I was my daddy's full time caregiver for almost 6 yrs. He had vascular dementia and also supra Pubic Cath which he got a lot of uti's and bacteria in blood and more... We had our good and bad days and crazy I can't do this anymore days but I'm very thankful I never put him away as I call nursing home. So many hallucinations and more. He passed away 2 weeks ago. We had hospice and he had started to decline, driving me insane some days so they offered respite care. Sadly, I agreed even though it was nice to get 5 day break ..well he came back home worse than when he left, so now so many regrets and were they being mean going in my head ..so thank goodness my younger sis started staying helping. I kept telling nurses I think he has another uti and of course nothing done. Well another week went by choking more on food, not able to swallow pills. choking on water so they started him on agitation meds seemed to help his outbreaks then seizures began he couldn't hold his head up.. Declined so fast.. Ok so days go by they say decline and transitioning started morphine .. He kept looking at ceiling hollering out moma help me I wanna go home.. I said if angels are here take their hand its ok ..he said not yet and omg he slept so much now no voice not eating not drinking. I knew in my heart he only had a few days left so we took turns being beside him all day all night.. Friday night came, I left to do errands and a sense came over me I knew this was our last night. I hurried home, I prayed with him, I put music on, I talked to him and he opens his eyes he looks so scared. I comfort him telling him it's ok daddy you can let go, go be with momma we will be ok he shook his head no. I cried, I prayed and played bible verses. I felt cold air rush by me, his breathing changed even more. His eyes so gray and glossy and fixated on me and on ceiling I knew his hearing went last as I had been trying to prepare and to know signs but this is the man that cared for me when I needed him and now I'm having to let him go and talking telling him it's ok to die go be with momma and your momma and I love u we all do. I tried staying strong for him.. Singing Christian church songs and worship songs and prayers and just reminiscing...At 525 am Saturday the 3rds lower deeper breaths I notice some fingers turning blue reality was hitting me in face omg what am I gonna do he was my dad, my job, my life. I have 2 kids but he was what I knew for 6 yrs and I'm watching him die.. Mins go by 5:35 am very cold in room light got brighter took a big breathe in no breathing but min later almost sat up making noises turned his head a little, opened his mouth and like white dust or powder or something blew out then he laid back down this happened 3 times then after 3rd time gently laid down and was gone..a glow from ceiling on his forehead..MY daddy was gone and I felt and seen entire thing. I was shaking crying in shock... But why lifting up 3 times???? Why a white dust or smoke or idk blowing out mouth ??? Something spiritual? I've asked several preachers 1 being his and he said it's his soul but others disagree and no one knows what this was but everyone in his room witnessed it .. Plz help me so I can get this out my head. And what's even crazier is his younger sister had liver problems and she passed away 4 days prior to his passing... So much I don't understand
To answer your immediate questions: With regard to the white substance emanating from the mouth, many people have related similar experiences when a loved one passes away. Some refer to it as the ectoplasm, others say it is the soul leaving the body. There really is no explanation for it outside of the spiritual or supernatural, with the possible exception of it being medically or physically related. For your own comfort, you can accept the preacher's explanation that it was your father's soul.
As for almost sitting up three times, people who are actively dying may experience a surge or burst of energy, sometimes only moments before death. They may try to get out of bed or display other agitated or restless behavior. This is normal. Breathing patterns often change, too. It's all part of the physical process.
Now for my experience with death and grieving... I was able to visit in person with my Mama the day she died, and had left the nursing home only 45 minutes before a nurse phoned to tell me that she had passed. Even so, the hour that I spent with her before she went was very traumatic for me - she was very cold to the touch, her breathing was irregular, and though her eyes were open, she seemed unaware of my presence. Like you, I told her that it was okay for her to go to Heaven, to be with her brothers and sister and her mother, and I told her how much I loved her, and thanked her for all of the wonderful things she had done for me over my life.
Though four months have passed since that day, I still cry when I think (or write) about it, but I get over the sadness more quickly than I did before. Every day that goes by makes a difference, but we never get completely over losing our parents. My father died 42 years ago from a massive heart attack, and sometimes it still brings a tear to my eye. We grieve because we love them.
This, too, shall pass. We have good days and bad days, high points and low points. I see that you already plan to focus on your life and your children, and that's a very good thing. You've already started the recovery process. Best wishes and many blessings to you, and peace be with you. And as for friends, you will always find them here!
I think it took me about a year before the memories started to fade – although they can still come back when I read things like your post. My business had more or less collapsed while I did the last caring, and it took me three months to clear everything from my mother’s AL flat, the funeral, and my sisters' visits. With no work in the pipeline, I went away on a trip with other people and other things to see. That helped a lot to give me different things to think about. Can you manage something similar?
Be reassured that you did your best, just like I did. I hope that you too can move on to a sense of pride that you cared for him in the end at home, just as I did for my mother, and just as she wanted too. Once again, lots of love, Margaret