My mother in laws husband passed away. They lived 1200 miles away. Her husband was her caregiver. He died suddenly. Mom is 83. Severe diabetes and neuropathy. Insulin 4 times a day. Her feet are crippled a numb to the knees. Short term memory loss. Heart failure, lungs too. Wheelchair. She agreed to come here and get an assisted living apartment. It’s a very nice place with compassionate staff. 7 miles from me.
She went willingly. But the cooperation has ended. She demands, many times a day, to go home. Understandably.
I have medical POA.
She can’t take care of herself. And we can’t move there.
Does she still have the right to make unreasonable decisions?
Gosh this is scary, traumatic, confusing.

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If Mom can't understand why she can't care for herself, then there is skme cognitive decline.
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It doesn’t sound like she’s competent to make decisions. Have you contacted her doctor about the changes in her attitude and behavior? She may need a med or change in meds that will help to calm her.
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Sounds like she is in no condition to be alone.
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Dscochrain Apr 2020
Thanks for reading and your reply.
she needs 24/7/365.
i tried for 3 weeks while arrangements were made.
Dscochrain, if she has ever been medically diagnosed by a physician with cognitive issues, I would certainly do everything in my power to keep her there. Even without that diagnosis she is displaying illogical, irrational thinking which should also tell you she needs to stay but I don't think you can legally keep her from leaving. It is no longer about what she wants (if it isn't in her best interest)'s about what she needs. As her PoA this arrangement needs to work for the both of you. I manage care from here in MN for 2 very elderlies in FL. They are in their home. It is challenging now but full-blown stress is only a broken hip away. It would be so much easier to have them near me but I can't get that to happen quite yet. Does someone (like any relative) live near your mom if she goes back? If so maybe that person should be her PoA.

You don't give a time-line as to when her husband passed away and how long she has been in the care center. That info would be helpful. Also FYI if she does have some dementia, her asking to "go home" sometimes means her childhood home, as many on this forum will tell you. May you have peace in your heart over your decision.
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Dscochrain Apr 2020
Thank you so much.
her list of diagnosis is a mile long, bless her heart.
the doctor in North Carolina refuses to send records for some reason, at the request of her new doctor, and the request of the facility, and the request of her long term care insurance.
her husband passed Feb 19. North Carolina.
she entered her apartment March 6. Texas.
she fell 4 times in between.
her blood pressure gets nuts, like 185/50.

no one lives near her home.
my husband has 2 half brothers.
we are all on the same page.
everyone but mom .
we checked into in home care.
not enough $ for that.
the facility went into virus lockdown after she was there one week.
i got her a GrandPad so the family could video chat.
wow, torture.
i took care of my husbands dad 14 years he lived with us. And my dad and mom too. Long story. I ran my own assisted living you could say.
i never experienced this type of anger with them.
We mostly had fun.
wow it’s worse than any 2 yr old tantrum I’ve ever seen.

it seems like legally, if she goes home, that would be elder abuse or abandonment.
im trying to get bipolar meds and or antidepressant

I have legal and medical poa effective immediately.

we have all tried redirect conversing.
doesnt work.

she has changed her mind and mad.

she interacts with the staff great.
when asked, she says it’s a wonderful place.

she is enjoying abusing her sons it seems.

so we just say, Call again when you feel better.

i don’t think it will get better after the lockdown ends.

i will just pay bills and monitor care and let the staff handle it.

the only person in North Carolina she calls is her lawyer.

im trying to be the adult.
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If she’s still mentally competent, she has the right to make her own decisions no matter how bad they are. Your POA doesn’t give you control over her, it doesn’t allow to you stop her from going me unless she’s incompetent.
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Poor MIL. So sad that she’s lost her caretaker/husband. He must have been a great guy to care for her with so many health issues.
She is grieving and missing her husband and her home. You sound sympathetic but now this.
You mention short term
memory issues. Does she remember her husband has passed? Does she realize how much help she needs?
Do you handle her finances?
The POA will have directions. Have you read it? Does it require a doctor or two to state that she is unable to make decisions before it becomes valid or is it one that gives you authority from the moment it’s signed? Is there anyone else to take this on, back where she lived?
Legally you may not have the right to stop her, but how would she manage it?
What many would do is take advantage of what is at hand. Tell her there is no travel allowed during the virus outbreak. Each person is to remain at home. Maybe not in your town but through the cities she would need to travel. Tell her there are no flights. Did she live in her own home or in IL? I’m assuming her own home. So it’s a big adjustment for her.
Do make sure she gets all the medical attention she needs. UTI check. Maybe her meds need adjusting. Is her diabetes controlled? That can make for a lot of irritable behavior if it is out of range. Who manages her shots? Takes her blood sugar?
Look up Teepa Snow on YouTube and watch how she deals with redirecting those with dementia. It’s really useful.
So my answer would be to stall regardless of her “rights”. Put her off. If she can’t understand about the virus it could be her short term memory is a little worse than you thought. We would all like to go back to a more manageable time. That’s sometimes what “going home” signifies.
Roads can be out, doctors are unwell, House needed repairs, car is in the shop, any reason that gets you away from the subject one more day.
Then start them all over as she will not have remembered.
She will adjust but she may need an antidepressant. She’s been through a lot. Stay Safe.
Helpful Answer (4)
Dscochrain Apr 2020
thank you so much for the generous and helpful reply.
i will do all of it. 🙏🏻😍
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