So how do you all deal with the holidays coming and a family member being in a NH?

Maine127,

I understand that It's hard to have an aged family member in care - for me, it's my Mom, after having lost my Dad. Everything is changed. It's been 2 yrs now with Mom in a SNF and as the dementia progresses, it matters to her less and less.

Because I'm a Nana myself and my daughter and grandkids live with me, I do the mainstay of holiday meals with lots of prep assist. I can't drive to see Mom on the holidays and so I make every effort to make the 'season' special and the MC unit staff do a lot for the residents as well as their being served a good meal. We talk daily and while Mom is still with it enough to understand that it's a holiday, it's truly like any other day for her.

I keep her room decorated for the holiday seasons and often come to visit as soon after as possible and bring her a sampling of the meal, frozen and then heated up and plated; I sit with her while she enjoys home cooking; many of the dishes are her recipes and she enjoys this, especially the pie. My folks were coffee hounds and I always bring her a cup of brewed dark roast with some treat for us to share, anytime I visit.

Just do what you can to make the days and weeks over this holiday season as meaningful for your LO as you can and don't feel guilty about not visiting on the holidays. The way I've looked at it is that my Mom has far more to grieve over - with the totality of her life losses, esp the loss of her beloved husband - to focus on any particular day. I can never make up for these losses and I can't allow myself guilt over my own limitations.

I've observed that there is comfort in forgetting and while my Mom cycles through deepening dementia, I note, by some of her responses, that she's willingly letting go of memories of loss that are painful for her; I see this in her response to some things that I say, memories that I speak to her of. I've stopped bringing photo albums to look through and apart from minor decoration changes in her room, I keep it the same, incl the framed family photos.

Please do not think about any judgment from the NH facility staff; if they do judge anyone, it's not their business to do so and you should not care. I have a fair rapport with many of Mom's care providers and I see no judgment from them whatsoever. There are many NH residents who have no one to care and they appreciate involved families. They sympathize with the difficulties of losing a LO to dementia.

You'll find a way to lessen your guilt over time. Your LO was placed for her/his own safety and wellbeing, there's no shame in that. Let your LO know that you and the rest of the family are doing well, bring happy news and keep her/him in the loop on family events. Gauge your LO's response to reminders of and memories that may be too great a reminder of the overall loss of the full and long life they've lived, you may find that they find comfort in forgetting and just want happy updates on the young ones.

It get's easier with time. Wishing you and yours the best.

Be the family that shows up regularly, not the one that shows up for a holiday. The staff will notice and appreciate you far more. Take them a tray of cookies or a basket of fruit occasionally and they’ll appreciate you all the more

Be like many people are starting to do and think, the Holiday is just another day on the calendar.

You are IN NO WAY responsible for what “…the staff will think”, and that should be a very low priority in your concern.

Your JOB is to get the joy of your Thanksgiving from your Loved Ones and give your joy back to THEM.

I live nearby and we’ll be eating at a nearby restaurant so I’ll race in for a few minutes, but not because of concern for the staff.

DO YOUR BEST to enjoy your respite time!

Not sure about NHs but Moms AL had holiday dinners before the Holiday so families could come and join in.

Once Mom was in the AL, I did not bring her to Holiday dinners. Most were at my daughter's. Lots of people and kids. She would have been ready to go back not long after we got there. We didn't even stay long. Too much for us.

You have been caregiving for a while. Let yourself enjoy the Holidays without worrying about Mom. We never know what the future will bring.

Maine127, when my Dad was living in senior facility, the facility usually celebrate the holidays with a special meal on said day, so it's not like the residents are completely out of the holiday loop.

Don't feel bad about traveling out of town. Think of it this way, your Mom has been to 20+ more Thanksgivings gatherings over her years than you have, at this point in time. It's time for you to do the same and make the same kind of memories that she had :)

I think staff frankly appreciates it when family doesn’t come the day of the holiday. It just increases the burden on staff who have to be on the job and not with their families as it is. I would send them pounds of boxed chocolates on the day in appreciation, and see your mom earlier or later.

The staff are very used to families not showing up, even on those specially-marked calendar days. I'd think what matters is that you're there regularly; especially if they've lost the thread of the days. Keep showing up any day on the calendar, bring treats, play music, be with them.

First of all who says Thanksgiving has to be on Thursday? Last year my family was all doing other things or visiting others on Thursday so I had mine on Saturday and it was great! I waited a whole two days and I had everyone! hee hee! Just pretend that the day you visit is the most special day in the world. As far as the staff. TB -- too bad who cares what they think. They aren't with their families either.