My mom has alzheimer's/dementia and moved in with me two years ago. She doesn't need medical care, or getting dressed/bathroom yet. She does need help with everything else like all food/drink, she doesnt know how to operate the TV etc. and does not know how to get her own food, what a refrigerator is, etc. (just confused) So I have been doing everything, breakfast, meds, lunch, monitor blood pressure (she has stage 3 kidney dis) and dinner - and tracking her sodium/protein. My sister that lives across the country handles my moms finances. After she moved in I was laid off - but was getting unemployment, and able to pay (almost) for everything with my mom contributing a portion, and then I was home to take mom to her many doctor appts, etc. Well now, my unemployment has run out, and I still have not found a job. We are in california where the recovery is slower, and I am looking for a job - anyway- my sister thinks my mom , me and my teenage daughter should all move to live with her - (we have tried this before and none of us liked it) So I told her I was not doing that again, and if it came down to it, I will live in my car, and my daughter can go stay at her dads. My sister and her husband are in a panic acting like the end of the world is here. The situation is my moms social security covers the expenses except for groceries, which I am going to buy with the food stamp amount I receive for my daughter and I. My mom has savings, bonds, etc. not a lot, but some, and I have told my sister that I realize my mom will probably have to dip into that a few times but it shouldn't be a lot and that I plan on getting a job, and when I do, I still want my mom to live with us, and I will replenish whatever money has been taken out to cover the months I wasnt able to contribute my share. I have talked to my mom about it, and I think she understands a little, but when I have tried to explain the financial part of it, she gets very confused and frustrated and says she doesnt know if she has any money (which is why she isnt handling it anymore) SO of course I want to do whats best for my mom, and if its better for her to live somewhere else, maybe assisted living where they adjust the amount of "help" she receives, since she doesnt need medical attention, or have her live in senior living and have someone come to her place maybe 2 times per day? I just know her last apartment (which was just an apartment for seniors and about 500 sq feet) was only $400 less than what the house we are in right now costs, and it has 3 bedrooms, 1 for each of us, and you can not find places this cheap in CA. My mom's doctor has us scheduled for a "senior evaluation" and after all the doctors complete their evaluation I am almost certain they will not want my mom living alone. So in order to get my sister off my back, and to quit making me feel worse than I do - I was going to tell her (and her husband) that they can figure out what to do and leave me out of the equasion and give them these choices: 1) have my mom move in with them (they already told me they will NOT have my mom -unless I am there to take care of her- move in with them as they can not handle it) 2) have my mom move into assisted living which will cost 3 times what this place costs, 3) have my mom move into a small sr. apartment and have someone come to her place at least 2x per day and take her to her doctor / physical therapy appointments(but I am almost certain the evaluation will state this is not a good choice) or 4) we all stay here - and tough it out - I contribute food and any money I can get for child support (which is only $200 per month) and unfortunately we will have draw some of my moms savings out - BUT with the understanding I WILL GET A JOB and that I will continue to do what I'm doing, and when I get a job and go back to work I will repay whatever money was removed due to my lack of employment - and with the understanding that once I go back to work, we will need someone to come in while I'm at work to provide my mom with lunch, help her get her soaps on, dr. appts, etc. WOW I have really rambled, but I am so upset that my sister and her husband are treating me this way - like everything is my fault- which is why I want to give them the choices, or to let the ball be in their court, with me totally out of the game - because I dont want or need the added stress they have placed on me. I guess what I would like is an outside opinion as to what would be better - not for me or my sister or my daughter, but BEST for my mom!
I am really sorry I wrote so much - guess I had a lot to vent - but thanks for reading - and I will appreciate ALL advice!
God Bless you and your Mom and daughter
keep in touch
Would you mom qualify for Medicaid, since she has stage 3 kidney disease as well as Alzheimer's and cannot take care of herself? She may have to use up some of what she has in savings first, but in the long run it might be the best approach. Are there other assistance programs for the elderly in your area? When Mom has that senior evaluation will be a good time to ask all kinds of these questions. The clinic should be able to at least direct you to some resources.
I don't quite understand where Sister is coming from. What is the panic? Is she concerned about your mother, or that you are getting some benefit from mother helping out with the house payments? Here's a news flash: Your mother is not going to get through this without spending her savings one way or the other. What is Sister trying to hold on to it for? Mom's old age? I'd say we're there, folks.
Sister may be a very caring person, but it is pretty hard to tell from across the country just what the true situation is.
Hang in there! (And everything is NOT YOUR FAULT!) Tell Sister I said so. :)
good luck.
You said that your sister has control over your Mother's finances, does she have POA? If she does not, I would suggest that you get POA and take control as you have all of the responsibilities for the care of your Mother and are doing a great job.