Sister created needless drama, so why do I feel like I look like the bad guy?
Yesterday my mom with dementia called my sister and I claiming our dad was missing. It was 9:30 in the morning. Mom was able to relay that both cars were still in the garage, but dad was nowhere. We each live one hour drive away. I did not actually receive the message however until 5:00 since that is the end of my work day and I usually do not check my personal phone. I also saw one of their good friends had left a message, so I figured something happened.
I called my parents, but they did not answer. Then I called their friend. She informed me things were alright. What happened was that my sister had been trying to call me but I never answered so my sister called this friend for help. My sister was unable to check on our parents, so she asked this friend who lives close to check on them instead. This friend went through the house and did not see my dad. My sister told her to start calling some other friends to canvass the local area in case dad went for a walk and had fallen. All of their friends are in the 80's. This could not have been easy for them. This search apparently ensued for a few hours, but when nobody found dad, my sister told this friend to call the local police to report a missing person.
Two officers arrived at the house. They walked through the bedroom and pulled up the comforter and there was my dad who had been sleeping but just awoken. Mystery solved.
I believe my parents need to be in an ALF, but that is not the reason for my post. I do not know why my sister was unable to check on our parents. However, I felt like she orchestrated quite a drama scene, and I feel like I am on the defense about my absence. I did not even know this was happening. It also sort of feels like she created an issue, and I look like the clod responsible that it had to happen.
I have not spoken to my sister in a couple of years. I do not plan to re-engage with her. Is there any good way to deal with these dynamics? Thank you.
6 Answers
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I am wondering if your sister, has a good dose of artistic talent too - but in the drama department?
Without making light any further, this must be a hard time. The folks are in their house holding on, but this waiting, this *awaiting a crisis* time.. many posters have to written about the dread & stress. It may be eating your sister up?
Your folks living arrangements, whether safe or not is a tough one, but it's up to Dad really. Keep reminding Dad there are other options when he is ready.
As to the Missing Person episode, some people are fire-fighters & when faced with drama, they douse the flames. They say "I'm sure it will be fine" as they logically think the situation through.
Others quickly move into panic, start flapping immediately like a nervous bird. I think of the 'Chicken Little' story.. "The sky is falling!" Every headache is a brain tumour etc
What I call the Anxious Supervisor will get into a flap then delegate to all in range, using fear to motivate an army of helpers. I have 2 of these in my lot.
Your sister COULD have talked to Mom on the phone & directed her as she checked all around the house - thoroughly. Then escalated to enlisting neighbours & Police as needed. She did what she could think of at the time.
You can't change your sister's response or nature. You can't change what happened. Not answering your phone the instant she calls is NOT a crime. I say: *All's well that ends well*
IF you want to keep in closer contact with your sister, tread carefully. You want to avoid being assigned as her 'Fixer' for every issue.
Use your logic when faced with the next episode. This could be Series 1 of many.
Your parents care plan needs to be reevaluated too.
It sounds like a chapter of accidents, with sister to blame only if this sort of thing happens more often. You think that sister did it all wrong, she may be saying that you did it all wrong. You don’t get on, haven’t spoken for 2 years.
The real issue seems to be whether parents should go to AL – that’s the dynamic that matters. Your relationship with sister is just a red herring.
Your parents probably should not be living alone, or at least your dad should not leave mom unsupervised. Since she is the one with dementia she could very easily have wandered off looking for dad or just deciding to go for a walk or heaven forbid a drive. (please tell me she does not drive!)
The two of them in Assisted Living or her in Memory Care at the least would be the safest. Or a caregiver when mom is unsupervised. (and if dad takes naps, mom is unsupervised)
Your parents are no longer safe living alone.
The police should have been called immediately, no 80 year olds wandering around looking for dad.