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My sibling is threatening to leave my dementia mom on my door step and trying to figure how if there is any legal action I can take to stop that from happening and what I should do in the event it does happen? Thanks for any help/advice as this is a pretty terrifying scenario for my immediate family.

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With your sibling threatening to leave your dementia mom on your door step I'm wondering if they have asked for help and you've not offered any--for whatever reason--poor family history, unable to help, whatever. There's a reason for two or three shifts of care in nursing homes. No one person can do it and your sibling has realized they have no reserves left for mom. Be proactive and consult Area Agency on Aging or find a geriatric social worker. Make this a team effort to keep the mayhem and terror dialed down. Is your mom eligible for Medicare and Medicaid? She can be placed in a facility with 24 hour care. Her assets may need to be spent down to qualify for Medicaid. Relieve the caregiver, find a safe place for mom.
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I was one that did drop my mother in law off at her daughter's place when she refused to help me out for taking her for a few weeks while I left Florida to go to Ohio to help my mom as my dad had just died. They told me a lie and said they were on some kind of disability where they couldn't have anyone live with them (even for a few weeks) or they would loose it. They were scared I wouldn't take her back. I did drop her off and I did pick her back up three weeks later. (they were a full days drive from us (they lived in Tennessee.)

Using counsel on aging I got the information I needed to get her started with SSI and Medicaid. I had to walk it through (much faster that way) but got it done. About a year later she had to be moved to a nursing home. Thank God it was also really nice and less than a mile from where I lived so I could check on her every day.

I loved my mother in law and for years we had her living with us with no problem. But when I came home from work and found her heating up a can of left over cat food (tuna) I knew she couldn't be left alone any more. I was blessed that I found places that would use only her income (at the time she had a tiny amount of SS) and were super nice.

It's interesting because even though I had no legal rights to my mom in law I was allowed to be in charge of everything for her and sign all the papers during each yearly check up with the care homes. She had a tiny amount of SS coming in and I think that made it easier to get her into assisted living to begin with. I know my husband was glad he didn't have to do it and was just glad to let me handle everything. He was working out of state so really couldn't help.

Sometimes when the other people in the family won't help you have to take steps such as forcing the issue like I had to. I was lucky. It worked for us.
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Beatty Jun 2021
"I was lucky"

You weren't just lucky - you made it happen. Well done. With good sense, love & relationships intact. Gold stars to you.
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We usually see this threat from burnt out caregivers who can't cope any longer - is there a backstory?
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CoffeeCats Jun 2021
I would love to hear the backstory also. I am caretaker of my 98 year old mom and my sister, who is a multi-millionaire, has done nothing. She claims that I have it so easy, and has only sent $30.00 to help. I would love to have my sister walk in my shoes for a few days, I think she would change her tune.
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With updates given it seems that "out of money" to care for Mom is the issue. If that is the case I very much disagree with family "paying money". The truth is that we all need to save our money so that we don't become the issue when WE are in this position. No money and no home and no caregivers, and someone threatening to drop US on the doorstep.
If Mom is dropped on the doorstep a return to the facility or the ER is what needs to happen, then application to medicaid and placement in LTC where the squabbling family can visit her.
I imagine Mom gets some SS. But often women who did not work in their lifetimes end up with very little SS, unless widowed and able to receive husband's better amounts monthly. Apparently the caregiver feels that the "money is gone" and wants Mom gone now as well. So medicaid and placement is the answer if other siblings don't want to end up where this sibling is currently. With so few details this is about all I can come up with.
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Update; After reading a few posts, there seems to be some additional background for this. So pardon me sounding a little harsh - but understand it was based on the little info you posted here.

If you have a sibling that is this desperate, you really should be trying to figure out how to help the sibling instead of how to protect yourself. It's not terrifying for your immediate family - it's terrifying for your mom and the sibling. To even consider legal action against the sib, who apparently has her now, is a little selfish - IMO. Why not try to help resolve the siblings 'can't handle this alone anymore' issue. Would be a far kinder action on your part.

First off, if sib brings her to your house, what would be illegal about that. Assuming you are not a convicted abuser of people, she would be leaving her in a safe place...with family....correct? A responsible act.

Why not offer sib some relief? Go to mom and offer to stay a while or work out a REASONABLE schedule with sibling for you to take mom and give sib a break. Or sit down with sib and discuss a facility setting that is affordable to mom. If no money, it might be time to apply for Medicaid NH bed.

Reread your post so you understand how this sounds to those of us who get little to no help from siblings and I think you'll understand why this response might sound a little harsh. While I try 24/7 to avoid anger or bad thoughts about my own situation, if one of my siblings thought about legal action against me versus helping me I'm quite sure that would be the straw that breaks the camels back...way over the line on their part. My intent is to maintain the close relationship we've always had, but I'm afraid this would be much too much for me. - On the other hand, I don't know if your sibling relationship is as important to you.
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Christservant Jun 2021
Oh wow was that ever bang on.
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You need to talk to your sibling. Maybe they need some help or support which you are not providing. Care should never fall on one person. It generally does, and it shouldn't.
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BurntCaregiver Jun 2021
You are right cetude. Care should never fall on just one person but it almost always does.
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Who is the "WE" in this scenario?

Maddogs: "Jump to a year later and we are out of money."

There have been a few siblings in the past on the forum, that took a parent from care (Basically kidnapped them), and spent all of the parents money (not only for the parent's care=elder abuse and fraud). Is there a dispute between you and your sister now?

In the year dementia Mom was gone, were you in touch, contributing financially to your sister for Mom's care?

If "WE" includes you, did you receive any of Mom's assets or funds if they were dispersed by your sister? (Medicaid gifting issues).

The threats are verbal, or by e-mail? If you are free and clear of being complicit of fraud and elder abuse, then you could see an attorney, and threaten back:
1) Abandonment of an elder is elder abuse.
2) Depleting financial assets of an elder is also elder abuse.
3) Not caring for an elder in your custody is neglect/elder abuse.
4) You will call APS on your Mom's behalf and report your sister.

Otherwise, inform your elder care specialist attorney that your goal is to get Mom care, and work with your sister on that goal.

Hope this helps you, and that you do not take it wrong because it was blunt.
Not accusing you of any wrong doing.

What did you do when Mom was basically 'kidnapped'?

Maybe the expensive AL has Memory Care and accepts Medicaid? Start there.
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Vsvechin Jun 2021
Calling 911 on your parent is also older abuse, plus it is disgusting. My children also advised me to drive my mom with dementia to my brother and drop her at his door. Why ? Because no one person should be left with this task, siblings should offer some relieve, in any possible way, taking mom for several weeks, coming and helping in her place, money, etc..
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You should see this threat as a cry for help. This sibling sounds very burnout. Look at it through her point of view. Maybe arrange to take care of Mom for a while or hire care to help. This is a cry for help.
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Ok I found and read the OP's background to this story:
"Yeah there is a long back story. I will try to summarize. My mom was in a assisted living place in Missouri and was complaining about it so my sister about a year ago drove up and took her out of that place and put her in a very expensive assisted living facility in Atlanta. Nobody knew this was going to occur.

Jump to a year later and we are out of money. My mom is probably going to be discharged and my sister is planning to drop her off at my doorstep. My mom is 92, legally blind, has dementia and basically needs 7x24 care. Right now long term memory case is what she needs. I live in WI and I also do not have the money nor means to care for her in home. "

I still have some questions. Does anyone have DPOA? Who signed the contract for the MO and Atlanta facilities? If sister signed her in to the last facility I'm sure they must have given her a "heads up" about funding so I would thing sister had to know this was coming and most AL and MC have very limited Medicaid beds (I'm generously guessing that there were none available in Mom's Atlanta AL when her funds ran out). Not sure from your post how involved you are with communication to your Mom but it sounds like communication with your sister is problematic and possibly has been for some time, although, if you know she is threatening to deposit Mom on your doorstep, there must have been some recent communication. It would also appear that your sister is unable or unwilling to complete a Medicaid application for your Mom. If none of you have funds for Mom's living options someone is going to have to do the Medicaid application because that is the only gov't program that pays for long term care. If your sister has been involved with Mom's care at the AL it would be best for her to make the application because theoretically, she has access to the needed documents (5 years worth of bank statements, birth, death and marriage certificates, etc) but she may just throw up her hands. Medicaid has to be applied for in the state in which the recipient resides. I would suggest you contact your local Office on Aging and explain the situation to them. They may be able to direct you to an eldercare attorney who can further explain the legalities of the situation. If Mom is dropped on your doorstep and sister speeds off you can call your local Adult Protective Service agency and ask for their assistance. Be aware that these agencies are always understaffed (even more so with the pandemic) and for an immediate response the subject (older person) must be in "severe and immediate danger".
If neither you or your sister has DPOA, the state of residence will need to appoint a guardian to oversee your Mother's welfare.

Good luck on this journey.
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my2cents Jun 2021
A little more info did help, thanks. The AL definitely would have kept them aware of the money running out. And I can't imagine that they didn't offer assistance to do the Medicaid app and get the ball rolling. They want to get paid. This child should call the facility and find out what needs to be done to get her in Medicaid bed/NH care. Shouldn't be that hard. Many of the AL facilities also have Medicaid beds. Mom just needs a shift. Since she's been in facility already, the income/resources info is probably already available to move forward.

Mom was going to run out of money anyway regardless of where she was in a facility. Might have lasted a tad longer in one state/city versus another but clearly mom didn't have a bottomless pit for money. Bank accounts will reflect if sib was using mom's money for other things besides her care - however that would be an expensive, long battle.

If mom gets dropped off, so be it. Take her in, get her established with a dr, and then (if necessary) take her to ER if there are any 'events'. From ER she can be sent to NH, Medicaid process started while she's on free Medicare days, and you get her placed. Maybe a few bumps in that road, but possible.
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There must be more to it then this.
Has your sibling been mom's Caregiver and has burn out and needs a break or what?

Who is the Legal Guardian fir your mom.

There is nothing illegal about taking your mom to her kids house.

If neither one if ya'll want to take care of mom, then ya'll need to talk to each other and find a Senior Home for her to be admitted to.

Please don't stress your mom out.
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