Dad's passing was sudden though he's been in declining health for years. Mom hasn't left the house in several years and stopped bathing about a year ago. Short-term memory is quite bad and I'm sure she has undiagnosed dementia. Her sass and wit are firmly intact. Won't go to doctors and used to be a social butterfly. She is physically in good shape and just turned 85. She knows Dad is gone though she asks every day how he's doing, he's not coming back, is he.
She stopped leaving the house about 5 years ago to take care of Dad who had limited mobility. She is not a physical danger because she thankfully has no desire to drive or cook, and doesn't wander from the house. She snacks and nibbles throughout the day so has an appetite.
She got that shower before the wedding, for which we're grateful--but she hasn't showered since then. And I would be surprised if she takes a shower for the rest of the year.
Honestly, the only thing that worked was YB being VERY honest with her "Mom, you really, really need a shower. And you need to wash your privates and underarms. I won't take you to the wedding if you aren't clean". I KNOW she was hurt, but it was necessary.
Also, if your LO's living area is not clean (esp. bathroom trash going out everyday) the smell will begin to overwhelm you. Sadly, even mom's furniture smells bad. My YB replaced her lamps and the lampshades were so stinky we threw them away.
On the flip side, my MIL is SO CLEAN her house smells amazing. She bathes every other day (she must have help, she couldn't get in and out of the tub alone)--but bottom line, she and my mom are the same age and one smells awful and one smells clean as can be.
It's a common problem. People will be kind and not say anything--but they will smell her and think she's not being cared for. It's a hard thing to deal with.
I've often used the little white lie of 'the doctor said you have to take a shower' to my homecare clients who refused to do it.
You say she hasn't left the house in five years. When someone is in the house for that long they will neglect their own hygiene and many other things. Also, going out to the funeral service may be very hard for her and cause serious anxiety. Would it be possible to get her cleaned up and maybe try taking her out somewhere before the service? To see how it goes.
We had a family wedding and YB simply sat her down and said she was going to take a FULL body shower, as she smelled awful and would ruin M's day.
Mom's not demented, she just hates the hassle of a shower. YB didn't 'help' her, but he stood outside the bathroom and made sure she didn't fake a shower, she scrubbed head to toe.
He said she peeled like a lizard afterwards as he dried her off. You can't go a YEAR without bathing. Well, you can, but, please.
So--the wedding was 6 weeks ago and she hasn't bathed since then. Smell is unbelievable. We can't even get her to hand wash her privates, that alone would deal with 75% of the smell.
And, no, she will NOT allow someone else to come in to help. Ever. It's a hill we're choosing to not die on---but wow, I hope my kids make sure I don't reek when I am 91.
With people suffering from Dementia, this seems common. Not my Mom but I never asked. I just said "time to get a shower". And she went along with it. For a while I had an aide. She was a bus aide and when her shift was done got dropped off by the bus where her car was not far from my house. She came, bathed and dressed Mom and I paid her for the hour. Mom also knew her.
My daughter, RN in NHs, says you need to make them think they made the decision. "Mom, don't you want to smell pretty and have your hair fixed nice for Dad?" Hopefully she will say yes. I really feel they become childlike. So you approach them as u would a small child who will not get a bath.
I suggest using a shower chair or anything you can put in the shower. Use a handheld shower head. This way the water is not hitting her in the face. Rinse with water, suds her up, and rinse again. Mom allowed me to wash her hair. Use baby shampoo. I had her put her head down. Washed quickly rinsed and had a towel handy to dry her hair as well as I could. I had the bathroom warm, a/c can chill them. I had Moms underwear in the bathroom. It was too small to fully dress her. Do it as quick as you can. I had bars in my bath. So I had mom stand facing the wall and spread her legs slightly. Then I used the handheld to wash "that" area. I used no soap.
It sounds as though her sense of his death and being “gone” is a bit fluid. I’d be concerned that a flash of reality after a period of reduced awareness might be very painful for her.
I firmly believe within my own perspective that “sparing” beats “sparring” any old time. The nicest most inviting bath in preparation for being confronted by the irrefutable awareness that a spouse you loved and spent decades with has died doesn’t seem to me to be an appealing trade off, especially since she hasn’t left the house in a very long time.
I have told my children that if (God forbid) my cherished spouse should depart before I do, they are to lie to me liberally and carefully, and allow me to be cozy in my fantasy life until I go to join spouse myself.
Just me of course, but perhaps something you might want to consider.
So very sorry for your families loss and the concerns being raised by it.
Maybe approach it from the angle that she is emotionally exhausted and maybe doesn't see the point in washing anymore. Try and make it a treat, an expensive bubble bath or buy her some nice new clothes and do her hair but help with depression would be the main goal.
Make it a ritual experience; put on her favorite music, have a nice relaxing chat before and after. The goal is to associate no rinse cleansing with positive social interactions with you.
These are just a few in this line of products:
https://www.thewrightstuff.com/no-rinse-products.html
https://cleanlifeproducts.com/#page
I think though that that I wouldn't raise any issue about "looking her best for the services". She had a relationship with your father for years; that can be her best memory, but funerals are for survivors to mourn, and that includes people she may or may not have seen, and may not want to. That's not intended to be critical, just to focus on her needs as opposed to the observations of those who attend the funeral. And, in actuality, it might be too challenging and emotional for her.
Thanks again.
You may also have to present it to her that if she does not take a proper bath/shower prior to the services, that she will have to stay home, as she can not be in public the way she is.
Just make sure that she has grab bars, slip proof mat, shower bench, and any other equipment that will make her feel safe, as often it's a fear of falling that keeps folks from wanting to get in the shower/bath.
Here's hoping everything goes well with getting her cleaned up, and I'm sorry for the loss of your dad.