MIL in AL facility. She is rather obstinate and refuses to eat in the dining room or shower. We have asked staff to call and let us know when she is refusing showers so we can intervene. Today she told me staff are telling her I insist she shower and if she won't they will call me. She is feeling shamed and is very upset. I have talked with the head nurse in the past and asked her to please have staff refrain from telling mom they will tell on her. This is not the first time.
I'm a physician, but on the pediatric side, and I'm the first to admit I was totally at sea in the geriatric world I was thrust into when my parents started to seriously decline. There is a LOT to learn. And very, very emotionally hard when it is our parent, our spouse, and not someone else's loved one/our patient.
This is a public forum. We are all entitled to post on any thread. If we violate the forum's standards of behavior the moderators need to be notified. That is what the "Report this Post" link is for. If you feel someone is doing that you should report the post. The moderator can tell someone not to post or to delete their post. But none of us can tell each other that they can't post on "our" thread. Once we post, the entire thread is public.
You know THAT your mother feels shamed. She told you. But you don't really know WHY she feels shamed. Maybe the answer is because staff handled the situation very badly. But it is also possible that part of the answer is "because she has dementia and isn't perceiving the situation the way you or I would." If you are new to this role, that can be a helpful insight to share. It is not "nasty" to share a different perspective.
I'm willing to bet that resorting to name-calling "Your a jerk" is not your normal coping mechanism. You are under a lot of stress. Actually, at any point in time probably 75 to 90% of the participants on this forum are stressed. Let's try to respect each other, even when we don't agree with each other.
Staff telling mom they are going to call if she doesn't take a shower, pitts her against me which makes it even more difficult to deal with an already difficult situation. By no means have I ever "pulled rank", or criticized staff. I know all to well how hard they work and thank them at every opportunity.
No more posts for me. I am now an official lurker
God Bless.
If you can't be nice, please don't repond to my posts.
First, you have your mother's interpretation of what was said and how it was said. I certainly believe you that she feels shamed, but that may not be reasonable response to what happened. Mom has dementia. She may have taken things out of context or taken things more seriously than they were meant.
And you did ask staff to call you so what the aide said does not seem terribly out of line to me. I'm trying to think how I would react if an aide said to my mother, "Now we really have to give you your shower. Jeanne wants us to keep you nice and clean and we'll have to call her if you don't cooperate." Hmmm ... well, first of all I'd think that calling me isn't going to do any good. I wasn't able to get her to shower for me at home. And beyond that, if it worked I'd say use it every time. Getting elders bathed can be such a huge struggle. If it made my mother feel terrible I'd joke with her about it and then I'd ask staff to revise their approach. I wouldn't criticize them but I'd point out that bringing my name into didn't seem to be helping.
Now that everyone knows that this approach makes your mother feel very bad then everyone should stop using it. Talk to whomever you have to to see that it stops. (Maybe it has stopped, and your mother is remembering an earlier time.)
You asked for advice. You are getting advice. Not all of it sits well with you. That is OK. You are certainly free to ignore what doesn't apply to your situation.
But seeing how quickly you jumped on Maggie's response and labeled it "rude" makes me wonder if the difficult and delicate situation you are in and the stress level that goes with it has you in over-sensitive mode. And I sure hope you don't pull rank that quickly with the ALF staff. You have been an RN for 35 years. That is certainly something to be very proud of. How many of them were in a care center? How much of your experience has been specifically with patients who have dementia? If in fact your career has prepared you for getting dementia patients to bathe on schedule, then by all means share your expertise by going in on shower day and showing how to do it without making MIL feel bad.
The more likely scenario is to go in and work together with a staff person and after the experience put your heads together to figure out how it could go more smoothly next time.
You certainly have the right and duty to advocate for the best care for your loved one. Usually you attract more bees with flowers than with vinegar. I'm glad to hear that you are very good at supporting staff. Don't let the stress of this situation deter you from that path!
IMO, our job is to referee and diffuse between NH staff and our loved ones. You could have laughed it off; you choose to criticize the staff. *shrug*
"Shaming" your mom would be telling her she smelled in front of others. Shaming her by saying, "If you don't get squeaky clean today, we're going to have to call your daughter-in-law?" After you told them to do exactly that? I just don't get it.
Nevertheless, you have plenty of other advice here. If you don't agree with mine and find it rude? *shrug again*
I am asking for advice on a delicate situation. It is never appropriate to shame a client. MIL is entitled to her feelings and this is what she has expressed to me. I certainly hope you are not in the healthcare field with the snarky attitude that you have. I have been an RN for 35 years. MIL RN for 50 years, so don't talk to me about criticizing staff. Defensive? Yes! My job is to be an advocate for my MIL while at the same time supporting staff which I do very well thank you.
If what is being said is actually happening, what does the assistant-living facility suggest in order for your Mother to bathe?
Your job is to support staff, not find reasons to criticize them. Theirs is a thankless job...made more thankless by relatives who don't appreciate the problems they face caring for their loved ones every day.
But do approach it as an attempt to solve an issue, and hopefully they might be more responsive. If it's a complaint, they could "get their back up" and be defensive.
Also have a heart-to-heart talk with your mother and explain that you're not behind this tactic, that you have asked them repeatedly to call you but they haven't. She's probably hurt and embarrassed.
It's too bad they can't be more responsive in dealing with this issue.