My wife of 20+ years is POA for her father who has been in a nursing home for 18 months. I pay his bills because she cannot handle the added stress. Her father has dementia and is largely bed ridden. My wife visits her father at least four times a week. She quit her job in march due to stress. Yesterday, she started a new job and has already told me the job is to stressful and she will likely quit.
Two months ago I was offered and accepted a promotion that requires us to relocate to another state. I discussed moving her father to a nursing home near our new home, she flatly refused. She has also refused to move saying her dad needs her. She is now planning to move into his home which is near his nursing home. While her father has five children and two living siblings, my wife is largely the one who cares for him. The rest of the family rarely visits, like once a year.
This situation now has me moving and her staying, for what could be a year or more. In the beginning she said she would come visit me, she is now asking me to come visit her instead.
I am totally lost. The stress is unbearable. I do not see how she can choose caring for her father over our relationship and marriage.
Help
To give up a job and to essentially give up a marriage in order to care for a parent in a nursing home is (it seems to me) excessive sacrifice, especially when there are other options.
I think that you both could use some counselling from an objective third party -- separately and/or together. Your marriage is in trouble, and the vibes I'm getting make me wonder if there isn't more to it than Dad's health.
- FIL is living in a NH which is a skilled nursing facility with 24/7 staff
- FIL in the NH for at least a year & 1/2
- FIL is bed-fast so he is not getting up and doing
- FIL has 5 children & still-living siblings
- FIL still owns his home
- Knotpc is paying for FIL NH stay
- Knotpc is financially supporting wife who doesn't work to "take care of Dad"
- wife has quit 1 job and about to quit current job to "take care of Dad"
- Knotpc has taken a new position with more $, status & is willing to move FIL to new city and continue to pay for everything.
- wife plans to stay & move into FIL house & not go to visit DH in new city
So Knotpc if the above is in a nutshell correct, and you have been paying for all things for FIL and carrying the substantial economic load for your family in this most difficult economy and dealing with a physically & emotionally absent spouse, you are a gem and deserve better. For whatever reasons, wife has chose her dad over you and for your role in her life is to be paying for all. If she won't do couples counseling or be willing to go to the new city to visit, then there is no relationship.
Her relationship is with dad, there is no room for you.
For me, the ?'s are just what is going on with her? Does she have emotional issues or other backstory that it the bigger problem and "dealing with dad" is the current excuse. FIL does not need her to be there to be his caregiver. He is a NH for Christ's sake. So just exactly what "caregiving" is she doing? What "stress" is she having? Just what is she spending her time at?
In your soul is your marriage is worth continuing? and if so, are both of you willing to work towards that? She has drawn her line in the sand (she stays, you go and you have to come back to see her). So my suggestion is, you have to do the same...tell her what you expect her to do and you are willing to do. I'd be tough on the financial aspect on all this. No more paying for FIL. The house can be sold to pay for FIL. Just who is paying for the upkeep on FIL house?
Could it be she had intended to move into dad's house all along? That she agreed with the new position and the move but really it was never her intent to go with you. Think hard if this could be the situation,look at her spending to see if she has been buying things to make FIL house more comfortable, repaired, etc. Because if that is the case, then find a good pitt-bull of a divorce lawyer.
Most people live to their 80's and do you want to spend your next decade or two in this situation? It's a life half-lived and half-loved. No way to live. Good luck.
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Jeanne - glad you're back!
The last 18 months has been a roller coaster of emotions as many of you have been through at some basic level so you can at least understand. The emotions make the whole issue complex.
My concern has always been my wife's health and our relationship. These last few weeks have me second guessing our relationship as I cannot comprehend her determination to stay behind and care for her father, who I believe is well cared for by professionals. I guess I should be questioning what else is going on between us.
Thank you all for your comments.
The promotion was a career move. It was either take promotion and move or be out of work.
No you are not alone for I've read painful stories like yours on this site where a son has chosen mom over his wife, or a wife than basically abandons her husband for her mom, but not many of these situation like the one presented here where the wife is choosing her father over her husband. It is all about having healthy boundaries in marriage which is lacking in situations like these which could all benefit from counseling.
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