Aunt (94) will be moving in with me for 3 mos. while caregiver has surgery. Should I install a bidet adaptor?

Update for Gardenartist or anyone else who is following this thread. Talked to ins. agent & YES, we & Aunt are covered with our homeowners ins. Also anyone else who would be helping me with her care. No workman's comp. but liability & medical.

Not going to try for the DPOA right now, not even a temporary one as R is adament against it.. even so far as not letting me get Aunt & forgoing his surgery if I were to 'push" it . So for now just the AD & a simple contract between R & myself.

Yes I realize that this could be a bit risky but the alternative is to lose contact with my Aunt again & I do not think there is another 3 or more years to find her again. Especially since R will not/does not let us know when something is wrong.

Trying to find a way to word the Gen Contract so that R does not take offence & gets Aunt all worked up about "See, I told you she doesn't really care for you, just want to get her hands on your finances."

Life is such a tight rope... The only time you are free of all this is as a small child. It goes in stages: first young adult. Than young wife & Mother of young children. Than teenage children. Than children as young adults with problems & children of their own who still come to you for help, advice, & assistance. Than caring for your adult parents, or relatives, & sometimes spouses, also sometimes adult children. Finally you yourself may slip away from reasoning & need help yourself & just who is there?

Was always told I was put on this earth to help others but sometimes it just gets to be too much. I know that my problems are as nothing compared to those of you who deal with so much more. Sorry for my momentary self pity . As I was told years ago "It is time to get over it & get on with what needs to be done."

If I have forgotten anything please advise. Time is getting short. 4th of July weekend to handle first for husband, his business, & various problems with/ related to 3 daughters. Than logistics of going to get Aunt & transport her back to my house from the state she currently is in. Trying to make sure that everything is in place before I leave on the 9th of July. Will be back here on the 10th. One day to go get her, spend the night & return the next day. I will not be allowed to get her things packed into my car the evening I arrive there, not allowed to even come to the residence until the morning of the day we leave. R fought with me about this small arrangement as he didn't even want me to come to the house but do a handoff & transfer out in the middle of nowhere by the side of the road. Finally convinced him that I just could not drive 8+ hrs., do a trade off, & return all in the same day. This was his suggestion when he couldn't drive more than 3-4 hrs. total as his health & physical condition would not permit it. I must stop now, I am beginning to sound too whiny to myself.

12wondering, I don't think you're whining at all - the commitment you've undertaken is a very substantial one, and in the context of the logistics you've described… you do absolutely *have* to do this, do you?

R being the caregiver who has to have back surgery, and seeing as you are offering very substantial help, and given that he is being - well, really, extraordinarily obstructive in the circumstances…

You're very patient to be tolerating these terms that he's putting in your way, that's all. Speaking for myself, faced with that attitude, I'm afraid I'd be suggesting he make his own arrangements if he didn't like the ones I had to offer. I admire your forbearance.

Countrymouse: Thank you! And thank you to all who have helped me with understanding what I have to do & giving me the support that I need to undertake this stage of my Aunt's life.

Since the only other option that R has been able to come up with is a NH & it is felt by all considered that this would be detrimental to aunts life & quality of life, not to mention her wishes. I can see no other alternative. Besides, I will have access to my Aunt as will her nieces, grand-niece, & grand-nephews. ( my children & grand children ) Something which we have been denied for too long.

Update on circumstances re: getting Aunt & transferring her to my home.
It did not happen! "R" refused to sign ANY forms or papers of any kind.

I drove to pick-up Aunt as agreed. Checked into room, called them to let them know that I was there. Was still denied ability to come & see Aunt, though we were able to talk on the phone with "R" standing there and overhearing the conversation as the phone used was his & he placed it on speaker mode.

Also talked to "R" numerous times about pick-up, where, & when. Was told that it had to be at a specific time & that at no time would I be allowed any further than the drive in front of his garage where HE would load the 2 containers of her belongings into my car & also assist my Aunt into car.

At this time I asked if he, "R", could have 2 friends or neighbors there so that we could sign a General Agreement outlining the agreed upon conditions for this temporary transfer of care. Boy was that a fireworks display! "R" refused to sign ANY PAPERS. Said that I was not to be trusted & that I had no right to contact any legal represantitive, or to even discuss this with our Ins. agent.
Also stated that Aunt was a reasoning adult who was in charge of her own dicisions so he was not going to sign anything about care, transfer, or transport.

OK, so it was than agreed to make a new agreement between my Aunt & myself, leaving him out of it. He was fine with this at first but after Aunt & I worked out the wording he still balked. So back to sq1uare one. Aunt & I reworded the agreement a second time. All was fine between us. It was set for me to pick her up in the morning. Breathed a sigh of relief, went to get something to eat, it being almost 10 P.M. & I had not eaten since 6:30 A.M.

I make it a habit not to answer my cell phone when in a restraint, so phone was in my purse on low ring. I did not hear it ring & only discovered that there had been a call & message after I returned to my room.

Needless to say the message was not a good one. In the interval "R" had yet again convinced Aunt not to sign any papers so was told that though she (AUNT) was so "very sorry for any inconvenience; that it just was not going to be possible at this time for her to come "visit" me even though she had been very much looking forward to it." As the time was late (after 11P.M.) & I knew that Aunt was already in bed I waited to call her/them until the morning.

Got the same run around. It was suggested that maybe this could be undertaken again in 2-3 weeks. I informed Aunt that I was not going to put myself through this again & that even though I love her exceedingly, I was not going to put myself through this ordeal again. Had been advised by husband to return home. # 2 daughter was also going through this artea on her way back to CA so she stopped to help me & to ascertain what the circumstances & conditions were. She was also of the opinion that the best thing for me to do was just turn around and go back without my Aunt. Yes she too heard some of the phone conversations, including the one where it was stated the "R" had POA & was not going to relinquish any control even temporarely.

"R" is very paranoid. His cell phone is not in his name. Refuses to have any dealings with any gov or state agency. Distrusts all lawyers or any legal refferances or input. Just googled the address of the property that he supposedly owns where my Aunt resides. ( finally got the address from him) Though he has told my Aunt that he built it himself from hand. I discovered that the house was built in 1926 & his name is not on the property taxes but the original owner is still listed. Something pretty strange going on here.

I have been in phone contact with my Aunt to let her know that I returned home safely & that my daughter got to her destination also . I will keep in contact with her as much as I can, while I can. (Hope that her phone is not taken away or the number changed.) Much as I would like to call her more frequently I cannot do so at this time without raising supicions.

Please amend "restraint" to restaraunt. I so dislike auto correct. Also please overlook any other misspellings.

12, so you are off the hook and a good thing too. Something very odd is going on, I have a feeling. Did you look up address on County Assessor's website? Are you able to search by owner name? Where is aunt's previous home? Do you know who owns it?

I'm so sorry to learn of the ordeal that R is putting you through. However, it doesn't surprise me. From your earlier posts, I thought there was something odd about R but couldn't really put my finger on it other than thinking of control and sequestering. As I read your post today, it came to me "undue influence."

This almost sounds like a hostage situation with your aunt suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. It seems he has a tremendous amount of control over her, which I think is very unhealthy and very suspicious. However, given her physical limitations, I can see that she could very easily have come to rely on him as her window to the world.

However, you have literally gone to hell and back to make this situation work out and I think your decision to just move on is a very wise one. With R's hostiliy and lack of cooperation, there were just too many issues that required cooperative agreement.

Now that you're home, breathe a sigh of relief, recognize that you've done as much as you can and that at least you don't have to deal with R any more.

It doesn't surprise me that R is very paranoid and not trusting. I can't envision him as looking like one of the Duck Dynasty clan, literally living off the grid and belonging to some radical militia group.

Glad & Garden: yes I am "off the hook" except for my own emotional hook.
No I will not go back on decisions made. Feel sad for circumstances. Aside from legal channels do not feel there is anything else to be done, and since I do not think that my Aunt is in any physical harm, I plan to leave things as they are. It would benefit no one to stir up a hornets nest and disrupt my Aunts remaining years.

Slept well on return home & I have a clear conscience.

LOL... not Duck Dynasty. Picture an ageing Chuck Norris without botox, facials, or hair dye. R was also heavy into martial arts when he was younger. Just way off the deep end! As far as I can ascertain from conversations with Aunt & R he doesn't even trust ANY groups. Is a loner much like the Uni-Bomber. But can't afford to seclude himself in the woods, so he uses trusting people to live under the radar.

One of the conversations we had revolved around ethnic lines... he dislikes anyone who is not white caucasian. The funny thing is that my family is from a German/Jewish, Scots, & Cherokee heritage. I am over half . Dark skinned with dark brown/black (now touched with silver) hair. My Aunt also has many ethnic features including high cheekbones, dark hair, & a some what flatish face though pale skinned.

Going to try and get back to life & not obsess about this predicament over much.

On an aside, I was able to return most of the things that we got for Aunts comfort & care.

Maybe his contrariness with you is just plain racism. He certainly wouldn't be my cup of tea!

Dear 12: I think you dodged a bullet here, although I so admire your tenaciousness and devotion to your aunt. In a situation like this, I would ordinarily think of calling APS or some other agency for a wellness check on your Aunt, but it sounds as though she is physically find (and wouldn't accept any treatment in any event) and "government involvement" might send R off the deep end. How is he going to accomplish his surgery? Are there other family members who can look after aunt while he's recuperating? And no, I wouldn't put myself through any of his "hoops" again. His resistence to your trying to protect yourself and your property by consulting your lawyer and ins. agent remind me of my ex who told me that I shouldn't consult a lawyer when we were getting a divorce. (!) Riiiiiiiiight. Trust your gut.

I believe his reluctance to sign anything is because he has plundered the trust and doesn't want to go to jail. He has kept aunt away from everyone, under his total control, and she has no way of knowing what he has done with her assets, other than what he tells her. He is her only window to the world. Very sad.

LOL! Not mine either! However, I don't think it is pure racism though he is a racist. Ignorance & fear more likely.

Dear 12wondering: I have read this entire thread and I am "wondering: why iis everyone tiptoeing around this situation. Much more important why in Heaven's name would you and your (absent) husband continue to allow a person whose actions of which you are aware (and which include theft, coercion, i.e., getting your Aunt to sell her family home, something that would seem to be in conflict with the trust setup for her protection by your Uncle, the commingling of the trust's funds with his, if indeed he had any) would make him easily certifiable as a psychopath, and see him indicted in most courts in the land; WHY would you walk away from those premises and leave your poor blind 94-old-Aunt in this maniac's clutches. He should be arrested! Your Aunt should be living in the safety of your home where she will have a devoted and loving niece seeing to her care. It will not take her long to unburden herself of the trials and tribulations she has been through and to see that you only have her best interests at heart and in mind. The questions about taxes, 1099's and all of that stuff have very little relevance in this situation. Should your aunt live with you as I am certain anyone with knowledge of true situation would insist upon for her well-being in a New York minute, this sum of money would be seen as the expenses of purchasing her fresh vegetables, buying over the counter medications and those other things that will make her life comfortable, and doing as needed the little things that need to be done around your house so that her care and comfort is assured and your own peace of mind is a given.

I believe you must go back there to remove your Aunt from what in a flash could turn into a dangerous situation, and you must return in the company of a member of the local sheriff's office or whatever law enforcement office has jurisdiction over the area. This man is a racist and he is a user and abuser of women. He "kidnapped" your aunt (there really is no other nice way to describe what he did) and he purposely kept her whereabouts unknown to her closest relative for three years. Frankly I'm surprised he started this whole thing but he must have really needed the surgery or else he would've never allowed you this opportunity, one you should jump at in order to save your Aunt from living with that man. Eventually a court of law will by necessity become involved and you will be able to see it work out the ramifications of her financial situation and even possibly find out what he has done to over-ride the trust in her name. I urge you to move quickly. And I wish you God speed. I will pray for you and your Aunt and I know things will work out as they should. You are a kind, caring person who tried to do the right thing, and you will do it and you will get help. Please go it!

It feels to me as though this is one of those entrenched family situations where change is hard to effect if the victim resists removal. If 12 can work behind the scenes without endangering aunt or herself, then that's something for her to work on if she chooses. I suspect that in the long run, this situation is even more complex than it appears to us.

Madeline,

While your instincts might be right and you certainly are a concerned person, there are some issues of proof involved with what you and probably some of us suspect this man has done.

Although I haven't reread all the posts today, I did read them as this situation was progressing, and I don't recall that he has actually given any documentation to 12 that she could use as a basis to prove that he's raided the Trust. She would need more than a suspicion to involve law enforcement.

There has to be some evidence of a crime having been committed for law enforcement to go to R's premises and remove 12's aunt.

I don't necessarily disagree with your suspicions but from what I know, I (unfortunately) don't see any probable cause. I suspect R could explain away each and every allegation you've raised against him, including the kidnapping one.

I do think that he has exploited the situation, but I don't know how 12 could get her aunt removed as R refuses to cooperate on any level.

Still, I think you're kind to share your concerns and the urgency of taking action.

I suspect 12 has gone through several emotional ups and downs during the ordeal and would really prefer to have her aunt with her, but has met with an immovable obstacle (and perhaps unstable person) in R.

ba8alou: No R has no other options except NH for Aunt. The only relatives are myself, & my children & grandchildren. Not going to be any help there. He has a daughter who as far as I know hasn't spoken to him in years. That's it.

I know that his back was injured over 30 some years ago. He could have had it fixed anytime since than. Surely before my Uncle became ill & died, or during the time that he was angry & not speaking to my Aunt because of the conditions of the trust.

Found it strange that he mentioned before all broke loose that since I would be picking up Aunt early in the morning that he could go down & have knee surgery that afternoon. Not positive, but pretty sure that that has to be scheduled ahead of time. He also stated that at this time he was not going to be able to have neck surgery because of his age & not being a good candidate. Pretty much same for back. Again sounds pretty strange , the whole just walk into clinic / have surgery/ leave bit. But through all of these negotiations the fact that he is so wrapped up in his own stories is self evident.

R may have sociopathic tendencies, but has kept everything within the parameters of the law. To bring in any agencies would only serve to upset my Aunt and as she seems to be fine with things the way they are I feel it is best to leave things as is. ( This references frenchmadeline's remarks) GA is also correct in her assertions above.

The whole point of any of this was & is to give peace to my Aunt & disrupting her perceived contentment would not serve that case. No matter how well meaning it would be nor how much it would benefit her. The bottom line is that if she were to be uncomfortable at this stage no amount of good intentions would give her peace during her remaining time. It brakes my heart & yes my first intention is to RUN In & right this horrible wrong. But what really would it serve except to upset my Aunt & placate my sense of wrong being done to her. I will not sacrifice her for my well being. As long as there is no evidence of harm being done to her . Yes, there is an emotional harm but she is not aware of it.

I have consigned her care to God's will & abiding love. And pray that she will not realize the extent of the worry or hurt that has surrounded her as that would destroy her.

There is also the possibility that if SS or APS were to get involved or the courts that Aunt would be taken against her wishes & placed in a facility that would not corraspond with her wishes or beliefs. That to me would be even more untenable. The rest are just things.

As I stated before Aunt DOES NOT believe in any form of medical assistance even over the counter . The only type of medicinal care that would be exceptable would be dietary. That being said, she is 94 so some form of care that is sustaining her is there.

Again I appologize for combining thoughts from different threads & comments into one response. Thank you all for your care & thoughts.

It sounds as though he's got a poor grip on reality...

Frankly I do not see how your conscience can be clear when you have left your blind, crippled 94 aunt who you love like a Mother, in the care of an elderly man who "may have sociopathic tendencies" but has kept the things he has done "within the parameters of the law." IMO that last part is a very questionable judgment and if this brings you any comfort I do not see how or why.

I will throw out one last consideration: this R performs as your Aunt's only "caregiver" and yet he is of advanced age and has numerous physical disabilities to the point of requiring surgery, some of which he apparently isn't in well enough condition to have. How can this person care for himself, let alone provide 24/7 care for your Aunt. How is she bathed? Who provides clean clothes and under-garments? What nutritious food is being prepared for her? Who spends time with her, talking to her, listening to her thoughts and concerns? Who reads to her? I cannot believe that any person would upon reviewing the conditions and circumstances of your aunt's present care, in fact her present existence, as you have described it in this forum, and knowing what this R person has done in her name as far as her house etc., and reflecting upon the fact that this same R person is the one and seemingly only person to whom your aunt must turn for a nurturing caring, indeed calming and loving presence, no one in his right mind (and I am choosing my words very carefully) would approve of this situation nor would they allow this "caregiving" relationship to go any further. No one! You are adamant that your Aunt will not go to a Nursing Home. You also seem to think that removing your Aunt from this horrific life would be "bad" for her. You cannot possibly believe this. Your Aunt would be so much better off in a nursing home that it is criminal to allow her to stay with this person. Are you really looking out for your Aunt's best interests? Why are you so afraid of calling in an impartial third party (like Elder Source, the local Council on Aging, Adult Protective Services) to have them review the care your Aunt now receives and how she lives? You are adding to your Aunt's current abuse and mistreatment if you fail to do anything about this R person.
If APS were to appear tomorrow because this R person had a sudden and fatal heart attack, what would you say to them? Have you really done everything you could to make sure that your Aunt's remaining years (my Grandmother lived to 100!) on Earth are the best and most comfortable for her as is possible. I ask you to please reconsider your clear conscience. I am sorry but frankly your conscience, based on all that you yourself have documented here, does NOT deserve to be "clear". I would bet the little money I have left that an honest introspective look by you into your heart of hearts would show you otherwise, too. It has to.

In my volunteer work I see family members caring for elderly relatives all of the time. I visited one Saturday. A daughter had to quit her lucrative full time job to care for her Mother who had a stroke in January. It is hard 24/7 care and if a daughter can do it that is a tremendous stroke of family luck. But in a situation such as this someone other than a lunatic like this R person should be the primary caregiver; otherwise the elderly person would do so much better in the professional care of a well-run nursing home.)

Good luck to you and God bless.

Madeline, perhaps your intentions are well but you're really overstepping your boundaries to be so verbally abusive to 12. And you're also expressing a very personal opinion that 12's aunt would be better off in a nursing home. For someone who's blind, a transfer to a nursing home would I think be severely disorienting and disruptive to her life.

This isn't an ideal situation. Most caregiving situations are not. And that includes situations in which immediate family members are the caregivers.

Enough badgering is enough. You don't have insight into the hearts and minds of others to make the verbal accusations that you're making. Regardless of your intent and the fact, the manner and method of your approach isn't helpful.

Madeline - the religious beliefs of the aunt trump what you believe. She believes in no medical intervention, no doctors, no nurses, no facilities, nothing. Personally, I don't believe in all that. However, I RESPECT each persons right to follow whatever they believe in. Period.

Thank you GardenArtist!

frenchmadiline: Yes, I have contacted authorities. And as I stated above, without any proof or confirmation from anyone else (or Aunt) there is nothing that can be done. Everything has been done with permission of Aunt & within the dictates of the letter of the law.

It is not illegal to wish to remain someplace, nor to refuse state/government/church care as long as there is no indication of harassment or duress. Her health is GOOD except for the loss of vision due to advanced macular degeneration & the deforming/crippling of her hands & feet from arthiritize (sp). Both of which occurried well before her voluntary move to R's home. This is someone who she has known for 46 yrs. Though not family, it is and was her choice to go there instead of coming to stay with family .

This is extreamly painful, but I am trying to do as SHE wishes. Not as I would prefer things to be. Not everyone thinks & feels the same & we MUST learn to except those different beliefs.

I appreciate your concern & pray that your anger can be tempered & dissipated. Yes I do feel that I am at peace with what has transpired even though it is not as I would have wished.

Good job, GA! Occasionally on this site I see extremely judgmental posts from people that know nothing about another's situation and it irritates the heck out of me! We are all here to learn from each other in a safe environment where we listen and help others.

GardenArtist. I presume you believe that someone had better step in and defend 12 from the bully, Madeline, me. No doubt you feel your comment attacking me for being "so verbally abusive" to 12 is correct. No doubt you think I am intruding and way off limits by "expressing a very personal opinion" and I imagine you mean by that that no one else writing on this forum or who has only read and not commented on this infuriating thread, would agree with me that this frail woman, blind, crippled and 94-years-old, actually might have a good chance at a better existence in a smoothly functioning nursing home while under the care of a professional staff, where as a matter of course her every move and personal need will be met by attendants working around the clock and according to strict guidelines and established practices, and who are at the end of the day subject to the threat of immediate dismissal should their behavior on the job conflict or veer outside the realm of these strict industry standards. Contrast this nursing-home situation please with her present situation in which she is living in a virtually "closed" environment, as was described by 12 herself, in which her every move, desire and basic need or otherwise, whether met or unmet, has to first and foremost go through R, the unstable, disabled caregiver, (continually referring to this man as "R" adds not only absurdity to 12's poor aunt's every-day situation but worse it adds a touch of menace that I find truly frightening) who it appears somehow managed to hold on and work his way forward, through an extremely disturbing and highly questionable past relationship with 12's aunt. And at that, I say the time is here and ripe for a clean break, to remove the aunt from this caregiver's "care" and to do so before something awful were to happen. You believe I am overstepping my boundaries. Frankly I don't see how 12 could go on being so clueless. I was shocked and livid that some others thought 12 "dodged a bullet" because she wast able to get her aunt out of R's house. (Did anyone take a few minutes to consider the kind of person that would force another to "dodge a bullet.") I stopped myself from voicing stronger opinions, believe me, GardenArtist. Just as I have stopped myself from giving voice to other probing questions, ones that would delve deeper into the relationship vis-a-vis everyone to everyone else, just so a clearer picture of what is going on here could be drawn. The aunt is a helpless pawn caught between a rock and the hard place, with the love of money at the root of this I am certain. I also believe that not all of the facts have been laid on the table, and I think 12's original question regarding purchasing a bidet for her 94-year-old aunt's use for the three month stay, does not even come near to passing the laugh test. If I lived next door to either R or 12 the local APS (or EPS as it is called where I live) would have been called in by now. All in all considering my doubts about 12's veracity I believe my "badgering" was rather tame. The accusations I considered making were not made; that was my concession to the caring people on this forum simply because I did not want to see all hell break loose on these pages. I am a stressed out caregiver who like most people here simply wants to see the right thing done. I know enough to know when something is wrong and can sense when it is wrong in a big way. That "this (i.e., 12's leaving her aunt to remain with and under the control of R) isn't an ideal situation" certainly is a massive under-statement.

Equillot. I just now noticed your comment. Nothing I said has to do with the aunt's religious beliefs. I believe the aunt is not safe under the same roof as that unstable caregiver R. That the aunt does not want any medical attention of any kind is of course her right and I am not about to address that issue. You probably don't want to read everything I have written to this point but I wanted to at least clear up that misconception in case others believe that also.

frenchmadeline: If you would read things correctly, I was not asking about installing a bidet, but a temporary adaptor onto our existing toilet to assist with the cleansing of the backside & nether regions after defecating & urinating. I thought that it would have been a help in easing the process as someone would have had to raise her from the toilet & hold her in a forward leaning position with one hand/arm while cleaning the area with the other. This would be a necessity as she could not do so herself or hold herself in said position on any support while this was being done. It was decided that this would not be a good alternative as it would more than likely be a shock to her since she would not be used to the spray or be able to know what it was.

I am so very glad that I was able to furnish you with a laugh. As you state that you are "a stressed out caregiver" I hope that you can come to terms with your anger which appears to be all too self evident.

The 3 month time frame was to be a trial period which would have more than likely become a permanent one. Which would have been lovingly & willing acceded to.

It hurts me no end that things did not work out.... not for any monetary means but for shear love. $600. a month for round the clock care, and the loss of any kind of a life or freedom to do anything is not an inducement. Mind you this amount was not for pay but purely for the care, personal needs, & groceries of . Also to be paid from this sum would be any necessary extras; such as having someone come into my home to assist me with the bathing, shampooing of hair,& tending to feet ( cracked heels & trimming of deformed toenails) of my Aunt. As I am 65 it would be a considerable task to attempt this by myself.

If I did not mention it before, Aunts food would be separate from & different from mine.as she is a vegetarian & I am not & all foods would need to be kept separate & prepared separately. No comingling.

There would be no possibility of benefiting from any of this care as the trust states that upon her demise the secondary is to be her husbands son from a previous marriage. . My only hope was to be able to spend time with & be able to care for her. Something that has been denied.

In conclusion, since I seem to be causing such discord I shall stop responding to any further distractions as I am full aware that the majority of people on this site are seeking informative help & support on a very trying time in their lives . Thank you all for your insight & guidance.

To 12wondering. Please accept my apologies for my headstrong response to your dilemma. I have now spent a few additional hours pondering your position and that of your aunt. I do not know and cannot know what is the truth here. I am working of course from my experience in life and what I have picked up away the way, and I have to add to that what I have heard from friends and through my volunteer work, and of course what I have learned from AgingCare and other websites like this. For instance my sweet husband has had all of the problems that R has and unfortunately more. He had both hips and one knee replaced. I took care of him before and after each surgery and I know how extremely limited his movement and functioning was and is right now as I write this while he decides which surgeon will reconstruct his foot. (This is a much tougher surgery than all of the others and it will probably be needed on the other foot as time goes on. But that is not your concern here.) This perhaps is the strongest reason I have for questioning so strongly R's care of your aunt. Of course the details of the way R has gone about arranging his many surgeries leaves a lot of room for doubt. I also truly and honestly do not understand a preference for R's caring for your aunt because as you have said she would lose a degree of "quality of life" if placed in a nursing home. I do not know where you live but certainly in this age and time there should be at least a few local nursing homes and one might be chosen because it is welcoming and clean, is maintained to a high standard and employs a staff that is at least, capable and efficient. Like most families in a situation like this a concerned relative quickly learns which of the staff would be looking after their loved one and it is possible to build sustaining relationships where all share the one goal of looking out for the best interests of the loved one.

You have not painted a pretty picture of R and you have not addressed to what degree your aunt's daily needs are met, and other than her emotional attachment to R, which would be a questionable situation to most health care professionals, and one that might preclude continuing as things are now, I just cannot understand your compliance with R's demands and an attitude that seems like "leaving well enough alone" when it just doesn't seem things are at all "well" in R's house. But since I am not privy to all that should be known I will no longer address your aunt's situation since she has made it to 94 years without any input from concerned people (busybodies?) like me, and she will probably go on a lot longer, and I will hope in living in what is a kind and caring, nurturing atmosphere of love. Good luck to her and to you and God bless you both.

125wondering. I hope you took my reference to having dodged a bullet to refer to being quit of your dealings with R, not of being free of your Aunt! Wishing you well

frenchmadeline: thank you for trying to understand a bit more.

In regard to where I live, suffice it to say that it is a small agricultural community close to an hour away from any of the services you mention. My Aunt however lives in a much more urban area but also less than metropolitan. 2 states away .

Re: her quality of life deteriorating if placed in a nursing facility. The last time she was in a NF even though she is not incontinent, they catheterized her so that they did not have to deal with getting her to the toilet when she need to or even making sure that they would check on her on an hourly basis.

As for bathing & care of her body. Not so good there either. As I have mentioned her hands are "frozen" in a closed hand position. There was NO working with her hands to open them nor to clean the palms or fingers of the closed hand. Just washing of the top of the hand with a wet cloth. As a result, the accumulated dirt,& dead skin, etc. created a gangrenous type of infection & it was suggested that the hand be amputated with the other one possibly following. All because they did not wish to be inconvenienced.

Now granted, this was not a high end NF but the least expensive one that R could find with a minimum of drugging of the "patients". Not even a Christian Scientist facility. Which my Aunt is.

All these things R does do for her, or has a CS practitioner come in to address such issues. So as stated before there is a degree of care. But a callousness of the comforts of care. She still "feels" that she has her dignity even if in truth that may not be the case.