My 92 yr. old Mom has been living with me for over 8 years and the time has come for her to move to an assisted living facility. She wants to move to Las Vegas or Florida where she has friends. I live in the Northeast and think she should be closer to me. She doesn't value the help and care I have given her so it makes sense that she is willing to move away. Although, it would be less expensive to have her move to either of these places and easier for me, I do feel conflicted because I know better. She, however, is very stubborn and says that I am not her Boss. Any thoughts on this matter is appreciated!
Even in the early stages of Dementia their ability to reason is gone. You can't argue with them.
Has Mom been diagnosed and shown incompetent to make informed decisions? Do you have POA? If yes to both, you now make the decisions. And as Alva said, if she is 92 how old are her friends? Probably in the same boat. So no help there. And she shouldn't expect their children to help they have their hands full. (Oh yeah she could think this. No longer able to think logically)
What I would do, for now, is place her nearby telling her you will look into places in Fla and LV. Saying that because they are farther away its going to take some time. Just a little fib. When she asks, tell her your working on it maybe even show pictures of places. Maybe eventually she'll get used to the AL and forget about FL and LV.
We all know you will never move her to either place but you have to humor her. Really, logically, how are you going to get her to FL or LV. I live in NJ, I would never drive a someone suffering from Dementia on a 2 or 3 day trip to Fla or fly. Been to Vegas and would not fly a person with Dementia from Philly especially if incontinent. And then getting them thru security. You never know how they will react to unfamiliar things.
Why didn't Mom go live in FL or LV 8 yrs ago? Be aware that this is all in her head. Like a 4 yr old she wants what she wants. She does not realize what goes into moving her and trying to care for her this far away. Actually, she probably doesn't see herself as an old woman of 92. In her mind she maybe lots younger. It comes down to its not what she wants anymore but what she needs. You are the caregiver and the one this will effect, so you do what you need to do to make it easier for you. So, no asking what she wants, find a nice AL and move her in.
If your Mom is completely rational enough, and able, then such a move is fine as long as she understands you will not be able to visit her nor to address her needs and it is unlikely these friends will be able, and knows that once this is done it is DONE for good, she will have to hire a fiduciary in the area to manage her care as you cannot do it long distance. If she is rational and in enough control of her mental capacities, then she can do this. Otherwise the answer is "No, we cannot possibly do this" and for the reasons above. End of discussion. IF you are her POA.. Only you can judge your Mom's dementia, and how "rational" her ability to make this decision and her understanding of the repercussions are.
Wishing you both good luck and the very best.
Bottom line-elder care isn’t perfect. It helps to have those supports in place. I am that extra set of eyes to make sure her pills are given to her on time, her bed linens are washed, her apartment is clean and she is okay. New doctors at 92? It makes sense that she is near you. Moving across the country at 92 won’t work. The change alone in scenery and routine will be very hard on her and her memory might (will) get worse—not better.
Best wishes to you!
Work with the Social Worker in helping your mom find a Care Manager that can navigate doctor visits and other "problems" that might arise. The cost of a care manager varies.
Does either the Florida or Las Vegas location have a "sister" company in your area? If so you could ask if she can "try on" a community and see if it is to her liking. It would also be important to actually determine how often she spends time with friends. Does she know people that would actually spend time with her and would she be active?
It might also be easier to transfer her from the Florida or Las Vegas facility to one close to you if they have another residence in your area.
I would say...let her make the move at least at this point she is active and wants to do things. You never know what will happen in 6 months, 12, or.....
Yes it might make things more difficult for you IF you try to do everything for her. If there is a crisis you will be contacted, decisions can be made over the phone and if needed you can be on a plane in a matter of hours.
Do you know any of their kids? If so, I’d call them, ostensibly asking about health care and doctors that mom might could go to as she’s planning a move nearby their folks. It could be quite enlightening.
At 92 whatever health issues she has are only going to get worse. Unless she moves into a CCRC with full range of tiered services, that is included in her $$$$ buy-in, she’s going to need others to help her find new doctors, get a pharmacy set up, get her kitchen set up. I’m assuming that mom cannot use any apps so she not ever going Instacart route for groceries, or can use Venmo or Prime.
Make a list of all the things you do for her right now & what services she’s on. Who is gonna do all these in NV or FL?
She needs a reality check. The issue will be that she probably has the beginnings of dementia & can’t …. Im guessing she still appears very competent and cognitive but it’s there lurking. The move to a new place will be a huge stress to her system and only exacerbate her dementia. The world she thought she was moving to happened back in the 1980’s, maybe 1970’s. If something goes amiss, can you immediately drop everything and go to NV or FL to band-aid the problem?
Out of curiosity, does she dislike most people or is it that she flat dislikes you? If so, is there anyone she would listen to as to why it’s best for her to stay in a new place in the NE rather than move states away?
Not one of her close friends ever visited her there.
When she had a stroke, it took my brother 2 hours and me several more hours to get to the hospital. By that time, several really critical errors had been made. (My mom nodded "yes" to everything, ie, do you have diabetes? Have you ever tried to dc insulin? It is really hard).
If your mom is competent and cognizent, she needs to understand that going to an AL NOT near you is a bad idea. If she chooses that, I wouldn't make any of HER emwrgencies YOUR emergencies.
I bought a house across the street from my mom (about 7 years ago.) My brother lived 2 blocks away. She was in her late 80s then and had a neighborhood community of support. But she wanted to sell her house to get her money out of it instead of leaving it to “the heirs”, my brother and me. So she sold her house, bought a mobile home in a park (the monthly expenses which were more than she paid in her home) and the heirs wound up having to drive 20 minutes when she couldn’t operate her tv or thermostat or just to visit. The move was a mistake. And the heirs suffered the consequences. Part of the justification for the move was also the social life she could have at the mobile community. It didn’t happen. She could no longer see well enough to play bingo, and the spry 70s did not want to take on an old lady (my opinion). She did not go to the clubhouse or pool across the street from her home. She was too disabled by then bc of macular degeneration to venture out. So instead she sat home alone waiting for the heirs to visit.
My point is that my mom’s expectations of her abilities—and my expectations—did not match her reality. We are often slow to recognize our limitations. I fear this is the case for your mom, too, and her memories of life with her friends will not match the reality.
One wonders why she didn’t move closer to the friends earlier if this is what she wanted. Do you think any of this is a passive aggressive way of punishing you, who she has lived with these past 8 years? Seems to me that likely she’s feeling hurt about the move to an ALF (where my mom now lives, by the way, tho this is new for us), and is striking out to hurt you by letting you know she doesn’t need you, either. She’ll be fine with her friends. Maybe a conversation about how much you’d miss her if she moved away instead of how hard it would be to navigate the distance would restore her feelings of worth.
Wishing you both love in working out these complications. (Note: my mom is in a Florida ALF, with my brother nearby, after a year of living with me. I am in MS. Tho I am enjoying my break and the chance to sort things out in my own life which were on hold while she was with me, it’s too far. I wish I lived close by so I could visit, take her out, enjoy her. I am going to have to figure this out.)
Wishing us both clarity, peace and quality time with our loved ones.
Your mother doesn't have to value the care you've given her over the years or appreciate one single thing you've done for her in order for you to help her make the right decision now. Her 'friends' in Las Vegas or Florida won't do anything to help her once she moves there, and once again, YOU will be the 'go-to' girl for everything, except you'll be far away. Making everything harder and more expensive for you to handle. It makes no sense at all for her to be so far away from you. My mother is 94 and lives in Memory Care AL 4 miles away. I'll give you ONE example of ONE crisis I had to deal with recently. She had swollen feet and legs so the new shoes she insisted she needed wound up not fitting. First of all, I had to go buy them for her and drive them over to the MC to begin with. 2 weeks later when the nurse called to say they didn't fit, I had to drive over to Wal Mart to buy her 6 pair of MEN'S shoes in various sizes to see which ones would fit her swollen feet, wait while the nurse tried them on her feet, then bring back the extras to Wal Mart for a refund. Then I had to go home and order diabetic socks from Amazon b/c she refused to wear regular socks b/c they were hurting her ankles. That is one small story about how I had to run myself ragged on her behalf. What would have happened if I was 1000 miles away?
With dementia, you as POA get to make the decision about which ALF mother gets to live in. If she thinks that's bossy, so be it. Sorry mom, but I am still going to have a million things to do for you while you're in AL (and that is the God's honest truth) so you need to be close by. Period. Anyone suggesting you tell your mother to 'manage on her own' just doesn't get it. The facility will be calling you constantly b/c they cannot make decisions for demented elders; AL is for fairly independent elders who don't need a ton of assistance, in reality.
Wishing you the best of luck doing what's best for YOU and for your mother. There are TWO lives involved here, not just one, in reality. I've been 100% involved with my mother's life since my parents moved back here in 2011 when dad couldn't drive anymore. I am an only 'child' and I'm IT; the go-to gal for everything. "Stubborn" parents have no problem picking up the phone and asking us to do a ton for them when they need something.........that's really the truth!
My mom recently died in a hospice house with end stage Parkinson’s disease and mild dementia. I can’t imagine my mom not having been nearby.
This is your decision to make. Having your mom near you is not only for your benefit but also for your mom. Not to be disrespectful of your mom, but she needs your help more than you need her to be happy with your decision. You can live with her being dissatisfied, as unpleasant as it may be.
You are the one who will be called upon for decisions to be made. Her ‘friends’ don’t have any say in her care. For all you know, they won’t even visit her.
I hope things will work out as smoothly as they possibly can. Best wishes to you and your mom.
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