Should I tell my parents with dementia that I have to sell our family home?

I am not certain why you would tell them this, myself. You are currently visiting them in care? What difference could knowing this make to them other than to hurt them.

When you visit them in care do your parents discuss the family home, ask you about it? I would think that would make all the difference in whether you tell them or not. If the family home isn't coming up in discussion then just speak about everything else in your life. Kind of skid past or over such things as "I imagine the lilac's in bloom"?

If you can tell us a bit more we may be able to better answer.

I would tell them that their doctor will not release them back to their old home, they must stay where they are and the house needs to be sold to pay for their new apartment, their future together.

After a while they will forget all about their home.

If your parents have dementia and are in MC due to this and memory impairment, there is no point in telling them the truth, since it will most likely upset them and they may ask you every day, so Groundhog's Day. Tell them the house is fine then change the subject immediately to something else. Whenever they go back to the subject, keep changing it. Dementia robs people of their abilities to work from reason and logic so they cannot come to grips with this change or comfort themselves about it. Therefore, it is merciful to tell them therapeutic fibs about the house and coming home. You will only exhaust yourself revisiting this every day.

When we moved my MIL into AL she kept insisting on being taken back but we told her the HOA was making extensive repairs, or we couldn't do it that day but later in the week. Eventually she stopped asking.

neelloc, time to bring out the "therapeutic fibs". I had found these types of fibs a Godsend when answering my parents. If I had told them what was really going on it would have upset them, and why do that.

Tell them the electricity is off and the power company is working on it but it could take weeks. Tell them the water is off. Tell them the street is being dug up for repaving and it will take awhile.

As for current home vs. childhood home, that's a tough call. I use to think my Mom, who was in a nursing home, was talking about the house where my Dad was still living that they had shared for decades. Until my Mom asked if Dad had put the cows in the pasture. Ah ha, it was Mom's childhood home that she was asking about and the Dad was her own Dad.

So I quickly had to use the fibs again, so not to upset Mom. Any time Mom {90+] would ask to go visit her parents, I would tell her "they are visiting the old country" and that put a smile on Mom's face, as in her mind she remembered how much her parents love to visit the relatives overseas.

Then Mom would ask to visit her siblings [all of whom had passed on], so I had to quickly do a fib that Mom would believe. Again, more smiles :)

Be aware, the house and cars have to be sold at Market and Blue book value if your parents need Medicaid in the future. The proceeds can only be used on Mom and Dad. No large gifting.

I would not tell them. Like said fib.

Yes, tell them. I would be very upset if no one told me, and I was in their position. I’d feel betrayed. Regardless of whether I had dementia or not, for me it would be the principle. I’d want to be told.

Well, I guess it depends on the following:
Are they ever, ever gonna come back to that home? are they ever, ever gonna be driving those cars again? When I took the car away from my Daddy I was the worst daughter ever! Maybe my soul is hard but I didn't care. I knew he was ill and his memory was fading. I would not feel right if he was driving and killed some one and I could have stopped it. While he was in the memory care he asked about his car and I showed him pictures of it. I told him I had just washed it and it was not as shiny as he could have done but when he comes home he can clean it again. He never physically saw that car again and never came home. He's gone now and I know he is looking down knowing in his right mind that I did the right thing. Many think its wrong to say these fibs but is it fair to tell my daddy that yes I sold your beloved car and you will never drive it again. He would have been sad and heart broken at least he had some sort of hope even though it was false hope. And besides maybe he's driving around in heaven in his dream car! :)

Yes, tell them. They bound to find out sooner or later.

If they ask tell them 1 time.
If they do not ask do not mention it.
Keep in mind many people with dementia will say "I want to go home" this does not necessarily mean an actual physical "home" it may mean a time when they were healthy, safe, happy...
Remind them that they are "home". "This is home, this is where you live.

(No matter what, you might want to hold off on talking about it for a few months if you can, by using fiblets--It took my mom about 3 months to get a routine, about 6 months to settle in. By then she just kind of accepted the move.)

Are they understanding that MC is their new home?
If so, then tell them that no-one was in the house, you can't rent it, and they were losing money maintaining it, so it makes sense to sell it so they can pay their rent at their new place.

If they don't understand the need for MC or why they're there, then deploy the fiblets, determining what doesn't upset them. Sometimes that's going to be you telling them that the car is in the shop...always.
This is not an honesty or respect issue, this is determining what information is helpful to share with a person who, along with their memory has lost their ability to process information. They can no longer use reasoning and good judgement, or have insight regarding the need for decisions to be made on their behalf. People with dementia may forget conversations, but they retain emotions, especially negative ones. If finding out their house is going to be sold agitates them, then adjust the story to what they can handle.
Alternatively, you can decide to tell the truth and have the same circular conversation each time, but if you've already placed them, I'm guessing you know how that will go. I do disagree with those who say that telling the truth to a person with anosognosia is best. It's not kind or loving to tell the 'truth' over and over to a person who is not mentally capable of processing the information, when that information upsets them or exacerbates their feelings of loss.

Tell them what is happening when it is happening, especially if they ask. If you are truthful and practical about it and speak about it as a matter of course, they're more likely to stay relaxed about it. Don't make a self-fulfilling prophesy of the trauma by treating the subject as though it's a tragedy for them - it really doesn't have to be.

I share your problem. I am doing this now.
My dad died in Jan 2022, I placed mom in MC at the end of January 2023. And they just moved her less than a week ago from memory care to long term care to separate her from a man that was being too clingy. I know she needs me now but I am out of state, at her house for three days, working on clearing it out. I had already scheduled this with work, etc.
My mom also had many cats. Two indoors and about 5 "stray" cats outside. I finally found someone to adopt both indoor cats. Not sure about the outside ones yet. Mom asks about her kitties and I tell her they are fine. She has now asked me if I have a picture of her favorite one, she says she can't remember what she looks like now. I'm going to have to dig one up somewhere.
Mom does ask about the house occasionally. This last cold spell around Christmas, all the water pipes froze and busted. Mom remembered me telling her this so I tell her there still isn't any water. I did tell her I'd be gone because I am going to check on her house. I'm hoping if she ever asks me outright, if I ever have to tell her, I can remind her of the water is no longer working and tree that fell in the yard, etc. and explain that I couldn't take care of it from long distance anymore and I'll have to sell. I think she will be very sad but will understand. I'm just afraid she will remember this thing and ask every time and I'll have to tell her again and again.
If she doesn't ask, I will always skirt over the conversation and try to deter it.
Every time I'm here at her house (my home growing up) I cry. I never really got to grieve for dad since as soon as he died, I've been taking care of mom. And I'm continually grieving for mom who is lost now and this new woman is in her place. I am packing her things and treating everything like she is already gone when she is not. I hate getting rid of her stuff. I just can't get used to it and it makes me sad.
A lot of people here have great advice. This site has helped more than I can say. Although, some speak so matter of fact about these things that I am having such a hard time with. I think I understand exactly how you feel.
Prayers to you, none of this is easy.

Personally, I wouldn't tell them. If they keep asking how their house is, tell them it's fine. It's not a fib, but you're not providing a bunch of upsetting details about selling it.

My mother would have absolutely lost it if she'd known her beloved home of 50+ years was being sold. As it turned out, we didn't sell it until after she died, but her questions about it stopped pretty quickly after she moved to a nursing home.

My biggest mistake was taking her to it just once when she and I were heading home from lunch one day, we both had to go to the bathroom, and the house was closer than her nursing home. That quick stop to go to the bathroom turned into 90 minutes of her wandering through the house weeping, and I never took her back.

Like many things in dementia (telling someone a spouse has died, for example), the reality of these upsetting events feel like the first time for them and they're just devastated.

Do not tell her. Will it improve her life to know that you sold her house? I can't imagine it would do anything but upset her and for what end? Nope. For example, I just went on vacation to a place that mom always came. Due to her dementia it was obvious that last year was going to be the last time. But I did not feel it would be very nice to rub it in her face that one more thing was being taken from her. She doesn't know we went without her and that's the way it's going to stay.

Best of luck.

We did not tell mom AND she doesnt ask. When mom moved to AL and was doing well, we began to sell the house and car. Mom only asked 1 time about her house “is anyone living there”. At the time no one was living there and it had not been sold. I answered honestly that it was empty and locked. She never asked again. IF mom had been accepting of her condition - it still would not have been a good idea to tell her. It does no good for her to feel grief over her life changing and her not having any control. After 1 year in AL, I got mom a private caregiver 3 days a week for showers and lotions, that increased to 7 days a week at 4 hours a day. The money I was paying AL to do it was a joke! All mom had to say was no and they backed off and didn’t do it, charged me for it and didn’t call me! Mom’s skin became irritated due to the lack of follow up care. I cut that cost and got me a private caregiver who reports to me, texts me daily and has bonded with mom. When mom moved to MC, I kept the carers. It is an extra expense but it is worth it for mom. She has someone who she trusts and loves and feels safe. Staffing changes and some staff are compassionate, but I want routine and companionship for mom. Bottom line: mom forgets a lot but what she remembers are things that disturb her. Knowledge of the sale of her home would not help her. She is safe and cared for and we are good stewards of her proceeds for her care. As mom got more confused-vascular dementia-her Sun downing times sometimes end up with her wanting to leave her current apartment and go home…..that home is now her childhood home. I just tell her that this is her home and she has been here a long time and show her the pictures. The next day, her memory of her distress is gone. We also pray for mom and her peace and contentment. Mom knows that she loves the Lord and prayers with her are good.

I’ve been dealing with this for years and honestly my parents live in an alternate reality. They’re in a nursing home for both physical and mental reasons (he’s has dementia since 2014, she since 2019) They’ll call and tell me they’re going home tomm and I won’t correct them. Then they’ll call and say did you sell the house and i’ll say yes. Half the time they’ll say thank you half the time they’re angry. In EVERY instance they forget that conversation. Please give yourself a break knowing that whatever you say will be temporary for them

I guess I’m lucky my Dad forgot about his house 4 days after he left it. We sold it 6 months later. He only remembers homes of his youth and wants to go back there. I do explain that neighborhood is no longer safe and his home is no longer standing. He just says “that can’t be!” I’m all in favor of fibbing. It’s just too upsetting for them.

My husband, who died in January, never asked, but if he had, I would not have told him. One person said to tell the truth, as they will find out eventually. Not true. Dementia is progressive, irreversible, loss of reasoning and memory. I had thought of bringing him to our house in the country, but never did. Why bring up separations? I did take him to the Arnold Arboretum when he could still look at and enjoy the plantings. So much good advice here, about evading the question or telling lies. Right on.

Personally I would not. My moms beloved stock portfolio had to go to pay bills....when she talks about it I just listen. Mom forgets from visit to visit..

It has nothing to do with being honest or dishonest....it has to do with what they can handle intellectually and emotionally. They are in memory care because they are not in their right mind and no longer have the mental capacity to care for themselves or keep themselves safe. That doesn't sound like someone you want to have a financial conversation with....

Just take care of their finances as necessary and keep the dirty details to yourself. Sometimes folks with dementia get on what I call "auto-loop" and ask the same question over and over again. If they keep asking about their home and cars, just tell them not to worry and that you are taking care of everything for them. Then change the subject and ask them a question. It's a little nippy today, do you want to wear the blue sweater or the brown one?

No different than dealing with a small child. Keep the conversation appropriate for what they can handle.

even if their memory is still intact somewhat, no I wouldn’t tell them. If they’re never coming home then there’s no need to tell them.

i have a wee bit of a funny in a sad story. They both had dementia and the house need to be tented so they went to a memory care facility for about three days. When we returned the house had been burglarized. The flatscreen TV in the front room have been stolen. So i cleaned up the house and then borrowed a broken flatscreen TV from a friend, approximately the same size, and just put it in the front room. When they got home and the TV wouldn’t work, I simply said, “Gee, I guess it’s broken; (Mr) let’s buy (Mrs) a new TV set for Mother’s Day!” So we went out and got roses and chocolates and a new television set. They never knew.

You don't tell them. If they are in memory care they are dealing in a world of emotion not reality. There is no need to discuss it at all.

If it would accomplish something or they might return to it.

No benefit of any kind in telling people with disrupted cognitive process something that may make them feel sorrow.

They have lost “honest”. Nothing is to be gained for them in giving them facts that they may not understand.

Dementia doesn’t “wax and wane”. It is progressive.

It is so incredibly painful to have to be the one to do all the hard things necessity requires and to have to be the one to decide what to tell your parents. That process just about crushed me. My mother, who has dementia, decided that all of her dementia-related losses were my fault and bitterly raged against me, no matter that I was doing everything in my power to preserve as much of her independence and autonomy as I possibly could. When I reached the end of my rope, I decided that, from then on, I would answer each of Mom’s questions with the full truth ONCE. After that, when she asked again—usually minutes later—I would use a therapeutic fib. That way, I gave her the dignity of the truth, I got emotionally “beaten up” for it one time, and then both of us escaped the pain of rehashing it over and over and over. As her dementia worsens, I tell her less and less information. She can’t retain any of it, anyway. I stick to light topics and happy news only.

neelloc: Since you state in your profile that both your mother and your father unfortunately suffer from Alzheimer's/dementia, why would you want to deliver such news as the sale of their autos and their home to them?; their brain functionalities lack the capacity to process it.

We did not tell MIL about selling her house. We felt the news would be traumatizing and there is no need for it. Besides, they are not going to remember so you will be re traumatizing each time they ask.
we just assure her the house and car are locked up and we check on it weekly. Has worked for us.

It's natural to want to be honest with your parents about the situation, but it's also essential to approach it compassionately. As someone currently living with my grandfather, who has Dementia, I can relate to your challenges. But, I've found that seeking resources and support from organizations like Seasons Retirement (https://seasonsretirement.com/memory-care/) can be incredibly helpful in this situation.

* Read Teepa Snow's website. Or call her office.

* What is the point or reasoning to tell a person with dementia about this?
- Saying ANYTHING to upset or stir up emotions (including their fears and confusion) will only further cause them more suffering. And you do not want to do this, I know.

* When a person has dementia, the word 'honesty' takes on an entirely different meaning.

THE NEW MEANING OF HONESTY IS . . .

Extending / being compassionate to where they are - in their head/mind, as their brain chemistry has changed.
- You 'need' (or want) to focus on how their brain functions and how it now takes in new information (confused, irrational, fear).

THIS IS IMPORTANT :

- You need to shift ... see / feel from THEIR brain's 'perspective,' not yours.
And, this is a major learning process. To shift into how they receive information vs what is said to them. We ALL filter information through our own experience. There is no other way to communicate. Although it is an acute awareness and 'jump' in consciousness to see / feel / shift to another's experience vs our own. From my experience, it is an ongoing awareness and insight. It never ends. It is, in part (to me) called COMPASSION.

* As you learn more about dementia, you will gain compassion and act / talk to them accordingly. It IS learning a new language so be self-compassionate. It is ALWAYS an on-going process of communication.

IMPORTANT: If you get tongue tied, overwhelmed, stuck or in fear when talking to them, change the subject.

Saying, 'that is an interesting question, I'll have to think about it and get back to you.

- Then comment on the weather, flowers, are they too warm, too cold . . . want a drink ... go for a walk. Are you tired. Anything to shift. I really love you. Affection seems to get through - the most difficult of dementia. Or a gentle touch on their shoulder, hand, etc. (depending on the relationship and their / your comfort level).

Gena / Touch Matters