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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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We literally cannot control our own emotions all the time. And sometimes this just "happens " before we can bite off our tongues. The important thing is to recognize it, and even if it didn't "just happen" to go to the person we love and say "You know, sometimes I just get so broken hearted over what all you are going through, over how tired I am sometimes, or just having a bad day, and I snap. But I need you to know that I love you very much, and you are so important to me. I am sorry if I hurt you. I wish I was super human and could always be 'good', but that will never be the case". We all snap, whether with our friends, our loved ones young and old. It happens. No one is asking you to be a Saint and it is a very bad job description, anyway!
Caregiving is hands down the hardest job any of us will ever do. Especially when we're living with the one we're caring for. Lack of sleep and constant worry can cause the best of us to lose our tempers and snap at our loved one. You are human like the rest of us and we all have our breaking point. I remember the first time I lost my temper with my bedridden husband and hollered at him. I too felt horrible and shortly thereafter went and apologized. He was so sweet and said that it was ok because I think he knew that I was doing the very best I could. However the next time I lost it with him and went back to apologize, he looked confused as he didn't even remember as he had dementia. Like I've said on this forum before, anyone who says that they've not lost their temper with a loved one that they were caring for is lying. Joining a caregiver support group really helped me keep my emotions in check better as I was able to share with others who were going through similar things and who really understood. When I shared that I had hollered at my husband and how bad I felt, they all said, "of course you lost your temper, we all have at one point or another. Don't beat yourself up over it as you're doing the very best you can." That was so comforting to me, to know that I wasn't alone. So that's what I'll say to you. Don't beat yourself up over it. You're doing the very best you can. I will add however to make sure that you're taking time for yourself to regroup and reenergize your spirit and soul. You must have time to find joy in things that you enjoy as you matter in this equation too. If you make yourself a priority, that too will help keep your stress levels down and you will find it much easier to not lose your cool. Hang in there. You're doing a great job. And always remember, if things just get to be too much for you, you can always have mom placed in the appropriate facility.
My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2018. In caring for him, at times, is very frustrating. One thing that has really helped me, as simple as it sounds, is a caregiver’s mantra that I read in a book authored by Pauline Boss, “Loving Someone Who Has Dementia.”That mantra is DIRM, an acronym for “Does It Really Matter”. So in a frustrating situation, I’ll pause and think DIRM, does it really matter. Most often it doesn’t. I can then respond in a more positive and caring manner. It’s worth a try. We can all empathize with you. We’re all on the same path. Not where we expected to be at this point in our lives. Hugs to you. I wish you the best.
So many helpful and supportive responses here. We've all lost patience. Forgive yourself, forgive your care recipient, move on and try to do better the next time, and then the next time. We're all doing the best we can in the moment.
My favorite tool was the shuni mudra. As you feel that surge inside that bubbles up and makes your head feel like it's going to explode, tap your thumb and middle finger together as a signal to your brain (an interruption, if you will, because, frankly, your brain is powerless in that moment to stop the spewing) to take a deep breath (or three) before you open your mouth. It will ready you to speak calmly, maybe to say you need to feed the cat or go to the bathroom. It won't always work, nothing does, but you'll get better at it.
Another idea is to write down what happened: he said, she said, this was the result. Work it through, cry your tears. Those journal entries also led me to write an honest memoir about my years with my mother, and helped heal the relationship and my memories of her.
I'm glad I was able to forgive myself in those moments; it's probably prevented my ongoing disappointment in myself. I wish I had apologized more, but I suspect an apology would have led to another episode of whatever caused my frustration in the first place—usually feeling unappreciated.
Sending love to all of you. This is not your forever.
If you know an outburst is going to result in your mother crying and you feeling horrible, then you need to figure out how to ward OFF these outbursts to begin with. Leave the room if/when mom is getting on your nerves. Identify what behaviors/actions cause you to fly off the handle, and see if there is anything about those situations you can change. If not, leave the room when you see one of those behaviors/actions coming on, and blow off that steam in the garage. When my son was little and screamed all day with colic, rather than yell at him, I'd go into the garage with a hammer and beat up the wooden shelves in there. It felt good to physically take out my frustration on a solid piece of wood.
If you find, ultimately, that you're unable to control your emotions and avoid these scenes (for the most part, anyway), then it's time to consider alternative living arrangements for your mom. My mother took her mother into our house and they went at it like DOGS for my entire childhood. Someone was always crying, lashing out, beating herself up (literally) out of frustration, or driving 'off the bridge' to kill herself. The drama and histrionics was ridiculous. The whole scene should never have BEEN in the first place. Mom couldn't control her emotions and grandma refused to stop needling her, so they were oil & water.
Part of your job is to figure out if this living arrangement is working or not? Your life matters too, DeeJay, not just mom's. If she's overstayed her welcome, there's no crime in admitting that and finding her senior living of some kind instead. My parents enjoyed Assisted Living a LOT and always had some fun activity going on.
Eventually I think you will get used to the ways your mom has changed and used to that you can't bring her back to how she was before. You will learn ways to speak to her, to find out what she needs from you, and how to handle your emotions in her presence. Express your irritations to someone else, not her. Always apologize though when you snap. The sooner the better. Explain it's not her, it's you own frustration or tiredness or something not even to do with her. Early with her Alzheimer's, one time I went home from my mom's house and she called me right away to ask what we had been fighting about. She couldn't remember the topic, but still had the feeling of us arguing. I felt so bad and I although I could remember what the issue was, it was not important enough for her to be upset. She was doing her best. I was doing my best, but I was the only one who could get better at my best.
This was a learning experience for my husband and me. Mom was sincere in her beliefs and we did not know that our actions of dismissal or “correcting” were a problem for her. I got a chance to spend 2 weeks with mom alone when my husband had to travel. During that time, the aloneness I felt precipitated my seeking a comfort verse from the Bible. I had just listened to how to memorize and I memorized most of James 1. It was the best thing I could have done. I printed it out and hung it in the bathroom on the mirror. Very soon, I had it done and it was where I went (repeating it) instead of reacting to my mom. She was trying to be independent (and could not). She was very sad and vulnerable and I am sad at how I was not the daughter to her that she needed at that time. Over time, months, I was able to adjust my reactions because of James 1 and its’ promises. I know God is not surprised at the present and the future and I am grateful that my mom is/was a precious woman who wrote her prayers. She is an introvert and has a hard time standing up for herself or speaking out. She and I pray together now and her confusions are many and unpredictable throughout the day. I am grateful that she doesn’t remember my actions and that I have a path to stay on that keeps me from creating sorrow in my mom who is unable to be whom she is now. I truly understand even more my impatience and tone with her and it breaks my heart that I was that person. I think I know how you feel. I walked away from the situation each time and recited my verses until I had peace and when I went back to check on mom….all was well.
the facilitator at Support Group that I used to go to handed out a information sheet once. (I am going to get the numbers wrong but it will not make a difference) The statistic they gave was...60% of caregivers admit getting angry at the person they are caring for. MY comment to the group was...that means 40% lied. You can not be a caregiver and NOT get angry. We are all human. Getting angry is just part of that. Did your mom NEVER get angry with you when you were a child...did her anger at some point make you cry? A few things you can do when you get angry: If you can, if it is safe, leave the room. Sometimes just walking out of the room and taking a deep breath helps. Do something different. If you are trying to get her to shower...forget the shower that day, or for that moment. If you are trying to get shoes on her, forget shoes slippers or socks will be fine. Getting dressed...so she spends the day in jammies. You can get her dressed later. Most of the stuff is not worth anger, frustration.
If you get angry apologize, she may not understand but it will help you.
If you do not have help get a caregiver. This gives you a break, gives mom a break. If mom qualifies and can attend if there is an Adult Day Program get her there. Most will have a van pick up in the morning and they provide breakfast, lunch and a snack and lots of activities during the day. There are programs called Memory Café's they are Dementia friendly programs that you can also attend it will give both of you a bit of a break as there are other people going through the same things. If there is a Support Group that you can go to that might help you.
If this happens a lot it may be that mom's care is more than you can handle at home and it might be time to look for Memory Care. This is not giving up but accepting that it is ore than you can manage.
Thank you for posting this, DeeJay. I'm often guilty as charged. It's sooo difficult to be controlled all the time when more and more is being asked of you. We just do our best.
Prayer. Ask God's Holy Spirit to be with you as a guide, and remind you your mom is not the mom you grew up with anymore. He can also help you keep calm, be less judgmental in your responses (when you've explained something for the twentieth time) and feel peaceful. You could try treating your mom as a lovely person you've decided to help for a while, like looking after a friend's child while she's in the hospital. This kind of attitude let me 'step back' from expectations and see things with a certain amount of impartiality, which was necessary for me. My mom and I didn't get along well, and her slow dementia and illnesses were making her more cranky than usual (which is understandable.) I needed to see her as someone beside 'Mom' for a while, which helped me be more compassionate. I pray for you and your mom, and hope you can find some peace in a difficult situation.
Thank you Kailyn! I to am struggling & stressed by the same situation and I have only been at this 4 months. I know in my heart The Holy Spirit is there to help, guide and protect us both, mom & me. He is our source of healing, help and comfort. I’m working on stopping and listening for His guidance before striking out. I like the idea you suggested and will try to look at the situation with that view point. I do much better with compassion of others than with family.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
We all snap, whether with our friends, our loved ones young and old. It happens. No one is asking you to be a Saint and it is a very bad job description, anyway!
You are human like the rest of us and we all have our breaking point. I remember the first time I lost my temper with my bedridden husband and hollered at him. I too felt horrible and shortly thereafter went and apologized. He was so sweet and said that it was ok because I think he knew that I was doing the very best I could. However the next time I lost it with him and went back to apologize, he looked confused as he didn't even remember as he had dementia.
Like I've said on this forum before, anyone who says that they've not lost their temper with a loved one that they were caring for is lying.
Joining a caregiver support group really helped me keep my emotions in check better as I was able to share with others who were going through similar things and who really understood. When I shared that I had hollered at my husband and how bad I felt, they all said, "of course you lost your temper, we all have at one point or another. Don't beat yourself up over it as you're doing the very best you can." That was so comforting to me, to know that I wasn't alone.
So that's what I'll say to you. Don't beat yourself up over it. You're doing the very best you can.
I will add however to make sure that you're taking time for yourself to regroup and reenergize your spirit and soul. You must have time to find joy in things that you enjoy as you matter in this equation too.
If you make yourself a priority, that too will help keep your stress levels down and you will find it much easier to not lose your cool.
Hang in there. You're doing a great job.
And always remember, if things just get to be too much for you, you can always have mom placed in the appropriate facility.
It’s worth a try. We can all empathize with you. We’re all on the same path. Not where we expected to be at this point in our lives. Hugs to you. I wish you the best.
My favorite tool was the shuni mudra. As you feel that surge inside that bubbles up and makes your head feel like it's going to explode, tap your thumb and middle finger together as a signal to your brain (an interruption, if you will, because, frankly, your brain is powerless in that moment to stop the spewing) to take a deep breath (or three) before you open your mouth. It will ready you to speak calmly, maybe to say you need to feed the cat or go to the bathroom. It won't always work, nothing does, but you'll get better at it.
Another idea is to write down what happened: he said, she said, this was the result. Work it through, cry your tears. Those journal entries also led me to write an honest memoir about my years with my mother, and helped heal the relationship and my memories of her.
I'm glad I was able to forgive myself in those moments; it's probably prevented my ongoing disappointment in myself. I wish I had apologized more, but I suspect an apology would have led to another episode of whatever caused my frustration in the first place—usually feeling unappreciated.
Sending love to all of you. This is not your forever.
If you find, ultimately, that you're unable to control your emotions and avoid these scenes (for the most part, anyway), then it's time to consider alternative living arrangements for your mom. My mother took her mother into our house and they went at it like DOGS for my entire childhood. Someone was always crying, lashing out, beating herself up (literally) out of frustration, or driving 'off the bridge' to kill herself. The drama and histrionics was ridiculous. The whole scene should never have BEEN in the first place. Mom couldn't control her emotions and grandma refused to stop needling her, so they were oil & water.
Part of your job is to figure out if this living arrangement is working or not? Your life matters too, DeeJay, not just mom's. If she's overstayed her welcome, there's no crime in admitting that and finding her senior living of some kind instead. My parents enjoyed Assisted Living a LOT and always had some fun activity going on.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.
The statistic they gave was...60% of caregivers admit getting angry at the person they are caring for. MY comment to the group was...that means 40% lied.
You can not be a caregiver and NOT get angry.
We are all human. Getting angry is just part of that.
Did your mom NEVER get angry with you when you were a child...did her anger at some point make you cry?
A few things you can do when you get angry:
If you can, if it is safe, leave the room. Sometimes just walking out of the room and taking a deep breath helps.
Do something different. If you are trying to get her to shower...forget the shower that day, or for that moment. If you are trying to get shoes on her, forget shoes slippers or socks will be fine. Getting dressed...so she spends the day in jammies. You can get her dressed later.
Most of the stuff is not worth anger, frustration.
If you get angry apologize, she may not understand but it will help you.
If you do not have help get a caregiver.
This gives you a break, gives mom a break.
If mom qualifies and can attend if there is an Adult Day Program get her there. Most will have a van pick up in the morning and they provide breakfast, lunch and a snack and lots of activities during the day.
There are programs called Memory Café's they are Dementia friendly programs that you can also attend it will give both of you a bit of a break as there are other people going through the same things.
If there is a Support Group that you can go to that might help you.
If this happens a lot it may be that mom's care is more than you can handle at home and it might be time to look for Memory Care.
This is not giving up but accepting that it is ore than you can manage.