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Social worker called and says my mom has to be discharged home. I asked what home? She sold it. She said, to your house where she came from. I said I already discussed that my house is not safe for her and it was only temporary until her apartment opened. She said well you can look into senior living facilities for her. I said, no that is your job. I do not have POA. She said then I will have to get my supervisor involved. Any other suggestions?

Sle, so, you are saying that the mother can treat her daughter anyway reprehensible way she chooses and the daughter is supposed to roll over and take it?

Tajann has put great effort into being there for her mom and mom continually kicks her in the heart, tears her down and mind ---KS her.

How would you recommend that a one-way relationship be healed? Should Tajann let herself be destroyed so she has a relationship? Seriously, what do you recommend besides just being a doormat for someone that, obviously, doesn't have any love or care for anyone beyond herself?

Or are you one of those mothers?
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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You don't have POA so that makes you unable to make some calls to tell the Social Worker that you have found a place that you think would be great for your mom? Sorry, you want to dump her on someone else because you have some serious unresolved issues with your mother. I very much hope that whatever it is that you will be able to make up with her before it is too late. That is a whole other level of grief and distress for you in your future. I pray I have misjudged but I know from whence I speak.
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mstrbill Oct 4, 2022
You have no idea what you are saying and you haven't familiarized yourself with the back story. She is not "dumping" anything or anybody, and it is not her responsibility to put herself through hell with the mother.(again, you haven't read the history here)
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Get the supervisor involved. Make it clear that "mom" can not come home to you. Make phone calls and work with social services to get her placed appropriately.
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I notice a lot of posts that are questions are going into discussions. For me, these could get missed. On a tablet, there are a few posts and you need to scroll down passed these posts to go to Discussions. I have to make a point to keep scrolling before I click to next page. So I miss things. I read from the site, don't do emails.

I have a feeling Tajann got strong armed into taking her Mom and now has her on her hands again.
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It would be really, really nice if the OP would come back to update us about what happened. It's very tiresome when lots of people spend lots of time responding to repeated posts from a person about an ongoing situation, only to never hear from them again. There are 40 responses on THIS POST ALONE, and no update from the OP. There are 11 responses on the discussion post about the SW wanting the mother to be released to a 'homeless shelter', and no update from the OP on that post either.
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gladimhere Oct 4, 2022
So drop it already!
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Tajann: It is IMPERATIVE that you state to the social worker OR her supervisor (if it comes to that) that it would be an unsafe discharge to your home. My goodness; that's rich - the social worker didn't involve you for days and now says your mother is being discharged to your home?! No way that that can or should happen. You have a separate thread here on the forum where you state that the SW was going to discharge your mother to a homeless shelter.
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Just so some of you who may be unaware, OP created another thread 9/27 stating the SW was going to discharge mom to a homeless shelter if she didn't take her. We all encouraged her to let them do that. OP hasn't updated since.
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CTTN55 Oct 3, 2022
I bet she was bullied into taking her mother in. Ugh. Wish she'd come back to update!
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They released my sister-in-law to my niece when she had a stroke, couldn’t speak or move and was mostly blind. My niece had a young family a full time job and a husband. There was no way she could take that on.

It was like a game of hot potato after that, eventually she got her in a home where a couple took care of her and was paid for by the state.

Do not except responsibility bc they are just moving her out. Certainly help find her new long term accommodations.

Once you take her they will disappear, at least while they have her they will help find her a real place to live.
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JoAnn29 Oct 2, 2022
In your niece's case she could have refused telling them she could not care for her mother. The SW would then need to find a place for Mom. You cannot be made to take someone into your home. Once you take that person, its ur responsibility. Niece could have requested Mom be sent to LTC and they would have found an empty bed.
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BRAVO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You did a good!
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get a elder care lawyer. dont take her home youll be in a worse position. things like this is happening now because of poor staffing issues since covid. you gave good replies.
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Firstly IF mom is competent ( and I haven’t seen the history of this situation so perhaps she is not ) then the POA doesn’t matter since that is not in effect . Secondly , depending on the laws where OP lives, there might be no choice in allowing mom back into home. This is because she might be considered to be a resident of that address . If there is an agreement of her contributing to the household monetarily then this could be considered as a rent situation requiring written notice and eviction proceedings. If she received mail or had this address listed as her “home”, again it is established that she lived there and could take lengthy court proceedings to remove her legally . In some places if she has belongings inside , preventing her from access is grounds for a case on her behalf. Depending on your locality , she may have right to come back inside , as her residency could have been established by merely have lived there for as little as two weeks. It seems crazy but check on the laws in your state for guidance. If she is deemed competent than you still would not have legal obligation to take care of or arrange care for her , thus it is still an unsafe discharge in that way.
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Becky04469 Oct 2, 2022
A POA can be in force even if Mom is competent. Not all POA's are springing or based on competency.
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I’ve had to deal w this for my mother multiple times. In my experience, it’s up to you (even without POA, I don’t have it either) where your mother goes, not the SW. If you say your home is unsafe, and Mom can’t be on her own, she can be sent to rehab. The SW can give you names of area places, but then you do have to decide which ones you like (they usually ask for 2 or 3 choices in case there’s no room at your first choice). Ideally you’ll go check out the places but if you can’t, at least check out the facilities’ ratings and reviews on Medicare.gov. Also note that—at least in NY—if you tell the SW you will be checking out places, say in the next 3 days or so, they have to wait because they have to provide a safe discharge. However, Medicare won’t pay forever and health wise you don’t Mom to be at the hospital longer than necessary. Lastly, know that if she does go to rehab, they’ll tell you they have to assess her before saying how long they’ll keep her, but generally speaking (though I’m sure there are exceptions) Medicare will cover 100 days IF Mom participates in rehab. If she refuses (as my Mom ALWAYS did; 30 days. I hope this is helpful. Good luck!!
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JoAnn29 Oct 2, 2022
You are not responsible for a parent. When No is the answer its then up to the SW to find the patient options. There is no reason for a child to get involved when the parent is competent. In this case, Mom is always doing what she wants. House should not have been closed on till Moms apt was ready.
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Who is her POA, if she has one? Is that person able to assist with getting her placed temporily? Ask to speak with the social worker's supervisor to discuss your mother's options (and get your mother's POA involved in this discussion). Are you willing to assist with finding a place for your mom to live temporarily?
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JoAnn29 Oct 2, 2022
OP has no POA. Her Mom is deemed competent. The SW needs to deal with the mother. There is a pattern with her Mom. She does not want to be involved. She has made this clear to the SW from day one.
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Hopefully the OP has stuck to her guns. I put this in the “no good deed goes unpunished” category. Her mother had a house - the house was sold - an apartment was found but not ready to occupy yet - the daughter allowed her mother to temporarily reside at her house. Then came the hospital stay. The daughter has no obligation to take on her mentally competent mother’s care. The social worker team needs to do its job - not dump on the daughter. The daughter should put it in writing to the hospital so her mother doesn’t agree to an ambulance transport to the daughters house. Definitely unfair to the daughter and a sad conflict for her to have to negotiate.
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BurntCaregiver Oct 3, 2022
Definitely get it in writing. If they send the mother in an ambulance tell them turn right around and head back to the hospital. They cannot refuse.
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I just read todays postings. It may help some of you to read Tajann's previous postings. There is so much to her story. Her Mom is competent according to the Professionals. Tajann has no POA and if she did, its not in effect because her Mom is competent. Her Mom has always done what she wanted to with no regard for anyone else. There is no reason a SW needs to be dealing with Tajann. Her mother does not live with her, just visiting until her apartment was ready. By excepting to take Mom back to her house, she is excepting all the responsibility and she does not want that responsibility. And with good reason.

The SW needs to work with Mom. Tajann has told them from day one that Mom cannot come back to her house.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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It’s your job to work with a social worker on that. She is not the social workers’ family. If you don’t want her in your own home, at least set her up in a place where she can live. No judgment here, just take care of business dear - she’s your family.
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BurntCaregiver Oct 3, 2022
@Liz

Oh, come on. If the mom is competent like all the professionals say, she would be responsible for making arrangements for herself for a safe place to stay when the hospital discharges her. She's also not a child.
Her daughter does not have to find her a place to go. So really it isn't up to the OP to work with the social worker to find something. It's up to the mother to work with them.
The OP states that she told the hospital that her mother could not come back to her house because she can't have her there anymore and she was only temporary anyway until her apartment is ready.
She does not have to recite the Gettysburg Address to these people or give them the Magna Carta with a list of reasons they will find acceptable for why she's not taking the mother back. They're not owed any explanations from her.
The mother can actually go into custodial care (room and board) in a nursing home until her apartment is ready for her. That is what the hospital will find for her and the daughter should tell them go ahead.
What I think we may have here is a case of senior stubborness. The mother wants back into the daughter's home and will settle for nothing else.
My view on stubbornness is pretty plain and simple. Take the help you're being offered or get used to sleeping on a bench in the park.
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OP posted this September 27th. More than likely big momma was brought to her house already and she cant update because she is now in the 7th circle of hell.
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BurntCaregiver Oct 3, 2022
I truly hope that is not the case, SP.
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Here's my suggestion. Don't back down for any reason. It is the social worker's job to find your mother a safe place to be discharged to. It is her job to find somewhere safe for your mother to go to until her apartment is ready. That's social work. Not family member work. The social worker is who gets paid to do the social work not you. Tell her to talk to whoever is your mother's POA (if she has one) while she's getting her supervisor involved. Let her get every supervisor involved so long as she doesn't try to scam you into taking your mother to your house.
That social worker is totally scamming you too. She doesn't want to do her job and use hospital resources to find your mother a temporary place to go that will be safe for her. So she will try to shake you down to take her to your house regardless of your house not being safe for her.
Don't back down. Make the soical worker earn her pay and do her job.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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If she hasn’t already been discharged, I agree, stick to your guns and continue to be clear that she can’t be discharged to your home because it is UNSAFE for her. You don’t need to give details just be clear that there is no way to make it safe and since you don’t have POA or any other authority you can’t make any decisions or investigate options. That is indeed the discharge coordinators job and it is t an easy one. I don’t think they are all lazy and don’t care, I think they are often presented with a very different set of facts and make assumptions. The hospitals are short on help and overcrowded as a result so moving people out as soon as the doctors say they can be is important. This social worker was handed a woman who is ready to go home and may or may not need x,x and x. This patient and maybe even her POA (?) said she will go home to your house, that’s where she came from so why would the coordinator question this. You were likely clear with other people that she won’t be safe at your house but had you said that to this particular person? Your mother may or may not believe she is a capable as she was prior to the incident that took her to the hospital, maybe she even heard someone say she should get back to that point and she’s going with that, either way the clearer you are about the reason being her safety the better it should be accepted by both Mom and hospital. Her safety and appropriate care is the hospitals responsibility until they hand it over to someone else, that can be the patient if capable, the family or a facility. They are not in the business of forcing people into facilities and a good portion, maybe the majority, of this coordinators patient's do go home to finish recuperating so it isn’t second nature to dive deep into a seemingly competent patient's plan to do so. This doesn’t mean they won’t push hard and bend over backwards to make that plan happen once faced with an obstacle (in this case you) but as long as you don’t give in they can’t force you into it. I don’t know how hospitals get away with or go as far as putting people into transport and dropping them on a family members door but based on my experience, not in many different states or with many diffrent hospitals, I have to believe that the patient deemed responsible for themselves is the issue and has agreed to or even encouraged the discharge. A competent patient can sign themselves out, arrange to get “home” however they want and there is no reason to question their “residence” if that’s where they came from. Now that you have informed them that the plan doesn’t work and are not backing down r reconsidering once given certain help commitments it’s on record so they can’t really transfer responsibility to you if that what this coordinated was expecting and her “approved plan” isn’t going to work so her supervisor may be the next step, something she didn’t want to do because now it’s obvious she didn’t have all her i’s dotted and t’s crossed.

Your doing everything you need to so far just keep making sure everyone knows the deal and why, it isn't safe for her (you are only thinking of her well being). Then you have to find a way to stick to your guns, which won’t be easy, if she shows up at your door either on her own or with your brother (I think I remember he is her POA?). Sending you strength.
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Reply to Lymie61
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I'll exercise tremendous restraint and NOT go terribly off on social workers right now, as that's mainly about me, and I don't want to do that (at least now...). I'm assuming that the discharge you're referring to is from a hospital. In my neck of the woods, there have been stories in the local media for the last few months on the tremendous problems in hospitals now because they have no place(s) to discharge the elderly to even when the hospital has done what they are in charge of, and so they remain there, taking up beds they need for other patients. It's probably that the social worker is a hospital employee --all hospitals have staff social workers. So, this may be one of those "above my pay grade" situations, i.e. the SW is getting pressure from way up high in hospitals to get these patients who are "finished" with surgery out of there asap to free up the beds. Her supervisor may not even be able to help you would be my guess, and you may end up having to argue/deal with hospital "honchos" and I think they know how to play hardball, as according to an article I read yesterday a lot of hospitals (with pandemic, etc.) claim they've lost $$millions. Not sure if this is much help, but good luck.
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BurntCaregiver Oct 2, 2022
@Christine44

The hospital will play a game of chicken with people. They want all these elderly out of the place and will tell the family members every kind of threatening and completely outrageous lies they can think of to force them into taking the person home with them even if it unsafe and they cannot care for them.
Nobody will have to argue with hospital "honchoes". The hospital will call on the state and their social services to find a place for an elder they want to discharge from the hospital. This only happens if family members don't fold and give into their demands.
A elderly family member of mine with dementia was brought to the hospital on a 'Social Admit' because there was no one who could care for her. Her kids and grown grandkids tried to work it out, but they couldn't. I got a call from a hospital social worker telling me that she was getting discharged and has nowhere to go. That she knows I have a long history in homecare and after all the family is legally responsible for her. I was nice to her and said that I give her credit for being able to spead the bullcrap so thick without laughing because in no way was I responsible. She hung up on me.
The hospital found placement for my relative in the dementia unit of a local nursing home. She's still there now six years later.
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If Rehab benefits have expired, staying longer at the Rehab facility will be private pay.
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Supervisor gets involved and I would expect her to find appropriate placement for mom. She cannot force for you to take her
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I had this happen, too. My Dad was discharged and the rehab facility had a home care company come out to evaluate him. They evaluated him at his home after the weekend (I stayed with him) and then they refused to “open the case”. When I called the social worker and explained what had happened I was basically threatened and told that I had to stay with my Dad, that he couldn’t be left alone, and that senior protective services would be called if he were left by himself. I was scrambling to get home aides to help care for him and ended up living with my Dad for over a month. During this time I was also trying to get my Dad into a (2nd) assisted living facility. It was an extremely stressful time. I suggest have a safe situation set up before discharge.
My Dad passed on July 3rd, while in rehab facility. They never called to tell me he passed and I found out when I arrived for my daily visit. The entire experience was an eye opener. Our loved ones/elders deserve so much better. Best of luck to you and your family.
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mstrbill Oct 2, 2022
You are right, they do this all the time, intimidating family members. Family members need to learn they have absolutely no obligation to uproot their lives and cave in to SW demands. Let them call APS. Let APS do what they have to do to ensure the safety of the elder. But you the family member are not required to give up your job and sacrifice yourself to take care of family member. People need to do this and make it clear when the elder is in the hospital or rehab facility.
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Social workers pull this all the time. When my mom was in rehab after shoulder replacement surgery, we were told she couldn't be alone once released. I let the know repeatedly that I lived in Alabama and my brother lived in Virginia. Mom lives in Florida. They said she would be there 2.5 weeks. I asked them to keep her 3 weeks so that my brother had time to make arrangements and get there. Then he and his wife and me and my fiance would take turns or figure out how to handle her not being alone while recovering. I get a call from my mom on Friday that they are releasing her Tuesday!!! At 2.5 weeks!!! My brother couldn't get off work to get down there and so my fiancé and I had to get in the car and drive 8.5 hours on Monday, pick her up on Tuesday, and bring her home with us on Wednesday because we had to work on Thursday. The social worker would do nothing to help us out even though we made it crystal clear from the beginning that we all worked and would need a little extra time to figure out the arrangements. We were all livid!
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CTTN55 Oct 2, 2022
The rehab played chicken and knew someone would cave and come to get her. And you did.
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Sounds like the social worker is taking the easy way out. Send mom to you and social worker is off the hook for additional placement. Go above the social worker and speak to that supervisor she's been threatening to involve. That's what you want, someone more knowledgeable for placement somewhere else besides your house! Good luck.
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Social workers and discharge planners pull crap like this ALL THE TIME!
I had an aunt who would tell the hospital DP that "My niece and granddaughter will be moving in and staying with me, so send me home now!"

And they would not even bother calling us and would act all shocked whenever we told them in person that she was LYING and that we were NOT available to be with her for more than a couple of hours during the day and not at all at night.

Then they would try to coerce and bully us. They didn't even want to do their job of finding a rehab center to take her. It is infuriating and I read so many stories like this here.
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Lymie61 Oct 2, 2022
To be fair your aunt had a big piece in this by insisting she had family that would take care of her. Sounds like she was competent and as you say lying so until you told them you couldn’t spend that kind of time with her they thought they had a safe discharge and once you did they were caught between you and their patient who is ultimately in charge. She was going to be pissed and very possibly refuse to go to rehab or apparently arrange for professional help at home and you weren’t able to help facilitate it either…no one was on board! I’m not saying they were right or justified in trying to coerce and bully you, that’s inexcusable but they sure had a dilemma in your case because of your aunt by the sounds of it.
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It’s ur mom she looked out for u u can look out for her. If she really can’t stay take time off from work FMLA to make sure she’s comfortable. Wow. That conversation with u and the SW wasn’t cool. It’s ur mom not there’s. They could have spoken with u early on do u can prep.
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Lymie61 Oct 2, 2022
OP has been clear that her home is not safe for Mom. Not everyone is in a position to take an elderly patient in from a hospital stay, we don’t know what limitations or ailments are involved now so sometimes (and sounds like in this case) a facility of some sort is in our LO’s best interest. Guilting someone who wants to be able to bring their parent home but knows it isn’t in that parents best interest and is likely torn between what they know is best and what they want isn’t helpful. I hope I can have the same strength as @Tajann when the time comes that we can no longer keep Mom at home safely and she should be somewhere else (she currently lives with my brother).
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Who has poa?
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JoAnn29 Oct 2, 2022
No one
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Why is the social worker doing this? Do not take your mom into your home.
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Update, please.
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