I would continue until it actually creates a problem for her. You will see it has upset her or staff tell you she suffers anxiety or other behavior changes when you take her back.
Knoxville1: Perhaps you won't know if these outings are confusing her without asking the memory care staff's impression of your mother upon return to the facility. They should have a good take on any changes in behavior. Continue the outings if they see no agitation in your mother. Cease if and when the staff informs you that they're upsetting your mother.
My husband had been in memory care for over 2 years and I have never taken him home because I think it would be very distressing for him. I do take him to the foot Dr., barber shop for a hair cut, a short ride and have taken him to lunch (restaurant only) and for ice cream. I have not taken him for lunch in quite a while because of issues he has. I still take him to the foot Dr., barber shop & ice cream (we sit in the car & eat the ice cream) I feel awful that I can't take him home but I think it would be heart breaking for him. I've asked many people about taking him home & they all agree it wouldn't be a good idea. He has told me that he wants to go home & I tell him when he gets better I'll take him home & that seems to satisfy him. He has not asked me that again in quite a while. It's heartbreaking for me that I can't take him home. I would like nothing better than to have him home with me, but that it not going to happen with his mental condition. I'm sorry you have to make such a decision and I'm sure it's heartbreaking for you. I think not only would it be confusing for her but upsetting to be home and then have to return to the memory care facility. This of course is just my opinion and I'm just trying to give you something to think about. If you've been taking her to your home and she's doing well with that great. I think it's different if it were her home you were taking her too. I visit my husband everyday for about 1 hour to make sure he's doing well, that he's clean, his room is in order and to bring him some cookies & a coke. I wish you well & sending you lots of hugs.
Freqflyer has the best, most logical comment to your question:
"Knoxville1, I would ask the Staff at the Memory Center if they notice any problems with your Mom any time you brought her back from an outing. If they say no problems, then continue. Then, if possible, ask the Staff to notify you once they do start to see any issues, then you can plan accordingly to stop the outings."
Don't fix what isn't broken. If it breaks, THEN stop taking mom on outings. In the meantime, let her enjoy the time she gets to spend with you outside of the Memory Care ALF.
Thank you for asking this. I didn't realize there were so many different takes on the question.
I take my Mom out of MC to either have lunch or dinner either at a restaurant, drive through, or my place. I also take her out when I run errands, so no food involved. She enjoys the time away from the facility since it is a change of scenery. When I bring her back, she doesn't seem agitated or disappointed at all. However, I make it a point to transition her back to the MC staff so that she doesn't feel abandoned.
The MC staff seem happy to let her go and happy when they get her back. Therefore I suspect all is well.
I would ask the staff at MC for their opinion.
Even if you don't take her to your house to eat, maybe you can take her out for just a walk. Again, ask the staff at MC for their opinion. When I go to visit my Mom and we are not going anywhere, I usually bring some fresh fruit to give her like orange slices or grapes or apples. That way, it is just a little something to look forward to, each day.
Perhaps you can, with the activities director, bring the excitement to the care facility to share with all the residents (e.g., magician, story teller/reader, pet tricks, bubble machine, visiting pets, trampoline (LOL).
Ask yourself - Is it confusing Mom when she returns, does it stress her out or does she not want to go back? If the answer is no - then continue to take her. When the answer becomes yes then do not take her out.
I have been told by my 96 year old dads MC not to take him anywhere because he is so confused when he returns. All care is brought to him. I feel bad because he talks a lot about all these places he wants to go but I cannot transport him because of his wheelchair. He seems to live in the past, referring to things he used to do and places he went when he was younger.
No. My husband’s grandmother had dementia and was in MC. Her daughter (my MIL) would take her out for lunch on weekends, or just drive around. It was okay for awhile but soon it was a detriment.
She thought they’d been out of town and “the hotel” wouldn’t let her back inside. Or thought they’d moved away. Once she got back, she couldn’t find her bathroom, wasn’t sure where she was. It stressed her out.
Eventually my MIL realized taking her mother out was something of a selfish act. It was making MIL feel better about having to put her mother in MC. But it wasn’t helping her mother at all.
I visit my mom at her facility and only take her out when absolutely necessary for a couple of reasons....it does confuse her and she asks fifty thousand questions over and over with the new stimulation because she doesn't understand what is going on. The last time I had her in the car she said she had to poop. My mom does not wear depends because she is still continent. I drove like a bat out of hell to get her to a bathroom. I thought to myself that this may be the last time I take her out. It is a lot of work to get her physically ready and out of the memory care facility and it is stressful to both of us. Who she used to be and what she used to enjoy... are no more. I feel like at this stage I need to make her living situation as good as it can be. I take donuts (mom has a sweet tooth) and we listen to music, I sit with her while she has lunch, I talk to her while I fold her clothes, etc. That is what she can handle. With dementia, their world gets smaller and smaller. I think we should accommodate that and not keep trying to make them fit into our world. Just my opinion.
Some excellent points. I especially relate to “not keep trying to make them fit into our world.” I don’t think my mom is past being able to leave her facility, but I will keep your words in mind. Thank you.
Nope. Your mother has lost her personality and common sense reasoning and removing her from the facility may cause confusion or even an unpredicted outburst.
If the visit is not confusing If the visit is not stressful to you or mom If she has no problems when she returns to the MC If it is safe to continue to take her out. If all these things align then enjoy your outing If it confuses her, if it is stressful to or for either of you, if she has problems once she returns to MC, if at anytime you have problems transporting her or she becomes unsteady or in anyway has a problem discontinue the visits back to your house. I suppose the other side of this is...if she does not recognize this place as a place she has been before and it is just a "place, just a house" then the trip to your house has lost it's meaning as far as memories and you can discontinue the lunch at your house and just go out to lunch anywhere.
The answer depends on what you are experiencing with taking Mom home for lunch. If this is distressing to her in any way, then it should be stopped. If it delights her then it should be continued.
Knoxville1, I would ask the Staff at the Memory Center if they notice any problems with your Mom any time you brought her back from an outing. If they say no problems, then continue. Then, if possible, ask the Staff to notify you once they do start to see any issues, then you can plan accordingly to stop the outings.
I don't think it would be helpful to continue to take her out of the facility, even though it's a very nice idea. My frame of reference is that my family and I, including my mom with dementia, had to stay at a friend's house for 3 days and nights in early December while our floors were being refinished. The experience was so incredibly confusing and disorienting to my poor mom she wasn't the same for weeks even after we got home. At home she is still able to make tea, fix herself snacks, choose what channels to watch on TV. While we were at the other house she panicked whenever she was alone in a room, even momentarily.
My mother was in NH care and loved to visit her home. It was a different situation than memory care. Can you tell if the outings are a comfort or a source of further confusion to your mother? If you suspect it’s adding to her confusion, I’d encourage you to take favorite meals or treats to her so she won’t miss out on enjoying your cooking
It usually confuses them. Try taking your home cooked meal to her memory care and enjoy it there with her. Chances are she won’t even notice you’re not taking her to your home any more. It seems very important for them to feel comfortable where they now live, so pursue that.
I found that removing my mother from her familiar surroundings at MC caused her to be disoriented and to get upset. I intended to take her to my house frequently when I moved her to a MC closer to me, but I never brought her once.
Dementia patients need structure in their surroundings, and what would be a treat to anyone else is upsetting and stressful to them. Bring dinner to her place and eat with her there instead. I brought my mom Mexican food from the local restaurant, and that made her day. She never once went to that restaurant, but just the treat of her favorite food was enough.
I guess OP will not be returning.
I feel awful that I can't take him home but I think it would be heart breaking for him. I've asked many people about taking him home & they all agree it wouldn't be a good idea. He has told me that he wants to go home & I tell him when he gets better I'll take him home & that seems to satisfy him. He has not asked me that again in quite a while. It's heartbreaking for me that I can't take him home. I would like nothing better than to have him home with me, but that it not going to happen with his mental condition.
I'm sorry you have to make such a decision and I'm sure it's heartbreaking for you. I think not only would it be confusing for her but upsetting to be home and then have to return to the memory care facility. This of course is just my opinion and I'm just trying to give you something to think about.
If you've been taking her to your home and she's doing well with that great. I think it's different if it were her home you were taking her too.
I visit my husband everyday for about 1 hour to make sure he's doing well, that he's clean, his room is in order and to bring him some cookies & a coke.
I wish you well & sending you lots of hugs.
"Knoxville1, I would ask the Staff at the Memory Center if they notice any problems with your Mom any time you brought her back from an outing. If they say no problems, then continue. Then, if possible, ask the Staff to notify you once they do start to see any issues, then you can plan accordingly to stop the outings."
Don't fix what isn't broken.
If it breaks, THEN stop taking mom on outings.
In the meantime, let her enjoy the time she gets to spend with you outside of the Memory Care ALF.
I take my Mom out of MC to either have lunch or dinner either at a restaurant, drive through, or my place. I also take her out when I run errands, so no food involved. She enjoys the time away from the facility since it is a change of scenery. When I bring her back, she doesn't seem agitated or disappointed at all. However, I make it a point to transition her back to the MC staff so that she doesn't feel abandoned.
The MC staff seem happy to let her go and happy when they get her back. Therefore I suspect all is well.
I would ask the staff at MC for their opinion.
Even if you don't take her to your house to eat, maybe you can take her out for just a walk. Again, ask the staff at MC for their opinion. When I go to visit my Mom and we are not going anywhere, I usually bring some fresh fruit to give her like orange slices or grapes or apples. That way, it is just a little something to look forward to, each day.
She thought they’d been out of town and “the hotel” wouldn’t let her back inside. Or thought they’d moved away. Once she got back, she couldn’t find her bathroom, wasn’t sure where she was. It stressed her out.
Eventually my MIL realized taking her mother out was something of a selfish act. It was making MIL feel better about having to put her mother in MC. But it wasn’t helping her mother at all.
That is what she can handle. With dementia, their world gets smaller and smaller. I think we should accommodate that and not keep trying to make them fit into our world. Just my opinion.
She is at the stage now that she just wants to stay in her safe environment.
Personally, I would just visit your mother at the home, her home.
If the visit is not stressful to you or mom
If she has no problems when she returns to the MC
If it is safe to continue to take her out.
If all these things align then enjoy your outing
If it confuses her, if it is stressful to or for either of you, if she has problems once she returns to MC, if at anytime you have problems transporting her or she becomes unsteady or in anyway has a problem discontinue the visits back to your house.
I suppose the other side of this is...if she does not recognize this place as a place she has been before and it is just a "place, just a house" then the trip to your house has lost it's meaning as far as memories and you can discontinue the lunch at your house and just go out to lunch anywhere.
Dementia patients need structure in their surroundings, and what would be a treat to anyone else is upsetting and stressful to them. Bring dinner to her place and eat with her there instead. I brought my mom Mexican food from the local restaurant, and that made her day. She never once went to that restaurant, but just the treat of her favorite food was enough.