Any advice welcome. My mom has a volatile relationship with my sister, with emotional dysfunction on both sides. I've worked to develop a "loving detachment" with my mom. I can sidestep many of her challenging behaviors, and so I have become her primary caregiver.
My sister resents me and has accused me of "manipulating a confused old woman" and/or "neglecting" my mom's cognitive decline. I have to walk on eggshells and document everything.
I don't know how to manage caregiving without feeling like I should resolve this conflict. Yet, I know I can't be responsible for their relationship or for my sister's feelings.
Should I just tough it out, take the high road, and move forward?
The golden child can remember everything fondly, but the scapegoats know they're scapegoats. If this was your sister, cut her a bit of slack.
If you have assumed the role of caregiver to your mother, this has let your sister off the hook. If she is taking none of the responsibility for your mother's care and needs, she is not owed written documentation or any kind of explanation for how your mother's funds get spent or how her care gets provided.
She forfeited her right to explanations and documentation the day she stepped aside and put the full responsibility of your mother onto you. Clearly this needs to be made plain to her.
You would probably be better off if you petitioned the court for conservatorship over your mother. This is higher than a POA and it cannot be questioned.
I'm sure you know that you are entitled to financial compensation for being a POA and a conservator. You are also entitled to payment for being a caregiver.
Petition for conservatorship. Better to deal with the court than trying to appease and account to a greedy sibling who does nothing.
How do you neglect cognitive decline? Is there something you have control over that sis doesn't think you're doing?
When sis makes her comments, find a response that is middle of the road. Will save you and sis a lot of bickering. Something like, I'm sorry you think that. Or sounds sort of like an agreement - What you just said, that MAY be true, however I am doing the best I can dealing with mom's dementia/health/refuses doctor care/refusing to bathe issue.
In an OK situation, it would surely for reasonable and good for relationships, for information about finances to be given to other family members. If relationships are not so good, and the concerns are reasonable, it would surely be sensible for enough information to be given to help with concerns. If there are doubts about whether the the concerns are reasonable, as POA I’d be asking for more details about concerns, not just refusing on the basis that the POA doesn’t have to provide information.
I cannot imagine why I MYSELF should have info about my grandma's money if she put my BROTHER in charge of it. Clearly she meant for HIM to be in charge of it, and she didn't say "Oh, and tell your sis all my private information why don't you, because she will want to know my money is safe and on its way to HER".
No one has power over the POA but the COURTS.
We have a right to the information of someone when finally they are DEAD only IF we are a beneficiary to their will. Then the law dictates how soon the executor, Trustee should notify us.
Otherwise, even at death, there is no obligation whatsoever for the executor to share information from say a Trust. A probated will will be recorded and is general information open to the public's reading.
The rights of the general public or even OTHER relatives are that if they suspect fraud for any reason they can appeal, through an attorney, for the COURT to oversee the Fiduciary and check their records.
Only the COURTS have RIGHTS to the information of even a demented person with a POA.
It’s really difficult to be in your position. I empathize with you. It’s unnerving to walk on eggshells, because you feel that you must be considerate to someone who is being a nuisance.
Recording financial transactions are important for you to have. You are not obligated to share any of this information with anyone else.
People can intimidate, place pressure on you, ask the same question fifty different ways, so what? It doesn’t mean that you should answer them.
If you wish to be polite to her, then say, ‘There is no need for you to be concerned.’ If you are fed up, directly tell her, ‘This isn’t any of your business.’
At least she is showing her colors now, instead of waiting until the funeral and unleashing havoc.
Reminds me of a backseat driver situation. That wants to know every detail but won't or can't take the wheel. Must be so hard not to yell Hey, shutup there in the back!
I am so glad you have taken some steps proactively if you are thinking of moving your Mom in and you are her POA. Especially in the light of the sister.
Do you know that you not only do not HAVE TO but that you SHOULD NOT as POA share any POA information or private financial information regarding your Mom?
Did the Elder Law Attorney tell you that?
It's important to know as it relieves you of the problem of "I WANT TO KNOW" from her. Too bad. She doesn't get to know. If she wants to accuse you of fraud she can go to court.
Just keep your own METICULOUS records. She is already trouble and so you are forwarned. I want your files to SHINE. Keep track of every penny in and every penny out once Mom has a diagnosis and you are acting for her. Mom can have her own small spending account; danger otherwise is she may gift your sister and ruin her chances of Medicaid if she needs to go there.
Another thing to think about is this: A RENTAL agreement means that this is rental and you have to declare this income to the IRS (both for your own and your Mom's sake). And if you do instead a "Share cost of living" contract you often do NOT have to report to IRS as income. That would include housing cost, utility, food. Check with your CPA or tax person. Makes a big difference.
I would make a complete care contract. One in which the time for reassessment as to whether this arrangement is working for you BOTH is assessed, the a every 6 months check in as to honestly discuss problems. Because it well may not work, and you must remember your mother will only get worse. This can go on for decades and if you are on forum any time you understand that many ruin their health and their mental health attempting to be Saints. Bad job description.
Thank you so much for giving us the added information. It so helps us with trying to help YOU.
Sounds like you are making a good start. You need strong boundaries. Tell your sister to stop contacting you unless she has some honest help and support to offer you and your Mom.
My very best to you in this endeavor. I really hope you will update us as you go. I love to garden so I will remember your name!
@AlvaDeer, thanks, I will clarify.Mom is still in the diagnostic process. She has passed 2 mini-mental exams, but has an appointment with geriatric dr next month. She is missing medicine, falling, and some confusion--living alone, few friends. I had a care manager come in to assess ADLs and safety.
Her PCP told her she needed to move in with me or hire home health to do daily checks. She can be semi-independent with support.I am her POA and have set up an in-law suite in our home for her to try this living situation out. Upon advice from the elder care lawyer, we will have a rental agreement (realtor is assessing Fair Market Value this week.)I feel like I've taken reasonable steps.
Your relationship with your sister and Mom are their problem and Sis needs to be told that. Ur profile says Mom moved in with you so ur house your rules. You set them from the beginning. If sister starts with you or Mom...there's the door.
Why does sister think you are manipulaing a confused woman but on the other neglecting her cognitive decline? Thats kind of contradictory isn't it?
You will go nuts if you continue to walk on eggshells.
You say "cognitive decline". Is your mother suffering from dementia?
Is it diagnosed?
And what is the diagnosis?
Does your mother live with you? Do you live with HER?
Where does Sister live?
Do you have a shared expenses contract?
How are you paid for her care? Is she 24/7 care?
Are you the POA for your mother?
Once we know the details we can be helpful with more answers.