I have been care giving my mom for 13 years! In nc. I told my sister that I had to have heart procedures In feb2024, told. Said she couldn’t come to march2024, she had vacation trip??? I told if she didn’t come , mom would have to go to assisted living / nobody here to take care of mom. I’m the only one!! She texted back that I was a bully— that she would come get her Jan 24,2024, , so she’s had her Since then.. I had aortic va vle plastic to open aortic valve , After procedure I had stroke/ could not talk for 4days. Stayed hospital 6 days, released feb6 .. had to wait get aortic valve replaced!!’ Then on March
13 had chest pain/ emergency room, then on March 15 Had “TAVR” Transcather aortic valve replacement!! In Icu4 days! Then on mach17 2024 , had another stroke— this time my left leg and left arm affected!! - was released From hospital On March 20 ,2024! Now have about90 percent speech back— 80 percent leg/ arm use! Going to cardio rehab for12 weeks ! Then on April 10 2024 my sister texted me “ that mom wanted to come home “ my sister said her plan was to bring her to Norfolk airport On may1 2024 and for me to pick her up??? I have told my sister that I would be at my son’s house Last week in April and all of may -( 3 times) ?? Told her no one would be at mom’s house , there is nobody else but me to caregive for mom!!’ As I have been caregiver for 13 years—- mom was seeing people before she left( for last 2 years) every time she has UTI .. also legally blind,, also she spreads “feces) All over house , kitchen sink , front room carpets Her bed!!! I cannot clean up feces/ deal with her utis/ seeing people!!! Told sister earliest” might be” june1,2024. But with 2 strokes/ heart problems ,pancreas/ thyoid - my sister is my moms caregiver Now whether she wants to be or not!! Truthfully I may never be able to caregive for my mother— if sister brings her back”” mom will have to go to assisted living!!! That’s reality
If you are Mom’s POA you can legally give it up citing due to your own health problems you will no longer be able to take care of Mom , nor can you manage to arrange other care for Mom .
If you are POA , I strongly suggest you go to a lawyer and legally give it up because even if you placed your mother in assisted living, there is work to be done that is too much for you.
Under no circumstances do you pick mother up or let your sister bring Mom to your house . You will have to tell your sister you can not participate in any care or arrangements of placing your mother . Your sister will have to place your mother in assisted living or Mom stays with your sister . Shame on your sister for expecting you to take care of Mom again.
She is not being considerate of your serious medical conditions. You are correct, the reality is that your caregiver days are over.
I’m sorry you are going through this .
You have done enough .
Whether you and sister get together and decide just where and when to place your mother, as you both should now do, is up to you.
We can have an opinion, but cannot help. My own opinion is that you and your sister should come together and pledge to support one another in the end of your mom's life by getting her safely in care, and support one another in what may be YOUR OWN end of life care, because one never knows. As a recipient of a recent new case of cancer I guarantee you that.
Life is short. Be kind and good to one another. Be honest with your mother. Understand your limitations. It doesn't matter if others accept your limitations or not. They are yours to own. You have responsibility for YOUR OWN LIFE.
I honestly wish you the very best of life and happiness. You, your sis, AND your mom.
It would be dangerous for both, Mom and you to continue to be her caregiver.
Mom is not your problem anymore, you have enough problems and you need to concentrate on one person, yourself.
Somebody smart said something to this effect, and I paraphrase:
Just because one life is ruined or ending does not mean two lives should be taken.
It sure looks like that for many on this forum alone.
Children or spouses expected to work endless hours with sick or demented and sacrifice their lives.
Forget about trying to take your mother back, be clear to your sister, the answer is no, stop trying to please everyone else and killing yourself in the meantime.
Mom needs to be placed, they can take care of dear mom.
Do not let your mother back in your care, do not pick her up at the airport, the real bully is your sister, stand up for yourself, no more willy-nilling.
It would be helpful to know if your Mom has a PoA. The ensuing advice will be based upon this information.
I'm glad you are recovering and will be spending time with your son. YOu've done yeoman's work on behalf of your Mom and you deserve the peace and rest going forward.
You are correct Carolina60, that is now the new reality for your mom. She will HAVE TO go into an assisted living facility, no ifs and or buts, as you are no longer physically able to care for her.
You've already jeopardized your health by caring for her for 13 years and I'm positive that is why you've had and continue to have all these major health issues.
If you're not careful you will be the one dying way before your mom does, and I'm sure she would not want that to happen.
So it's now time to put your big girl panties on and let your sister and your mom know that your caregiving days are over and that from here on out the only person you'll be caring for is yourself. PERIOD. End of sentence.
I wish you well in your continued healing and in putting yourself first once and for all.
Tell your sister that she is welcome to place mom by her if that is easier.
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