My sibling is threatening to leave my dementia mom on my door step and trying to figure how if there is any legal action I can take to stop that from happening and what I should do in the event it does happen? Thanks for any help/advice as this is a pretty terrifying scenario for my immediate family.
If sister was POA, she should have been monitoring her funds and should have known the assets were running out. Action needed to be taken before that happened. If no one was POA, who was paying the bills? Has anyone provided accounting for where her assets went?
Regardless of why sister moved her or why there is no more money to pay the bills, the important factor in all this is your mother. She needs care. She will likely need a new place to live. It will have to be paid for somehow. If your sister isn't competent enough to tackle the Medicaid route, someone needs to do it.
Rather than asking if it's legal for her to drop mom off on your doorstep, ask what you can do to help out in making the necessary changes happen. This might require hiring legal assistance - not to protect you from her dropping mom off, but to help sort the situation out and get help for your mother.
My brothers were of very little help, early on in mom's care needs. Basically they more or less disappeared into the woodwork. I was managing everything for her, paying her bills, arranging repair/clean of condo to sell it, and much more, alone. Had mom been about to run out of funds, I would have been the one to search around and find another place for her and get through the Medicaid issues. I couldn't count on them for help. It would have been nice to have some help, even if just emotional support, but other help would have been even better. BE the support mom needs. If sister is that desperate, someone needs to take this on and bring it to a GOOD solution.
NOTE: to the best of my understanding, most Medicaid programs (federally funded, but managed by states) have their own rules and residency requirements. IF Medicaid would be needed, it would be best to work with the state she is currently living in.
I think talk. Now. With honestly. Aim: To diffuse this bomb.
Kindly joke your home is not a refuge for 'Granny Dumps'.
If you need to spell it out simple: Do not dump Mom here. It won't solve things.
Ask your sister what she REALLY needs?
You may choose to help her, to help find the next path for your Mom, or maybe you choose not to. (Based on the past, family history whatever). If so, make your boundaries clear.
I suppose you can't stop your Sister driving to your home.. but you do not need to answer your door?
Is she a caring type but naive & now maybe feeling desparate? Or a first rate drama lover, wants a showdown with you?
What's the actual likelihood of her driving off leaving an elderly lady out front alone??
If the chance is slim, work on diffusing your own worries. If high... 😨 I don't know! Hide inside & let a neighbour call the Cops??
I have an elderly mother with the help of my GF soon to be wife that helps me with my mother. I have a younger brother who does not lift a finger to help at all and will not. Are you that person?
If you are either say you don't give a flip of your mother or step up.. one or the other.
APS, and 911 are in it together to assist elders who require more care than can be provided at home for a vulnerable adult. If you call APS, the sheriff/police are required to also investigate. The goal is to get Mom immediate care so there is no neglect.
People need to read the updates by the OP:
THE OP name is MADDOGS has said:
["Yeah there is a long back story. I will try to summarize. My mom was in a assisted living place in Missouri and was complaining about it so my sister about a year ago drove up and took her out of that place and put her in a very expensive assisted living facility in Atlanta. Nobody knew this was going to occur.]
MADDDOGS continues to state: [ "Jump to a year later and we are out of money. My mom is probably going to be discharged and my sister is planning to drop her off at my doorstep. My mom is 92, legally blind, has dementia and basically needs 7x24 care. Right now long term memory case is what she needs. I live in WI and I also do not have the money nor means to care for her in home. " ]
OP, MADDOGS.
Maddogs states: [Yeah there is a long back story. I will try to summarize. My mom was in a assisted living place in Missouri and was complaining about it so my sister about a year ago drove up and took her out of that place and put her in a very expensive assisted living facility in Atlanta. Nobody knew this was going to occur.]
["Jump to a year later and we are out of money. My mom is probably going to be discharged and my sister is planning to drop her off at my doorstep. My mom is 92, legally blind, has dementia and basically needs 7x24 care. Right now long term memory case is what she needs. I live in WI and I also do not have the money nor means to care for her in home.]
Becoming guardian is not a lightweight matter; it has to go through the courts.
"Are you all living in the same area?"
Missouri to Atlanta to WI.
3 states apart!
You may be entering the twilight zone.
"Yeah there is a long back story. I will try to summarize. My mom was in a assisted living place in Missouri and was complaining about it so my sister about a year ago drove up and took her out of that place and put her in a very expensive assisted living facility in Atlanta. Nobody knew this was going to occur.
Jump to a year later and we are out of money. My mom is probably going to be discharged and my sister is planning to drop her off at my doorstep. My mom is 92, legally blind, has dementia and basically needs 7x24 care. Right now long term memory case is what she needs. I live in WI and I also do not have the money nor means to care for her in home. "
I still have some questions. Does anyone have DPOA? Who signed the contract for the MO and Atlanta facilities? If sister signed her in to the last facility I'm sure they must have given her a "heads up" about funding so I would thing sister had to know this was coming and most AL and MC have very limited Medicaid beds (I'm generously guessing that there were none available in Mom's Atlanta AL when her funds ran out). Not sure from your post how involved you are with communication to your Mom but it sounds like communication with your sister is problematic and possibly has been for some time, although, if you know she is threatening to deposit Mom on your doorstep, there must have been some recent communication. It would also appear that your sister is unable or unwilling to complete a Medicaid application for your Mom. If none of you have funds for Mom's living options someone is going to have to do the Medicaid application because that is the only gov't program that pays for long term care. If your sister has been involved with Mom's care at the AL it would be best for her to make the application because theoretically, she has access to the needed documents (5 years worth of bank statements, birth, death and marriage certificates, etc) but she may just throw up her hands. Medicaid has to be applied for in the state in which the recipient resides. I would suggest you contact your local Office on Aging and explain the situation to them. They may be able to direct you to an eldercare attorney who can further explain the legalities of the situation. If Mom is dropped on your doorstep and sister speeds off you can call your local Adult Protective Service agency and ask for their assistance. Be aware that these agencies are always understaffed (even more so with the pandemic) and for an immediate response the subject (older person) must be in "severe and immediate danger".
If neither you or your sister has DPOA, the state of residence will need to appoint a guardian to oversee your Mother's welfare.
Good luck on this journey.
Mom was going to run out of money anyway regardless of where she was in a facility. Might have lasted a tad longer in one state/city versus another but clearly mom didn't have a bottomless pit for money. Bank accounts will reflect if sib was using mom's money for other things besides her care - however that would be an expensive, long battle.
If mom gets dropped off, so be it. Take her in, get her established with a dr, and then (if necessary) take her to ER if there are any 'events'. From ER she can be sent to NH, Medicaid process started while she's on free Medicare days, and you get her placed. Maybe a few bumps in that road, but possible.
Why?
nvm obviously I'm missing something here.
Has your sibling been mom's Caregiver and has burn out and needs a break or what?
Who is the Legal Guardian fir your mom.
There is nothing illegal about taking your mom to her kids house.
If neither one if ya'll want to take care of mom, then ya'll need to talk to each other and find a Senior Home for her to be admitted to.
Please don't stress your mom out.
If you have a sibling that is this desperate, you really should be trying to figure out how to help the sibling instead of how to protect yourself. It's not terrifying for your immediate family - it's terrifying for your mom and the sibling. To even consider legal action against the sib, who apparently has her now, is a little selfish - IMO. Why not try to help resolve the siblings 'can't handle this alone anymore' issue. Would be a far kinder action on your part.
First off, if sib brings her to your house, what would be illegal about that. Assuming you are not a convicted abuser of people, she would be leaving her in a safe place...with family....correct? A responsible act.
Why not offer sib some relief? Go to mom and offer to stay a while or work out a REASONABLE schedule with sibling for you to take mom and give sib a break. Or sit down with sib and discuss a facility setting that is affordable to mom. If no money, it might be time to apply for Medicaid NH bed.
Reread your post so you understand how this sounds to those of us who get little to no help from siblings and I think you'll understand why this response might sound a little harsh. While I try 24/7 to avoid anger or bad thoughts about my own situation, if one of my siblings thought about legal action against me versus helping me I'm quite sure that would be the straw that breaks the camels back...way over the line on their part. My intent is to maintain the close relationship we've always had, but I'm afraid this would be much too much for me. - On the other hand, I don't know if your sibling relationship is as important to you.
Without any additional info, I would contact your local elder or
aging agency and inquire and inform these people to protect you from any
continuing threat of basically abandoning your parent. You could attempt to get
a restraining order if the court feels that it is warranted. Good luck.
1. Talk to the sibling, if possible. They are threatening you which has put you on edge, no kidding.
2. If sibling won't talk reasonably, move on to one of these options:
Gerontologist
The former Assisted Living Residence
Your mother's doctor(s)
...because you need more information
3. Reach out to any and all resources in YOUR city and see what you can figure out.
4. Go to your church or synagogue or other religious establishment, if you are associated with one, and see if there's someone who can counsel you on elder care.
5. Get legal advice-- not to deal with your sibling, but to deal with your mom. Power of Attorney. DNR. Health Insurance. Medicaid. Bank Accounts. If mom is coming, you have to know all the who what and where. Refer back to #1-- write it all down.
6. Make lists. Take care of yourself. Try to make a plan for all eventualities. Get help from friends or other family who have been through a similar situation.
Unfortunately every family cannot work together and unsure why pre-arrangements are not made by parents instead of expecting their children to work this out. I feel most parents need to work out their own plans, and just stop trying to make their children take care of them. This is a burden for most adult children, but know this will take the funds away so you cannot have it both ways.
I would like to know why your sister feels so overwhelmed and "stuck" in this situation that she is threatening to leave your mother with you? Do you take turns with caring for your mom so your sister can get a break? One thing you can do is contact Aging and Disability Services and get a caregiver to come in and give your sister and everyone else who is caring for her a break! Plus, caregivers have a lot of experience with this stuff and she/he could have valuable skills to show your sister to help!
You can also have ADS give your mom a SLUM test or a MOCA test to see the level of mental decline and maybe your mom would be better off in a care facility if that's an option your family would entertain!
I know that it's a tough situation, but you came to a great site/message board and I am sure someone here has better advice than I do! God bless you!