Mom is 93 with Dementia. She still knows who each of us are but forgets things. She is in the dementia section of a senior living center. Dad passed away several years ago but she insists she talked to him the other day. She is always asking where he is. My brother passed away last Friday but we haven't told Mom yet because of the Covid19 restrictions. We visit through a window. What should we do?
My LO has suffered more than enough. I don’t tell her anything that could distress her. I see no reason for her to have such information.
Imagine losing a child every day or week -- that's how it'll be for her.
We've lost two close relatives since my mom started with dementia. I haven't told her and won't.
I think I would not mention it. She is unlikely to be able to process the information, but it will make her sad anew each time she hears it.
My friend’s MIL had severe dementia and kept asking about her husband, who had died several years prior. Friend would tell her that her husband was in Heaven. She would get upset and cry each time. It was like hearing the news the first time, every time she asked. And she’d ask 100x a day. Same reaction each time.
So it was time for the ‘therapeutic fib’.
“Oh, he’s at work.”
”He had to go to the store.”
”He’ll be home later.”
She’d still ask all day, but it spared MIL getting upset and reliving the shock.
If she's still asking about her late husband, then you see what I mean. She'll do the same thing with her son, and you'll be facing that dreadful conversation time & time again. (For what it's worth, my mother insists my late father is either sitting in the chair or lying beside her in bed at night; she has said that ever since he passed in 2015. Who am I to argue with her? For all I know, he IS there with her in spirit, as he had been for 68 years prior. If it comforts her, that's all I personally care about, you know?)
I wouldn't go there if it were me with my 93.5 y/o mother who has dementia & lives in a Memory Care ALF. The LESS info I give her, the less she has to obsess about. Especially bad news...........she's OCD on her best day, so bad news is something she'll dwell on endlessly. No good comes of it. Keep them happy at any cost, that's my motto.
I am very sorry for all of your losses, my friend. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.
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