My sibling refuses to call my mom, offer financial assistance, of doing anything for the two of us. What can I do about this?

I am in the same boat I have two brothers and a sister and I get NO help from none of them. I quite my jobs 3 yrs. ago so I could stay at home and take care of mom who is in the last stage of dimentia along with heart diease, kidney diease and a few other things. I have asked for help in all kind of ways. I have asked them for money to help with mom and I get No reply. I ask them to sit with her so I can go somewhere they have plans. But my sister wants me to call her asap when I take mom to the hospital to see if she needs to come now or can wait. Last July she fell and broke her hip and had to have surgery they came for that but as soon has it was over they all left and she crashed and ended up in ICU, and my sister was at airport and got on the plane and neither one of my brothers came back up. They left me up there by myself to handle it. Family can suck. The sicker my mom gets the worst they get. Thanks just needed to vent. By the way mom is 84

I keep reading that many of you are saying to keep "your opinions to yourself", yet you are posting on a site that is designed to give advise and opinions. I appreciate what I am getting and I ask that you keep giving advice and opinions. I am not so weak skinned that I do not know to take what applies and leave the rest.
Of course no one hear knows exactly what any other person here is dealing with. As unique people we can each be given the same hand but cope differently.
Please keep the advise coming, I need it.
If I offend, I am truly sorry, however for me to even discuss some of this stuff with complete strangers, I am asking for opinions and some are not going to be so nicy nicy or accurate. Again, I will take what I need and leave the rest.
Bless all of you, for to even be on this site means a lot.
Love to you, Heather

Wow, let your sister know how much you appreciate her work, and how unfair it all is. I think the caregivers on this list know when a sibling is a true selfish deadbeat and when they really can NOT help equally. One of my sisters has disabling back pain, walks with a cane, takes handfuls of meds, is extremely poor, and car is always broken, lives a few hours drive away. But still, she is genuinely involved and concerned by email.

I do SEVEN days straight, and sometimes have up to 12 hours where Mom is at daycare center, occasional respite caregiver who also helps tidy up. In reality, there is no time off, for these hours are spent on errands, shopping, noisy vacuuming, yard work. The caregiver actually needs a lot of attention and managing, and I'm more exhausted on the day she comes to "help."

My sister, when she helps even a few hours, is a total physical wreck. Once it took her a week to recover. She also let my mom fall when transferring her to the toilet. She could not do the heavy lifting. (I lift weights separately to be able to do this for Mom.)

Perhaps ask your sister for things you can do on days you usually aren't there. Shopping for them while you do your own shopping, internet research. Get her a massage wand she can use on her parents and for her back. One of the things my nieces do is to find cute greeting cards for my mom, full of stickers and cute notes. They send me a stack at once, and I slip one into the mail regularly. This takes some of the socialization strain off your sister, as the cards are a bit of sunshine from outside.

You could also show up with a fresh DVD to watch with your parents. If there was just one DVD I'd recommend it would be Andre Rieu's concert video of the Radio City Music Hall concert with the Harlem Gospel Choir. We have watched that dozens and dozens of times. It is eternally fresh. Maybe you could borrow a friend's dog and bring the mutt by for some pet therapy. These sorts of rays of light don't take that much strain to deliver, and believe me, your sister probably does not have the energy to entertain your parents if she's doing labor all the time.

Good luck, and you know our appreciation that you are even concerned enough to post on this board. Your heart seems in the right place.

My oldest sis does most of the care taking of both parents. I help as much as I can, but I have my own issues that aren't that apparant and feel guilty.
My sis knows my issues, its a closed head injury, but I think many of my family members think I over exaggerate. I do the best i can. I don't know how to get rid of the guilt.
My sis is 64 and I am 55. She already raised a daughter with cystic fibrosis who died at age 19 and had to endure all what that entails and now to have to take care of my parents is just too much!!
I am going to keep trying, but I know after a day with my parents I sleep for 24 hours. My sis can do 5 days straight and seem okay.
I feel so gulity.

I an sorry if some of you thought I was judging anyone I was just pointing out in my state children are not responsible paying for their parents care but spouses are responsible when one spouse goes into a nursing home the spouse who is at home loses everything unless they planned ahead and put their home in trust when I was doing the medicade application I found out that they would take his social security pension life insurance investments in his name and or my name besides my life insurance was considered an asset and would have counted againist me-when his mother went into the nursing home she was self pay until she has spent down and then the nursing home did all the paperwork to get her on medicaide. I was a caregiver for 16 years for my husband and certainly do not judge anyone else and I try to be supportive of all others at all times-I have been so involved for many years and do have experience dealing with the same problems that other caregivers have and am sorry that I made some upset-I was only trying to give facts and most of my enteries do get stars for being helpful and do get favorable commets on my board. I am also pushing elected officals to make home care in my county more fair and when APS came to my house I passed along my experiences to help others and also passed along information about not paying the funeral home too quickly because if they have to wait for the life insurance they are more apt to help with the paperwork which I did not know at the time. And the bottom line is what others have found out you can not make others help you and caregivers are very often on their own-I realize all of this I have lived it myself-and I am truly sorry for making any of you upset.

I am one of 12 siblings and 2 of us take care of my mom while the other 9 completely ignore her. It is a source of great consternation for me, but I cannot make them care. They will have to answer to a higer power one day and I can only do the best I can. Just know that you are doing the right thing and whatever issues the sibling has are not your problem.

I also have my mother full time and had all of her mail sent directly to our home, since that is where she lives. Since she has lived with us, every 6 months she gets a letter from the pension company, asking her if she is still receiciving her pension and how, and then we need to have it notorized and sent back. If they do not receive it within a certain time period her pension checks would be stopped. So I would call them and find out.

DanielRomero it is wonderful to find such peace, and you are blessed. It is not dwelling on it that keeps us from peace. It is the added burdens of our own health prblems and financial difficulties. All of this is well known to his siblings. We are in Miami now for sugery for my husbands spine. We will be here for four days. With good luck he will have limited motion when we are done. We had to search hard for a caregiver for mother and pay for it. There is a LOT on our plate. GOD is helping...we are not dwellers. But we are being tested hard. Sometimes we feel like we are losing.

Mother has given us power of attorney,,,,and denindestroyer has EVERY RIGHT to have POWER OF ATTORNEY also. If pension funds are being divrted.....find out who and send her there. Or else demand that you be in charge. This is just NOT FAIR> Mother does not have pension or anything but a stipend coming in to take care of her needs. We take care of everything else. She gets FREE 24hour nursing care from me. I think that AlzCaregiver has an idea......lets OUT THE DEAD BEAT siblings !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Vivian

Do you or anyone have durable power of attorney? If a sibling has it they can change where the pension check goes.

I am so sorry about your stress. You and I are alike in that no help from other family members, aging (look 10 years older in 2 years) and friends traveling and enjoying what should be their golden years. It is so frustrating...all these people on the board in the same boat and no answer, but the support of this group helps. Does your mom have any assets that your siblings will gain if she passes away? If so I'd tell them you'll let the nursing home use up those funds. Believe me they will be first in line if something happens to her.

I'd be checking into why the pension money has stopped, or has been diverted. I suppose it would possible for me to divert my mother-in-law's pension into a different bank, so you're right to wanting answers.

I feel like starting a website to really OUT deadbeat siblings.

I moved to utah to care for my mother after she had a stroke, I gave up my work, my kids and my life for one year so that my mother would not have to go to a nursing home, none of my 6 siblings want my mother in a facility, but after one year I told them the only way I could continue this was for her to move to Los Angeles and live with me in my place. Since we have been here none of my sibliings have helped out financially, funny things are happening with her accounts, i.e. pension money not showing up in her auto deposit, after15 years or receiving this money it is no longer coming, so i have the financiial burden and I have a lot of resentment towwards my family that they can't help out financially, I don't know what a vacation is either, but yet i get post cards from the others from all over the world, I am the youngest and now I feel like I am aging so fast and so alone trying to do all of this on my own. I have asked for help, but so far nobody has acknowledged mine nd my mother problems and needs, its very sad, that not one of them can step up for their own mother and offer a hand to give me a break to re-charge. I am drained, emotionally and financially bankrupt and very depressed. What to do ?

The question was How do I get a sibling to help. It is pretty clear from all the responses that you cannot force someone who doesn't want to help to help. If they have an epiphany and decide that they should help and finally do, great...but most in this forum know from personal experience that it probably ain't gonna happen. This forum doesn't follow Bambi's mom's rule, that if you cannot say anything nice.....and I find that refreshing...only different viewpoints and true discussion can solve problems...Realizing that some can and will help, some can but won't help and some can't and won't help will give the burdened caregiver some peace of mind. If you cannot change something don't try. Also try not to focus on the lack of help you receive. My mother was diagnosed with AD 12 years ago. For the first 6, I sent e-mails that explained AD. I called and asked for help to 3 sisters to no avail. She is now in the moderate/severe stage. When I finally realized that it would be me and only me caregiving, and gave up the bitterness from having to care for my mom alone, my chores didn't become easier but I became less stressed. Again look for friends, neighbors, and social programs that may be able to help, try not to dwell what cannot be changed.

My dad died from Alzheimers...........caregiving for an alz. patient is not for the weak or weak minded. It was only my mom and myself taking care of dad, I'm an only child, we struggled at times with it, and cried over it daily, but kept my dad at home until the day he died. So I suggest as Vivian does, those of you that have never dealt with this situation FIRST HAND, please keep your comments and "suggestions" to yourself. You do not know what you are dealing with. Thank you.

Wow, vivian,Its like you knew my brothers and my situation,just read your post.I really felt like my brothers took joy in our hardship,I felt like they wanted us to fall on our face..Caregiving is diffently not for the weak or weak-minded.

i have 2 simply selfish brothers also,as does many others in this forum.The simply selfish do not need help making excusses,they seem to do fine on there own.You know what they say,if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck...2 people to take care of when one is already exhausted is a lot for anyone,maybe you'll get lucky and someone will step up to the plate and show some humanity.I'm wondering if ED is going to be man enough to apologize.Hope surgery goes well along with everything elese,we'll pray.

I am so glad that this discussion REALLY BLEW UP... it shows that people like Tim and I and Tennessee anad AlzCare are all too ooooooo many in this world. And the ones that are selfish and letting their siblings sit home and wipe butts and give baths and cook and clean and do laundry for THEIR parents are having FUN allowing it to happen.

All of you who are giving out empty judgemental advice please be more caring because we really do have quite enough on our plates. Do you imagine that at our ages we do not have enough health problems of our own to deal with? And while our siblings are vacationing and fishing and shopping....we are housebound as if we were the patient. That is quite enough of a poke in the head thank you....quit poking.

Thank you Tennesse. I am leaving to get Surgery on my spine today, and my wife will go with me. We have had to find funds to have someone to come in to care for my mother. My wife still stresses over her care. When we return she will have both of us to tend to, hand and foot. bathing both of as. Cleaning up after mothers bathroom errors and serving her meals in her room three times a day etc. My brothers and sister know this. They are simply selfish. We are the ones who are not working because I am disabled.....so we seem the best candidates. SO P:LEASE ED AND AUSTIN and others who are so judgemental and talk before they know of what they speak.....keep your hurtful words to yourself. We have enough to deal with and we DO not deserve your "words of wisdom"! TIM

AMEN TO THAT,WELL SAID TIM.

Ed and Austin need to be more cautious about being judgmental to people who are breaking their backs and their banks trying to support their parents........speaking to people in that manner without facts and acting like psychiatrists is a rude and harsh. My wife does not deserve that and I resent it. Tim Davie

You can not make someone help if they can't or won't help and nursing homes know how to find the money-you very rarly hear of a nursing home closing due to lack of funds they just cut down on staff or serve cheaper food or cut down on activities usually the patients suffer but the nursing home continues that is why we have medicaide if the pt. has assests they have to be used first-that is why we need to save money-not for inheirtance but for our old age who suffers mostly is the well spouse or maybe not well but not in the nursing home-I was amazed by the medicaide application if my husband had been placed I would have been very poor=after many years of back-breaking caregiving and my health not being that great and he being a shopalcoholic and spending money like water- the nursing home would get his pension, ss, life insurance AND medicaide and my lile insurance would be counted againist me as an assest-we need to talk to anyone running for elected office to change things which I am doing.

tennessee, that was beautifully said, right on the money!!! I still stand by my post describing my sister as not being cut out to caregive. In my neck of the woods, being or not being cut out to do something equals being or not being capable. She's weak, timid, can't cope under pressure, lives mainly for herself, etc. That is not being cut out to caregive. My dad on the other hand went to nursing school to be an RN after 21 yrs in the military. He was compassionate, caring, a people person, dedicated and lived for others. He was cut out to be a caregiver and he considered it an honor to help those in need. There's a big difference in not being cut out to caregive and not wanting to do it. Many caregivers on this site, NH employees, hospital staff - there are loads of people who are cut out to care for others.
I gave my sister a pass because the resentment and anger was eating me up inside. I had asked, begged, tried to embarrass and shame her but she couldn't step up, she even told me it was beyond what she could do. At least she was honest. So I accepted it, moved on and looked at it as having one less thing to worry about.

Wow, this discussion really blew up. If family members want to help, they will help. How do you make them help, you can't. Look to social services and programs that can help your specific situation. I stand by my original answer which was NOTHING to the question, "My sibling refuses to call mom, offer financial assistance or relief for us. What can we do about this?" ....Tennessee added to document costs...simple as that....nagging , guilting, screaming and yelling are not helpful...good luck...and Vivian, if this helps, your situation is normal, it is very rare that everyone shares caregiving duties...

Tennessee: You are one of the caregivers who got bulldozed by your siblings after you were sole caregiver for so many years; and when I research this filial responsibility stuff, I think of your example often.

The Filial REsponsibility laws kick in for totally indigent folks. A NH would of course put in their two bits of claim at the sale of the family home, and so forth.

In the articles I read about this, the judge would not go after the children if they themselves were poor, if the parent's poverty was due to gambling or unwise living, if the parent had abused or abandoned the child, etc. It's not totally insane. I have heard of some cases that put a lien on the grown children's house.

This is why I keep mentioning this law. it IS on the books in 30 states. I did not have the legal background to keep investigating this. Someone on the "healing storytellers list" finally cracked through for me a lot of words and links to research this (I was getting nowhere with terms like "caregiving traditions" and as traditional stories often have to do with abandonment, mean stepmothers, etc.) I asked that group and got on my way to real understanding, starting with the term "Filial." In Asian cultures, this parental caregiving is a tradition that is now starting the crack up. The eldest son and his wife move in with the parents and they care for the parents until they die. And they inherit the parents' home and estate. The other children take off to create their own lives from scratch, unincumbered. Of course daughters might end up with a No. 1 son, and have to care for HIS parents...not her own parents (unless she is eldest daughter, and probably unmarried.)

Google this specific term: AARP Filial responsibility

The top article is from AARP and has good background on history of the laws, moral obligation as seen through history, etc.

I keep mentioning this law because of all the stuck caregivers like myself who have no recourse to alter the terms of a will. My mother's will was drawn up long before the two sisters swept into her checking account, forged checks, lied about their conditions of paying back loans, etc. This forced me to ask for help (please someone take them to the principal's office and chew them out)...which resulted in awful result, the county suing for conservatorship and NOT even a mini lecture about their crimes.

I got stuck with 24/7 caregiving and they got the right to throw rocks and see their mother "as much as they want." Which is never. "Fine, if they want to have a relationship with their mother which is a thirty second phone call on mother's day [this year, not even that], then that is their RIGHT." And it is also their right to call me on the carpet and have me investigated, which they DID!

So, I've been moaning along that the Deadbeats have all these rights to throw stones from the sidelines if they sense something is amiss with Mom's care or the condition of the house. But the full implication of this law points otherwise. ALL children do have an obligation to care for their parents.

Finding this Filial Responsibility Law, applicable here in California, I am not thinking that the state will come after me should Mom have to dip into Medicaid (or somehow screw up the application process, so the NH is stuck with total care...this seems to be cases where the law is applied). I am thinking I can use the basis of this law to "sue" for more of Mom's inheritance, which is equally divided between the four sisters.

If Mom had known the financial scams that those sisters had pulled, and the torturing personality of one of them, she would have written them out of her will and forbade them to visit her property.

By the way, I heard if you want to officially write someone out of your will, you mention them in the will and give them $1. That way, it is obvious your intent to NOT give them much, You didn't just forget them, in which case they'd sue the estate for their rights as a living relative. (something I heard on radio program, not a legal eagle by any means)

The Filial Responsibility laws may also in some way imply rights the actual caregiver might have that we haven't even thought of. Some folks may have already used the laws in this way, or it may be new ground. I don't even know how I would sue for this, as a lawyer would cost tons. But maybe there is a probono lawyer arrangement out of some senior center.

Of course, someone could do a botched up job of suing and then set legal precedent that would be hard to overcome.

Knowing if your state has such a law might also be a good thing in your arsenal of dealing with deadbeat siblings.

I have never heard of nursing homes going after the adult children to pay for the care of the elderly-the nursing home already get pensions, ss payments ,life insurances, investments, savings and any other assests the person has and then the home they lived in besides medicaide payments. The reason many elders are in bad shape money wise not all but many is their spending habits. Spouses are responsible for paying for nursing homes but not the children believe me nursing homes know how to get the money if elders try to hide the money by giving to their children within the look back period that is different-then the children are responsible to pay back the money,

Sick people do not feel well,people who do not feel well are not a bowl of roses sometimes,add in a touch of dementia they can be down right hateful.It is different circumstances when one is old' grumpy and sick and one is a young healthly jerk.Some people have a natural compassion[THANK GOD]Some people are ME people.The Me people are not capable of caring for anyone;it is always about them and not the one in need.People who do not help out because someone has offended them are looking for an excuse and are downright wimpy.This is why the true caregivers stand out amongst the rest-they don't run when times get rough. Deadbeat siblings who don't contribute are ME people.

Although the law is on the books in 30 states, it is seldom used. And judges usually wave off children who have been abandoned, suffered abuse at hands of the parent, where the parent gambled or mismanaged their own funds, drug abuse, etc. And also that the grown children might be poverty stricken themselves.

However, in my case, I'd like to use the concept of this and "sue" the deadbeats for a greater share of my Mom's inheritance to help me of the financial hole I'm in because of the 8-years-and-counting of caregiving.

However, in an ironic twist of fate, wouldn't it be horrible if the state or nursing home came after ME to sue me for mom's additional expenses.

Wow, I hope that isn't a slippery slope when the government steps in a forces kids to take care of a parent. I understand having to take care of a child that you fathered/gave birth to, that is only right. But when 'big brother' steps in and tells kids they are now responsible for a parent that has no money.... I don't know if I agree with that one. That's a double edged sword,. someone is going to lose.