Should I ask my mom's visiting nurse to do a “surprise visit?"
My bedridden mother for 3 years now, her situation is worse, besides enabling her son’s drug addiction, she now has a caregiver who is a drug user and I believe taking advantage of her financially. I have reported my brother taking advantage of her money and being verbally abusive to her to APS but nothing came of it, my brother got so high on horse tranquilizers and heroin that he threatened my mom with a knife, the police were called they sent him to a mental hospital for a week, that’s it. Needless to say it didn’t help his addiction, 2 weeks later he totaled 2 vehicles in 2 hours, again law enforcement just gave him a driving reckless ticket even though he was on drugs. I have been trying to get my brother help but it’s been backfiring on me and my mom doesn’t want my brother to be upset with her so she ignores his issues and continues to give him money and that’s on her. My issue is my brother tells lies on me ie I placed an old vacuum cleaner in the backyard to take to goodwill and he will take a picture of it and show my mom and she will complain and yell and tell me how terrible I am to leave that garbage outside for neighbors to see! I have my brother spewing hate and very hateful comments to me daily and telling me to leave, then there’s the caregiver who comes in for an hour or two, 3 times a week, the days she doesn’t come my mom ends up laying in her urine and the house smells horrible, my brother feeds my mom mostly candy, she is diabetic, the candy gives her diarrhea and she lays in that until caregiver shows up which could be days. My moms nurse comes once a week, routine visit, she has come one time recently and saw the mess my mom was sitting in and informed her that she could turn her in and report this and my mom said she’ll never let it happen again. Now that my brother and her caregiver are aware of this they clean up house my mom her sheets etc right before nurse shows up. The nurse has no idea what happens the remaining 6 days a week. With my brother being very mean and hateful to me and my mom getting agitated with me more and more (because of my brother) my moms care is not where it should be!! So should I ask the nurse to do a surprise visit? I really want to help take care of my mom and for her to live in her own home but this situation is not good for her and it’s making me mentally and physically ill - there are days I’m about to lose my mind and depression is setting in!!
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The only way this will be resolved (without mom going into a diabetic coma and being taken to the hospital.. if she is found in time) is if you try to obtain Guardianship.
Now mom is cognizant (at least you do not mention dementia) and judges do not like to take personal rights away from someone unless it is a matter of safety. In this case your mom seems to be afraid of your brother. And that might be a danger to her.
If possible send a message to her doctor as well.
I would also report his financial abuse to the State where she lives Elder Abuse Hotline. And possibly to the State's Attorney.
In an ideal situation yes, the caregiver should report.
I am actually shocked that a professional nurse finds that acceptable. I’m also shocked nothing can be done legally, very sad.
My brother went to court for his first major car accident that destroyed one vehicle (his own) damaged 6 other parked vehicles and took out a utility pole and the judge gave him 1 year probation.
I have moved out of state and living in peace now. I have learned so much - wow!!!
I really appreciate everyone’s advice and like most have said - There’s nothing I can do to help - I tried!
What the nurse is saying is ….Your mother seems competent to make her ( poor) decisions and she is choosing to live like this .
You have absolutely no power to change anything that your mom does. Sad but true.
My oldest brother was an addict. Sadly, he died due to his addiction.
Many mothers will see their children who are suffering with addiction as the ‘lost sheep’ in their families.
They continue to try to help the child they love. This is their decision and there is nothing that you can do to stop them from feeling this way.
My mother even asked me if my brother could come live with us. Mom lived with us and he was about to become homeless.
My response was, ‘Mom, I understand that you love your son. I understand that you pray for him daily. He is your son. He’s not my son.
I didn’t have a choice but to live with him as a child. I certainly have a choice now not to live with him and my answer is ‘No! He cannot move into our house.
I will never allow my children to go through what I did as a child.’
I told my mom that I was not going to be in the middle of it.
I stepped away. I went to Narcotics Anonymous meetings and it really helped me. I also went to see a therapist to talk about a lifetime of pain due to growing up with an addict.
Those who have experience in this will truly understand what you are going through. It helps tremendously to place everything in perspective.
My brother did become homeless. Naturally, Mom was upset but after a while she understood how I felt. I didn’t see my brother again until shortly before he died. I took Mom to see him in an end of life hospice facility.
I wanted peace in my life. I wasn’t even sure that I wanted to see my brother again but I didn’t want to deny my mother a chance to tell her first born child goodbye.
My brother was a great guy when he was clean. Sadly, he could never stay clean.
I prayed on the way over to his hospice facility and I asked God to help me face this situation.
I truly thought that I would be angry when I saw him. I wasn’t. I was determined that I wouldn’t make things harder than they already were for my mom.
I just felt incredibly sad for a life that was lost to the horrible disease of addiction. I forgave my brother and told him to give my dad a huge hug from me when he saw him in heaven.
Wishing you all the best.
As for the caregiver, you better have solid proof before you make any accusations that could cost them their livelihood, true or not about the drugs, a false accusation would destroy their career, and then they would sue you.
I, personally, think you should be happy they will show up and deal with 2 or 3 days of diarrhea and urine soaking, setting and drying. You couldn't pay me enough to deal with that nonsense. My hats off to anyone dealing with this level of gross.
If you have solid, indefensible proof, you need to be a squeaky wheel with APS and LEO. Otherwise, you are as culpable as your brother. However, what an awful situation for anyone having to live with an adult that thinks sitting in their own waste is anything but reprehensible. I might turn to drugs to if I had to deal with a batchit crazy mom that likes sitting in a full toilet.
Your best bet, call the authorities and wash your hands of this bs your mom has willingly created. She obviously does NOT have a sound mind.
I would just like to see proper care for my mother
I will have a conversation with her nurse first thing tomorrow morning! Thank you for your advice!!
The things your brother is doing without consequences makes me angry. I would keep reporting him to APS and the police, as appropriate.
You do not tell us that your mother is incompetent.
Therefore your mother's choices to have an addicted son living with her is solely her decision and her right. Many mothers do just that.
Therefore your mother's choices to give an addicted son her money is solely her choice.
Having notified authorities you have done your due diligence.
The visiting nurse I am quite certain sees much of what you yourself see.
Certainly you are free to speak to her and ask that she keep the communication to herself, but I would also tell her that you have already tried APS and got nowhere, and that your mother is competent and liable for her own choices, and that you are bowing out of this situation.
Then I would STEP AWAY.
Two bickering siblings are not any help to a mother whatsoever.
I would tell my mother that I am so very sorry, and I know she loves her son. But that I cannot deal with the family dynamics anymore and that I am MAKING MYSELF ill with them.
I want you to notice especially here that I did not write that THEY are making you ill, but that YOU are making YOURSELF ill.
I suggest you get help for yourself.
I even suggest you consider moving to a new locality if you are alone, and that's any option.
I wish you the very best. In all truth, your mother and her addicted son are not who I am concerned for. I am concerned FOR you.
"My moms husband had a stroke in May and since then I’ve been going back and forth from Indiana to Michigan (3 hour drive) to help them out. My mom fell down the stairs in November 2020 and has been on the couch ever since, she will not and says she cannot stand up. We have to prepare and serve her meals, do her laundry and dishes etc every day. We are taking care of her everyday house chores too- which is fine, we don’t mind. She refuses medical help any help even a mobile dr, we’ve called agencies etc and we cannot force her to get help. She goes to the bathroom on pads but of course they leak and the couch she lives on for the past year is soaking wet and smelly from urine. Now her feet and legs are severely swollen. We (my brothers and myself) are so sad and getting anxiety and depression due to this situation that we can’t do one thing about. All we can do is make sure she has food and heat and lights are on etc. she has very good insurance and plenty of money - that’s not the issue at all - she is in denial and extremely stubborn!!"
Is anyone the PoA for your Mom? If it's no one then you are basically powerless to do anything until a bigger crisis occurs.
If you are her PoA and she doesn't have a diagnosis of cognitive incapacity this means your authority may not be in force. But if you are ordering the nurse visits, who is paying for it and how is it that your Mom agrees to this?
How do you know the aid is an addict?
It's your Mom's house and your brother's legal address. Even if the nurse does a surprise visit (which may only result in your Mom or brother not allowing her/him to enter) you said APS already did nothing in the past. What would you consider a solution? To get your brother to leave? That's not going to happen unless he goes to jail or your Mom evicts him. That your Mom would voluntarily go into a facility? That also seems unlikely at this point.
There are strategies to enact if she has to go to the ER again (unsafe discharge but then your brother will happily go pick her up), but really need to know if she has a PoA and who it is.
More info would be helpful.
You know how I look at this, if this is how Mom wants to live, oh well. You can't change things. She needs to want changes made.
If the aide is certified by the state, report her for drug abuse. Her license will be pulled if she is required to take a urine test. If she refuses to takebit, her license will probably be pulled.