Siblings who do not help have now gone too far. Any advice?
Desperate situation. I have three siblings, two of whom don't work, and none who do anything to help. They won't even take her out to lunch. My mother, who has end stage ms, asked my elder sister if she would wash her hair and my sister refused. She did it in a sneaky way by texting me that mom had emailed her re her hair and that I should wash it, insinuating clearly that i had dropped the ball. The final straw came yesterday, and I am so totally sickened by this that I can't even think straight. I have the flu, it started yesterday, and while I've had to endure my fathers abuse for iypt, I was just getting done what I could . My mother had diahhrea yesterday and dad took her back to bed. Today my skin is itchy and I have a fever of 101. But yesterday, my sister told me that she thinks I gave my mother laxatives in order to "back up" my "story" about being sick. I am now not just faking my illness according to her, I would also harm my mother. I can't even find a word or words to describe how disgusting she is for even thinking that, let alone saying it out loud. Please, please, does anyone know how to deal with someone like this? By the way, the family knows my temp is 101 today and not one has offered to come help even though I am certain I am contagious. I am at a loss and know that when I feel physically better I am going to have quite a bit of anger. Any advice please, this crushed me. I don't really care that she called me a faker (she is47 years old if you can believe that) because I am used to her low pathetic blows. But this latest sickens me. When I told my elderly father what shed said he did not say a word in my defense. If somebody has dealt with a family this lazy and overtly evil please I am desperate for advice. Thank you.
If I had the money i would buy mum a ticket to paris and just text my sister to pick her up at the airport?
Ive decided to stuff them why bother wasting your breath,time and energy on them there will be plenty to say when mum dies.
Mum feels guilty that my sis paid for my hair? she expects me to be eternally grateful? what she spent on me is nothing compared to the work i do of looking after mum 24/7 over 5yrs?
She will fly back now and here we go again!!!!!!
Pretend your sibs don't exist, and start scouring the recesses of your neighborhood for free or low-cost helping hands. Like I say sometimes in Spanish, "El que no llora no mama". Put simply, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
As a parent, I owed my sons the moment they were born. They didn't ask me to bring them into my world, so I've never expected them to drop what they're doing and come to the rescue. Whatever they do for me comes from their heart and moral compass, and never has a price tag attached to it.
Me too, LOL. I was thinking while reading your spastic rant that we all must be the nutty ones. I'm sure that you are right about them colluding with each other to get what they want and act any way they damn please all for the purpose of making us work harder and trying to make us miserable. LOL!
kazzaa LOL - that gave me a much needed laugh. I like your imagination. These days are a bit rough and a good laugh helps. Part of what keeps us going,
Then theres the tv shes ugly fat too thin funny looking oh I don't like him or her shes crap he has a funny nose this film is crap,this one is boring,this one is too old that was crap I don't like food anymore its crap.
Mum would you like a cup of tea and watch "hoarding buried alive" yes please oh look at the mess hes just a lazy pig!
Beam me up scotty you cannot make this woman happy! you know sometimes I think maybe its nice to go nuts say what you like when you like,pee when and where you want,eat what you want,make a mess as someones there to clean it up! don't wash sure who going to see me. don't wear teeth whod notice? fling your dirty clothes anywhere in the house and someone will pick them up. pee all over the bathroom who cares someone will clean it up!
You know maybe this being nuts isn't so bad afterall I mean we could just whatever we wanted and get away with it?
Maybe theres no such thing as dementia maybe a gang of old people got together and have this sussed so we would have to look after them while they did whatever they wanted? maybe they call each other every night and say what crap did you get away with tonight isn't this cool pretending weve got dementia and everyone does everything we ask them to do?
Yep maybe we are the nuts they seem happy enough in their little world of dictatorship!!!!
My mother's will is kept in her filing cabinet. I haven't looked at it and I have no plans to. I worked out this evening that I am saving my mother about £2000 per month by caring for her full time in our home, which we share with my partner. And yet my sister's sincerely held belief is that I must be in it for the money, and I must have some Machiavellian scheme bubbling away to get my sticky paws on it. That's how her mind works. All I can do is not let it bother me, and quarantine myself from my mother's finances just for my own peace of mind.
The one thing I am determined to push through is a letter of wishes dealing with funeral arrangements: my brother and sister are joint executors, as well as joint financial POA. My father's ashes sat in a cardboard box on my brother's bedroom window sill for two and a half years before he could be prevailed on to make decent arrangements. I am not seeing that repeated: I am getting a funeral director round to help my mother draw up a costed plan and will insist that the money is put aside in advance so that she need never think about the subject again. There will be hell to pay for this interference. I don't care.
In my family, if you have a car accident your siblings will tell you why it was your fault. If you're worried, why you're being feeble/stupid/self-pitying/melodramatic. If something bad happens, you're told oh well what did you expect, get on with it. And what gets to me most is that, decades on, when I do sympathise aloud over something like illness or relationship difficulties or concerns about children, the response is astonishment that I would care. Like it's weird to care about your family. I give up.
I can't wait to be shot of them, to be honest, and then I won't have to care. How long, oh Lord, how long..?
It's sad as hell to me. No care taking isn't easy. Yes, you may have to deal with some unpleasant things. Shouldn't everyone in a family man up and do what's right? I'm not saying give up life for any parent. But...helping? Of course, if you can and you're able. If you're able but do nothing for a family member than you're shit as far as I'm concerned and DNA be damned. I wouldn't have 'family' members I would call my own for long if they acted like some of what you guys describe around here. It's crazy. When did the world get so f'd up?
You are not alone. I communicate less and less with her and that means very little indeed. The last set of accusations, in my view, deprived her of the right to get updates about mother. I crossed her off the list.
I will have a clear mind when mum dies that I did all I could to help her god help my siblings they will have to live with the guilt.
Hugs to all/ bigger hugs to all with sibling issues!
isn't it terrible just how much shit an elder could get us into by lying lucky I told the doc and I make a point of telling him everything she does to make sure its recorded! What a life? Maybe we are all NUTS to be doing this job OR sure will be by the time were done!!!
Anywhoo! maybe god is giving me a break??? I think mums dementia is starting to hit home to her I showed her mums meds and how she was so disorganised taking them ALSO the carer was there and said a few things to my sister about how stressful it is for me. My mums meds are blister packed mon - sun 3 tabs in morning 2 in evening yes a 3yr old could work it out. my sister (whos emotionally thick) asked the carer why mum was taking them in a disorganised way which is lethal the carer laughed and said " I think you need to educate yourself about dementia"!
I think mum is getting worse and FINALLY I think my sister is waking up to the shit ahead of us! for the first time ever she is saying she needs to be in a NH and her meds monitored? my sister for the first time got the end of mums foul mouth!!!!YIPEEEEEEE she asked mum to let me take over her meds as she was worried and mum let her have it "don't you dare start telling me what to do im not an idiot" oh yes screeched at her YIPEEEEEEE thankyou god my sister is starting to see what im putting up with.
I couldn't help myself last night though and again put one of mums smelly depends under my sis's bedcovers this morning she said she felt ill when she found it!! I said " I know its so sad god love her she just dosnt know what shes doing"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!TEE HEE HEE (hell hath no fury than a worn out messed up CARER)
I had ONE cigarette last night my sister drove me to it!
Feeling a bit better today and less stressed as my sis starting to see how nutty mum is becoming sad isn't how this can make me happy?
My sister has mum for the WHOLE WKEND yipeeeeeee she should be on crack cocaine by Monday!!!!
Heres to CARERS REVENGE! hey wouldn't that make a great movie!
And Bummer, let your sister know about the word 'assault' and that you won't hesitate to nail her to the wall if she ever puts a hand on you. And mean it.
And don't kid yourself, she won't feel bad when your folks are gone. It's all about her and it will always be about her. So just take yourself out of the drama and stay away from her and quit trying to figure out why she did what she did and how you can rationalize/justify/understand it. You can't.
But I don't see how that helps you.
What the hell is going on here? How does everyone seem to get the impression that your mother needs great care taken of her, your father doesn't support you emotionally, two sisters do sweet FA and the other makes bizarrely vicious accusations in order to hurt you - which is the one who does work, by the way? -, and the whole lot of them seem to think you're the house drudge? How has this come about? How long has it been going on? How much longer are you planning to take it for?
Because this has got to change. Where would you like to start?
At xmas mum offered to make the stuffing for the turkey I said no its ok you relax ill do it. My sister threw her two cents in then by telling me if mum wants to make the stuffing then why dont you let her stop bullying her? I grabbed my sis in the kitchen in front of my brother and told her that if she wants mum to make stuffing with dirty hands maybe covered in POO basically not hygenic then go ahead thankgod my brother agreed and told her to shut up OR come home and look after her. Apart from the hygiene issues my mum cant cook anymore she burns things and dosnt know what shes doing sad but reality.
I know the utter FRUSTRATION when siblings that dont help try and tell us what to do it can drive you to madness!!
Have NOTHING to do with them if you live with your parents move out if you can help them from a distance if like me you live with them do your best by your dad ignore him not supporting you spend the last precious time with mum and screw your siblings i dont answer the phone here and my sister texts me to order me to answer the phone i tell her all sorts like im in the bath or im out mum cant hear the phone FCK my sister has just walked in the fckin door thought she was coming tomorrow. Fck and im here she said tomorrow im so angry as i couldve been out.
GOD HELP ME!
Second, do not play into things with her by passing them along. Why even tell your father what she said? She deserved a text back stating "I am ill, I am not faking, and I would NEVER do anything like that to harm our mother. You have no right whatsoever to assume those things, and the very suggestion sickens me. We will not be communicating further without an apology from you." Make your best effort to shut off the drama machine, and if she stoops low enough to call APS or do something else to turn it back on, keep your cool and they will come and see it is evident you are giving the care that is needed and then some. They will then turn around and tell her the accusations are unfounded. Don't let her ruin your self-esteem when you are the one doing the RIGHT thing all along.