed after 3 years of caring. Friends kept saying “Take care of yourself” but I had no idea of that was. Now, I have become less caring, for the first time in my life.But I do understand that if I don’t care for myself that eventually that will impact quality of life...
I understand completely. My mother also has advanced dementia, and I've also lost my senses at times. I have to remember that she's not the person she used to be, and it's really not personal. On days when she's herself, every things fine, on days when she's not, I had to learn with that person. Its like split personalities. It'll take a while to adjust once you stop taking it as an affront to you, when it's (in my opinion) that its their fear of losing themselves, and control of their lives. I hope this helps a little
You nailed it exactly, total Sybil at times! It is very hard to see a parent that way and you are correct, you have to remind yourself, it is not them, it is the disease.... I have also noticed the "sundowning" effects - gets confused, agitated and upset towards later in the day. It does take a while to adjust, you never know what you are walking into...
I empathize - and many of us do here - with you. We relate. Yes. We do lose it. We are human. I suggest: * Give yourself five minutes 'break' on a regular basis - every 1-2-3 hours. Whatever you can do. Leave, read a People mag, pick up a crossword puzzle, turn on the TV, meditate / with music, give yourself a foot rub. Learn how to 'shift the switch.' * When you feel the slightest twinge of the "I'm losing it" - leave or do the above. The more often you can catch yourself before you get to the boiling over point, the better for you - and everyone else. * Having lost over 70 lbs and changed myself from how I was programmed/ taught to be in my life (in many other ways), I know that INTENTION and AWARENESS to do small steps towards our well-being is critically important and will make a difference. We are re-programming the neuro-transmitters; rewiring our brain pathways. This wasn't discussed when I did it over 30 years ago, but I did. It never ends. We feel better and able to return to a state of equanimity (or feel renewed and ready to go again . . . ) more quickly. Gena.
Thank you Gena. You're an intelligent lady. Congratulations on your weight loss! What a blessing - I know the strength and willpower it takes to lose just 10!
My hubby is 6 weeks out from having 2 major heart attacks. He has not enjoyed great health for many years and never feels well. Still works FT but is really depressed and unhappy. Thisis very likely how he is going to be forever now. I can't HELP but take it personally, at some point and he'll do things that are completely unbelievable...either by choice to bug me or out of sheer cluelessness.
Less than 24 after he got out of the hospital for the 2nd heart attack, he got up in the middle of the night and drove to work to retrieve his pain pills (30 mins each way) decided to stop at IHOP for an omelette. I get up to check on him and at 2 am , he's gone and obviously has been gone for a while. Texted and texted b/c he wouldn't answer his phone. FINALLY I get through and what is his behavior? He yells at ME b/c I am micromanaging his life and also, his waitress is slow. When he got home., you better believe I lit into him like a mad dog. He didn't "get it". Still doesn't.
The language I used, the screaming--I have NEVER acted like that in 62 years Oh, and BTW, it was my BIRTHDAY!) and hope to never have to use that kind of behavior again. It was horrible, for both of us.
He's still VERY touchy, very irritable, grouchy, depressed, you name it. But he knows that I am one foot out the door, and I made it cleare he cannot treat me like this. I will walk away--temporarily or permanently.
My point is, everyone has their tipping point. I've gotten upset with my mother, many times, but never yelled at her, I can walk away. I don't stay in relationships that are prone to making me"crazy"--but marriage is whole different animal.
I won't put up with abuse and if I feel DH is "picking on me" (as he was last night) I simply go to my room and don't talk to him. There's no point in arguing with someone who is fighting their own demons, be they physical, mental, whatever.
Oh, and I've been on and off of antidepressants and anti anxiety meds for the last 20 years. W/O them, I'd sure I'd be gone.
During the last 6 weeks my psych doc added a 2nd med to the anti-anxiety mix. I am not going to keep taking it, but it DID effectively flat line me so I could take the anger and depression from DH. (BTW,as you all probably note, very few people give a thought to the emotional well being of the caregiver!! We HAVE to self care. I slept 14 hours last night!)
I totally relate. I cared for my husband when he was on hospice because of bone cancer. He also had heart failure, atrial fibrillation, and diabetes. He didn't have dementia, but when his blood sugar dropped, he would be unable to think clearly. And his blood sugar often dropped because he was obsessed with keeping it below 90 even though his body really needed higher than normal levels because the lymphoma caused severe anemia which also affected his mental status. I loved him dearly but I couldn't agree to help him commit suicide. We often argued about his exit strategy. He told me how selfish I was which hurt my feelings, but still I couldn't promise him that I would help to kill him. Finally, one evening he really got to me. He started insisting he wanted to die. Then he started changing, "Death! Death! Death!" over and over again--so I lost it. I yelled at him, "You are on hospice! You are not using the helium balloon!!" (Breathing helium was a recommended way to commit suicide, but I would have to set this up, since he was too weak.) "You are going to have an easy death under hospice! I am not helping you die!" I think I shocked him. He shut up. (Good). But I felt like a monster. How could I be so mean?! I wanted him to feel loved, and here I was yelling at him. I wrote emails that night to my friends and therapists expressing my remorse. They were all supportive, but I still felt guilty. I try very hard to avoid confrontation and not express anger--and here I was doing both and defying my husband. Now it even seems funny to me. Dick passed away peacefully a few weeks after that confrontation. The hospice team sensed I was burning out, and they wanted me to put him in the hospital to relieve me of stress, but I wouldn't do it. If I couldn't help my husband commit suicide, the least I could do is be with him as he died. I called the nurse and social worker and got them to explain to him how he would pass away. Dick finally accepted their explanations. I bet he would die soon, before I gave out completely, and he did. Then I called up the hospice psychologist and defiantly sang "Nya Nya Nya Nya" (again violating my goals of no anger). Of course you are losing it. When our loved ones are losing their lives, we who care for them are also losing parts of ourselves. If you look up Teepa Snow lectures on dementia (which you can find on you tube), she is extremely wise and funny as she describes how to care for demented people. I read articles by Silvan Tomkins on emotion. Tomkins states that anger is a result of stimuli being excessively high so that you can't take it any more. You are not a monster. You are a normal human being enduring stress that is too much. Teepa suggests deep breathing. I suggest you forgive yourself, too. Best wishes.
Thank you for the tip about Teepa Snow. I'll check her out.
I honestly believe (from observing her behavior) that although she forgets - a PART of her remembers. I pray that, with time, I become more patient and learn ways of coping and that she forgets.
A friend once told me to "scream!" "she yelled at you when you were little, didn't she?" Somehow that doesn't make it right.
Being a full time caregiver is difficult in the two years I've been caring for my father who has a number of issues diabetic not on insulin , heart patient and possible beginging signs of dementia . Forgetfullness always. Angry especially since my mother's death . I also cared for my mother the last month of her life. 16 years earlier I cared for her mother. I started caring for my father a week to the day after my mother died. I have done my fair share of yelling at my father never needed to with my grandma or my mom two angels. Even though grandma had dementia and poor mommy had small cell lung cancer. My father only sees his pain bla bla pitty party he never even gave me a chance to grieve my mother. Just deep breathe and when you feel like your going to yell go to your quiet space and count to ten and see if that calms your anziety down. I used to have anziety when caring for my grandmother people with dementia sometimes will know how to push buttons on there caregiver cause the anziety for both is overwhelming . My father suffers from anziety refuses the medication for it so I'm on pins and needles all the time. Best of luck.
I can relate. Been there, done that. It is hard. I read recently when you take your frustration out on someone -- as in yelling at your loved one -- it is more about what is inside of you than the other person. That I certainly know to be true for me. It takes a lot of patience to do what we do. Some days I have it, some days I don't.... What figures into how we deal with frustrations is our own personalities. Some people are calm, some people yell. I know for me, I am more likely to yell when I am tired and pushed to the limit. Mom forgets about it, just like I forgot about the times she yelled at me.
Thank you for being human and thank you for sharing.......it was my big secret until a girlfriend opened up to me a few months ago with respect to her Mom.
Three yrs "in" I starting exhibiting this behavior. I was so stunned and appalled that I was even capable of such an outburst @ my dear sweet Mother that I would immediately apologize as Ray Lin suggested. (thanks for the reminder RL!) It always worked as it lead to a discussion and cry session with hugs which was therapeutic for us both. Mom would forgive me immediately.
Country Mouses pragmatic ideas work wonders as well. I find exhaustion & multiple "failures" are my triggers. Failures like: problems @ work, getting ripped off by the contractor, the hospital telling me they don't have Moms Health Care Proxy on file all of a sudden...yeah right???, no sleep last nite, & boom you are in too deep.....feeling like there is no way out.
CM's principles must be "studied" in times of clarity......not in the moment. Find a mantra that you can repeat over and over especially in the good times so as not to forget to put it in action when that anger boils over. Mine is "I hate the disease...love my Mother....love my Mother....love my Mother.....
There was a time that it seemed the more I vowed to do better ...the more I prayed....the worse I would do....that's hard....I liken it to losing weight ...the harder I try ...the more I gain!
I believe from the bottom of my heart those of us who find ourselves in this situation are yelling at the disease not our LO. You could try incorporating the disease in your rant....like "I hate that the disease is making you do A B or C.
I definitely can relate! My mom will soon be 92 and has dementia. I moved her in with me two years ago. It takes so much patience and constant effort. I try to think how I would react if she was just 3 years old. But a 3 year old wouldn't say such mean, hurtful things. When I do lose it and yell at her I'm filled with such guilt. Then I don't sleep well which makes it even more difficult the next day. I'm having a few medical issues which are stressing me out and I resent the fact I have no sympathy from her, let alone time to feel bad for me! Guilt, resentment, anger, frustration. I do want her to be happy but it's taking so much out of me. Everything is fine if I'm well rested and worry free, but obviously that isn't always going to be the way it is. Good luck to you and know that you aren't alone.
Caring is exhausting. I've been caring for my wife almost 3 years. She suffers greatly from aphasia and apraxia and we do the abbott and costello routine ALL THE TIME only not the funny version. OMG it wears me out.
She has question after question after question after question....
I have mucho respect now for caregivers, aides etc. 6 ER visits, 4 different facilities, 6 different therapy facilities, and she was at home 24/7 with me for 2 years. Now she's in a nursing home because she tried to kill herself while I was at work. I see her 3 days a week most all of the day. We facetime the other days.
I know the stress and exhaustion. For you and them, find times/days where you can get away and recharge. They need you, but they need all of you and you have to take some care of you or you won't be around for you or them. They won't understand it and in my wives case will chew you out over it etc.
But you need some help in caring and some you time.
I understand how caretaking can be so hard and one must be so selfless and forgiving , really I do . But I have some questions for you that may help give you a view you may not have had . For the best .
Q # 1 : would you have screamed at your Mom if she was not a Mom to you but you were taking care of her ? Q # 2 : many of us think we are able to do care work and often the $ that come with this work ( SS cks ) really help some however seldom can there be any reality of what really happens . Q # 3 : since you clearly have a conscience unsettled about this and you know it was wrong to do this to a defenseless person ( not to mention that you would not want this done to you ) , is there any chance you've made an appointment to get help right away with no excuses ?
While we are all used to having our own way in our lives , when we do care taking , it is not just our life anymore .
Of course a person in memory care cannot remember .
Which is your first indication that the behavior you describe is extremely unfair .
Last but not least , did you realize you terrorize the person who cannot understand the screaming , they don't even know who is screaming much less why ? I bet you didn't . TERRORIZED people become traumatized . ( I do not watch the news anymore because that is exactly what it does , instead I watch shows that leave me feeling good , not afraid )
Can you imagine feeling traumatized by what you could not understand and did not have the ability to change it ? It can put these people into severe depression on top of the already difficult life they are having such a hard time in .
Now I want to mention some things that helped me be a better person in care taking . Streamline the home . If you are in your parents home , it is ok to pack the things not used but you really need to do it when they are not watching . They may not remember what they are but they have years of habits . Be sure the time old habits are still able to be served , such a folding towels , wearing an apron , reading a newspaper . Remove anything dangerous , anything glass or heavy can become a danger to them if dropped , broken and they try to pick it up or they slip and fall . If you want to speak privately I am on FB and happy to help .. try to get some help in at least 1 day a wk and even if you take the day off in your own bedroom , be sure the person helping understands , this is an interaction job , a go with the flo job which includes eye contact and HUGS with real feeling . Gently using hand lotion on their hands , attending a foot with R/A .. things that feel good , let the help do them . If they are not wanting to , they are the wrong help . God bless you !!
Early in my experience with all this, my 84 y.o. mother called me and complained (yet again) about some trivial thing. I flipped. I screamed obscenities I didn't know I had in me. I screamed and screamed and screamed - years of pent-up hostility. She said, "Well, if you feel about it that way, then hang up." So I did. What scared me was that after screaming to the point I hurt my throat, I DIDN'T feel like a monster. My first thought was, oh, I need to add something to the grocery list. It was surreal, very odd. I was supposed to pick Mom up later in the day and take her to dinner. I proceeded through my day and got there at the appointed time. She had absolutely no recollection of the incident. That's when it began to weigh heavily on me, but I decided, I couldn't help it - I reached a breaking point and I broke. I haven't done it since then. I have snapped at her occasionally, but no more screaming. I have learned to redirect - both her and me.
The short point is - as others have said - you're human. Forgive yourself. The good thing is you're conscious of your ability to turn, but next time you're tempted, you'll remember how rotten it made you'll feel and likely make a different choice next time. Another good thing is that it didn't seem to have a lasting effect on your mother, so in the end, no harm done to her. Don't let it harm yourself. Good luck to you, and all of us on this journey to hell.
I am amazed by the support and comfort that people have given. I know this is a journey and it's a choice I have made - so I shouldn't complain. So many are thrust into a situation that they didn't want or ask for. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Good luck to you too.
I too want to thank all of you for the honest comments and commentary.
I have not found a "group" where, like AA meetings or meetings of parents of alcoholics, can one can meet face to face on a regular basis. "Missery likes company". If anyone here is in the area of Centennial, Colorado, I would like to know who and where they are, and perhaps we can start a group. As for me, by way of introduction, I am the 24/7 for my beloved wife of 48 years, and between the rwo of us, we have seven adiult children who will NOT even discuss living with them.
My wife and I are in our 80s. The surgery was in March, 2015.
Thanks to all for such sincere honesty. Knowing I am not alone with similar feelings and the like has really helped me learn and how to get along.
even if the time is short. In my wife's case her dementia resulted from open heart surgery and her fatal diagnosis is: "Vascular Frontotemporal dimentia. "
If your adult children are reluctant (or unable) to talk about letting you and your wife move in with any of them, maybe they can help in other ways(?) If the conversation has more options as well as specific easy requests ( We need a ride to the doctor’s office, take the trash out on a daily basis, cut the grass, etc.) it could be a way to get at least a common ground. I have been on a couple of child side relationships: the blithfully, unconcerned daughter living in another time zone, the DIL with unrealistic suggestions and “tips” and the reality of on site personal, daily care attendant. It might take time, it may never happen for them) but maybe you can give them a chance to take the first baby step.
I feel for you all as Caregiver. I'm a only child and had to move back home to help take care of my hospice mom with a terminal illness 10yrs ago. Now it's my dad and I'm 24/7 like as a relapse caregiver and just another challenge/scenario. Never been married and no children. I had to learn to curve my attitude in dealing with my father that has what I call in between dementia /alzheimer's, selective hearing, chronic constipation, at 93 with a attitude. I try hard to bite my tongue. I learned and tired of being a good handyman in repairing walls and matching paint because of losing temper . My dad does not want to listen to me, doctors, dieticians, or anyone and plus he goes into fit sometimes. I stopped counting enemas I give him because he doesn't want to read the signs posted in the kitchen to take Miralax. The doctor told me to get on him to make sure it get's done and daily routines So, I try to take a deep breath and not lose my cool. There have been over total count of 14 police officers that have come to my house over a span of 2+ yrs. Sometimes they come in 2 cars called by me, neighbors, him and he doesn't know why he called them and I wave them down. They come and say we'll talk to him and take care of the situation. In the end they leave my house like it's "haunted" once they deal with him and basically say, "You obviously need help and you need to take care of him because they realize his situation and run". I just suck it up and deal with it; "Like it or not" and try to develop patience given a situation/experience/moment on another day. No moments are the same and just try to make the best judgement as possible given the circumstance. Nobody can understand that position other than those who have experienced or are experiencing the obligation of being a Caregiver. Just do the best you can and hopefully life will go on.
You are so right. Every situation is different and unless a person has been a caregiver, he can't begin to understand the frustrations and demands of what we do. One day at a time. Bless you.
I can relate. I get upset with my mom as well, and it usually stems from my anger toward my sister who's problems are worse than my mom's (she has dementia). I scream at my sister and I know it affects my mom, and I find myself getting mean with my mom as a result. I feel like a monster too, and also like I'm losing it, so know you're not alone. I pray alot.
Been there, done that. Am I frustrated at times. Yes. Internally, I sometimes feel that I am going to lose it. I screamed at my husband just once, He forgot about it but I haven't and every time I get to that point where I want to yell, I think of the time that I did tell him off and that memory stops me from repeating my tirade. Don't be hard on yourself. There are days where you are at the end of your rope. The best thing to do is think of something totally unrelated to the next time your loved one pushes your button. Walk away. That's my best advise. Walking away, going into another room, put on some music that you always loved.
Thank you. I want so much to give my parents a haven of comfort and love - but realistically, I am all too human. I have breaking points and I need to learn to walk away (as you said) or just find some way to cope. I'm learning things about myself that I don't like. I find comfort in prayer. Good luck to you and thanks for your comment.
cvp1949, I hope you have support from someone, somewhere. Doing nothing and living with the guilt will kill your soul, and your body. Please have compassion for YOU.
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My screen name used to be Thanklessjob until it offended someone and I got my *ss chewed out because I "should" be grateful to do it.
In my mind, how about being grateful that you had better times with your loved one or that WE don't need to be taken care of?
But chewing my cheeks off because I acknowledged that this IS a thankless job, sometimes with abuse from the loved and the family and friends as well, is just a low blow.
Acknowledging that caregiving is a thankless job doesn't mean we don't love and care for the loved one.
Thanks for bringing it up.
The best thing is to give yourself permission to make mistakes. We will all make them--can't be helped! Then apologize to your mom--she won't know what you're talking about but you will feel better. Then try to implement the great advice given here. Get away or walk away if you can't get far enough away. Take time off whenever, however you can!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Note: If you ever well and truly think things could escalate to a really bad situation, it is imperative that you immediately WALK AWAY and get that physical distance to calm down - no matter what the situation. I have done that, and it really does help. Forgive yourself! Best wishes.
I find humour helps so turn on the comedy channel & gets some laughs - it can actually physically make you better - listening to laughter can make you feel more in tune with the world maybe because if you laugh too then it was a 'group activity' which makes you feel not as alone anymore - listen while you cook, sort laundry etc & the only possible side effect is you feel better about yourself [use chapstick regularly so you don't crack those dry old lips when you laugh .... LOL]
Call the State social services department. They will provide you with respite for a few hours to a few days to just get away and breathe, clear your mind and just be you/husband. My high school best friend was the Director for this back in my home State of AZ.
If you have kids or they've moved out on their own....you're going through the same thing AGAIN only it's your Mom whom you respect and the shoe is on the other foot, but she's still your Mom.
I watched my Mom when her Mother was living with her for the same reason and she'd yell at grandma too. Our great-grandmother lived with us for awhile, she had her mental abilities until she died, but Mom NEVER EVER raised her voice to great-grandma.
It may be time to consider a nursing facility or group home. Talk with her doctor about it.
You're not the only person out there who has ever done this.
FYI....my parents divorced over 25 yrs ago. I rarely talk with my dad. I had to 1 day because of a family issue regarding one of my siblings.
He said something to me that was finally the straw that broke the camel's back.
I not only screamed at him....over the phone....but I told him f*** you!!
I cried after I hung up on him and had to call my therapist....yes, I am bi-polar and being the middle kid, everything one hears about being the middle kid is true!!
She asked me how I felt about saying that to Dad. It felt great, but I said it to my Dad. That was why I was hurting and crying.
You're not bi-polar, but you're frustrated and....she's Mom.
The only time I didn't feel guilty that I yelled at my Mom, was we had EMTs trying to get her to the hospital. She was fighting them (Alzheimer's), I told her she had 2 choices. I was getting the safety belt to help the EMTs and her choices were
1. Let me help them by placing the safety belt around her
2. I would spank her with it
She told me to go back to bed. The EMTs were laughing telling my husband that was a first. I got the belt around her and she elbowed me in the neck. I told her she could hit me all she wanted but she was going to the hospital.
I had a bruise for over a week and sore for about 3 weeks!
I'm her guardian/conservator now and she and my stepfather are in an assisted living group home since.
I have been there. Demand, demand and after some time goes by, screaming is just you asking for help.
Read about Caregiver stress and maybe get some ideas; you getting some assistant to help you with morning or evening care.o
I have been overwhelmed after 3 years of caring. Friends kept saying
“Take care of yourself” but I had no idea of that was. Now, I have become less caring, for the first time in my life.But I do understand that if I don’t care for myself that eventually that will impact quality of life...
Yes. We do lose it. We are human.
I suggest:
* Give yourself five minutes 'break' on a regular basis - every 1-2-3 hours. Whatever you can do. Leave, read a People mag, pick up a crossword puzzle, turn on the TV, meditate / with music, give yourself a foot rub. Learn how to 'shift the switch.'
* When you feel the slightest twinge of the "I'm losing it" - leave or do the above. The more often you can catch yourself before you get to the boiling over point, the better for you - and everyone else.
* Having lost over 70 lbs and changed myself from how I was programmed/ taught to be in my life (in many other ways), I know that INTENTION and AWARENESS to do small steps towards our well-being is critically important and will make a difference. We are re-programming the neuro-transmitters; rewiring our brain pathways. This wasn't discussed when I did it over 30 years ago, but I did. It never ends. We feel better and able to return to a state of equanimity (or feel renewed and ready to go again . . . ) more quickly. Gena.
Less than 24 after he got out of the hospital for the 2nd heart attack, he got up in the middle of the night and drove to work to retrieve his pain pills (30 mins each way) decided to stop at IHOP for an omelette. I get up to check on him and at 2 am , he's gone and obviously has been gone for a while. Texted and texted b/c he wouldn't answer his phone. FINALLY I get through and what is his behavior? He yells at ME b/c I am micromanaging his life and also, his waitress is slow. When he got home., you better believe I lit into him like a mad dog. He didn't "get it". Still doesn't.
The language I used, the screaming--I have NEVER acted like that in 62 years Oh, and BTW, it was my BIRTHDAY!) and hope to never have to use that kind of behavior again. It was horrible, for both of us.
He's still VERY touchy, very irritable, grouchy, depressed, you name it. But he knows that I am one foot out the door, and I made it cleare he cannot treat me like this. I will walk away--temporarily or permanently.
My point is, everyone has their tipping point. I've gotten upset with my mother, many times, but never yelled at her, I can walk away. I don't stay in relationships that are prone to making me"crazy"--but marriage is whole different animal.
I won't put up with abuse and if I feel DH is "picking on me" (as he was last night) I simply go to my room and don't talk to him. There's no point in arguing with someone who is fighting their own demons, be they physical, mental, whatever.
Oh, and I've been on and off of antidepressants and anti anxiety meds for the last 20 years. W/O them, I'd sure I'd be gone.
During the last 6 weeks my psych doc added a 2nd med to the anti-anxiety mix. I am not going to keep taking it, but it DID effectively flat line me so I could take the anger and depression from DH. (BTW,as you all probably note, very few people give a thought to the emotional well being of the caregiver!! We HAVE to self care. I slept 14 hours last night!)
I honestly believe (from observing her behavior) that although she forgets - a PART of her remembers. I pray that, with time, I become more patient and learn ways of coping and that she forgets.
A friend once told me to "scream!" "she yelled at you when you were little, didn't she?" Somehow that doesn't make it right.
Thank you for being human and thank you for sharing.......it was my big secret until a girlfriend opened up to me a few months ago with respect to her Mom.
Three yrs "in" I starting exhibiting this behavior. I was so stunned and appalled that I was even capable of such an outburst @ my dear sweet Mother that I would immediately apologize as Ray Lin suggested. (thanks for the reminder RL!) It always worked as it lead to a discussion and cry session with hugs which was therapeutic for us both. Mom would forgive me immediately.
Country Mouses pragmatic ideas work wonders as well. I find exhaustion & multiple "failures" are my triggers. Failures like: problems @ work, getting ripped off by the contractor, the hospital telling me they don't have Moms Health Care Proxy on file all of a sudden...yeah right???, no sleep last nite, & boom you are in too deep.....feeling like there is no way out.
CM's principles must be "studied" in times of clarity......not in the moment. Find a mantra that you can repeat over and over especially in the good times so as not to forget to put it in action when that anger boils over. Mine is "I hate the disease...love my Mother....love my Mother....love my Mother.....
There was a time that it seemed the more I vowed to do better ...the more I prayed....the worse I would do....that's hard....I liken it to losing weight ...the harder I try ...the more I gain!
I believe from the bottom of my heart those of us who find ourselves in this situation are yelling at the disease not our LO. You could try incorporating the disease in your rant....like "I hate that the disease is making you do A B or C.
XXX000
She has question after question after question after question....
I have mucho respect now for caregivers, aides etc. 6 ER visits, 4 different facilities, 6 different therapy facilities, and she was at home 24/7 with me for 2 years. Now she's in a nursing home because she tried to kill herself while I was at work. I see her 3 days a week most all of the day. We facetime the other days.
I know the stress and exhaustion. For you and them, find times/days where you can get away and recharge. They need you, but they need all of you and you have to take some care of you or you won't be around for you or them. They won't understand it and in my wives case will chew you out over it etc.
But you need some help in caring and some you time.
Good to hear from you....I remember your first post. Good to hear of the progress for you and your family...
The best to you always.. Lucy in the Sky
Q # 1 : would you have screamed at your Mom if she was not a Mom to you but you were taking care of her ?
Q # 2 : many of us think we are able to do care work and often the $ that come with this work ( SS cks ) really help some however seldom can there be any reality
of what really happens .
Q # 3 : since you clearly have a conscience unsettled about this and you know it was wrong to do this to a defenseless person ( not to mention that you would not want this done to you ) , is there any chance you've made an appointment to get help right away with no excuses ?
While we are all used to having our own way in our lives , when we do care taking , it is not just our life anymore .
Of course a person in memory care cannot remember .
Which is your first indication that the behavior you describe is extremely unfair .
Last but not least , did you realize you terrorize the person who cannot understand the screaming , they don't even know who is screaming much less why ? I bet you didn't .
TERRORIZED people become traumatized . ( I do not watch the news anymore because that is exactly what it does , instead I watch shows that leave me feeling good , not afraid )
Can you imagine feeling traumatized by what you could not understand and did not have the ability to change it ?
It can put these people into severe depression on top of the already difficult life they are having such a hard time in .
Now I want to mention some things that helped me be a better person in care taking .
Streamline the home . If you are in your parents home , it is ok to pack the things not used but you really need to do it when they are not watching . They may not remember what they are but they have years of habits . Be sure the time old habits are still able to be served , such a folding towels , wearing an apron , reading a newspaper .
Remove anything dangerous , anything glass or heavy can become a danger to them if dropped , broken and they try to pick it up or they slip and fall .
If you want to speak privately I am on FB and happy to help .. try to get some help in at least 1 day a wk and even if you take the day off in your own bedroom , be sure the person helping understands , this is an interaction job , a go with the flo job which includes eye contact and HUGS with real feeling . Gently using hand lotion on their hands , attending a foot with R/A .. things that feel good , let the help do them . If they are not wanting to , they are the wrong help . God bless you !!
The short point is - as others have said - you're human. Forgive yourself. The good thing is you're conscious of your ability to turn, but next time you're tempted, you'll remember how rotten it made you'll feel and likely make a different choice next time. Another good thing is that it didn't seem to have a lasting effect on your mother, so in the end, no harm done to her. Don't let it harm yourself. Good luck to you, and all of us on this journey to hell.
I have not found a "group" where, like AA meetings or meetings of parents
of alcoholics, can one can meet face to face on a regular basis. "Missery
likes company". If anyone here is in the area of Centennial, Colorado, I
would like to know who and where they are, and perhaps we can
start a group. As for me, by way of introduction, I am the 24/7 for
my beloved wife of 48 years, and between the rwo of us, we have
seven adiult children who will NOT even discuss living with them.
My wife and I are in our 80s. The surgery was in March, 2015.
Thanks to all for such sincere honesty. Knowing I am not
alone with similar feelings and the like has really helped me
learn and how to get along.
even if the time is short. In my wife's case her dementia resulted
from open heart surgery and her fatal diagnosis is:
"Vascular Frontotemporal dimentia. "